I become someone else..
 

So ive had a problrm with self medicating my anxiety and Depersonalization with alcohol for 4 years now. Ive gotten better though. I went from a pint a night to only drinking on weekends...but the thing is i want to stop drinking all together...so all week ill be sober and tell myself im not going to drink this weekend...but friday night comes and its like my mind is taken over by another entity... And it drags me to the liquor store..completely ignoring and throwing my weekly plans of not drinking on weekends right out the window...it scares me that i cant control myself...like ive had problem for a while but its never been so real to me now....like before i drank every night...and that was how it was... But now that i find some self control..i fear how the weekend comes and its like i have no say in the matter...its scary and i just needed to grt it off my chest.

That was me. I never drank every day, but I was like you in that I would routinely lose any willpower not to drink on a Friday or Saturday. And, like you, I found it to be very scary. However, I FINALLY understood that drinking on the weekend was making me feel awful almost all week, so I stopped. Now, I look forward to my sober weekends and waking up Sunday and Monday not feeling like crap.

Future tripping, fear of the unknown, fear of not getting something we want, fear of losing something we have are all common to many alkie~addicts. Accepting each 24 hrs for what they are. Educate yourself about AVRT.

You have the power to not drag yourself to the liquor store. You can make healthy choices. Separate you, from the other voice in your head. That's the beast. It wants you to suffer, to add to your anxiety, fears. You can sit with uncomfortable, thoughts, feelings, physical & emotional pain. You can get through the anxiety with out self medicating. Alcohol will only offer a short relief. Than anxiety will implode.

If all else fails, find an HP and utilize in times of weakness. Or do both. Surround yourself with other alkies~addicts. Alcohol isn't a reward for the alcoholic. It's toxic. It poison's every organ, our blood, our cells. It crushes our hopes and dreams. It's a wild, vicious animal. It's plans are to kill us and the people we love.

It causes pain to ourselves and others. It keeps us from being healthy, effective people. You do have a say in this matter. It's always a choice. You can choose one of two paths. You can choose the healthy one.

You can do this!... Become the person your meant to be.

Thank you for taking time to reply! I needed what you wrote!

This was me everyday for decades. While at work everyday with a hangover, I would tell myself several times throughout the day that I was going to go straight home and be good.

Then on my way home I would still be thinking I didn't want to drink but I would always stop and get booze - it was so automatic - like my mind couldn't control what my body craved, or maybe my body couldn't stop doing what my alcoholic mind was telling it to do.

Today I am 188 days sober and glad I am out of that downward spiral into hell.

Hi Khyzer :)

I used to refer to it as another entity too - but it's not.

It's a part of me - but a part with no higher levels of thinking...it has no arms no legs...

it meeds you to go to the store, buy booze come lack and open it.

If you refuse to co-operate at ant point - it's flummoxed..there's nothing it can do.

It will throw a tantrum probably,....but you're the aduly not the toddlr - it will wear itself out soon enough.

Make a plan for next weekend - a plan to not drink - think ahead of time about what you could do to ensure you stay sober :)

D

Don't ever drink again. One more time, DON'T EVER DRINK AGAIN!
That's how to solve all your problems with this disease.
Get a plan and don't drink. The AV gets weaker and you get stronger. Period.