it hurts
 

is there anyone else out here tonight that hurts as much as I do?

i cannot describe it.

evening friend
oh, friend, i'm so sorry you are hurting. i understand, i really do. it's ok to hurt. just let it happen. in the past, i would hurt so badly, i thought i was losing my mind.....still do at times, but it comes further and further apart now.

it comes and go.....at least it did for me. was the same as a death in my family, only worse.

blessings to you friend
tomorrow will be better
jeri

it hasnt been this dark for me in a while. i really want to die. or him to die. ijust want the pain to end, one way or another. i dont feel like i can take one more minute of it. thanks for replying to me

((friend of bill)) - sorry you are hurting - i get in deep, dark holes myself and i know it's not fun. big hugs to you!

I hurt always, has gotten a bit lighter over time. Can lose myself in a book, but one cannot read constantly. Careing HUGS

sure you can make it....you've made it this far and you will make it further. the hurt is just a part of the healing, friend.

are you going to be ok tonight? do you need to make a call to your al-anon family? they are always there for us. make the call and let it all out.

blessings to you friend
jeri

i called a few friends, no one is around, my son is here, trying his best to help....he tells me how much he loves me and because i feel just like the **** the alcoholic treats me with, i cannot believe my son loves me. when the alcoholic tells you, treat you like sh!t, i really cant believe how anyone can feel otherwise about me. I am in a terrible state of mind cus i didnt use to believe this,...i usually have self esteem, but one conversation with the drunk sucked it all away.

that's what the disease does, friend, tries to rob us of our self-esteem, dignity. now get those al-anon tapes rolling in your head.....

a conversation with the alcoholic is like talking to the very disease itself....just him saying whatever he said, or doing whatever he did....does NOT make it so. it's the booze talking.....let it roll right off of ya. they are the words and actions of a very sick person.

how old is your son??

blessings to you
jeri

(((( F O B ))))

what was triggered with the conversation?

my son is 14, and an alateen, thats why he knows just what to do and say in times like this. He is an angel.

The trigger?

I asked my ex for his fathers phone # and he refused to give to me saying he knew I was only going to call the man and talk badly about him. Ya see, he made it all about HIM.

My son hasnt seen his grandfather in over 2 yrs, i wante d to try to reestablish the relationship. Hard to do when everyone is affected by the diseasw

Yep, and the paranoia doesn't help, either

Any other way you can track the man down?

Hi ***,
I'm sorry you are down tonight. I hate those nights. Fortunately they come and go.
Is your X's dad the only grandparent your son has? If not, like Dr. Laura says, sometimes it's better for everyone if he cherishes the relationships he does have instead of trying to make the other ones work too, especially if it means going through your ex. If it is, even then, I'm sure he has uncles, friends, and family that complete his life, not to mention his amazing mom, right?
I know it sucks. I really do. Every day I become more and more shocked by the depths of addiction. I really had no clue that it was this big of a monster. It is bigger than I ever dreamed possible. I'm sorry it's affecting all of us, but especially you tonight.
((()))

I'm right with you!! I really hope you fell better.**{Hug's to U}}

Oh Friend of Bill, there are such deep dark holes we fall in, but you can get out & will! Your son sounds amazing, bless his heart....trying to help his Mom get better, and of course he loves you. DO NOT let that A get you.....come on you can do it. Tomorrow will be another day. Where I live it has been gloomy, dark, grey, rainy and sooooo very depressing. Also, with the holidays coming so do memories of past. This will be a tough time for most of us at times. We will need to bolster each other up. You are there for us, as we will be for you.

f-o-b, why put yourself through this by interacting with your ex? It's not healthy and it's not necessary. You can find the information you seek on your own. www.zabasearch.com can help you find your son's grandfather in seconds and won't cost you a dime. You can handle your affairs without him. You can be free of the pain if you choose to be.

I'm sorry you're hurting, f0b. It's often darkest before the light. Please remember that you didn't cause it. You can't control it. And you can't cure it.

My friend, Yes I have been there far to many times. Guess what? I pulled through because I did exactly as you have you reached out to Us!!! And what a great bunch of people!!!!!!!!!
Work through it, you will do it.
I start cleaning my house when I'm down. Try to think of something that will keep your mind busy. Play a board game with your son or maybe a video game . I know cray but sometimes i sit with my kids and try to do something they really like,it's fun.. Give it a try

F_O_B....I see by these answers that I am in good company. Thank the Lord that I am not feeling this way today;but have felt that desperate way so often lately. I just do not feel like I have the strength to go on feeling some days......just so painful and just too tired. I am so very sorry you are feeling this way,too. What I do is ask (beg) my HP (God) for help to get thru the pain.......and so far,so good. I try not to get too far ahead in my thinking,if I can.

Lots of hugs and prayers going out to you and your son (and A)...I hope and pray you feel better very,very soon!

Glad you are here;thanks for sharing this,too. I thought it was just me that still feels so desperate too often.

F_O_B -- lots of love to you tonight!!! :Val004:

I have no advice. When I hurt the worst, I try to just shut my thoughts down and alllow myself to feel the pain without judging or drawing any conclusions. I have no idea if that is "on program" or smart or anything, but it takes the fear out of the pain for me. The pain becomes just that -- a feeling.

12 hours at a time is too long sometimes, and that's when we dig our fingernails into the carpet, bite our upper teeth into the rug, and pull ourselves forward, ten minutes, or one minute, or a second at a time.

Well, I think some of this just needs som retraining. I think it is excellent that you are thinking of reestablishing some relationships. I think that's a great sign that you are healing. That doesn't make it painless. I think you are coming to a place where contact with this alcoholic is so unsettling, it isn't worth factoring him in at all. He won't give you the number. OK then, theree has to be another way to get the number. I think it may not be as hard as you think. In the end, you may discover that the alcoholic is the one who is making your life so frustrating and when you skip his input, simple things are simple. Your son sounds like a sweetheart. I think you can find grandpa. This will make you feel good and empowered. Make it your mission to bulldoze past pain because you can succeed. Who else in your life thinks you are dumb. That's right, no one. Why take the word of someone who is mean, unkind and drunk most of the time? When is the last time your husband made anyone feel good about themself?

My prayers are with you.
God Bless,

thank you all so much for the words of comfort. I called an ex bf last night, believe it or not, and he came over and sat with me to talk. He just listened very patiently while I blathered. I also had called **** Oreilly (Bill) if you remember him , he usually posts on Alcoholism thread. He is alcoholic, not al-anon, but did a very nice job of reminding me how sick and incapable my ex is. He helped me a great deal.

The disease just grabbed ahold of the seat of my pants and wouldnt let go. My immunity was down due to a 2 week bout of daily headache pain and financial concerns, pressures of single parenting etc....basically when the emotional and phsycail immune system is weak, the disease takes fulls advantage. The holiday season doesnt help.

My sons grandfather lives out of country, and I have tried hard to find directory service to get his number, but his country does not offer 411 service to the US, I did email a relative over there whose email ifound on the net, asked him twice to contact him to tell him to call me, over 2 months ago. I got a few calls from a "blocked id" call, but theynever left a message on my voicemail. I'm constantly wondering if it indeed was him trying to reach me.

When my ex got angry at me, 3 years ago, he of course told his family how aweful I am etc...and they just literally cut us off, from one day to the next. HIs family was really the only familial connection my son had...I havebrothers and sisters but we have contact only on holidays, so my son had never had much connection to them. His fathers brother and sister, mom and dad, were evreything.

This is how alcoholism works....when you divorce the man, he takes his family with him and they just forget that they have a grandson. Ive written them 3 letters over the last 2.5 years, sent to his sisters address in hopes she would forward to them....never heard a word.

And this is how alcoholism is indeed a "family" disease.

When my ex got angry at me, 3 years ago, he of course told his family how aweful I am etc...and they just literally cut us off, from one day to the next. HIs family was really the only familial connection my son had...I havebrothers and sisters but we have contact only on holidays, so my son had never had much connection to them. His fathers brother and sister, mom and dad, were evreything.

This is how alcoholism works....when you divorce the man, he takes his family with him and they just forget that they have a grandson. Ive written them 3 letters over the last 2.5 years, sent to his sisters address in hopes she would forward to them....never heard a word.

And this is how alcoholism is indeed a "family" disease.[/QUOTE]



It was not alcoholism in my situation growing up. I am an only child and my dad and mom divorced when I was 12. My dad's family never got in touch. My grandmother, aunts, uncles, cousins and it was a lot of water under the bridge. One cousin on my dad's side re-established me into the family by supporting me. She did it. Maybe in future your son can have this I am 43 now and did not have this until 3 years ago. I hope that you are feeling a little better today. I totally understand the black hole of pain. I hate it.

(((((FriendofBill)))))

Since my wife left to continue her drinking and to be with her alcoholic rehab lover, we have had very little contact with her family. They were never much at staying in touch anyway, but you would think they would be concerned about their grandkids.

Nope.....I am beginning to beleive they are as worthless as their daughter.

Alcoholism is also a famiy disease because genetically it means there are probably others in the family who are either alcoholics themselves and/or living with the damage of having lived with it.....maybe without even knowing it. I know that it has been very threatening to some members of my exAH's family. It really makes a mess of things for so many people,but especially the children involved. None of it is rational, as we all know.

I am having the best luck via email. My son communicates that way and usually,so do I. No guarantees but opens a door and possible way for a response in the future.

Has your son ever tried sending a message to the relatives himself, or asking his dad for the information? Just curious. May not change anything,but might seem less threatening to a paranoid brain to hear a grandson just wanted to send his Gpa a Christmas card,etc...

Good luck. Hope today is a much better day for you and glad your had some supportive friends to help you.

Ahhh sweetie...

You know the drill, you know the ups and downs and the emotional black hole.... we all go there from time to time. Im really glad that you came here and poured it out and Im also glad you have RL friends to hold you ....

I have been a single Mom for 15 years... boy do I ever know the pressures...You have been trying to get in touch for sometime now. I know its important to you and your son... but maybe its time to give that one up to God hon. It is just not the right time.

As far as you ex goes.... quack quack quack.. he is sick and just not worth the pain sweetie. You deserve so much more then that.

SO ... you did not say ... are you out of that black hole yet?

half way out...gonna run to a meeting now, will check back in soon, maybe be 3/4 out by then!

thanks again everyone...

the sun is still behind all those dark clouds friend - even when we can't see it - may God shine a rainbow on you today!!!!

FriendoB, Hope the meeting helped. LV and BIG CARING HUGS.