Addiction, Lies and Relationships-Author Floyd P. Garrett, M.D.
 

Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Author Floyd P. Garrett, M.D.

Addiction means always having to say you are sorry Ã* and finally, when being sorry is no longer good enough for others who have been repeatedly hurt by the addiction, addiction often means being sorry all alone.

Addiction is often said to be a disease of denial Ã* but it is also a disease of regret. When the addictive process has lasted long enough and penetrated deeply enough into the life and mind of the addict, the empty space left by the losses caused by progressive, destructive addiction is filled up with regrets, if-onlys and could-have-beens. In early addiction the addict tends to live in the future; in middle and late addiction he begins to dwell more and more in the past. And it is usually an unhappy, bitterly regretted past.

The first casualty of addiction, like that of war, is the truth. At first the addict merely denies the truth to himself. But as the addiction, like a malignant tumor, slowly and progressively expands and invades more and more of the healthy tissue of his life and mind and world, the addict begins to deny the truth to others as well as to himself. He becomes a practiced and profligate liar in all matters related to the defense and preservation of his addiction, even though prior to the onset of his addictive illness, and often still in areas as yet untouched by the addiction, he may be scrupulously honest.

First the addict lies to himself about his addiction, then he begins to lie to others. Lying, evasion, deception, manipulation, spinning and other techniques for avoiding or distorting the truth are necessary parts of the addictive process. They precede the main body of the addiction like military sappers and shock troops, mapping and clearing the way for its advance and protecting it from hostile counterattacks.

Because addiction by definition is an irrational, unbalanced and unhealthy behavior pattern resulting from an abnormal obsession, it simply cannot continue to exist under normal circumstances without the progressive attack upon and distortion of reality resulting from the operation of its propaganda and psychological warfare brigades. The fundamentally insane and unsupportable thinking and behavior of the addict must be justified and rationalized so that the addiction can continue and progress.

One of the chief ways the addiction protects and strengthens itself is by a psychology of personal exceptionalism which permits the addict to maintain a simultaneous double-entry bookkeeping of addictive and non-addictive realities and to reconcile the two when required by reference to the unique, special considerations that Ã*at least in his own mind- happen to apply to his particular case.

The form of the logic for this personal exceptionalism is:

Under ordinary circumstances and for most people X is undesirable/irrational;
My circumstances are not ordinary and I am different from most people;
Therefore X is not undesirable/irrational in my case - or not as undesirable/irrational as it would be in other cases.
Armed with this powerful tool of personal exceptionalism that is a virtual "Open Sesame" for every difficult ethical conundrum he is apt to face, the addict is free to take whatever measures are required for the preservation and progress of his addiction, while simultaneously maintaining his allegiance to the principles that would certainly apply if only his case were not a special one.

In treatment and rehabilitation centers this personal exceptionalism is commonly called "terminal uniqueness." The individual in the grip of this delusion is able to convince himself though not always others that his circumstances are such that ordinary rules and norms of behavior, rules and norms that he himself concurs with when it comes to other people, do not fairly or fully fit himself at the present time and hence must be bent or stretched just sufficiently to make room for his special needs. In most cases this plea for accommodation is acknowledged to be a temporary one and accompanied by a pledge or plan to return to the conventional "rules of engagement" as soon as circumstances permit. This is the basic mindset of "IÇll quit tomorrow" and "If you had the problems I do youÇd drink and drug, too!"

The personal exceptionalism of the addict, along with his willingness to lie both by commission and omission in the protection and furtherance of his addiction, place a severe strain upon his relationships with others. It does not usually take those who are often around the addict long to conclude that he simply cannot be believed in matters pertaining to his addiction. He may swear that he is clean and sober and intends to stay that way when in fact he is under the influence or planning to become so at the first opportunity; he may minimize or conceal the amount of substance consumed; and he may make up all manner of excuses and alibis whose usually transparent purpose is to provide his addiction the room it requires to continue operating.

One of the most damaging interpersonal scenarios occurs when the addict, usually as the consequence of some unforeseen crisis directly stemming from his addiction, promises with all of the sincerity at his command to stop his addictive behavior and never under any circumstances to resume it again.

"I promise," the addict pleads, sometimes with tears in his eyes. "I know I have been wrong, and this time I have learned my lesson. YouÇll never have to worry about me again. It will never happen again!"

But it does happen again Ã* and again, and again, and again. Each time the promises, each time their breaking. Those who first responded to his sincere sounding promises of reform with relief, hope and at times even joy soon become disillusioned and bitter.

Spouses and other family members begin to ask a perfectly logical question: "If you really love and care about me, why do you keep doing what you know hurts me so badly?" To this the addict has no answer except to promise once again to do better, "this time for real, youÇll see!" or to respond with grievances and complaints of his own. The question of fairness arises as the addict attempts to extenuate his own admitted transgressions by repeated references to what he considers the equal or greater faults of those who complain of his addictive behavior. This natural defensive maneuver of "the best defense is a good offense" variety can be the first step on a slippery slope that leads to the paranoid demonization of the very people the addict cares about the most. Unable any longer to carry the burden of his own transgressions he begins to think of himself as the victim of the unfairness and unreasonableness of others who are forever harping on his addiction and the consequences that flow from it. "Leave me alone," he may snap. "IÇm not hurting anybody but myself!" He has become almost totally blind to how his addictive behavior does in fact harm those around him who care about him; and he has grown so confused that hurting only himself has begun to sound like a rational, even a virtuous thing to do!

Corresponding in a mirror image fashion to the addictÇs sense of unfair victimization by his significant others may be the rising self-pity, resentment and outrage of those whose lives are repeatedly disturbed or disrupted by the addictÇs behavior. A downward spiral commences of reciprocally reinforcing mistrust and resentment as once healthy and mutually supportive relationships begin to corrode under the toxic effects of the relentless addictive process.

As the addictive process claims more of the addict's self and lifeworld his addiction becomes his primary relationship to the detriment of all others. Strange as it sounds to speak of a bottle of alcohol, a drug, a gambling obsession or any other such compulsive behavior as a love object, this is precisely what goes on in advanced addictive illness. This means that in addiction there is always infidelity to other love objects such as spouses and other family - for the very existence of addiction signifies an allegiance that is at best divided and at worst -and more commonly- betrayed. For there comes a stage in every serious addiction at which the paramount attachment of the addict is to the addiction itself. Those unfortunates who attempt to preserve a human relationship to individuals in the throes of progressive addiction almost always sense their own secondary "less than" status in relation to the addiction - and despite the addict's passionate and indignant denials of this reality, they are right: the addict does indeed love his addiction more than he loves them.

Addiction protects and augments itself by means of a bodyguard of lies, distortions and evasions that taken together amount to a full scale assault upon consensual reality. Because addiction involves irrational and unhealthy thinking and behavior, its presence results in cognitive dissonance both within the addict himself and in the intersubjective realm of ongoing personal relationships.

In order for the addiction to continue it requires an increasingly idiosyncratic private reality subject to the needs of the addictive process and indifferent or even actively hostile to the healthy needs of the addict and those around him. This encroachment of the fundamentally autistic, even insane private reality of the addict upon the reality of his family and close associates inevitably causes friction and churn as natural corrective feedback mechanisms come into usually futile play in an effort to restore the addict's increasingly deviant reality towards normal. Questions, discussions, presentations of facts, confrontations, pleas, threats, ultimatums and arguments are characteristic of this process, which in more fortunate and less severe cases of addiction may sometimes actually succeed in its aim of arresting the addiction. But in the more serious or advanced cases all such human counter-attacks upon the addiction, even, indeed especially when they come from those closest and dearest to the addict, fall upon deaf ears and a hardened heart. The addict's obsession-driven, monomaniacal private reality prevents him from being able to hear and assimilate anything that would if acknowledged pose a threat to the continuance of his addiction.

At this stage of addiction the addict is in fact functionally insane. It is usually quite impossible, even sometimes harmful to attempt to talk him out of his delusions regarding his addiction. This situation is similar to that encountered in other psychotic illnesses, schizophrenia for example, in which the individual is convinced of the truth of things that are manifestly untrue to everyone else. Someone who is deluded in the belief that he is the target of a worldwide conspiracy by some organization will always be able to answer any rational objection to his theory in a fashion that preserves the integrity of his belief system. Even when he is presented with hard and fast data that unequivocally disproves some of his allegations, he will easily find a way to sidestep the contradiction and persist in his false beliefs. (He can for example easily claim that the contradictory data is itself part of the conspiracy and is expressly fabricated for the purpose of making him look crazy! Anyone who has ever tried -uselessly- to reason with delusional patients knows the remarkable creativity and ingenuity that can be displayed in maintaining the viability, at least to the patient, of the most bizarre and obviously erroneous beliefs.)

The addict's delusions that he is harming neither himself nor others by his addictive behaviors; that he is in control of his addiction rather than vice versa; that his addiction is necessary or even useful and good for him; that the circumstances of his life justify his addiction; that people who indicate concern about him are enemies and not friends, and all other such beliefs which are patently and transparently false to everyone but himself, are seldom correctable by reason or objective data and thus indicate the presence of genuinely psychotic thinking which, if it is more subtle than the often grotesque delusions of the schizophrenic, is by virtue of its very subtlety often far more insidious and dangerous to the addict and those with whom he comes into contact. For in the case of the delusional schizophrenic most people are quickly aware that they are dealing with someone not in their right mind - but in the case of the equally or at times even more insane addict, thinking that is in fact delusional may be and commonly is misattributed to potentially remediable voluntary choices and moral decisions, resulting in still more confusion and muddying of the already turbulent waters around the addict and his addiction.

In many cases the addict responds to negative feedback from others about his addiction by following the maxim of "Attack the attacker." Those who confront or complain about the addict's irrational and unhealthy behaviors are criticized, analyzed and dismissed by the addict as untrustworthy or biased observers and false messengers. Their own vulnerabilities may be ruthlessly exposed and exploited by the addict in his desperate defense of his addiction. In many cases, depending upon their own psychological makeup and the nature of their relationship to the addict, they themselves may begin to manifest significant psychological symptoms. Emotional and social withdrawal, secrecy, fear and shame can cause the mental health of those closely involved with addicts to deteriorate. Almost always there is fear, anger, confusion and depression resulting from repeated damaging exposures to the addict's unhealthy and irrational behaviors and their corresponding and supporting private reality.

Wow, MG. What a powerful thread!! Just when I thought tht I understood the addict, this makes it so much more clear and something I can definitely relate to. I need to take time and go back and absorb this.

I'm going to let it run for a while and then "sticky" it at the top fpr reference.

Thank you so much for posting this.

Hugs
Ann

Excellent thread M.G.

I have seen the addiction progress to this
point.....total insanity.

I have never seen anything written like this.
Powerful and right on.


Hugs,

WOW! I SEE THIS In My A, Scary! What Effect Would This Have On The Addict If He Read This? Would It Make Sense To Him?

Great post! This is the best explanation I have ever read. MG thanks so much for taking the time to share it. I'm wondering also if it would have any effect on the addict if they read it.

Hugs to everyone

Only if they are sober.

M.G:

Just read your post! Wow! Powerful stuff! I lived it, each and every word! Printed it so maybe one day my son can read it! Thanks for sharing....

Hugs, Devastated

M.G.,

Wow! I've been very tempted to show this to my "A", but I'm afraid of what the results would be. Denial? Resentment? Anger? Or would he surprise me and even agree with this? My "A" was doing great for several years, then became hooked again after medical issues arose. Now we're on that cycle again and he's mostly hooked on pot for "pain relief". It's been very hard at times. There has to be an alternative that's affective, legal, but not addictive, but he's not interesting in finding it. Thanks for your post!!!

-Heavenbound

MG

I just want you to know that I gave a copy of this to a friend of mine from CoDA, and she cried when she read it because it explained so clearly what was going on.

So from Victoria, a great big hug!!!

This is one of the finest posts I have ever read here. Thank you again.

Hugs
Ann

Well I must say that I cried when I read this too. The more I know about addiction the easier it is to detach myself from my need to save. It also makes it easier for me to show respect to my son knowing what has him captive at this time. It's not personal. It just is.

I pray for his safety and pray that his HP will lead him to recovery. In the meantime I'm expanding my goals and developing new skills and keeping my focus on what I want for my life. We don't have to stop our recovery because they haven't started theirs. It's just a matter of changing our focus and taking our eyes off the addict and keeping the focus on our own need for change. By focusing on them we are ditching our responsibility to do the work we need to do on ourselves. It's not easy because their chaos can cause real problems in our lives and it hurts to watch them harm themselves.

One day at a time keeping our focus and boundaries in place.

Hugs to all,
MG

I Wanted My 'A' To Read It But Gor VERY Nasty, As Usual, Told Me We Have NO Future Together And That He's JUST FINE With His Life. Not Caring ONE Bit How It Has Affected Mine. He Has Asked Me Why I'm Going To Naranon Meetings And What Are They. I Told Him It Was ALL In The Reading And He STILL Doesn't want To Read It. It's Up To Me Now To Make A Permanent Change And It's Going To Be FAR Away From Him As He's Brought Me Down WAY TOO MANY Times. Not To Mention, NEVER Being There For Me, EVER!! I Can't Believe I Have Stayed In This Relationship For As Long As I Have And BELIEVED All His 'Broken' Promises. OH WELL, Life Does Go On!! Without Him!! GREAT Reading!!

Well, He Just Read It While Was Up Here! I'm Weak Minded Because He Couldn't Believe ALL THE INAPROPRIATE Adjectives Used...I Told Him It Was Written By A Recovering Addict And He Said WHO CARES YOU WEAK MINDED, PATHETIC PERSON!! I Said To Him, I'm SORRY You Feel That Way. Just Wanted To Let Ya Know He Read The 1st Part, Didn't Want To Read The Whole Thing. Made Him Mad As HELL!!

A brutally honest portrait of Addiction. This is a keeper. Thank You for posting this here. Very Sincere Gratitude for the Clarity you bring~BlueJay

Very true. This is what they used to call "cognitive dissonance." Maybe they still do (I learned that in Psych 101 in college). In other words, people have an internal conflict about [fill in the blank]. That conflict needs to be resolved, one way or the other. Everyone has these conflicts. Addicts and non-addicts alike. It's just the way of dealing with these conflicts that we differ. Of course, there's lots of variation among addists as well. Some truly regret what they do to cope. Others are further "gone" and don't give a &^%$ anymore.

One of the toughest things for me is that you can understand the addiction and the addict, but you can't force them to change or understand it themselves. That seems to be a common theme on this site.

pumuckl,

It is truly tough to know that we can't force the A. to change, but the more that each of us understand the addict & the addiction, the more we are able to Detach With Love. We then have a chance of being more healthy; mentally & physically & spiritually, because we can feel alot less burdened & alot less guilty & a whole lot less responsible to take care of the situation with our loved one. We are more & more able to believe that we didn't cause it, can't control it & can't cure it. When we accept this completely then we can turn it over to a Higher Power & start focusing on our own welfare & happiness again & that gives us back our sanity & our own self-respect. That's how I feel that the knowledge helps me anyway. I can never be good for my A if I'm going down with him. The addict fights the person trying to help them & they can die with them if they don't at least save themselves. It's like when someone is drowning & another person jumps in the water to save them; if the person drowning fights the one trying to save him, they will both drown. It's best to let go & save yourself & then you can hope that they will beat themselves out of the water, but if you don't let go when you realize it, then they are going to take you down with them & then you will both die & that has helped no one at all. Just my 2 cents, for whatever it's worth.

:) Wooooooooooooooonderful

Wow that really got my heart

Thanks

Jewel:) :)

Just read this today...and want to say..while my husband never went back to using, he did stop going to NA and started behaving as though he was using again for several years - we are just starting to realize that I've been living with a dry drunk for 6 years or so and that is what has happened to my marriage. And this post - is exactly what I have been living with. So its not the bottle, the drug, the gambling that becomes the addiction - always - but it is the behaviors of the addict as well. My husband has been clean for 13 1/2 years...but not clean and sober. When he stopped going to NA - in 96 or 97 - all his old behaviors came back - and I've been living with his addiction all that time - and arguing with an addict - to no avail - just like the post says. And it has been driving me insane. That thread speaks volumes. I am going to print it out - and I am going to hang it on my wall - and when he comes home from his NA meeting tonight - he will see it - and I know he will read it - and I hope he sees himself - the one that we've (me and the kids) have been living with - for so long. And he keeps working on his 90 in 90 and himself to never return to those behaviors. Thanks!!

Sigh...
 

I just read this post and it confirms that I am not alone and I am not crazy. I have been living with an A for over a year with our son and I have been going through pure you know what. This post has shown me that he is truly addicted and I can do nothing to stop it. I want to believe all his plans and strategies to get us into a house, married and living happily AFTER he takes care of the finances and gets us 'secure'....that ties into the, "I'm not hurting anyone by this" and the "I'll get clean tomorrow" line. I used to fear leaving with my son because he would feel abandoned and would be all alone and it would be because I gave up too quickly....I beat myself up soo much.

But now I see that it is all part of the addiction. I told him that he may be partly schizophrenic and he actually agreed....but he didn't stop his addiction. Thank you so much for this Bat of Truth..it really knocked some sense into me....:eek:

I was advised to check out this forum regarding my problems and search for answers ........
Boy was I blown away... You truly touched base and allowed me to release that curiosity and answered soooooooooooo many questions. I want him to read this just to see what he thinks... He HAS never been in denial about his problem so it's going to be interesting! " THIS IS WHERE I BELONG"

I just read your thread...it was so scary. My boyfriend is the mirror image of your story. It is so hard to believe that addiction can take over a life like this. I only wish that I could make him see how he is self-destructing, but, I can't and for some reason it is too hard for me to let go. What is even more terrifying is that an addiction can go on forever. He has been addicted to crack/cocaine for six years. And I stay thinking, it will someday end, when perhaps it may not. I can't control his behavior, but, how do we separate ourselves so we don't drown along with them ? I just don't know what to do. It is all just too insane. :confused:

New to this board. Haven't been able to get to the one NarAnon meeting close by. Hope this helps. My husband is my A. Has had a lot of sober time, but relapsed after 6 months 1 months ago. Thanks for being here!

Welcome Serenity

I hope you will start a new thread and tell us a little more about yourself. You may get lost at the bottom of this thread, and I know that there are many others here who can relate and would love to welcome you too.

Hugs
Ann

Morning Glory:

Just read your post and all I can say is "when did you meet my son?

It is a real eye-opener. More than that, it was an education!

Hugs, Devastated

MG
thankyou so much for writing such a long and interesting story on addiction. It explained everything our family is going through with my son. He started blaming us for his A and we felt terrible even though we knew it wasnt true, we have been the best parents we could be. Please tell us what do we do now? I know Addicts have to hit rock bottom, when they are in the worst form of addiction do we just let them go? should we try to contact them, (just to say hello) its hard not knowing whats going on with them when you have'nt heard for months? thankyou so much for your words of wisdom Nebals

I've told my boyfriend/A that I can no longer live with him and me and our son deserves better. I listened to his former pleas to stay and see him change only to be disappointed and blamed for not scarificing or giving enough to make things better. I've sat there and heard him using in the other room as I held me son crying to God to get me out of this situation. This past saturday, I watched him take apart my son's VCR and then begin to crawl around the house looking for 'something' I just broke then. I managed to stay there through the night although I did not sleep. I made up my mind to leave then. I went to church and got confirmation that I needed to release this relationship and situation over to Him. I came back, packed up some stuff and left with my son. He was cursing me out, yelling saying all kinds of stuff as I left but I did not go back. Now he has been calling me all night, emailing me all day and just begging me to give him one last chance to make things right. He calls me cold and unfeeling because I refuse to go back to living with him when I shouldn't have in the first place during his addiction. I refuse to go back to being mental attacked every time he 'sees something' or 'hears something'...I refuse to drown myself in his addiction and bring my baby boy along for the ride. He says that he will just stop using and stay away from everything that deals with it, but how many times have I heard that after I begged, cried and pleaded with him to stop only to be devastated and disappointed. i tried to tell him that we need to get ourselves together apart from living together but he said that I am abandoning him like everyone else and not giving him a chance to prove himself...but I have...against my better judgement over and over again.... I want some peace and stability....he says he can do that if I come back there.....I don't believe it...

I just had to tell someone how I was feeling...thanks for listening...

Hello fellow sufferers,

It’s indeed a relief to see other people sharing the same experiences as we do. The initial article in this threat is such an accurate description of my situation as well. What blows me away most of all is the fact that I didn’t know my husband of 13 years is a crack-cocaine addict. How could I not know it?! All this time I have been thinking he has some kind of mental problem or emotional disorder, but I didn’t know he smoked crack. He has always had a bizarre and troubling behavior (needless to mention as the initial article describes them so well). But I never noticed him high on anything. I did notice the strange diarrheas (spending so much time in the bathroom), the daily headaches, the constant nose blowing. Yet I had no idea crack cocaine was the cause of all of this. And that’s what shocks me the most. Have I detach from him so much I didn’t want to look into his eyes?! and so I missed seeing his dilated pupils? In my heart I have been divorced from him a long time ago. I have been so deeply hurt, I chose not to love him any more and I went to mind my own life, got hooked into computers where I have been spending the last five years of my life. I stopped cleaning my house seven years ago. Quit cooking for him about 8 years ago. Haven’t done his laundry in 11 years. He was just there. Someone I slept with some times and got some house chores help every now and then. I totally disconnected from him because it just hurt too much to connect with him. There has been not much to talk about any way. At least nothing that I’m interested in listening him to say.

I initiated the divorce in the beginning of this year because of his reckless behavior, unexplainable spending, lies, etc., etc., etc. But I didn’t find out until just a month ago that his behavior is because of crack cocaine use. He made the mistake not to pay his dealer, and the guy came after me to tell me all about my husband. That’s how I found out, which made all the sense in the world. Now I finally understand the lies, the deceitfulness, the lack of regard for our finances and well being. He’s not crazy. He’s an addict! How could I not know??!! The dealer also told me about all the prostitutes my husband has been with. And that was a real killer. I tried to keep my cool and not cry as he spilled all the beans on the table for me. But the moment he left I could no longer hold it. Have been crying ever since. God, I hate him!

He sure made my divorce case stronger than ever. I’m seeking full/sole custody of our children and I wish him to be killed by his drugs. I’m full of rage, resentment, sense of unfairness and loneliness. I didn’t expect to marry Mr. wonderful. But I surely didn’t know I had married an addict, and that was not part of my plans and wishes for my kids! I’m so ashamed that I gave my kids an addict as a father. By the way, I don’t buy his love story for his kids. If he truly, truly loved them, he would not do drugs, or would try hard enough to actually stop. A man’s will is stronger than any drugs. I don’t buy this BS love claim and I think it’s nothing but a skirt for him to hide under and a plot to manipulate mom’s heart to make her feel so bad to break the “love bond� between dad-and-child(ren) and consequently he can remain around. Again, if he truly, with all his heart, loved his children, he would choose them/us over the addiction. What he truly loves is his drug. Well, he can have it! We want no part of it.

My heart goes out to all of us here. In the midst of this pain, we can still find some comfort in its sharing. And that makes it more bearable.

Blownaway

I am inches away from leaving my spouse (crack addiction). Until I read the above post, I thought I was the "harpie" and I just did not understand this addict. Until I read the post I was having trouble finding ourselves on the addiction yardstick now I know, we are at the end. The corrosivness and toxicity of this addiction has worn through the fabric of a very strong relationship. My spouse is at the "I'm the victim stage, no one understands me"and until I read the thread he is right, but it does not absolve him of the damage he has done. I justified and listened to him say why I let me daughter get a hold of him when my mother died and I needed him. His excuse is that I did let him know that she was going to die that night, my shame listening to that and condoning it. I justified him "doing "because his step son, my son died and it hurt him, he told me that I did not understand my son the way he did. Again I condoned this toxic behaviour from him. From the post I understand the sickness and behavior more, but also am sickened at myself for allowing this to happen to me a second time and for wanting in my heart of hearts to have the love and bonding that was once there. Alll I see now around the corner is another death, he has just decided that he will give the perverted pleasure of watching him die, like I had to watch my son and my mother die. This is the bitter corrosive part of the last part of an addiction. My shame thinking I coud handle this with enough love and support instead of getting to Nar-Anon right away with this started......This is the power of love and the power of pain....
I wish I had found this site years ago, maybe I would have been able to make quicker decisions, it is hard to say as I lost 3/4 of my family inside 2 years. The hardest part in my life now is that the huge whole in my heart does not get filled with bitterness, because that is not who I am. As a friend once told me "It is hard not bring out the need to beat oneself up, because that fruit can be so delicious". Today my A has been up for 48 hours and will be doing for another 2 days and I feel the need for some reason to bring out that "delicious fruit of beating oneself into the ground" now that I have done it, I will put it back on the shelf for another day not so soon.

I can relate!
 

I am so relieved to find that I am not crazy! I just had a 2 hour discussion with my A. I have been thrown into a very deep and life threatening depression because of the severity of the effect of addiction on a relationship. My A can not understand my feelings of betrayal, mis-trust, or the scars that have been embedded in my heart due to his use. He has been sober for 7 days. He does not understand why I am so hurt. He does do wonderful things for my kids and me BUT it does not change the fact that he was using. The statement the addict does love the drug more than his significant other/family is SO true but so incredibly sad. My A and I have been on a downward spiral for quite some time and on the verge of possible divorce. :cries2:
He believes that since he has made a valiant effort now for 7 days that I should be estatic. He believes that I should forget the past and just be happy. Easier said than done. I wonder how he would feel if he were in my shoes? I pray that he will stay sober. I say the serenity prayer to myself all the time to make it through the day. There are many issues that surround our relationship, addiction being the first. What he doesn't seem to understand though is while it is great that he is making an effort to change he has to sever ties with those who are associated with his use. Unfortunately, one of the main people in that category is his father. Having grown up without his father because the man left him when he was just a wee baby, my A has that "little boy" in him that needs a Dad. I just wish he would have picked a father figure instead of his biological father. His father is an addict and needless to say a pathological liar, a thief, and does not have a job. Enough about him....
What I really wanted to say was thank-you for that informative insight on addiction. It was really what I needed to read. My A has always maintained that he is doing it to himself and it has nothing to do with me. Unfortunately, my dreams have been doused and I don't know how to get them back. I have so much anger and resentment I wonder if we can ever get back what we had. He was my hero at one time and I worshipped him. Now I loathe him!
God bless you all...I plan on spending plenty of time on this sight for the help I need to change ME!
Thanks again Morning Glory

This is one of the most powerful readings I have ever encountered since beginning my 'education' on drug addiction. I gave it to my A to read over the weekend, asked him if he read it and he said, "It's too long." This is the guy that goes through the average book in three days and is an avid reader! It just confirmed my belief that he's not ready to do anything about his addiction. However, I do notice that it is still in his truck. Also, this was really good reading for me, let me know exactly where I fit in his life.