It's getting really bad
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 91
It's getting really bad
I woke up in a friend's driveway somewhere around 1pm and he said I need to move my car. So I drove to a parking garage and fell asleep because I can't take being awake. I woke up at 6pm barely breathing. This pain is ridiculous. I'm having difficulty eating and just staying awake. My eyes are constantly shaking in my skull with my dehydrated eyes gluing my contacts in place. My socks are crusted to my feet. I can feel my rotting teeth screaming at me. I'm wearing a beanie even when it's hot because I guess I'm too depressed to take a shower. I have a room rented but I'm not even staying there. I'd rather sleep in my car or alone in the woods. I have no idea why I'm choosing to be alone and isolate myself. Completely ignoring everyone. My entire body has devolved into pain. I don't know where to go from here. I feel like I've passed the point of no return 25ish times, but I don't know if I can come back from where I am now.
I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I feel like I'm watching someone else, who I don't like, living my life.
I don't feel capable of taking care of myself anymore. I don't feel deserving of love. I'm a leech. It's all I've ever been.
I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I feel like I'm watching someone else, who I don't like, living my life.
I don't feel capable of taking care of myself anymore. I don't feel deserving of love. I'm a leech. It's all I've ever been.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I don't remember what your stance is with meeting based groups but sounds like anything is worth a try at this point Arthox?
There's many different approaches and methods of recovery around - here's some links to some of the main players, including but not limited to AA:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
No ones going to turn you away for being sleepless, unwashed or slightly buzzed.
D
There's many different approaches and methods of recovery around - here's some links to some of the main players, including but not limited to AA:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
No ones going to turn you away for being sleepless, unwashed or slightly buzzed.
D
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: fort worth tx
Posts: 1,373
Hang in there buddy and seek help. The booze is trying to kill you. It will if you don't stop drinking. But of course you already know this. What are you waiting for and why are you afraid of sobriety? If I were in your socks I would be depressed too. It's time to quit and get your life back. It's actually a relief to quit drinking. Sobriety is better and you have to have faith in that. Go get help. Reach out to us here. We've been where you are now. It's better to not drink. Trust that.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 675
I'm sorry you're suffering. I was also severely isolating myself at the end, putting myself in some pretty irrational and unsafe situations. A crisis unlike anything I'd already been through was looming on the horizon and the only way to avert it was to stop drinking.
You are capable of taking care of yourself, just not when your every thought and action is being controlled by your addiction. You are deserving of love, but your addiction needs you to believe otherwise in order to keep leeching off of you. You can change things now or you can wait for it to get even worse.. Finding in person help is the best way to break the isolation. Aside from that it doesn't really matter which "method" you use, just that you find one that works.
You are capable of taking care of yourself, just not when your every thought and action is being controlled by your addiction. You are deserving of love, but your addiction needs you to believe otherwise in order to keep leeching off of you. You can change things now or you can wait for it to get even worse.. Finding in person help is the best way to break the isolation. Aside from that it doesn't really matter which "method" you use, just that you find one that works.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Arthox 
I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I feel like I'm watching someone else, who I don't like, living my life.
I don't feel capable of taking care of myself anymore. I don't feel deserving of love. I'm a leech. It's all I've ever been.
there IS a solution. look into rehab,arthox. get into action. you deserve it because those feelings? welp, some feelings arent true and the ones youre feeling arent true.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,509
You are alone and isolating because that's what alcoholics do. We do that in order to continue drinking.
Please talk to a dr or go to an ER. It sounds like you need help detoxing. Believe in yourself and that there is hope for you to be loved and to have the life you want.
Please talk to a dr or go to an ER. It sounds like you need help detoxing. Believe in yourself and that there is hope for you to be loved and to have the life you want.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
I have no idea why I'm choosing to be alone and isolate myself. Completely ignoring everyone.
I went to my county mental health services. With their help, I was able to get into a rehab. Rehab forcibly isolated me from alcohol for 30 days, which is the only way that I was going to be able to break the vicious cycle that I was stuck in. The 30 days gave me a little breathing room in which to breakup my zombie like (AKA: slave) mental status.
After the 30 days, I was not all and wonderful, but I could actually make decisions, whereas prior to that I couldn't make decisions, alcohol made them. Some people might have semantic issues with that last sentence, but alcoholics understand it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,339
I have been in this state, where the alcohol had completely consumed my body and mind. It's not a safe condition, usually ending up, for me, in further isolation and drinking or giving up and seeking aid. Please don't end up doing the irrational thing, instead do what is needed to start into recovery.
Life is Grand
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,039
I agree, Medical treatment is urgent. Please get to an ER, there, you will get treatment for the medical issues and possibly a referral for the Alcoholism.
All is not lost, please don't stop reaching for help.
All is not lost, please don't stop reaching for help.
Sick n tired
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 509
Arthox I feel for you. Your addiction is doing this to you. Get some help today go to er or talk to somebody. Reach out ask for help don’t suffer alone today. Your in a dark place now but the alcohol in your system is keeping you there. This is a horrible illness but there is hope please be kind to yourself
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: Cheshire. U.K
Posts: 8,003
I'm sorry you feel this way Arthox but there is plenty you can do, don't give up. Can you get yourself some medical help? ER would be a start, then work on the rest. Do it today. There's a lot more to life than this, you deserve better.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Lots of great advice here Arthox, but it’s also advice you’ve heard from us here on SR many times before. Every time you come back the consequences of your drinking get worse and worse - but we don’t get unlimited chances to change. I hope you will so something before you run out of them. You need a medical doctors assistance and likely inpatient treatment, and as others have said calling the ER or even 911 is a viable option.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
Back in Janurary, you were in the same position, asking the same questions...obviously trying the same things over and over getting the same results. You're living in insanity. It's that simple. I've been there. Detoxing is impossible for you without medical intervention. It was for me too.
here was janurary: so i said: PLEASE GO TO THE HOSPITAL. PLEASE STOP THIS MADNESS! YOU CANNOT DO THIS ON YOUR OWN! YOU CANNOT OUT THINK OR OUTLAST THIS WHEN YOU ARE ACTIVELY USING! YOU WILL NOT GET BETTER UNTIL YOU GET REAL HELP!! WE CARE A LOT ABOUT YOU AND WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU!!!!!! PLEASE GO TO THE HOSPITAL!!!!!!!!!
I can't make it any more plain. I've felt your hopelessness before. If I was there with you, I'd pick you up, put you in my truck and take you to the hospital myself. Please do the right thing and go to the hospital.
here was janurary:
Originally Posted by Arthox
I've been lying in bed for the past 3 days because I poisoned myself with alcohol, not on accident this time, which is insane. I had alcohol poisoning less than three days before that. The only reason I didn't 3/3 weeks is because I had a week where I didn't have to talk to anyone or do anything.
I've been lying in bed for three days vomiting and having diarrhea. Shaking so bad that the sensation of cold completely turns into some indescribable sensation. I've been hallucinating things out of the corners of my eyes. I was able to online order food last night, after like 60 hours of this, but there was no way I could drive.
So I guess I'm 3 days sober. I can feel like every organ inside me, and guess what. I want to drink. What is wrong with me? Why was I able to not drink for so long in the past and now it's like I'm subconsciously trying to kill myself.
My brain doesn't function without alcohol. I feel like I'm too far gone. I'm choosing to use it so I can talk to people and not feel like I'm perpetually coming off acid and trading "thinking" for my life. Why can't I just think normally or take a prescription that doesn't make my anxiety worse.
I'm so scared of what happens today.
I've been lying in bed for three days vomiting and having diarrhea. Shaking so bad that the sensation of cold completely turns into some indescribable sensation. I've been hallucinating things out of the corners of my eyes. I was able to online order food last night, after like 60 hours of this, but there was no way I could drive.
So I guess I'm 3 days sober. I can feel like every organ inside me, and guess what. I want to drink. What is wrong with me? Why was I able to not drink for so long in the past and now it's like I'm subconsciously trying to kill myself.
My brain doesn't function without alcohol. I feel like I'm too far gone. I'm choosing to use it so I can talk to people and not feel like I'm perpetually coming off acid and trading "thinking" for my life. Why can't I just think normally or take a prescription that doesn't make my anxiety worse.
I'm so scared of what happens today.
Originally Posted by BullDog777
This is how the illness works. It takes everything from you and then you die from it unless you do something to stop it.
If you don't want to die, you have to take extreme measures to stay sober. It's that simple.
None of this starts out easy or pretty for any one of us. Early sobriety is messy and scary. It's supposed to be. But this is the part where you HAVE to remain vigilant if you want to live. It's also that simple. Notice I never said easy.
If you require around the clock care, commit yourself. I know of a few people who have checked themselves into the hospital and said they were suicidal and thought they were going to drink themselves to death. They got help.
This isn't something you have to die from. It's something you can chose to survive if you can get the help.
I wish you all the best. I really thought I was too far gone. I wasn't ....I'm coming up on 3 years in March. If I can do it so can you.
If you don't want to die, you have to take extreme measures to stay sober. It's that simple.
None of this starts out easy or pretty for any one of us. Early sobriety is messy and scary. It's supposed to be. But this is the part where you HAVE to remain vigilant if you want to live. It's also that simple. Notice I never said easy.
If you require around the clock care, commit yourself. I know of a few people who have checked themselves into the hospital and said they were suicidal and thought they were going to drink themselves to death. They got help.
This isn't something you have to die from. It's something you can chose to survive if you can get the help.
I wish you all the best. I really thought I was too far gone. I wasn't ....I'm coming up on 3 years in March. If I can do it so can you.
I can't make it any more plain. I've felt your hopelessness before. If I was there with you, I'd pick you up, put you in my truck and take you to the hospital myself. Please do the right thing and go to the hospital.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Yep, I remember those feelings. No surprise, nothing changed for me until I got the willingness to do a whole lot of things that, up till that point, I'd been UNwilling to do.
I suppose you could just try again, like you've done so many times before, but we both know odds are super high that it'll end up just like it has - in yet another failure. I would HIGHLY SUGGEST you start looking at whatever pathways to recovery are out there that you're completely unwilling to do...pick one....and give that one a try even though you don't want to.
We already know what the alternative is but I'm betting you're sick of being miserable.
I suppose you could just try again, like you've done so many times before, but we both know odds are super high that it'll end up just like it has - in yet another failure. I would HIGHLY SUGGEST you start looking at whatever pathways to recovery are out there that you're completely unwilling to do...pick one....and give that one a try even though you don't want to.
We already know what the alternative is but I'm betting you're sick of being miserable.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
It was the "gift of desperation" that drove me to the doors of AA and I hope you go to. Just walk in the door, take a seat and listen. You'll find the support of people who drank just like you do. A big hug!
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