It's Saturday and I've been feeling good for a few days. For some reason that sounds like pending disaster. It's the same old story. I feel good today and strong enough to pass on a beer tonight then by Monday or Tuesday I'll feel like I've got it whipped and can justify a glass of wine or something. I think I set myself up for this pattern and it makes me crazy. I feel guilty trying to get help when I know I still allow myself to drink on the weekends. It sounds hypocritical.

I should just give it up and stop the fighting. But like I said before, if I choose to have a drink I don't want it to be this big 'ol blown out of proportion RELAPSE, and I think I'll feel that way. I think that's why I don't want to quit, or say I'm trying to quit or go to AA. Now I'm just rambling. You must think I'm crazy. It sounds so simplistic to just quit drinking and start spending time thinking about something else.

The *normal* drinker, one who doesnt have a second thought about whether to drink or not, doesnt go through the turmoil you sound llike you are in.

If you finally come to the conclusion that you are not a normal drinker, you might find the relief you seek.

Surrender is the solution, thats when we experience freedom, is when we're done fighting and controlling something beyond our control.

Hi Winelover,

Glad your still here, please keep sharing, lots of us are in similar situations!

Have a good weekend!

S

**{winelover}}

Big hugs for you... I've been where you are now. All I can say is keep searching for your answers and keep questioning your body's reaction to alcohol when you consume it.

And... keep posting and keep trying!

Just don't give up on you ever ever ever.

Suga

I definitely do not think you're crazy -- I have been there so many times!

I wish you the best, sending you prayers -- you will get there when you get there. I don't know what else to say...

It's almost like we have to go through that insanity, where we can't drink, but we can't not drink. We feel good, we drink, then we feel bad about drinking.... To me, I look back on those sentences and see the common word -- DRINK. My common sense tells me if I remove the drink, I'm on the right track to sanity. But it can't stop there -- I'll say it again, there is way more to quitting drinking than just quitting drinking.

Not drinking takes care of my PHYSICAL sobriety... But because I believe I am mental, spiritual and physical, I've got to do something about my mental and spiritual sobriety -- that's where AA and God come in for me.... If I lose my mental and spiritual sobriety, at some point I know I'll lose my physical sobriety as well. OK winelover, now I'M rambling!!!!

I just wish you the best and please KNOW I am thinking of you!!!

Ken

keep posting
once you gey it
then
you will be able to help others


best
fraankie

a long road
 

Winelover,

When I read your posts I can certainly identify with your struggle. It is scary to think about living with drinking and living without drinking. I think I started questioning my drinking habits about 4 years ago. I did not know if I was an alcoholic or just someone who would go off the deep end from time to time. Out of curiosity, I went to a speaker AA meeting. I looked around and thought to myself, wow, I am far too young and nothing like any of these people surrounding me. I left feeling like I was not an alcoholic, just someone who needed to practice a little more self control. At the time, I worked as a waitress in a bar so my entire life was surrounded by drinking. We used to joke that we were not alcoholics because we did not attend meetings. I spent the next year partying like crazy, but waking up each morning with an extreme amount of guilt. Sometimes I would wake up and vow not to drink until the next weekend. Some weeks it worked and others it did not. Sometimes I would try to control it to 3 drinks a night. I was able to do that, but was always thinking about how much better it would be to have more..that I did not feel quite drunk enough to forget about that next drink. I tried the beer diet, the hard alcohol diet, the wine diet. My parents actually own vineyards so the wine was always easy and free. After that year had come and gone, I found out I was pregnant and was forced into a life of sobriety. Now, that sucked. I HATED being pregnant and I tried to rationalize it as morning sickness and pregnancy related depression. I remember asking my husband to get drunk for me because I missed it and wanted to live vicariously though him. I made it through the whole pregnancy and 3 weeks after I delivered I was back to drinking on the weekends. It slowly progressed to full on drinking....and to make a long story short...I have finally realized, I was wrong all along. I am an alcoholic. I can't control myself around alcohol. I do understand how you feel and I cannot predict where you are headed, but I can tell you that I am here for you and am willing to talk at anytime. If you could learn from some of my mistakes then it is all worth it.
*hugs*

Hi Kindness...Welcome to SR!..:)

Thanks for sharing part of your story Kindness. So where are you in recovery? Have you started yet or are you comfortably sober?

Ken, Thanks for your continued support and your gentle butt kicking as I continue to flouder. I certainly hope one of these days soon, I'll feel so good and wonder why I didn't just stop drinking sooner. Right now I guess I'm holding out hope that I can reverse all the damage and go back to who I once was. But wait, maybe that's not who I want to be either. Maybe I just haven't found the person I want to be. Now I'M rambling.

Hi Kindness

Thank you for your story here. And, welcome to SR!!! glad you're here..

Hi Winelover,
Many of us never truly enjoy drinking after the nagging doubt has been planted that there is a problem. From then on it can be a constant struggle between the mind and the body. The obsession of how much and when to drink followed by the self recrimination was enough to make me more crazy.

I used to torture myself after drinking, "How can you do that", "You knew this would happen" etc etc etc
I like you, would sometimes wait until I was feeling really great,
and everyone including myself trusted me again, then WHAM!

Then going through the phase, "I dont care about the problems it causes' or what other people think' I like to drink so I am going to drink, this is who I am".:bs2: The problem with that line of thinking for me was I didnt like being being a lush. I wouldnt tolerate my behavior from anyone else for a minute!!!!
Double standard big time.

Then the "I am never drinking again" phases, yes multiple over many years. The crushing sense of defeat when I did drink was enough to drive me back to the BS I dont care I will drink anyway phase.

For me I have never had any serious sober time unless the obsession to drink was removed. This happens for some with the fellowship and program of AA, somef ind it in Smart, some with counseling, some in church, some in a DR. office through Campral or Antidepressants, some through a mixture of some or all of the above.

Quitting may sound simplistic but in my experience (with more slips than I can count) it is not. Try everything you can think of and for sure I hope you keep posting and keep fighting until you get to where you want to be :angel2:

This is my worst fear. I fear that dreaded word "relapse". I don't want to get so depressed if I choose to have a drink. Why is that fear crippling me?

I've spent a zillion hours on SR today and I'm so grateful to each and every person I've "talked to". You are helping me more than you can imagine. I had a pretty good day today and I'm determined to lift this cloud of despair. I feel so hopeless and empty sometimes.
I'll see you all again tomorrow.

I have been actively "quiting" for about 3 months now. The last time I quit was a week ago today. I went to my first AA meeting yesterday evening and met some wonderful people. It was nothing like the speaker meeting I went to 4 years ago. This one was a round table discussion and when I told my story I cried like a baby. They were so supportive and told me the whole reason they are where they are is to help people like me. It was like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders to hear that I do have a chance. I have never been arrested, never had a DUI, never been raped or really had anything terrible happen to me, yet. But, thats the thing, yet is the word I emphasize. If i continue to go down the road I am heading, then I will most likely end up dead, in jail, or homeless. I just recently realized that I have a serious problem because I hide my drinking and try to get my husband out of the house so I can chug a drink or 3. Also, my body just didn't feel right and I came to the conclusion that I no longer have control of my drinking. I believe once I lost control of my drinking, it could never be recovered. At the end of my battle, I was drinking about a pint of vodka 6 out of 7 days a week. So here I am. I plan on going to my next meeting tonight. About 3 months ago I was in your shoes..so I can completly relate. Like I said before, I cannot say if you will follow my path, but I did want to explain my path so that you see one alcoholic's mistakes.

I was 19 when I realised that my drinking behaviour was certainly not "normal". I did try to moderate through the years, particularly in the last few years when I totally quit at 35. Moderation was hard, it took a LOT of will power that I really didn't have over alcohol. I learnt more about my drinking in those last few years than I did the rest of the time though. I guess denial of my ability to stop drinking once I started was still there when I was trying to moderate. As soon as I started drinking my body tended to take over from my brain and I lost control of the outcome. Outcomes always got worse for me until I just gave up the whole lie and decided to face it. I can not drink alcohol.

It was a process for me. I look back at that stage of quitting and know now how difficult and draining it was on myself. Now I feel free of alcohol's control and that is lightweight and I am not worrying about it anymore.

Winelover, I have not been here for a while, I am pleased to see you here getting your head together over all of this. It is a process, it takes time, good on you for posting. You are not a whiner, you are looking to help yourself, that is great!

lots of love,
Brigid :)

Winelover...

I read a lot into your messages about your fear of "relapse." I get that you fear labeling yourself as an alcoholic and then if you want to take a drink you are doing the dreaded "relapse." STOP worrying about the labels!

If you want to quit or, if you want to call it something else, like "go on the wagon," do that. Do that for as long as you want to do that and if you *do* drink, you don't have to label yourself as "relapsing." I get the feeling from your messages that you're really into "how do I define myself?" Maybe you don't need to, at all.

Maybe, at the end of the day, you just need to realize that you do not handle alcohol well and you need to stop. And if you stop, and then have a drink at some point, while you may be disappointed in yourself or whatever, it doesn't mean that you've "relapsed," and all that that implies.

All of the words, like "alcoholic" and "relapse," can spin someone into a frenzy. Why don't you focus more on what kind of drinking works for you? If you quit, then quit... no biggy... and then if you have a drink, it's not a "relapse," it's having a drink. You seem very afraid of committing to long-term abstinence, and that's okay, as long as you're doing what you want and what you think is healthy for you. Don't get yourself all caught up in the AA idea of either you're sober or you're not. You don't have to "relapse."

Best to you,

Kathy

I wanted to say something similar to what Kathy said, but was having trouble expressing it. Thanks Kathy! Also, look at my join date. And I started trying to quit years before joining SR. I now have 5 days sober. I've also had periods of time where I moderated fairly well, although it was not my ultimate goal. You're paying attention to and working on yourself, and that is what is important. Try different stuff out, and see what works for you. That is how we learn. Unhooked.com has some good ideas that many different individuals and groups have submitted over the years. I, also, think you are on the right track. Keep your head up, and I'll try to do the same. :)

Paul

For myself, it comes down to how difficult it is to do and how bad I count on having those 2 drinks. Also, while I was "moderating" those drinks, I was smoking pot several times a day. I'm pretty sure if I took the pot away, my drinking would have escalated. Also, the changes in me with just a couple of drinks could sometimes be pretty dramatic. I think if you pay attention, your body will give you the answer.

It's pretty sad that as an adult I need to hear someone tell me this. Thanks Kathy. I know I've heard this before, but I have a "thinking problem", and it really gets carried away sometimes.
Brigid, I also sometimes feel some pangs of desire for more when I have a drink. It's tough not to deny those feeling since I wish they weren't there, but the truth is they happen sometimes.
Paul, I'm just starting my 5th day (but I don't want to count, it only sets me up for failure). I'll root for you, if you root for me (I'll root for you anyway). And, hey, I checked out that website - thanks.

Congrats on 5 days Winelover and 4 for you DK. I really hooked onto the thought that "my mind is stronger than my body" and that I can "cancel the compulsion". Helps me when when urges come, helps me to cancel them and ignore them. I think of my mind as the parent and the body as the child that doesn't know what is good for it.

Stay strong,
love
Brigid :)

Oh God, I'm really worried about tonight. I was feeling really strong and happy about not having a beer with my hubby tonight and all of a sudden I can't help but argue with myself. I can't stand this. It's making me crazy. I don't know if it would be better to be a stinking drunk that has to be thrown into detox. At least there's an obvious solution. This craziness seems worse.
I really don't want to drink. I told myself I didn't want so I don't want to change my mind. It's funny to get your message Brigid. My body is SUCH a toddler. Terrible Two's to the max!!