Yep. Many times I've been in a pub, having a drink and have a bag of some booze that I go to the stall to drink from (to save money) ...
ive drunk small bottles of vodka before going into clubs..almost puking as I chug it to get up before going in...sometimes I was so tanked they didn't even let me in.

I used to get the last bus home and fall asleep and wake up miles from home. I'd sleep under a tree, or something...one time a mcdonald's toilet.

I've gone out for a cheeky beer at lunchtime and come back a little too drunk.

I used to go on dates and be nervous so I'd pack a few miniatures that I would choke down in the stall between drinks to liven up.

I thought people didn't notice...but they must have done.

I used to steal drinks in bars all the time...'oh, a beer sitting on the table...I'll have that!'.

Countless times I've been in the pub...and then I wake up in my bed.

Yes, Sassy. Yes. So many bathroom stalls. So many bottles stashed in my purse. So many events, activities, and errands spent feeling fuzzy and looking for a restroom.

Now that I'm sober, I don't even carry a purse. Why bother? My phone, credit card, and key fit in my pocket, and there's no need for a bottle of anything. Every time I leave the house, I'm struck by how light and free I feel, without having to carry the 5000-pound weight of a stashed water bottle filled with vodka.
Thanks for the reminder, Sassy.

Thank you.

I mean....I went low, but honestly I was low for about 5-8 years. I drank in the bathroom, hid alcohol, and drank before going anywhere but work for a very long time.

I played games with the addiction (forcing a hard stop every 72 hours with shaking and withdrawal because I knew 72 hours is how long it takes for the liver to clear, switching from whiskey to beer for a long time until I couldn’t stand it and had to have whiskey again, changing diets, changing exercise, only drinking at 5’oclock (and never stopping at cocktail hour of course), using Antabuse then waiting 10 days for it to clear, drinking, then taking Antabuse the next day, changing work schedules, changing jobs, deciding to have children (I think I partly chose to have 3 kids because the only time I got any relief from drinking and the addiction was pregnancy), overhydrating during a drinking episode....)

it was a lot of years of games. I was on a real losing streak at the end, none of my old or new strategies worked any more, it always won, and it got darker, and darker.

but at the end the light of day was thrown onto it somehow, it’s lies lost power, the illusions were gone, and I know today as much as I knew the day I quit that I was done screwing around with alcohol, it was over. I knew none of the good times would come back, and it would be only addiction, the the circular wheel, the sickness, the regret and the fear. I still see it that way today. I’ve thought some dangerous thoughts in the last three years, I’ve done some rationalization and some romanticizing, but ultimately that last drunk I had and those last five years of my alcoholism are my most prominent memory now, so the thoughts lead to that and so far, I haven’t picked up. Just because you have a thought, doesn’t mean an action must follow.

Yes, THIS exactly what you just said Sassy! Always trying to outmaneuver my alcoholism. I am organizing my home now and finding remnants of those 'games' hidden throughout the house. I've only been sober for two weeks and I'm actually curious to know how much more is hiding. It's like cleaning up after some stranger has been living in your home.

Great post SS and thank you for reminding me of the insanity of this disease. So many times we have to have these hidden places to "get tight" in order for our lives to be complete. In all reality we were surcomming to the disease. It's sickening. I hope none of us ever have to go back there. Never.
Thanks again.

Excellent post Sassy! I too remember drinking shots of mini vodka bottles in the bathroom stall I smuggled in my cute Coach purse at the ballet. Passing out during the performance that I spent hundreds of dollars to see. How much time I spent trying to dress so elegantly to end up a drooling drunk stumbling home in my heels. I always regret that night and now I can’t even imagine going back to the ballet. Too much shame wrapped up in it.

Every time I think of having a drink again, I remember that night at the ballet. Amongst many other nights of horror.

NewHope,

Just a thought, but I wonder if you should go back to the ballet, when we have ballet again that is.

We need to form new memories. They cannot, and indeed should not, replace our past memories, but our new sober selves should see the ballet too.

We got this.

X

Hiding drinks everywhere. I could write a book on this.

I cringe when I think back on my drinking days.
There are a lot of things that I just don't dwell on any more.
One day at a time - I live for today and the future.
I know what brought me here though.

As Meatball would say; you took the words right out of my mouth.

I cringe thinking how lucky I've been in my drinking days of not killing someone or myself.

I drank in bathroom stalls, too. I remember some outdoor gas station stalls smelling like a sewer. I was really grossed out & practically gagging, but of course I still managed to drink a few shots of whiskey before leaving.

I remember being on a binges and having to catch a flight early the next morning for work. I would always end up in the airport bathroom chugging down the bottle of vodka before I had to go through security. Then Id hang in the bar til final boarding and then try to drink on the plane and then get to my motel and drink until I passed out and then go to work hung over really bad. I always remind myself of those days and how I no longer have to live my life like that and for that I am deeply grateful.

I would also love to be a normal drinker but I can't . Thanks for the post Stayingsassy , and everyone else for reminding me of all the bad.

Wow. I can relate to all of this. What a tortured existence it was when I was doing these things. Just torture. I am having a particularly rough day today with PAWS and reading this thread and remembering how sick I was is a good reminder of how far I have come, which is very helpful while being in a rough wave of PAWS symptoms right now. Thank you to everyone for sharing. I needed the reminder to be thankful for what I have accomplished so far in this journey.

You know the little "click" when you open a little booze bottle?
I would cough in the bathroom cubicle to try disguise that noise.
Laughable, really.

I never drank in a bathroom stall, but I can certainly relate to the creative ways we alcoholics found to get alcohol into our system. I'm glad I'm done with that, it was a lot of work.

Wow, what a great thread, and now four years for you, Sassy!

I forgot that I drank in bathroom stalls. I was so ashamed I suppressed the memory. Only in the past year and a half. Never had done that before.

I don’t think there’s normal drinkers anymore that there are normal heroin users. I think all who use are on some type of continuum before they either wake up or die a horrible death, physically and spiritually.

Thanks so much for this post, and reading all the additional posts have been very educational.

thanks

Great post, and very good ammunition for a loud AV that tries to convince you “it wasn’t THAT bad.”

This sounds familiar, ridiculous isn’t it!? I would run the kitchen water tap at full blast when cracking open beers in the morning. My husband told me not to bother, they can all hear it anyways. I still kept doing it.