Legal separation while still living together
 

Hi,

Have any of you had to co-habitate with your AH for economic reasons after filing a separation? Is it possible to maintain focus and sanity under those circumstances? While the agreement would give me financial protection and get the money going toward the bills and kids instead of to bars, I am concerned that living together would prevent AH from facing the true consequences of his drinking, as he would still benefit from the cooking, cleaning, childcare and so on that I naturally provide.

Thank you so much for your wisdom.

Of course I am not an expert, but my first gut reaction to your question is "yes it would enable him" "yes it would slow down his recovery" but sometimes we need to think of what is best for ourselves and our children before worrying about what is best for him. If you need to wait a bit before moving out or having him move out for finacial or practical reasons, those needs come first. If you need to wait because you are avoiding the 'move' focus on strengthening yourself and do it when you are ready...you'll know when the time is right. For me, I try to keep my mind focused on "Why" I'm choosing to do what I'm doing more than the actual choice. Easier said than done....of course. Sometime we need to step back before we can move forward, but if waiting awhile would benefit you and the kids, that need is more important than 'his' need at the moment. I don't even know if that came out clear. Just my first gut reaction to your question, take it for what is worth.

How long would you try to do this? It is extremely hard, and what will YOU be gaining? There must be another way....but it is very difficult financially to physically separate.
Mine had to stay for a month to find place. This house has room for us to be separated but he would come in falling down drunk, bumping off walls, etc and it was awful. Silence was golden, but annoying to have someone under the roof like he was. Hated seeing him pack up and leave, tho. BUT, there was an immediate sense of peace, with it.

Good point, I think it matters too how much "YUCK" your children wuld be exposed to in the meantime...nothing is worth that in my opinion.

i have not, icetea, but my thoughts are with you. does this arrangement benefit both of you or is it for his sake?

Hi IceTea. I can't answer from me but guess what? My AH when he was married before did this. Yes in the house. Yes with a joint business with his wife he is the A not the ex-wife. They did it. I live in the house now. The house is big and has a separate attic room and she was there when she was not visiting relatives or whatever. She kept very busy. He had to really fend for himself and he would cook for the kids or take them out to eat etc. She did not do the dishes or anything. He had to do it. They did that for a year or more. They did eventually divorce but she had rights to the business space for a few months after. I think if you would benefit financially then you may need to do it. I would personally be too uncomfortable but I understand you have a different situation. I guess the thought would be don't do his laundry, don't cook for him, do for you and your children and I guess that would be a separation. The line I have outlined here makes me wonder? For him to face the consequences of his drinking? Don't do any of this IMO then if you think it will do this. I think an A will do what they are going to do no matter what? Have you consulted with anyone regarding setting up some clear boundaries with what you can and cannot tolerate? Would that be a consideration? Just my thoughts. Irsh