Xmas staff party.
 

how long did you guys wait in your sobriety before going out to social events/parties?

i'm a little over 9 months sober and i'm supposed to be going to my xmas staff party next week. it'll be the first time in my 9 months going out to a social event like this and i'm a little nervous. i'd feel a lot better just not going..and i very well might do that. but something also tells me i can't just shelter myself and avoid events like this for the rest of my life. any tips?

Go with your gut. You say right in your message that you'd feel a lot better not going, so don't go. And in the grand scheme of things a work party is pretty low on the "ladder of importance". How about finding a community holiday meal or food pantry to volunteer at for a couple of hours instead?

I was 8 months sober 3 years ago and relapsed during a social outing, no warning, no intentions to drink, just did it. I would also be careful, the darn beast can be sneaky and it's just not worth it. Who knows how long it will take for one to be ready....if your already nervous, I would say...maybe not ready?

you're completely right scott. the only justification i have for going is it would be good practice for me in relation to other events like this that come up in the future. because something tells me i can't bail out of things like this for the rest of my life? however, my sobriety is number one priority. period.

and thanks too wildflower. yea if i'm already nervous..then that's saying a lot. it's not worth it. it's not like anyone's even going to even notice if i don't show up, haha (lots of people going)

You have plenty of social events coming up in your life. There's no reason to force yourself to start now.

By nine months I had been able to go to bars with friends and not drink, but everyone's different. I would NOT have attempted it before about that time, but I had worked the hell out of my sobriety and knew that I was done with alcohol.

If you are having ANY misgivings, don't go.

You are't bailing on anything - people miss their work parties for all kinds of reasons completely unrelated to alcohol. Some people just don't like going, have other family commitments, etc.

To be quite frank, I still don't go to most of these kinds of things even many years into sobriety. Sure I CAN but to be honest there's better things to do. Certainly you will reach a point where you can go to events where alcohol is present - I go to weddings, graduation parties, I even went to my 30 year class reunion. But if you have any hesitation I'd trust your gut on this one.

i think this whole situation has pointed out my flaw of being a 'people pleaser'. i've told people i'm going because i don't want to seem antisocial and boring. and i hate being flakey and not following through with my word now.

oh well. my sobriety is far important than all of that

i feel so much better deciding not to go. this past week of "committing" to this has felt like a huge chore i couldn't wait to get out of the way.

Nine months? Hard to say. I was confident enough by that time, but it's probably different for everyone. About that far into my sobriety, it was my turn to host the monthly poker party with my friends. Alcohol was always present, but I was always the only one that really got sloshed. The others just nursed their drinks.

Remember that advice about leaving the party if you feel in danger of drinking. It really makes it easier when you have an escape route planned. I was debating calling off the poker party because of my fear, until I remembered the escape route plan. But how do you escape from a party if you are the host? I decided it was the same as it is for a guest. You pack up and run to a place of safety. You don't have to even return to the party. The guys would take care of themselves.

It gave me confidence and I made it through the night just fine. I also casually announced at some point in the evening that I had quit drinking without giving any specific details. There was no great round of applause. No one sensed it as some great change or accomplishment. Their reaction was more on the order of an uninterested, "Oh... cool." One guy did seem to catch on to the monumental importance, but he just casually responded, "You know Dave, sometimes a guy just recognizes that he has to do that."

But something funny happened the next day. As was the custom, the guys left their beer and chips and half empty bottles of hard stuff behind. I guess it's kind of a "thank you" to the host. I started gathering the liquor together remembering who brought what so I could return the stuff to the owners. Throwing it out seemed rather rude. But as I was taking a bunch of beer out of the fridge, one or two bottles slipped and went crashing to the kitchen floor. I had get down on my hands and knees to pick up the broken glass before I could mop up the mess, and I got scared. Not that I might be tempted to drink any of it, but on the off chance that one of my new friends from AA might stop by at that very moment and demand an explanation about what I was up to.

I just don't enjoy parties period.

I didn't like them when I was drinking and I don't like them sober. They seem pointless to me. Especially work parties. I see you people enough!!

I'd rather do anything other than a party any day of the week, and I'm five years sober. I always felt trapped at parties. Even at weddings, I like to say, "Congrats" to the couple in the reception line and then leave. Birthdays are tricksy. I kind of feel like big birthdays (21, 30, 40, 50, etc.) or kids' birthdays deserve a party, but not the other birthdays. They feel like gift-grabs to me, unless they say, "No gifts."

Okay, maybe it's me. :lol:

Not going to mine either....just dont want to. A lot of people go for the very reason I dont want to.....to drink. Always go with your inclination. If ever in a situation where you must go, skip cocktail hour, then eat, then run!
Happy holiday

My first business holiday party was when I had four months. I went with a sober friend, stayed about 30 minutes and had a club soda in my hand the whole time.
Good luck!

I am just starting out but I have cancelled going to my office party. It is too soon for me. Even after 9 months I dont think I'd trust myself but everyone is different. If your escape plan if you are tempted is good enough then you might be OK.

First party, 14 mo. First wedding, about 18. I am 2 yr going on 10 mo sober. I was very conservative perhaps, and began my socializing in one on ones around 90 some days. I also discovered what I really enjoy- small groups, time with my most important people, and being home. I have never had a regret declining ANY situation, including fam holidays in my 2d year.

Note- I am an AA person, so I've had ongoing dialogue and program based decisions all along. I DID decide to go back to work in a restaurant at 5 mo sober, and also began dating my now husband. Big caveat here- he is also in recovery....and was my high school bf so I knew with absolute certainty he was trustworthy.

My emotional then physical sobriety come before anything else, as the former precedes the latter.

thanks for all your input everyone.

i'm going to give it a miss. far easier than figuring out escape routes and planning out the night. i feel a hell of a lot better already haha.

the main reason i was so torn was people at my work wanting me to go. some of my weaknesses; giving into pressure and people pleasing. but i've got to get over that and prioritize.

Excellent choice. Escape routes are only necessary in "have to be there" situations. And if some one missed you at the party, you can always fess up and tell them, you just started with the sobriety thing, and didn't feel secure enough yet to be around that much alcohol. I've found that a lot of people accept this, and even offer encouragement and understanding. There are always those out there, who will ask why you don't just control your drinking and be there. It's not their fault that they don't understand. I've found it easy to just brush off such responses.

You can also engage them and tell them that no, you can't control your drinking, and that you really want to give sobriety thing a chance. You are under no obligation to do this, but most people understand, I think. If no one understands, it's a red flag, and outright avoidance is obviously the best way to go.

I have a very close group of friends who were extremely supportive when I was in rehab and beyond. Much of our socializing was around wine...clubs, vineyard trips, and parties where everyone would bring a bottle and we would sip them all evening.

I can now hang out with them at restaurants where I'm the only one not drinking or at a party where they are drinking wine. I might get a "habit" craving (a situation where I habitually drank and having a drink seems automatic), but I just acknowledge the craving and it goes away.

BUT

I didn't even attempt this until 6 months sober. If I had tried it any sooner I didn't trust myself, and at that point I had a decent amount of sober time and a lot of sober tools in my kit.

EVEN SO

I ALWAYS set a time frame and have an escape plan, as well as sober friends who will talk me through a bad situation. I am a modified AVRT person and theoretically making my vow and recognizing the AV would be enough. And it is.

I consider the escape and phone a friend plans as insurance.

Good for you Froscow. Turns out that my daughters music coincert is on the same night as our party! Perfect excuse (I would’ve made up something anyway).

Find yourself something fun to do that evening and make that a new tradition!

thanks guys.

the party is tonight. just gonna have a nice cozy evening at home with netflix and a good home cooked meal. :)

Sounds like a great plan to me froscow! You'll never regret the decision to NOT drink ;-)

I was in a bit of a similar situation this week. I stressed all week about a meet up today with me and my business colleague (super sociable guy) and our ex colleagues - the relationships were very much founded on boozing although there's certainly one or two I have a lot of time for - we just would never see each other outside of a boozing context.

I ended up going and thankfully it was cut short for various reasons. I made my excuses with drinking diet coke and stood there feeling how I always feel at the moment, glum and down. I couldn't join in with any of the banter - there was some needle about my being single etc which I just didn't have anything to bounce back at them with. It was all in jest but I did think to myself: in truth, this is me without alcohol. I've probably been mildly depressed all my life and drinking has perpetuated that. But while I was drinking I could come alive and be "Mr Fun".

Although I feel greatly relieved to have come out of it unscathed, I will take the advice of others and not put myself in that situation again any time soon. It will mean not going to two weddings and definitely no bachelor parties next year. I know I'm depressed at the moment and am going to see someone a doctor later today about it. I do wonder if some actual medication to get me out of this funk is in order and perhaps make me less likely to turn to alcohol when these feelings of inadequacy rear their head again. Whilst the drinking me, "Mr Fun", was not the real me, perhaps doing something about this permanently low mood (but not major depression) will bring me closer to that Brian than the one in my body at the moment.

I really don't see "snapping out of it" happening any time soon.

Glad to hear you are going to seek some help for your potential depression issues Briansy. Keep in mind that most meds really only treat the symptoms of conditions like anxiety and depression- not the core causes. Not to say that they can't help you get "over the hump" so you can start making the necessary changes to you life. But just like there is no magic pill to fix alcoholism, there's not one for depression either. If you do find that you are clinically depressed, i'd highly recommend speaking with a therapist too - MD"s can usually only do so much to help.

I would also add that most people don't just "snap out" of mental illness. It's generally a process where you improve bit by bit and learn techniques to make every day better than the next. But it's also pretty amazing when you do work on it for a while and suddenly realize how far you've come.

A lot of people don't go to work parties because they really don't want to see the people they work with, outside of work.

One of the problems is that the biggest thing you have in common with these people, is work. So that's what people generally talk about. Who needs that?

Have a family event planned (even if it's just walking the family dog!) that conflicts with the work party and you have a good excuse.

You made a very wise, and healthy, decision, froscow.

I made a similar decision at 6 months sober involving a car race.

I got uncomfortable when I was there for the Saturday preliminary race and simply sold my ticket for the big race on Sunday and drove home.

It was one of the defining moments in my recovery.

You have just experienced such watershed moment in your sobriety.

Congratulations.

Early on I did skip a lot of events like that, not so much because I was afraid I would drink but because I didn't want to deal with the anxiety, and especially because I didn't want to be around drunk people. I still don't want to be around drunk people 8 years later, just because they annoy me. :)

At some point we have to go, and what I did was plan the event carefully in my mind so it felt like I had it somewhat under control. This is how I'll get there, this is how I'll leave if I need to escape, and this is what I'll say to people about it if I do bail out. There's a meeting before, a meeting after somewhere if I feel like I need it, this is what I'll say if someone offers me a drink or asks why I'm not sucking down the alcohol (no one ever did...). Etc. Just having thought through the event in advance did a lot to calm my anxiety about it, and made it easy to get through.