|
I think people get hung up on the disease question when the real question is acceptance. And that's my understanding of how people continue to live with an active addict or alcoholic. They accept that person exactly as they are. They take steps to protect themselves, and set boundaries, but they do not try to change the other person or expect them to be anyone other than who they are. So, staying or leaving doesn't make a bit of difference. It's accepting that makes all the difference. Once I accept that the other person is sick (whatever "disease" it may be) and accept the fact that I cannot cure them, then I am left with the choice to stay with them or not. And, as Denny pointed out, having a disease does not excuse abuse. So, my decision to stay or leave is based on the other person's behavior, not their disease. L |
Originally Posted by CBrown
(Post 1516975)
Tollbooth, don't do what I did a year ago. I found out my XABF had a woman living with him, and it put me into a frenzy! So I got sucked back into his life because he played me against her. Then he did the opposite in his sick alcoholic way, and he went back to her a year later. Now I am feeling the sour grapes of having "lost" this great prize. Oh, how I know the feelings you are feeling. If she is like my XABF, she is NO prize. To them, it doesn't matter who is in their bed, as long as that person is putting up with their crap. You ... we ... deserve much better than an addict who doesn't give a rip about us, just what we can do for them. Look at her objectively. If that other person weren't in her life, would you want her? Chances are, no. I know, you're just feeling the panic of "OMG, she's getting away! I've lost her! I'll never have her again. I Lost!" I say the same thing, only it's "him" in there instead of your "her." Trust me, YOU DON'T WANT HER. You want a good woman. |
Originally Posted by tollbooth
(Post 1517146)
What gives them the willpower to make the choice of staying involved with an A family figure and not "give up" on them? You must have had a good reason to leave. Don't second guess yourself because you're suffering from selective memory right now and you miss her.
Originally Posted by tollbooth
(Post 1516812)
Im just interested in hearing others opinions on this. |
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
(Post 1517231)
And, as Denny pointed out, having a disease does not excuse abuse. So, my decision to stay or leave is based on the other person's behavior, not their disease. L I have to say I am in awe of SR's fellow posters at the moment! You folks have all walked the walk. |
Situation #1 Husband A: Develops a heart condition. Refuses to take medication and continually passes out while driving. Risks lives of children and pedestriangs. Refuses to change diet, gets dragged to the ER multiple times until insurance is cancelled, cashes in savings, house and borrows from friends to pay for burgers, fries and cigars. Looses job because he endangers other empolyees from passing out while driving forklift. Well, that or jaywalking ;) [/hijack] |
Tollbooth, I have NEVER GIVEN UP on my XABF! I pray every day and night that somehow, miraculously he'll seek help. Or that one of the Purpose Driven CDs we have been mailing him will sink in. Or some other angel will come along and he'll see the light. Oh no, I have not given up. But I could no longer stand the lies, broken promises, the cheating, the moral bankruptcy, the public humiliation of his abusive mouth any more. If he had been the opposite of those things, drank at home quietly and then went to bed, I would still be there with him. But he DID do those things and no doubt is doing the same with the sap who took him back. I have more self-esteem than to put up with that kind of LACK OF RESPECT. And so that's why I'm post on SR, venting, going to Celebrate Recovery, mourning his life and impending death from afar. I would not permit him to control and take me down, and he is bound and determined to say "I'll Show Her." Well guess who's the loser? HE is. |
So many great posts on this thread, so many great perspectives. Acceptance that we cannot contol another person, only ourselves. Acceptance that even if we can't live with someone who is not good for us, we can still love them, from a safe place. Allowing ourselves to continue loving, we are better people for it... whether we have to let them go or not. The world is a better place because of the people here at SR. |
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:47 PM. |