My Wife Is Threatening to Leave - What Do I Tell Her?
 

A week ago my wife sat down at dinner and gave me an ultimatum - either I stop drinking altogether or she's going to leave.
First, let me say that she is completely off base. I admit that I am an alcoholic and she's keeps trying to get me to go to AA meetings, but I told her the first (and last) one I went to was filled with a bunch of holier-than-thou people who said I wasn't ready. Well, if I'm sitting at the meeting, what does that say? Bunch of a-holes. There was this one in particular who told me I wasn't ready and he told his story about how he couldn't hold down a job while on the booze. Well, I get trashed almost every night and still get up to go to work at a construction site. I almost dented the guy's cheek, the loser.

Anyway, so my wife tosses this ultimatum at me. First, I have cut back on my drinking. I haven't touched the hard stuff for over 3 weeks...only beer. And she doesn't realize that I have a disease - alcoholism. I showed her on the internet here that its a disease and she says she can't take my puking and pissing on the rug and passing out in the car and whatnot. Well, I'm trying! I haven't had Wild Turkey in 3 weeks, let alone scotch and soda, which is my favorite. I am just drinking beer. I still support her and pay the bills. She's a fat loaf who can't get a job because she says there's no jobs out there in her field. Then she'll start to whine about my drinking and how I don't help out around the house and leave messes (puke, urine) for her to clean up and how I've been banging our cars coming home. I have to listen to all that and it drives me so crazy that I end up at Barton's or the Strip Club and get blitzed just trying to erase her voice from my head. Don't get me wrong - I love my wife, but she just doesn't get it. She cut off sex with me because she says that she finds me repulsive when I'm coming at her all blitzed. So when I head out to the Stripper Club I will get it on in the back with one of the dancers. I know it's cheating, but what choice does she leave me??

So how do I tell her that I'm cutting back and trying the best I can? I've told her in those specific words, but she won't listen. Has anyone else run into this kind of trouble? I don't want to lose my marriage, but she can't see that she's playing a big part of it. I've asked my friends, Kenny from Bartons and some of the ladies at Rah Rah's and they all agree.

Thanks for the help.

Donny

Beer is alcohol. You're still drinking. How about NO beer? Lots of alcoholics keep their jobs, only drink beer and have the same problems with their wives/husbands as those who drink only Wild Turkey. My husband would have still left me if I had cut back to only beer.. I chose him over the beer and I've never ever regretted it.
Maybe try another kind of support group if you don't like AA?

Are you serious??

So it's your wife's fault that you're having sex with strippers? And it's your wife's fault that telling you the problems your drinking is causing makes you drink more? You need to take responsibility for your actions.

I'm an alcoholic and my husband would have left me too if I'd just cut back to beer. I think you are not accepting responsibility in your drinking. Yes, it's a disease, but that is not an excuse. That tells us it's not a character defect, it's a disease, but we still have to do the work involved in stopping.

Anna

Hey what is every one agreeing with that your wife has a problem or you do? If you don't want to loose your marriage I highly advise you to stop going to strip joints and hanky pankying in the back with some stripper.

Maybe if you would stop coming in drunk your wife would feel like making love ya know? Geezee man do you have any idea what it is like to smell someone who has been drinking all night when you are sober? it is very yucky believe me. Go smell the tittie bar some morning when they open up and see how you smell when you come in at night from one of those places. When vomiting and urinating on the floor stop being your form of foreplay maybe you can see how much your wife really cares about you. She has been putting up with yo $hit for a while I suppose. And stop blaming her and using it as an excuse to drink...grow up....

Hold the horses...
Hi again Donny.

So your wife is bitching 'cuz she's got to clean up your **** and puke?
Damn eh... What's wrong with this world...

I don't know Donny. Might be a case of not seeing the forest for the trees.
Are you happy in your marriage? Do you look forward to coming home at night and see your family? Never mind the fact that you manage to get up in the morning. That's no benchmark. The morning always comes when you don't.
Then what?

Ask yourself one question, one alcoholic to another, nothing else okay Donny?
Has your life improved since the last time you posted in the forum here?
All I see is your words on the screen here. You're still blaming, it seems, anyone but yourself. Here's the news bro. There needs to be no blame. Yeah, I kid you not. You're not responsible for the fact that you may be an alcoholic.
But you're responsible to do something about it. Big time.

As for the holier than thou dudes, well, you know...
They've seen men like you and me come and go... every night, some of 'em.
That's why they smile and say 'Keep coming back'.

You too Donny.
You too.

I don't know what your bottom will be...but that sounds like it might be hers.

I couldn't decide whether this post was a joke--a sick joke--or an example of the disease at it's ugliness. She's a fat loaf--but, you're a long suffering prize who screws sick women working in strip bars--dear God if she hasn't gotten aids yet it's a miracle. My first thought is to really unload on you, but I am reminding myself that you are a very very sick alcoholic. When you get serious about trying to do something about your problem I suggest you go back to an AA meeting and listen with an open mind and some willingness to try whatever MIGHT help--in the meantime--we'll leave the light on for you. God Speed and Blessed Be

.

There's always the chance...
Donny, for what it's worth to you, you can sober up. Or you don't.

Sorry Donny,

My dog doesn't even **** and vomit on the carpet. He doesn't try to screw me when he's **** drunk either LOL. Seriously, you sound like you need some help. It doesn't matter whether you have 12 beers or 12 shots, the only difference is that you can down the shots faster, but the alcohol content is the same. There are other groups besides AA, that are a little lighter on the dogma and the platitudes. They will still, however, tell you that you have to quit all the way to get better, and that doing so starts with you. Here's a couple of links:

www.unhooked.com

www.smartrecovery.org

Doorknob

Although I don't agree, thanks for the advice, everyone.

I do love my wife, but she can't see it that she is the one who drives me to get loaded. Everyone has a few now and again, and I used to be the same way. But my wife drove me to this - and I know it. If alcoholism is a disease as they say, then she gave it to me. Well, ok that's not fair. She led me to catching it.
ALl I know is that I wasn't sitting at my stool in Barton's without her nagging and complaining and bitching and moaning and all of it. And I didn't end up in the back room at Rah Rah's all those times because she was fulfilling her duty as a wife.

Anyway, someone mentioned an option to AA? What else can I look into? Again, thanks for the help.

Hey Tyler - yeah, man, I am for real. And if you were in front of me, I'd show you how real I am. Got it?

Yeah, we love you. No sh!t,
Alternatives you ask?

How about seeing a counselor, just one on one?

I appoligize Donny, that was inappropriate of me. I should not have said that, in fact I'm going to remove the comment. I do hope you get the help you need.

It is NOT your wife's fault that you're a drunk... She's a smart woman and she doesn't want to live with a drunk anymore Donny... those are the facts.

Not everyone "throws back a few", goes to *****s and pukes and pisses on the floor. Wake up to the fact you're a lousy drunk who somehow got a smart woman!

In case you missed them here are the links to other support programs:

http://www.unhooked.com/
http://www.smartrecovery.org/

When your wife leaves...is gone, no one to nag at you, will you stay sober or still get drunk? Who will you blame then? Time to own up Donny, you have no one to blame but yourself whether you want to admit it or not. Oh...and when she is gone, you'll get to clean up your own puke and ****. Just something to look forward to.

Donny--I really don't know what to say except that from what you have posted, you really aren't ready to get sober. Until you can own up to the fact that no one but YOU have been pouring the booze down your throat and that no one but YOU can stop it, you will stay a pissing, puking, wife-repulsing drunk. I hope you can find some humility and willingness to get well, or your wife won't have a husband to bitch and moan at for much longer. I only say these things because I have been where you are before. For a long time it was everyone else's fault that I had such problems. Thing is, I never realized how freeing it could be to wizen-up and get honest. I hope it can happen for you.

Hi again, Donny,
You sound like a very good candidate for Rational Recovery. Check out Jack Trimpey's web site at http://rational.org/
Click on Recover Now.
Give it a try. I'm guessing the direct approach there might appeal to you.
Don S

My Wife Is Threatening to Leave - What Do I Tell Her?

As you are unwilling to get sober...Goodbye seems to fit. :rolleyes:

Donny:

Q: "My Wife Is Threatening to Leave - What Do I Tell Her?"
A: "Goodbye."

Then, if you ever get to see her again -- "I'm sorry."

You'll either stop drinking, or you won't. But the choice is yours. The consequences are not.

Hope you find the help you need.

Ken

If, as you claim, she is the one who drives you to drink, then surely her leaving is a good thing for you? If she isn't around, then you won't need to drink. And she can have a chance of finding someone who shows that they love her. Everyone will be happy then, right?

Just wondering why you are so unable to take responsibility for your actions? Your correct, many do "throw back a few" but don't lose their marrage, disgust their partner, sleep with strippers, and puke and urinate on the floor. Thats the difference between a normal drinker and a alcoholic. You cannot be happy with this outlook. Stop blaming your wife, shes just "fed up". Really put yourself in her shoes, would you put up with the above described behavior from her? Good luck to you, I hope you receive the help you need.

Geez, I hardly even know what to say here. Your post is outrageous in so many ways. You need help, pronto. NO ONE is responsible for your actions but YOU. No one. That whole 'blaming the wife' schtick is incredibly pathetic. I would like to say more, but that's probably not fair; you came here - theoretically - for help. You can only get help if you are willing to take it. If AA doesn't fit, try the other programs people have mentioned - I think SMART in particular is good, but Don may be right in recommending Rational Recovery.

I hope you do get help.

--anne

Hey minnie!
I really like that. If, in fact -- it is absolutely true that Donny's wife is the CAUSE of his drinking, if she leaves then he'll be cured! Hmmmm.... something to think about.

I think the truth, though, is that won't be the case. First the wife, then the house, then everything else. Seen it happen... I have a brother who is still "out there," and sounds just like Donny. Big, strapping Ironworker in NY. Always at work in the morning, but drunk every day. Hopefully he will find the help he needs. No more wife (wives), kids, house, nothing. But he has his Budweiser....

"Those who do not recover
are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves
to this simple program, usually men and women
who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with
themselves. There are such unfortunates."

Ken

Ken, hon, my tongue was firmly in my cheek when I posted that.

I too hope he finds the help he needs. And that his wife does too.

She's at her bottom Donny. When your at yours you'll have more clarity and willingness to see things in a different light. It's good you've cut back, it's good your trying, but trying won't cut it. It's an all or nothing deal with us alkies. No in between. When your ready you'll understand. Let her go, because your not ready.

Donny, if you choose to live your life making out with strippers, getting smashed every night, maybe you should leave your wife and do her a favor...If you really loved her, why would you cheat? I really think you are making a lot of excuses so you can keep living your "out of control life"..You don't seem like you really care much about your marriage..You should be single that way the only person you hurt is yourself..You have no respect at all for your wife..

Minnie:
Understood, tongue in cheek as well... just a little alkie humor :wink3:

"If you had my wife, you'd drink too..." How many of us have said this? "If you had my problems, you'd drink too" " I'm so pissed, I need a drink," "I'm so happy, I need a drink,...."

Bottom line for this alcoholic is that I had to drink. Period. It came disguised as many things -- just a habit, just beer, just how I am, whatever. In the end, I'm an alcoholic and I CANNOT DRINK ALCOHOL SAFELY. I can't cut down, I can't switch brands or types, I just cannot drink.

In order to not drink, I have to make changes in my life. One was to go to AA, so that I could learn to live on a spiritual basis. I didn't care if they were "holier than thou" or kooky or whatever -- they had what I wanted -- SOBRIETY. If I was willing to go to any lengths, I could take certain steps to get what they had. And it is working today...

I was half making a joke and half dead serious, and as so many others have posted here, it's not the wife, Donny -- it's you. I cannot change other people, places, things or situations. I can ONLY change me. First step is to stop drinking. Things will get better if you don't drink. Forget about the fact that you're a drinking alcoholic, you're just using that as an excuse to drink more it seems.... been there and done that one myself... If in fact you KNOW that you are alcoholic, that in itself will not change any of your actions. You must want to change, and want a different result (sobriety) in order to be sober. Just going to an AA meeting won't magically change you into a sober person. First, you must want to be sober more than you want to drink or be drunk. Second, you must do the work to get there....

Keep us posted, and PLEASE get some help.

Ken

Donny, you say that you love your wife, but in order to love someone else, you have to learn to love yourself first. If you actually think about loving yourself, do you think that you can love yourself if you are puking and pissing all over the rug, getting it on with strippers, and blaming others for your lack of respect? I would suggest to you that you take a step back and look at yourself first before you look at your wifes defects. You may find that there's a lot more you need to work with before you try to fix your wife. Good luck to you and keep coming back.