Do A's Always Cause A Crisis?
 

Every single time there is a special occasion or event involving ME, AW causes some sort of crisis or scene. I am assuming this is because she isn't the center of attention. It is often not a scene that is visible to anyone else...often just a snide remark or words said in the car on the way...and then she blasts me with both barrells for something stupid after it's all over....so basically I sit there miserable because I know what's going to follow...doesnt matter if it's my birthday, Fathers Day or anything else surrounding ME....

Does this happen to everyone else?

I find the same thing. My AD seems to manage to ruin every occasion for the rest of us. It's uncanny sometimes. And we are sick to death of it.

Can others help me and AskingWhy with some insight.

Yep. Every birthday, every holiday. Without fail. 18 years of it.

Well, for me it's because it was all about me, I'd create any drama to keep everyone focused on me. Why? Because I was so godd@mn miserable and unhappy in my disease that I was dying for someone to notice me and pay attention to me. Me, me, me. Alcoholics are incredibly selfish and self-centered.

Astro said it best.

As a codependent, it was difficult for me to see my exabf happy because I was so miserable so it really comes from both sides. Actually, I think its more an issue of being miserable as Astro pointed out. How dare my exabf enjoy one ounce of happiness while i'm suffering through all this (in my best marytr voice with forearm across forehead Gone With The Wind style)!!??

From the Big Book of AA

Astro makes a good point.....

Thanks to all of you for the insight. It does to help to hear it from others.

Every time I read that I think about how high-functioning I thought I was. I never missed an engagement, was always on time, had the same good career I had now, took care of a large home and family, etc. etc.

But I lied to my ex, manipulated and controlled anyone and everything I could, and heaped loads of verbal and mental abuse on my ex. I'm sure I lied to my kids too. And no matter what I tried to project, I was dead and unhappy on the inside.

Wow, this really struck a chord with me. I get why my ABF is making such a scene/causing a crisis, etc. He knows I have an important deadline on Friday for work and he is causing all kinds of drama...trying to break me down. Hang in there.

Every single time there is a special occasion or event involving ME, AW causes some sort of crisis or scene. I am assuming this is because she isn't the center of attention. It is often not a scene that is visible to anyone else...often just a snide remark or words said in the car on the way...and then she blasts me with both barrells for something stupid after it's all over....so basically I sit there miserable because I know what's going to follow...doesnt matter if it's my birthday, Fathers Day or anything else surrounding ME....

Does this happen to everyone else?

What a light bulb moment. This has happened to me in my relationship and as a child. Maybe it is the unhappiness, the drama allows him or her to blow off steam, and everyone else can feel as crappy as they do.

I guess I should have compassion. But sometimes I just can't.

Your know what ...

My ex-AH use to undermind whatever was happening with me unless it included him... and a major that he would work on was my career. He would do any/everything to make me feel bad about my career (granted in the beginning I was a workaholic) and embarrass me ... it got to the point that I would not attend any company functions that included spouses... unless I knew he could not be there.

Many years later the told me that he was deathly afraid that I would "out grow" him, that the more sucessful I became the more he felt unimportant and bad about himself... I spent many years trying to build him up and letting myself die inside.... because it was all about him.

Oh I feel you pain on social occasions and how they act prior to them. I know my AW looks like she is excited to go to social events with alcohol at them and cant wait to get started. My AW would say things not being intentionally nasty to me but out of excitement. I honestly feel that some A's enjoy the anticipation of drinking more than the experience itself.

That's why I take my vacations ALONE. I go to the movies, out to dinner, visit friends - alone. If it's a holiday, AH will go on a bender or throw a fit. I noticed that every single time we went on vacation the past 3 years, he'd go off about about anything - just outta the blue.

I, too, got the sarcastic comments and attitude. Finally, in February, when he went completely off his stick, I said that was it for me. I cut my losses. I enjoy myself far more without him hanging around.

I'm sure I will not be home or anywhere around him over Labor Day weekend. Not worth the headaches.

If threre isn't anything going on, he'll stir up some drama. He did it on Memorial Day, when he managed to stay sober when I wasn't around, but as soon as I got to our motorhome to go out on the jet ski with him, I found he'd already downed a bottle of wine for breakfast. I left, went home, didn't answer the phone, and relaxed by my pool.

For the three years prior to my divorce, I did the same thing, just me and the kids. My ex ruined every occasion that was supposed to be joyful...right down to and including my oldest son's wedding. Vacations with him were horrible; so we just started going without him.

Of course, then I had to listen to him whine about how "no one wants poor old dad around..." and "it hurts so much to look at the pictures of the family and not see myself in them".

It wasn't until I found SR that I realized that those were things all addicts say and I really wasn't to blame for his misery.

Yep they do, or mine (XAH) did for several years. Birthdays, didn't matter whose, until I got to where I would only go to immediate family get togethers, and even then I often skipped them. Our children's birthdays, school parties/programs, my career achievements, holidays, heck funerals of acquaintences--it didn't matter, there would be some 'issue/fault' and he could make into a scene/ruin it/make it all about him.

Now though, I fully enjoy them all (except the funerals obviously). Another thing I now notice that I had no clue I even did before, is that I always kept one stressful eye on the kids. They're young and I never knew what issue he'd pick with them, or when he'd pick it. Maybe jumping too much on the trampoline or whatever, or playing chase with other kids. Even at large family get togethers where cousins all play together and there were plenty of adults, I was always right there--always afraid. Now though, yes I keep an eye on my kids, but they're kids, they *play*, really play and I enjoy other adult get togethers. It's amazing to me the things we all gave up/didn't experience because I kept us in that stupid dance.

None of us have to worry about his scenes now--thank God. For so long I just saw it as him&me. This strange struggle between just the two of us. Now I see the much bigger picture, now I understand it had very little to do with me or the kids, that it was his addiction, not necessarily him finding issue or fault. But I still thank God I let it all go.

Hang in there Loveslife and AskingWhy.

Wow; to me, you just described my exAH.

He has really been trying to be nice and helpful lately, but I see this struggle even though he doesn't say much negative to me,etc. I "feel" the fight he is having, and hear him crab at our dog or something in passing to one of the kids, or more about something in the news,etc. I hear the MISERABLE coming out of him. It's sad but I try to ignore it....and not join in the pity-party.

He's all about the control and he sees that since he has divorced me, the kids and I are slipping away. I don't think he counted on that.

Mine would rather isolate himself at home to drink. He never wanted to go to any of my family events or even out on a date. He said since we had a house, people could just come over to see us. He wondered why they didn't want to. Eventually, I didn't want them to.

I really don't think it phases my ex to be alone and drink. He never needed to be the center of attention. He just really was indifferent about a lot of things mostly what I did. He just didn't want anyone telling him anything about his drinking.

So I ended up isolating myself and resenting it. Not anymore!

I think I created more of a crisis in my mind than he did. I was always waiting for something bad to happen. I was so concerned about his safety and health. Now I have to be #1.

Yes you right, it's because you are getting attention and she isn't.

Earthworm

Yup, isolation is middle and late stage alcoholism.

It doesn't. It's an alkies goal.

GlassPrisoner, you raised a very interesting point regarding isolation. My AH isolates big time. We can't have his co-workers over because they all think he dried out for good from last year's rehab, so he can't drink around them. He doesn't appear to have interest in going anywhere, doing anything, meeting anyone, whatever .... When he's sober (which isn't often), he's awkward and ill-at-ease, when he's drunk he's just plain nuts.

In pulling a "geographic" he moved us to an alkie's heaven-on-Earth: small town, middle of nowhere, people aren't particularly friendly ... he can stagger around in the backyard with his bottle or sit starting at the t.v. and nobody, including the neighbors, ever bothers him one bit. Sad, very sad.

Yup.

Yup and yup.......That's alcoholism. And why we're afraind of AA. We're not used to being around other people, interacting & stuff.

As far as a geographic, you know the old saying. "Wherever you go, there you are " or "Where ever you go, you take you with you" I.E., the problem is an inside job.

Amen to that, GP. I washed my hands of the entire mess months ago. I'm pulling a "geographic" vacation, but mine is to reconnect with a lot of friends and a strong support system. I'm also going to do some initial job-hunting. Yes, my codie-ism will go with me, but at least I won't be exposed to AH's toxicity, thank God!

Wow, you're married to my long-lost twin brother! And here I thought I was the only isolating home drinker. Terminally unique for sure.

My ex-AH use to undermind whatever was happening with me unless it included him... and a major that he would work on was my career. He would do any/everything to make me feel bad about my career (granted in the beginning I was a workaholic) and embarrass me ... it got to the point that I would not attend any company functions that included spouses... unless I knew he could not be there.

WOW. That's true here too. According to AW my job isn't good enough....they dont' treat me right....I don't make enough money....TO HECK with the fact I actually LIKE what I do....

my daughter does this - her addiction is very self centered. we've had to pull her aside many times at gatherings to tell her to KNOCK IT OFF!

it's part of the frustration a lot of us feel..

blessings, k

Wow....my A pulled a geographic to move to his own little condo. (no wife,kids,dogs,etc...) I guess he spends his other time in a very A-friendly sport: golf. Quite,controlled, you play with people (or not) but not much talking. Perfect! and a drink at the end, if you want! :)

Oh, and before moving, he was another "isolating home drinker",too!

Of course they cause a crisis. So does anyone who is trying to find an excuse to avoid the real issue.

I did it, too, and I would bet my car that 99% of people posting on F&F did it too. Yet again, it is something that is not unique to problem drinkers.

I don't feel I started a crisis, but I certainly contributed a great deal to one once it was set in motion. I'd escalate it by taking his bait or trying to explain him to him or begging him for answers. Yeah, as if I was gonna get a rational response from an A. But that was my role to play. Trying to make him see the light, trying to drag him into a meeting (I actually drove him to one when he was half-smashed), trying to get him to see my point of view.

I was honestly so shocked at the things he would say or do to me that I would just freak out or get into a major argument/fight with him. So I acted in collusion with him. I suppose my contribution to a crisis was to get involved in it and go along for the ride or escalate the situation once it was set in motion.

My XAH was for the most part a loner when it came to drinking too but I could tell this wasnt what he wanted at all. The kids and I got in the way of his good times that he longed for. And when we asked him to go to rehab....well then that turned out to be the beginning of the end..

He not only drank alone but the kids noticed before he left us in Jul 05 that it only took him 3 or 4 beers to become drunk...I didnt understand this until now.

And like alot of others have said we didnt go out at all and his drinking cost us the few friends that we did have...