balance my alcholic son and my family
 

I was wondering.. one of my children is on my case about putting my Alcholic son first, In front of my other children and grandchildren...

I think they should all understand I have to put my AS first.. I am sure there will be other grandchildrens events.. I mean they are young and will have many other things I can go to.. (dont you agree?)

I know there are many times I've had to cancel time I was suppose to travel to attend a grandchilds event because of my Alcholoic son..

I really dont see that I have another choice.. How can I explain that I HAVE to put my AS first and be there for him.. my grandchild will understand in time?? Right???

Am I wrong?

Thanks for your insight.

I guess I am still wondering....I can help him right?? .. I hate to leave him alone.. what if my AS hurts himself? or commits suside while I am away.. how could I forgive myself?

I am so unsure how to go forward from here?

Why do you have to put him first? Why are you responsible for the choices your son makes? Why is it ok to hurt others while enabling your son?

I guess. I feel responsible.. I dont know how to leave him.. I am so afraid he will hurt himself.. I dont think I could live with myself if that happened.. I think my other children should understand.. grant it.. I am new at this, and that is why I am asking.. my other children dont seem to understand they have stopped talking to him.. they say he needs to find his way.. they love him, but they need to put time and sobriety in the equastion.. I keep thinking.. we NEED To support him.. or he wil feel on his own...

(((2much2handle)))

I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

In my case I found that putting my as and my ad before everyone else in my household hurt everyone in my home as well as my as and ad.
It hurt my as and ad because I didn't allow them to have their bottom. They always knew Mom and Dad would fix it for them.
As for the rest of my children, it caused resentment because they weren't allowed the special times that were naturally their right to have.
I wish I could go back and do it all again. I certainly would have done things differently!!
As for grandchildren, my husband and I are raising our ad's 2 year old son and I will never put her before him!!!
______________
Trish

If he is an adult, then I agree with them. We all need to find our own way.

L

How old is your son?

One thing to do is start reading the materials at the top, the stickies. They will give you lots of information. And read the posts. There are others in here dealing with the difficulties of alcoholic children who I'm sure can be great resources and support for you.

Welcome.

Why do you think you chose your username?
Is it too much to handle?
When I feel like I have too much to handle, it usually means I take a look at my priorities.

How old are your children, if I may ask?

he is 34.. but he is my youngest... and my baby.. I just cant leave him on his own!

And how old do you suppose he will have to be before you can?

L

((2much)) .. so sorry you are here! but glad you came ..

the A in my life is my husband .. totally different from it being a son . I have a son whos 7 and I cant imagine ever leaving him . But the reality of that , and Ive learned this here , is that you didnt cause his alcoholism , you cannot control it , and you certainly cant cure it . Its called the 3 Cs .

I suggest the book 'Getting them Sober' . It was suggested to me when I joined here , I read it , and I still go back in and read it from time to time . It did wonders for me and helped me understand the disease much better . I still have alot to learn and I still question myself sometimes on my decisions but I know that I cannot help my ah , he has to help himself , when he is ready .

What you are doing by cleaning up his messes is called 'enabling' . You will learn more about that the more you read . Trust me , when you educate yourself , you will find some answers and you will understand better how to handle your AS .

Its quite a journey . Stick around and you will learn . Best wishes for your AS

Also , my ah is 37 , he is also the baby in his family . His mother felt the same way you did , didnt understand how she could ever not be there for him . Shes joined al-anon and is getting much much stronger . She 'gets it' a little clearer now . Again , its a process , but slowly you will start to understand .

Lots of luck !!

So you don't think he deserves to be treated as the adult he is?

Well, I must say your other children are on the right track. He maybe your "baby" but he is an adult and should be responsible for himself, his actions. You are not helping him by keeping him a child, by changing his diapers for him.

The more you put your life on hold and enable him, the worse he will get. Not my rules, just how it works.

He is one of your children, your other children deserve the same attention and support you give him.

Have you gone to any meetings? If not, I'd run,not walk to one...

choosing my user name
 

I choose my name because the bickering in my family is just "TOO much to handle!"

I am confused on what to do, and what is right.. I am hearing conflicting stories.

My alcholic Son- makes it sound as if everyone else is manipulative and he is the victim.. He is my baby.. I cant help but hurt for him..

my other children: They think I am Coddling him.. and I am making them pay the price.. I think they need to be there for him and understand this is an illness.. he cant help it?

Is the alcoholic son in recovery? If so, then I would say you are right, he needs your support. If he is not, then your other children are right, you are coddling him, and possibly preventing him from seeking recovery.

Either way, I believe he can help it, but only if he wants to.

L

My grandmother didn't have time for her grandkids either. Her alcoholic son, my uncle, was her worry. Lucky for me I come from a big family. As I got older, I had nothing to do with her. To this day I say I never really had a grandmother, even though one was living until I was nearly 30.

He is in out patient recovery.. although I am not sure.. I often call and he sounds slurry.. My other son who expects me to travel out of state for a grandchilds event.. I dont think I sould leave..

Granted this is somthing that has been planned for months.. but, I just feel if my AS cant be included then, I shouldnt go either?

Yes, he can help it, by seeking a recovery program, and working it for the rest of his life. That means no alcohol, no excuses, soberity for life.

No one is manipulating him, he is the manipulater, and your other children see that and have come to understand that you are an enabler, and that you are hurting him more than helping him, they are trying to help you come to your senses, so that he will be allowed to reach his bottom and possibly seek recovery.

I second Dollydo...
I know its hard it hear and may sound harsh but its sooooo true ..
You would honestly cancel leaving town for your grandchild (key word there , 'child') to stay with a grown man just 'in case' he needs you ???? All he needs you for is to enable him and make him feel like he is doing nothing wrong so he can continue to drink . He is a manipulator , dont be offended , all a's are . They do what they can to get what they want/need .

You should leave town and enjoy the rest of your family , including your grandchildren . dont waste anymore of their lives not knowing their own grandma .

I understand what you are saying.. but my grandchild is older and knows her uncle has an acohol problem.

I have been supporting my AS for many months and my granchild does not understand that I need to pay his rent and health insurance.. therefore I cant afford the travel.. the grandchild is old enough to understand.. but the parents keep saying its CRAZY and I need to put the grandchildren first...

I know what they mean, but he is my baby and child.. if he commited suside while I was gone.. how could I forgive myself?

how can my other kids ask this of me?

look back on the last year or so .. how long have you been coddling your as for ?? and exactly what has your coddling done for him ? has he changed for the better ?
is it still a roller coaster of him drinking and causing chaos in his life and yours ?? how long are you willing to live like this ?

Seriously , I know how easy it is for me to give 'hard to hear' advice and the second I receive some 'hard to hear advice' , its notso easy ! But you have to put it into perspective . He will carry on without you and the only thing you will miss is the rest of your family if you dont go .

whao .. you pay his rent and health insurance ?? it straps you so that you cannot travel when you would like to ?? This is bad . You dont HAVE to do that , you CHOOSE to do that .

Its even worse that your grandchild is older , you should be leading my example how to live a healthy life and you are not doing it . Your life and your decisions that pertain to your life are completely dependent on another person .... does that sound healthy to you ?? not only are you dependent on another person but its another person that isnt healthy .

You have 2 choices . You can continue to be wrapped up in your AS's life and put your life on hold . Or you can run to an al-anon meeting , hate everyone in the room for telling you the rest of your family is right and you are hurting your son more than helping him ... and then keep going until you 'get it'

No, you do not need to pay his rent or his health insurance, he needs to do that, he does that by seeking a program, getting sober and getting a job.

He has you wrapped around his little finger, what will happen if you die? What will he do then? You have not allowed him to grow up, and you are fighting this progression, the progression of life he is entitled to, that to become a responsible adult, to fly on his own.

I know you love him, love him enough to let go and allow him to forge his own way.

Turn his life over to him, it is his right of passage.

I guess you have to be honest with yourself and ask this question "What are you getting out of this?"

He is 34 for goodness sake, has an addiction that only he can work on or fix.

My son has drug and alcohol problems too. He is 24. I dont feel sorry for him anymore, because he knows there is alot of help out there and its up to him to live his life. As much as I hate seeing him like this, it is his choice and I had to accept it.

Why should your other children have to put up with this, and understand it. Victims like your son love the attention, why not give some back to your other children and grandchildren.

Look at it this way, you fear his death. I did too....... He isnt going to do anything like that why he has his mother bending over backwards for him, is he? Sorry, but if you went to birthday parties, and lived your life, and loved your other family members, he may take a little notice and start growing up.

It seems you have an answer for all his problems, but unfortunately you are giving him reasons to keep on doing what he has always done. Get out of his life and start living yours.

I know you love him, care and fear the worst but he knows that, and you need to start putting all that energy into your life and your other children. Right Now.

Wow JustJo... What great advice.. I wish others would take notice and learn from your experience.. there is true wisdom in your words!

Hi-

I don't normally post over here but my husband is an addict, he likes xanax. I feel the words, drug addict and alcoholic are basically interchangable. The behavior is all the same.

I kept noticing that you kept writing this

If he really wanted to commit suicide, he's going to do it whether your there or not. Maybe while your gone to the store to pick something up. My husbands uncle felt the same way about his wife. They always had someone there, he quit working away from the house, if he left, their sons would come over and stay with their mother but it didn't stop her. He was HOME and was calling around for a hospital and she killed herself while he was in the next room.

My point is, you can't put your life on hold and neglect the feelings of your other family members to keep this one son on the straight and narrow. He is going to do what he wants to do regardless of what you think, say, do etc. YOU can't stop HIM, but you can stop yourself from feeling that helpless, overwhelmed, anger that so many of us codependents have. Please pick up the book Codependent No More and also the other book that was suggested.

Its hard, we all know because we've all been there with a loved one, some of us are still there but YOU can get better. ((((2much)))

I needed to read this post today! I am beginning to think my D has some kind of problem. I suppose I've thought it for a while (she was always the "partier" of the family). She used to be responsible, trustworthy, etc. We were very close. In the past year she changed. She became manipulative (never having money and if I didn't give it to her, she'd say she won't be able to get to work and will lose her job, if I don't pay her car insurance, she will lose her job, etc.) but funny, she still doesn't have money even though she has a job. Two weeks ago, she supposedly paid extra payments on her car insurance to get ahead - yeah, right, last week, it was stolen by someone, and this week she came up with another excuse. So now she's broke again. My newly recovering AH (70 days sober now) is the one that actually pointed out to me that he thinks she has a problem (with all the lies that she componds with other lies and manipulation) and has detached from her and is helping me detach. He says she needs to hit bottom and climb her own way out. He also called her on it, suggested she get her act together and now she wants us out of her lives forever (of course, denial) but could call me up this morning to ask me for gas money. IMO, I think it's harder to detach from a child than it is from a spouse, but either way, an A is an A and you have to let them hit bottom. That's coming straight from an A's mouth (my husband). The more you coddle, the worse it is. Thanks for listening.

Wow Queenteree, isnt it an amazing realization when we realize our children are professional manipulators to their parents when the addiction is in full force. My son did all of what you mentioned. I fell for it all the time. Poor son, Its my fault because of the divorce, yep yep yep. All the right guilt buttons were pushed by him and it worked.
Then, it controlled my life so much, I was a mess. I started saying No more using me. Its not my fault you are doing this simply because I am your mother.
It worked and it did take 4 months but wow he got a job, moved in with some people, was actually smiling, calling me and couldnt wait to tell me how his life was blooming. He still has his moments of binging, but thats OK, I dont have to watch or deal with it anymore, as long as he doesnt come anywhere near me then.

The greatest lesson we can give our children is to let them be themselves and let them be responsible. When my son finally hit his bottom, he sat and hugged me and you know what he said to me.
:Mum, all I ever wanted was for you to be proud of me
I told him that I have always been proud of him, he is my son isnt he.
I dont have to like this habit he has though and he understands now.

Hi all, Thank you for all your advice.. YES.. you all snapped me too.. I have to admit, at first I was taken aback that you all did NOT understand my plight.. I mean its my son. Could I be that off?

Although after further thought, prayer & reading the other posts, I cant help but feel a loss for all the years I have lost by coddling my AS for so long.. I have started with an Al-anon group.. I think its going to make a difference!

Take heed all you parents.. your alcoholic children WILL use you and manipulate YOU until you lose touch with reality.. I have missed so much of my other children & grandchildren lives.. I am NOW going to chose Al-anon and TRY to make amends with my children and grandchildren…

I feel such a loss.. I know it sounds strange, but I hope I can maintain this feeling, I think It will help me to be strong later.. Because, We all know its only a matter of time before my AS throws the guilt on me again.. (oh please LORD help me to stay strong)

Choose Wisely, Insanity or Joy...Your grandchildren will bring you love and joy... Embrace the beautiful moments in Life, Let Go of the Insanity that sucks the Life out of you, no matter what you do for your sick loved one...One day you will realize you are powerless...Then you can learn to believe that a power greater than yourself can restore you to sanity...I have found serenity in my life today, Even when they did not get better, I Did! Thank God for my recovery! We all deserve Peace and Love