Can you go to detox and get through it under medical supervision, Arthox?
It's a better strategy than going it alone because you'll be in a safe place through the worst of it and forgive my language, but **** alcohol withdrawal. I mean that with every ounce of my being.

I am a recovering hardcore alcoholic and I've lived through a lot of your hell and have been fortunate enough to see the other side.
And believe me, it still makes me cry thinking about it.

God what is wrong with me. I appreciate everyone's support. I wish someone would actually pick me up in a truck and take me to the hospital themselves. I really want to check myself into inpatient rehab, but I don't have any money.

At least since I made this post, I have finally found a passion, though it's super dangerous and kinda expensive - that's right up my alley. Working on building up my body strength and staying hydrated for rock climbing. My body's basically built for it and I love the risk and the pain of bleeding fingers for whatever reason. I've been taking St. John's Wort when I feel low and been more active. I feel like I achieved acute cabin fever on top of extreme alcoholic tendencies and the past week has been a reflection of that.

I find the more people I'm around, the harder it is to slam a beer, so I'm working on going to AA meetings even if I'm feeling insecure or I think I look like **** because I haven't showered and my hair is weird. Idk why that's such a thing for me. I also feel like toxic people rub off on me or we develop some sort of magnetic behavior. What's up with that?

I've been reading and listening to a lot of Jordan Peterson and I'm feeling better, but my anxiety is out of control. I think rehab is the only way. This cell phone might be my biggest problem. It's always somebody (very politely) asking or wanting something, and it constantly dings, and the type of person I am, I always feel guilt or shame if I don't answer it. It reminds me how I felt about growing up as a Christian and feeling extreme guilt during puberty. Just lost and confused, shooting a gun in the air. Showing up at a gun range, blind, with no target. I know I need to be going to AA all day, every day, but I feel so disheveled and dumb to figure out anything else that would help and I'm very alone on this journey. I have loads of friends, but none I TRULY trust with sensitive information I feel like I need to say, and I don't trust counselors because it's their job, and lawyers are involved and that the defeats the purpose of the journey when you're afraid to be forthcoming. I so badly need someone I feel like I can trust, or someone to kick my ass. I've never had that. I feel like I've only recently woken up from a long dream. I guess you call that maturity....I'm not sure in my instance. I'm very much willing to go to AA, but it makes me want to drink so badly afterwards.... And YouTube ads. Can you disable YouTube ads for alcohol? That one is driving me insane. It's like watching people smoke cigarettes in a movie but you want to watch the movie even though you have this overwhelming craving to go outside and smoke a cigarette. Thank god that is no longer a thing. I don't know. I'm just trying to be real and appreciate having a room to live in, and trying to figure out what to do in the daytime so that it's only meant for sleeping in, ya know? I feel like I understand all the steps I need to take except for finding the help I need without any money, but I guess if I talk to people at AA, they would be able to answer those questions. Maybe just back and forth to meetings all day, every day. I can do that in this town if I wrote down the schedule. I'm just anxious about being a clam. I'm not going to be able to make any eye contact or speak a ******* single syllable for the first month. I just feel like I have so much on my mind, but the only way to access it is with this key called alcohol and it's maddening. I sort of feel like I'm ranting at this point, but that's where I'm at right now.

Again, thanks everyone for always being so cool on this site. It's really meant a lot to me in my life, through all these struggles, even if I don't come off that way a lot of the time.

The Salvation Army has a free rehab. At least that's what I've read on this site many times...

Why not call them?

Please do this, Arthox- you've still got a phone or somehow access to SR - it will be much easier to type and think if you get the alcohol out of your body. There is hope while you are still here with us - please find help. I've been there and it is terrifying- but you can do it.

Yea you might want to put the mountaineering on the back burner for a while and focus on getting sober!

Wishing you the best!

Is there just one person you can ask to help you? Just to drive you to hospital and ask for a detox so at least you have the clarity to shower and go to a meeting? I know what it's like not to trust anyone and also feel you are the one that helps others (I also had a Christian upbringing).
I avoided everyone for so long and chose one person, knocked on her door and just said can you help me? She did, and she was a snooty neighbour who I didn't particularly like that much but for some reason I chose her.
I carried on drinking after that detox but because I went to her she alerted my family and it ended up saving my life. Are you sure there isn't somebody you can reach to, just for emergency help I don't mean this person has to take responsibility for you, just take you somewhere as soon as possible?