Mallow & Anvil, you are so insightful, i know you are so much further in your own recovery and value all your wisdom and being so helpful. I think if i could only stop for one day of saying "what if" then i would be so much better. Someone in my Al Anon said the other day, if i let my mind wonder, stop and think what i'm doing at that very moment, if i'm washing dishes than i'm washing dishes, etc. It's true, once i let my mind wonder it's all over :( The other major hangup is that it's his X that he has something to do with now and i think that hurts me more than if it was someone completely new. I feel i bettered him for her but in the long run it didn't work for 8 years with them for a reason, right? I should be thinking "good luck to her, he's a *****" and if he could do it to me he could do it again, period.

((((hbb)))) sorry you are hurting - i agree with others here - like we said the other night - NO CONTACT -and keep putting one foot in front of the other. you will be OK - I didn't think I would ever get better but I have...slowly....progress, not perfection....just concentrate on YOU and having some FUN (yes, it really can happen if you try! ) :)

Nothing has change din his life so no he isn't going to do a huge 180 and live a wonderful life with a white picket fence and the perfect woman. He'll just keep on as he is.

Go to your therapist and some Alanon meetings. Focus on you.

Earthworm

Kg and Earth....your both right, i just got back from counseling and it was really good to get more stuff out :) It's sooo weird, but my dad of all people who doesn't say BOO about anyone said he didn't want to say at the time but that J wasn't the one for me...i couldn't believe he said that because he doesn't really voice an opinion. It meant alot, and it means alot coming from you ladies who know that i will be sooooo much better off.

In my humble opinion I think you should focus on …… working on you.
Alanon is a great start, even if you don’t like the idea keep going anyway.
If you do see a councilor or a doc, see if they have dealt with alcoholic relationships and families.
This will help also.


KEEP BUSY! I can not stress enough, go out, have fun, get a hobby, and take a class!

In time, you will see that the best person in your life is not another, but yourself.

Thank you Mr. C.....I enjoy my Al Anon group and i kind of have a sponsor after the meetings too, she's great. My counselor seems to be in touch with alcoholic symptoms in relationships too which is good. Thankfully i have a ton of great friends to keep me busy and roommates. I know in the long run he did me a favor but getting my heart and brain in sync is tough some days!

i think keeping busy is huge.

i've made tons of new friends the past few months and try to have something planned every night of the week. even if i am stuck at home alone, i try to keep my mind busy by reading or doing a puzzle or watching a movie i've never seen.

i promise, promise, promise you that it gets so much easier. it will take time (god, i used to hate when people would tell me that!) but i would swear my life on the fact that you will gradually think about him less and less. :)

Thanks Inthis....thank god for you too here :) you've helped me so much this past week or so. My counselor said to me it sounds like he's a dry drunk and hence the poor treatment while sober. I think it's cause i know how long/hard it was to meet him when i did and think i'll be alone forever :( but i guess better to be alone for now than with someone so unhealthy and uncaring.

:)

sweetie, you won't be alone forever, i can promise it! i know it's a real, valid fear, but it's better that you learned all of this about him now than years down the road. you can now learn more about yourself and what you want and deserve and put it into action in the future. there's no sense in settling when there's plenty of fish in the sea!

Heather,

I know you don't believe it now but yes you will be better off and really he isn't worth it.

Think of it this way "Do I want someone treating me this way? I'm worth more than that."

You can also use this as a gauge of how you want to treat yourself and the people around you. NOT like he treat people.

Earthworm

Thanks Earth, i guess i chalk it up to loneliness and it hurts to hear that he doesn't even seem to be effected by this at all according to co-workers. But like my counselor said, who knows, he's probably not showing or saying much of anything to get back to me. I know it shouldn't matter anymore and he did do me a favor in the long run but why doesn't this stuff bite them in the ass???? In hindsight maybe it has, he will be in debt for a very long time, no white picket fence, barely getting by in life as a previous post mentioned. I definately want nice or decent things, a house, kids, just keep thinking it will take me sooo long to meet someone new. It just felt so right when J and i met and things were great. Better to find out now right???

I keep wondering why it is so important to find someone....Another person cannot give us what we do not already have.... I know that hormones and a desire to procreate drives many young people to find someone. It is a strong drive and very hard to resist. which makes me think that finding someone could be done logically...what would I want in a man if I was young and knew what I know now:

I would run a retail credit check, criminal background check, observe their behavior and pay attention to their words to see if their actions match their words. I would want to talk to ex-girlfriends or wives to find out what caused the break-ups. I would look at how their family functions and if all of this did not add up to seeing that they have good credit, no criminal history and a functioning family I would not want anything to do with them. If I found that nobody I was meeting could meet with this I would think I need to change where I am looking....

takers will take givers will give. I want to be able to give and take and it be balanced.

I want to take my time and give myself a break

Splendra, I know, and you know, when i think about how nice it would be to be with someone "healthy" and have this "perfect" life. I know that's not the case deep down inside right now. I know i have ALOT of work to do on myself or i will fall in the same trap of a relationship i just got out of. I guess it's because society kinda puts timelines on things, like i should be married but such an age, and kids by such an age. I do realize i put way too much pressure on myself and maybe that's why i wanted things to work so badly with me and J. I often said it was like putting a square peg in a round hole. But i guess i thought over time we had so much laughs and good times that it would all work out and we would gel.

But with that said, it's NOT ok for him to have treated and disrespect me like that. I"m so quick in my head to forgive him that he has a disease and he's sick, and screwed up. But why should i fogive that treatment that he gave me. He's an adult, he knows better, he intentionally went away with his X. There is NO excuse for that what so ever. Gosh, you can see by this my brain is MUSH :( i do feel better today but it's always the day after counselor or al anon...doesn't last very long.......

I am finding that as time goes by, the strength I gain thru therapy or a particularly supportive conversation with one of my support circle lasts longer and longer because I am internalizing the insights and knowledge.

Well its kinda of ironic, i was just emailing a family friend of his that i met through my X and she said that all his life he's always been on a distructive path and made bad choices but thought that since he was newly sober and met me that it would all turn around. It really is nice to see that even someone like her wants to stay in touch with me and told me not to sit around and wait for him to realize he screwed up and SHE'S the family friend on his side.

hey hbb - what you are going to do for you today? blessings, k

Today is a hard one...i'm alone all day, lots of time to think unfortunately. Going to a friends house tonight with the girls. Haven't cried yet and it's noon which is a plus!

get out for some fresh air - a walk always distracts me. . . :)

k

Im thinking of you hbb, im in the same boat it's day 14 days now since i last saw him. it's friday night and i would be going to his home to stay for the weekend, but im not. i havent cried today which is good and i am going for a meal with my friend. to be honest i dont want to go but i must, im sure my xab will be in a bar somewhere drowning his sorrows.

They fill your life with so much chaos and drama so when they leave there is nothing to worry about and it's empty. im taking time to fill my life with my own dramas (healthy ones).

i used to enjoy going out for a drink with my friends, so im going to learn to be that person again. hbb you will feel better soon and so will I. keep in touch

M x