balance my alcholic son and my family
 

I was wondering.. one of my children is on my case about putting my Alcholic son first, In front of my other children and grandchildren...

I think they should all understand I have to put my AS first.. I am sure there will be other grandchildrens events.. I mean they are young and will have many other things I can go to.. (dont you agree?)

I know there are many times I've had to cancel time I was suppose to travel to attend a grandchilds event because of my Alcholoic son..

I really dont see that I have another choice.. How can I explain that I HAVE to put my AS first and be there for him.. my grandchild will understand in time?? Right???

Am I wrong?

Thanks for your insight.

I guess I am still wondering....I can help him right?? .. I hate to leave him alone.. what if my AS hurts himself? or commits suside while I am away.. how could I forgive myself?

I am so unsure how to go forward from here?

Why do you have to put him first? Why are you responsible for the choices your son makes? Why is it ok to hurt others while enabling your son?

I guess. I feel responsible.. I dont know how to leave him.. I am so afraid he will hurt himself.. I dont think I could live with myself if that happened.. I think my other children should understand.. grant it.. I am new at this, and that is why I am asking.. my other children dont seem to understand they have stopped talking to him.. they say he needs to find his way.. they love him, but they need to put time and sobriety in the equastion.. I keep thinking.. we NEED To support him.. or he wil feel on his own...

(((2much2handle)))

I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

In my case I found that putting my as and my ad before everyone else in my household hurt everyone in my home as well as my as and ad.
It hurt my as and ad because I didn't allow them to have their bottom. They always knew Mom and Dad would fix it for them.
As for the rest of my children, it caused resentment because they weren't allowed the special times that were naturally their right to have.
I wish I could go back and do it all again. I certainly would have done things differently!!
As for grandchildren, my husband and I are raising our ad's 2 year old son and I will never put her before him!!!
______________
Trish

If he is an adult, then I agree with them. We all need to find our own way.

L

How old is your son?

One thing to do is start reading the materials at the top, the stickies. They will give you lots of information. And read the posts. There are others in here dealing with the difficulties of alcoholic children who I'm sure can be great resources and support for you.

Welcome.

Why do you think you chose your username?
Is it too much to handle?
When I feel like I have too much to handle, it usually means I take a look at my priorities.

How old are your children, if I may ask?

he is 34.. but he is my youngest... and my baby.. I just cant leave him on his own!

And how old do you suppose he will have to be before you can?

L

((2much)) .. so sorry you are here! but glad you came ..

the A in my life is my husband .. totally different from it being a son . I have a son whos 7 and I cant imagine ever leaving him . But the reality of that , and Ive learned this here , is that you didnt cause his alcoholism , you cannot control it , and you certainly cant cure it . Its called the 3 Cs .

I suggest the book 'Getting them Sober' . It was suggested to me when I joined here , I read it , and I still go back in and read it from time to time . It did wonders for me and helped me understand the disease much better . I still have alot to learn and I still question myself sometimes on my decisions but I know that I cannot help my ah , he has to help himself , when he is ready .

What you are doing by cleaning up his messes is called 'enabling' . You will learn more about that the more you read . Trust me , when you educate yourself , you will find some answers and you will understand better how to handle your AS .

Its quite a journey . Stick around and you will learn . Best wishes for your AS

Also , my ah is 37 , he is also the baby in his family . His mother felt the same way you did , didnt understand how she could ever not be there for him . Shes joined al-anon and is getting much much stronger . She 'gets it' a little clearer now . Again , its a process , but slowly you will start to understand .

Lots of luck !!

So you don't think he deserves to be treated as the adult he is?

Well, I must say your other children are on the right track. He maybe your "baby" but he is an adult and should be responsible for himself, his actions. You are not helping him by keeping him a child, by changing his diapers for him.

The more you put your life on hold and enable him, the worse he will get. Not my rules, just how it works.

He is one of your children, your other children deserve the same attention and support you give him.

Have you gone to any meetings? If not, I'd run,not walk to one...

choosing my user name
 

I choose my name because the bickering in my family is just "TOO much to handle!"

I am confused on what to do, and what is right.. I am hearing conflicting stories.

My alcholic Son- makes it sound as if everyone else is manipulative and he is the victim.. He is my baby.. I cant help but hurt for him..

my other children: They think I am Coddling him.. and I am making them pay the price.. I think they need to be there for him and understand this is an illness.. he cant help it?

Is the alcoholic son in recovery? If so, then I would say you are right, he needs your support. If he is not, then your other children are right, you are coddling him, and possibly preventing him from seeking recovery.

Either way, I believe he can help it, but only if he wants to.

L

My grandmother didn't have time for her grandkids either. Her alcoholic son, my uncle, was her worry. Lucky for me I come from a big family. As I got older, I had nothing to do with her. To this day I say I never really had a grandmother, even though one was living until I was nearly 30.

He is in out patient recovery.. although I am not sure.. I often call and he sounds slurry.. My other son who expects me to travel out of state for a grandchilds event.. I dont think I sould leave..

Granted this is somthing that has been planned for months.. but, I just feel if my AS cant be included then, I shouldnt go either?

Yes, he can help it, by seeking a recovery program, and working it for the rest of his life. That means no alcohol, no excuses, soberity for life.

No one is manipulating him, he is the manipulater, and your other children see that and have come to understand that you are an enabler, and that you are hurting him more than helping him, they are trying to help you come to your senses, so that he will be allowed to reach his bottom and possibly seek recovery.

I second Dollydo...
I know its hard it hear and may sound harsh but its sooooo true ..
You would honestly cancel leaving town for your grandchild (key word there , 'child') to stay with a grown man just 'in case' he needs you ???? All he needs you for is to enable him and make him feel like he is doing nothing wrong so he can continue to drink . He is a manipulator , dont be offended , all a's are . They do what they can to get what they want/need .

You should leave town and enjoy the rest of your family , including your grandchildren . dont waste anymore of their lives not knowing their own grandma .

I understand what you are saying.. but my grandchild is older and knows her uncle has an acohol problem.

I have been supporting my AS for many months and my granchild does not understand that I need to pay his rent and health insurance.. therefore I cant afford the travel.. the grandchild is old enough to understand.. but the parents keep saying its CRAZY and I need to put the grandchildren first...

I know what they mean, but he is my baby and child.. if he commited suside while I was gone.. how could I forgive myself?

how can my other kids ask this of me?