hbb

I find that over the weeks i take 2 steps forward and then about 8 back. Is that normal? Last night was tough for me, my roommate's father works with my xabf and so that's how i hear info. Which is good and bad, her father thinks from day one that i can do so much better and that there's something shady about him. So last night my roommate got some (not much) info on my X that he's at work and doesn't appear to be bothered by a single thing according to her father, like nothing even has happened. Maybe he can turn it off at work and put it on the back burner for the day but it hurt me to think he doesn't give a hoot. Which i guess if your the one that does the breaking up you wouldn't right?

I layed in bed last night and wrote a list of pro's and con's with him then i did the same for me. About 3 or 4 weeks ago i did this same thing and the first list he was a God, ton's of pro's but last night after rehashing all the past month his con's are HUGE. I'm not sure if that's out of anger or if i read back it's the truth i neglected to see in the relationship. Her father has said all along that i can do sooooo much better and be glad it happened now and that if he ends up with his X that he will definatley go back to drinking and it is only a matter of time. You see, his X won't try to better him, encourage him, push him to strive for better...so i guess why wouldn't he be with someone that will just get by with him. As most of you know, we have a loan together and that's the part that really stinks because it's a connection. He will text me in a few days asking me for the acct. number and i really want to give it back and tell him to write it down because i WANT NO CONTACT.

I guess my question is, how do i continue to divert my attention. My friend asked me point blank last night "why do you focus soooo much energy on what he's doing, who he's with" and i have no answers for that Why do i give a hoot what he's doing, he's got absolutely NOTHING to offer anyone. He's beyond financial ruin, lies, cheats, sneaky, no ambition, all his friends are drunks.....I guess it comes down to I would like him to feel the pain i've felt over the past month. I just wonder if he's going to have this wonderful life now that i'm gone, i tend to believe that's not the case as he's 34 and has NOTHING to show other than massive debt. How come i'm not worth the fight?

Thanks for listening and i do see my therapist tonight so that should help too.

heather

Pick-a-name

Heather; I 've found the same thing to be true....that recovery doesn't feel like a straight line,but from the looks of things,it is easy to see that you have made HUGE strides in the past few weeks.

I like your idea about the "lists",in fact I think it is time I do the same myself!

Thanks for your post...it's helped me.

You may not "feel" better, but keep doing what you are doing because the results are there! And listen to your friend and her dad; they seem to be giving good advice! Hope you feel better about this today,too!

MsPINKAcres

Heather - Just wanted to say that it's not that we aren't worth the fight - it's just that sometimes the disease won't let them fight for us - even for themselves.

Cunning, baffling and powerful.

Not telling you what to do, but just offering a suggestion - How about trying not to ask for info from roommate or roommate's father? Or if they offer info to you - maybe try "I'm trying not to think about him right now"

The ODAT in Al-Anon book pg 131 says "What we are meant to know will come to our knowledge without any action on our part."

Just helps me to take the focus off of the A's, but it back on me and rest in the comfort that I will know what I need to know when I need to know it.

Just my e, s, & h,
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

hbb

Anvil & Pick ~ thank you, i appreciate it, i know i'll somehow get through. Sometimes if feel good and it's the right thing in the long run but then my heart overtakes and wonders if he's going to do a 180 and life this wonderful life and i'm the one that will have the negative effects.

Japic ~ thank you too! I know what you mean about not getting info, i kinda think i'm going to hear it regardless and i'm dreading the day i hear if they get back together but i guess it comes down to losers are meant for losers and once the again honeymoon is over i'm hoping to be long gone. Can't wait to see who gets that "prize".

Pick-a-name

I was a skeptic about this, but I did it anyhow and WOW!!!!! The most unusual and amazing information AT JUST THE PERFECT TIME has happened more than several times! It actually becomes rather exciting to know that more WILL be revealed,if it is pertinent! One time in particular, my son innocently went to AH's condo to get some things he left there and could not find them....he said just because he thought it would be funny, he looked under AH's mattress (never did before or since) and found a pile of paperwork he was hiding...that we had no way of knowing even existed!! Really helped me in our divorce argreement; just him knowing I saw it and had it. (that's all that was necessary..ha)

Uncanny things like that happen over and over again.....when I know to be aware. (sometimes the message is a bit more subtle,but it is there if I am open to it). My kids notice it now;too. And xAH does,too...........I think it freaks him out that the truth always has a way of coming out!

Barbara52

My therapist gave me a great visualization to deal with thoughts, worries, etc about my AH. Picture an orb or globe and put all your thoughts and concerns about your xabf inside. Shove everything in there and seal it with a force field. Know that nothing can get out once you've put it in there. Give that orb to your Higher Power and trust that HP to hold it close, keep it safe and do what is ever necessary.

I have found that this truly works for me. I have let go all my responsibility for my AH and given my worries about him to God. When something tries to seep out and cause me worries, I shove it right back in that orb ing God's hands.

Mair

Hello HBB
I know exactly how you feel. My xab used to tell me that relationships he had would last only weeks (wonder why). i am trying to tell myself whoever gets him gets his problem and if he finds someone that doesnt mind and is like him i know he wont like her much. I knew him 16 years ago when he was normal he was my first love, so i got a big shock when we met each other again 2 years ago. That is probably why i stuck it out so long.

I wrote a pro's and con's list i'd been delaying doing it for a long time it is a good way of realising how bad things actually got. Im still adding to the list of cons as the days go by. example "fell in lake when feeding swans" mind you that was so funny i might move it to the pros for entertainment value.he he.

keep getting stronger hbb no contact for you and me is good for US. I get good and bad days it's the roller coaster ride that will stop soon.

Mx

hbb

Oh i completely agree, up until this very moment, i haven't had to ask, snoop, follow, show up for any of the knowledge that i have about him to have come out. Someone told me to do "drive bys" and i said that i truly believed that the truth would surface and i wouldn't have had to do a thing. In doing so, i found out he snuck off to NH with his ex (he ran into a coworker and got caught), people have passed him out and about. He still goes to the Leigon, drinks O'douls, has all his same friends that get trashed EVERYDAY. He's basically a dry drunk....i'm sorry i wasted 9 months of love, support and encouragement to him. He claims he's not drinking, he very well might not be but he certainly hasn't changed his people, places and things around him. Hey, i'm no saint but i truly believe he will look back someday and say "hey, i had a good thing". It just all goes back to what's wrong with me, can't get that low self worth out of my head. And to think that someone soooo much lower and beyond help below me is causing me soooo much pain and heartache. Why? Do he have a conscience??

He's almost 7 months sober and misserable, my friend is in the same place in her sobriety and she's happy, full of life, greatful to have this second chance and he's sooooo different than that. Maybe this is the true sober J and he's a cruel person.

venusinlibra

Going to Alanon meetings and having a sponsor has helped me immensely. When I have a problem with the ABF I take it to her or the these boards. This way my friends and family don't have to listen to me babble about him. I can get support, good advice, and a kick in the butt. It actually has helped my relationships outside of the ABF one. My outside relationships with friends and family are getting stronger.

Pick-a-name

or,maybe she's really in recovery and sober and he is only dry......over on the Alcoholism forum they talk about this and many have said there is not a more miserable existence (or person) than one who is just dry and has not changed anything else;the "why" of many relapses.

hbb

Anvil...you made me cry!!!!! I know, your right, but my heart breaks, and i wonder if i can ever give and love someone (healthy) the way i did J because he's stripped me of so much along the way. I don't know if i can ever trust, love, and give the same.

splendra

((((hbb))))

We can control our thinking. Most of what we codies go thru is about our own thinking. The "what ifs" and the "if onlys" are a real snare for us.

What if he gets well....good for him...what if he gets together with his ex...so what?

If only he would acknowledge the pain he has caused you you would feel better....don't count on it

We are going to love you until you love yourself

Barbara52

Yes, we are!

hbb

I do think that's a big part of it. I'm learning to do that but i've ALWAYS put everyone else first. I have a friend that has talked at me and walked all over me for the past 10 years. Just the other day, she did it again and i haven't talked to her since Friday. I am so sick of being a doormat. I feel i need to get away from our unhealthy friendship along with this unhealthy relationship. I totally know that J and i would end up divorced that's why i can't figure out why i can't just chalk it up to he's a cheater, liar, loser, A, unhealthy person and NO ONE deserves that treatment. Why can't i get it? I've been here posting the same story for a month, i do realize that....but why???? He is on my mind allllllllllllll the time and he's so not worth being there, neither is SHE. She's more of a loser in my opinion and i thought, if he can do this to me he can certainly do it to her, even if they were together 8 years in the past.

CE Girl

Hey HBB,,,,

GIRL,,you need to go back and read your "beginings" here on SR,,,,!!! You've come a LONG way!!!

You just want no contact? Then TAKE it. YOUR in control. When he texts ya, tell him to WRITE IT DOWN and not contact you again.

Nuff said,,,

When you friends dad starts to talk about him, politely tell him your NOT interested, and ask him how he'd like his lemonade,,,

And most importantyl, CONTINUE to focus on YOU!! It's working sweetie.

I'm with your friends,,you deserve SO MUCH MORE!!

Peace

splendra

Don't forget that if you had been healthy when you met him you would not have given him the time of day most likely.

He has done you a favor by showing you that you have some work to do on yourself.

You can learn this lesson.

parentrecovers

sending support, k

mallowcup

I think it is human nature to think we are missed and there is a void in someones life because we aren't in it. I think we have a curiosity about who will come along after us. What will they be like? There is also a very visceral question in our own minds that makes us wonder if we were different, things might have been different.
At first it seems so many partners go off and appear happy with someone else. I think most often it is usually short lived.
We absorb much more than we realize in alcoholic relationships. It is tough to end a relationship with one fact. We always came second to a beverage.

hbb

Mallow & Anvil, you are so insightful, i know you are so much further in your own recovery and value all your wisdom and being so helpful. I think if i could only stop for one day of saying "what if" then i would be so much better. Someone in my Al Anon said the other day, if i let my mind wonder, stop and think what i'm doing at that very moment, if i'm washing dishes than i'm washing dishes, etc. It's true, once i let my mind wonder it's all over The other major hangup is that it's his X that he has something to do with now and i think that hurts me more than if it was someone completely new. I feel i bettered him for her but in the long run it didn't work for 8 years with them for a reason, right? I should be thinking "good luck to her, he's a *****" and if he could do it to me he could do it again, period.

kglast

((((hbb)))) sorry you are hurting - i agree with others here - like we said the other night - NO CONTACT -and keep putting one foot in front of the other. you will be OK - I didn't think I would ever get better but I have...slowly....progress, not perfection....just concentrate on YOU and having some FUN (yes, it really can happen if you try! )