Forgotten how to live
 

Woke up last Thursday dizzy and sick like I had done for thousands of days over the course of years past. No amount of coffee, water, crackers, or distractions could quell the sourness in my stomach. In years prior, I could finish off a bottle of red and likely most of a second and wake up without much ill affect. I am more tired than I can ever remember. The fatigue and malaise are very noticeable. Despite the hilarity of a strict diet of mostly lean meat and vegetables, the poison I have been feeding myself has taken its toll. My face is dehydrated and haggard. I somehow manage to get 10-12 miles in on a treadmill 4 days a week, but I can sense I am running on fumes and my body will not tolerate it for much longer. Truth be told, I am not certain how my body has been able to withstand the abuse. I wonder who else can see it in my eyes.

My anxiety, general dislike of myself and preferred isolation have grown to a state I could have never imagined for myself at 39 years old.

For almost four days I have not had a drop. I have woken up on too many Saturdays and Sundays sick and I wanted to see what a weekend felt like hydrated and semi-rested…it’s been so long that I can’t remember. I have had some telltale warning signs from my body that the abuse has taken me down a new road, and I am amazed and disgusted with myself for continuing to go back. Knowing full well that if I continue down this road….today might be the best I ever feel, because it only gets worse from here.

For the past few years during the day, I had been getting by. Professionally, I put up the best façade I can muster. I am present, no sick days…mostly engaged in my duties, but I now perform at about 60 mph versus the 100 mph that I was accustomed to over the last decade. Everything in my life feels difficult in ways it hasn't before. I am irritable and closed off to people, and despite a loneliness I cannot describe in words, I prefer being and drinking alone.

My drinking is heavy and only during the evening. I would estimate a bottle+ of red nightly for a year, add in a significant number of days and liters of vodka and a couple of months on high ABV craft beer. About a decade ago, I would binge from time to time on a weekend, rarely drank throughout the week, but beginning October of 2014…it changed completely and went full tilt off a cliff.

The source of this 2+ year nightly binge was a divorce with laden with infidelity (on his side) and heartbreak like I have never known. Most women struggle with some type of self-esteem issue, but this event was so significant that it took every bit of light out of me. The anger, rage, disgust, disappointment, grief, sadness…I couldn’t be comforted by anyone, and trust me I tried. There are many shameful nights that I can barely recall how I survived and others that I could just wish I could forget.

Something kept telling me that he had the affairs because I just wasn’t enough of a partner or wife…no matter how fit, how successful, how nurturing, how ambitious and driven I was, how much I would invest in our relationship….something about ‘me’ was just not worthy enough to hold onto. So that voice became a new truth for me and I tried to numb it away and hide by drinking. I tried to hide from the idea that I was unworthy of love. I isolated because I assumed if I was not a good partner or wife, then surely I was unworthy of letting people know me.

I am ashamed of who I have become.

I have no hobbies. I go to work, go to the gym, isolate…and drink. I cook for myself, but it’s moot. Half the time any effort at healthy nutrition is being countered by liters and liters of red wine or vodka.

I don’t laugh like I used to. It’s hollow, sad and cynical.

Bruises have shown up with no recollection of how they were put there…a few I wish I didn’t know the source of.

I mostly assume others are selfish and will sacrifice the well-being of others to satisfy their needs.

I have lost hope that things will improve much as I feel like maybe I have broken myself beyond compare. Spiritually, mentally and physically. I am 39 year old female, no children, angry, hopeless and disappointed, distant, a drunk, used up, many many shameful mistakes after the divorce. There was me before….and the me now.

I have cut off all, but a few of friends. Partly due to shame in who I have become, partly in resentment that they didn’t see I was struggling (because I was good at pretending at the beginning) and none tried to help. Since moving across country for a new assignment in 2015, I spend all but my work hours alone and the close few friends I do have I never see. Makes it easy to pretend I am okay.

I’d rather drag my broken foot and crawl to a hospital than ask anyone for help.

For the time being, I might seem from the outside to be put together. No one knows what a f*cked mess of a human being I have become at night all alone. I know eventually I won't be able to sustain it.

I am missing a time in my life where I felt inspired, hopeful, invigorated and motivated to accomplish things that are fulfilling to me.

Thursday morning was filled with hopelessness knowing that this will in fact kill me if I let it. So far my attempts at stopping are four days long with relapses in between.

So incredibly disappointed in myself for becoming this person.

Hi halfalife. I wanted to welcome you and tell you that you are in the right place. Your self awareness is very evident, and that gives you a head start on making a better life for yourself.
There are so many people here who know your pain. I am one of them. There is a way out. Please stick around, keep posting, and keep reading.

Beautifully written post, halfalife. I can identify with so many points you made.

Welcome half. So glad you're here. You will find your are not alone in your feelings or your experiences.

I had to face that no matter what life threw at me, it was not an excuse to kill myself slowly with alcohol. I have to face my challenges head on, without booze. And I needed help to do that. A plan for my recovery. Learning to live life without alcohol, to grow spiritually, is a discipline. Like eating well and working out.

Congrats on four days. You can do this and you can feel better. But the solution is not in a bottle.....as you've seen. Hang in there.

You have come to a great place for encouragement & support in not drinking. Many here have felt just as you are feeling now & now Free from the chains of alcohol.

There is absolute hope that you can have this again! Be kind to yourself

Yes. I'd forgotten how to live as well. And certainly had no ideas on 'Living Sober'. Luckily I found my way to AA somehow after about a month no drinking and going increasing mad and feeling increasingly desperate. When I was without strength or hope, the people in the fellowship gave me some of theirs. It wasn't a kind of love that I recognised (platonic and unconditional ), but now I see that is what they gave me. I suppose they loved me until I could learn to love myself, and are always on hand for the days where I forget how to do so now as well.

You know, thing can and will get better if you reach out and let others who have walked this path before you help. I will have 3 years sober on March 5th this year. I still can't believe how different it is to be me now. I'm one grateful alcoholic.

Take care. Wishing you all the best for your continued sobriety and recovery. BB

Don't believe this, halfalife. Just do not believe it, or you will probably become something that you cannot fathom even at this stage. It's the alcohol amplifying your pain, deepening your depression, and keeping you alone and stuck.

Two to three years in the pits is not much in the grand scheme of life, and you can absolutely reverse this, but you need to quit drinking and have some faith that things will improve if you do.

Do not listen to that voice that says you are not worth it, that nothing is worth it, so you may as well drink. You still have a job, and you can still jog 12 miles. That's plenty of material to work with, and you are self-aware as well.

I can understand not wanting to ask anyone for help and preferring to do things yourself, but you will need to do something.

Rational Recovery offers a method of self-recovery, known as AVRT, that is completely private. You can learn the skill yourself, and then put it to use.

AVRT is set forth fully in the following book:
There is also a free crash course on AVRT at the Rational Recovery web site, and some good threads about AVRT in the secular connections forum, which I highly recommend as a supplement to the crash course.

At the very least, get rid of the alcohol supply.

You can beat this thing.

I think you are RIGHT where you belong halfalife. Stick around and welcome!!!

Ok, a very painful place, but as has already mentioned, incredible self awareness. Use this, you'll be needing it.
Start with staying sober and get this as your focus. Other stuff, grieving your marriage, finding out who you are now, self esteem....... All will be faced so much more effectively without the booze.
Lots of luck to you.
Xx

Welcome halfalife to SR. I'm wayne.
You're post brings back a lot of memories. Alcoholism robs us of everything. Eventually our lives. It creates this illusion of dependence that's just sickening. It's a deadly insidious progressive disease. The only way you can escape the grips of alcoholism is to stop drinking. You can do this one day at a time. You don't have to live this way. You can end the nightmare right now. For good. Get busy, get a plan. Stick with it, and don't drink. The one thing that I can promise you is that life is better without alcohol. Ask anyone here. You're life will improve by not drinking.

Stay with us. We're here for ya. Thank you for your post, thank you for sharing your story. Give sobriety a chance. You're life depends on it.

I really identify with much of your post halfalife...my body was no longer coping well with the massive ingestion of alcohol, and neither was my mind - I look twenty years older than I was and my eyes that were once so clear were now red and watery.

I had no idea how sober people lived anymore.

Fast forward ten years and I'm healthy and happy and fully engaged in a fun and active life.

It all started with a day one...and regular involvement in this community.

If I can do it, you can too :)

D

I needed a way to get this out this morning, I have been reading on SR nightly for days...not knowing that a handful of people on here would take the time to respond.

I appreciate your kindness, support and suggestions. I hope I am in a place where I can pay the same meaningful advice and encouragement forward to someone someday.

in a way, halfalife, you're in the best spot to change direction.

i had become that person, too, and then....when i couldn't STAND being that person anymore, i took some actions.
reading lots and posting on a forum and going to a secular meeting were the initial actions.

good to see you reach out.

Hello HAL. I get it. The loneliness, the emptiness- the sadness of what once was- or could have been...
There is hope. You want that- why else post. A brave thing to do- to reach out for support. Well, you have it. Hard work- you show through your narrative you can do that. Put that hard work that drinking takes- into getting your life back. I will not go into my sordid past- it is documented well enough else where at SR. But go and see a doctor- get a physical. Share/post here. Collect info so you can make informed choices. Go to an AA meeting- it is 'anonymous, just listen'. SMART is very good for every day strategies. I do both. See a therapist if you can - I do. Try something different outside your comfort zone that is different and safe. For me- it is art- as my avatar (such as it is) shows. Join the Class of Feb 2017 thread. Keep posting, there is life here- for me, for you. You are not alone. Keep posting.
My thoughts and support sent to you across the waves. PJ.

halfalife,

Thank you for posting. Your story parallels mine. There is hope and a solution. A lot of good advice has been shared so I will just say that you are in my prayers. Good luck and post here before you drink. Tons of support here from many people that have been where you are.

Welcome halfalife,

As others have said, beautifully written post. I get it. Every line. My Ex had a long term affair with my best friend. Made me believe I was worthless as well as crazy.

It can get better (it absolutely did for me). Please keep posting. The people here are wonderful.

Hi Halfalife. I relate to your name. I came to AA with no life and gottalife, with bells on. My journey in recovery started from the same point of hopelessness. It seems that was where I had to be to be open to a spiritual solution, which is what AA offers.

When all things human have failed, and the situation is still getting worse, what is left? Some kind of god maybe? I needed something more than human aid, but I was only willing to look for that when all my human resources had proved inadequate. After all, if your own power was adequate, why would you need a greater power?

You are and I'm certain you will someday. Your presence here alone is an important part of all of our recovery. We learn from those with long time sobriety, and we learn from those not even sober yet. The most important thing is that we are all here and we all understand why we are here.

Halfalife, what an amazing opening post.
The interesting thing to me is how alone and desperate you feel.
Booze made most of us feel that way.

It was a terribly beautiful way of soothing the pain we experience but quickly becomes an insidious source of pain itself; a pain which can be soothed by... more drink. So on and on it goes.

But we can never move on from the pain life throws at us while we mask it with alcohol. I often wish I could drink like others who can say, "Oh I'm so upset, I need a drink". And they have a few drinks and then get on with addressing their issues.
But I can't do that.

But I've learned to deal with things. Not always well and my attempts at sobriety have not always worked, but I think I'm getting there.
And you are so right- I have felt at times like I'm relearning how to handle aspects of life.

There are many tools available to help with sobriety, the one I found helped me most was cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). You'll also find much wisdom and support on this site.
I wish you well.

You sound a lot like me. Just about a year ago. You have nowhere to go but up. Put the alcohol away and watch yourself bloom again into life. It is so much better! I promise.

My opinion: You're making the first step in the journey to recovery by admitting to a group of people you have a problem with alcohol. Your honesty is a great step toward recovery as well! I relate to so much of what you said. I thought I was hopeless and would die drunk, but now I cannot imagine taking a drink for anything. If I can do it you can do it, and it sounds like you're willing.

How's it going halfalife?

I have reread most of your responses a few times and I want to thank everyone for setting time aside to respond. Sober since Thursday of last week…this week tested my will, but the desire to wake up not hungover so far has won against any temptation I feel. I know I will be fighting harder for myself than I have likely fought for anything.

I have went to the gym for the last four nights and I have very little gas in the tank. Despite that, I tried to push hard because it’s the only other thing I have that I view as a daily victory for myself. I eat well, I am hydrated, but I feel fatigued as if I am dragging sandbags around from my ankles.

I am not sleeping well, never have, but in the past couple of months it’s been worse. Lots of tossing and turning and waking up at 4 am. Unsure if this is an indication of my body resetting itself.

This week I am faced with the raw emotions and knowledge that the one crutch I had to rely on to numb the loneliness and disappointment now no longer serves me.

I knew that I was moving from 1-1.5 bottles a day into the 2 bottle territory and felt certain that within a year those limits would even be pushed.

Before, almost instinctively a bad day equaled a bottle and a half. When I began that habit, it seemed innocuous at the time and it never occurred to me that I could be taken by it and that eventually it would take the lead in my life.

I know that drinking myself through a personal crisis is the worst decision I have made for myself in a long time.

It teaches you to agree with every awful thought you have for yourself and then in time, you have compounded that shame with poor decisions to confirm the beliefs.

It teaches you to question your worthiness and what you have to offer in the world as your world narrows over time…my wagons are drawn as tightly around me as I could control.

Lots of triggers of shame today at work…retirement ceremony for a peer.

My triggers are emotion, guilt, shame and esteem based. I never have to look far for a good reason to drink the fear and anxiety away. Confirmation bias teaches you to pay attention to the things that confirm what you already believe…my brain is now wired that way and I am fighting daily to ‘rewire’ it.

There are some very brave and courageous people on SR…strength that someone who hasn’t experienced the battle can’t put into words. I hope I find myself where you all are at some point.

I have a long weekend to get through, all of a sudden today, 9 days after not drinking, I feel heavy hearted, scared and alone today.

Thank you all again for your kindness over the last week.

Not alone, Halfalife.

I've found solace and a friendly word on this site at 4am on many occasions.
The chat room is also a great resource.
Feelings are going to be raw for a while.
Considering you are feeling them full force and without booze taking the edge off them.
But feelings won't hurt you.
I have found myself in early sobriety feeling both happy and sad simultaneously.
Keep up the good fight, you're doing great.

I don't struggle during the week, because I am busy and work keeps me distracted and then by the time I am home from the gym I have only hours to go until bedtime (which I used to fill with drinking until late hours).

The weekends are hardest, its very noticeable that my phone doesn't ring and it's just me against the world. I am aware that I emanate a certain vibe that keeps my life solitary and I am very cautious about who I share myself with now (which makes SR easier for me I suppose).

The isolation is comforting and painful all at once.

That's actually good.

Remove the option of all such crutches, including any other non-prescribed hedonic drugs. Some people will try and find a replacement for the one that stopped working so well, making arbitrary distinctions between their "drug of choice" and other drugs.

They usually end up worse for wear.

Just live and learn, halfalife.

One of the side effects of removing the old solution is that you will be forced to consider getting legitimate help for legitimate problems, if you need it, instead of getting drunk.

Of course, more than one has gotten help for alcohol induced depression and anxiety while still drinking. This usually does not work, and often the addiction actually gets worse.

Your world may have narrowed, as it does for most who become addicted, but with that old standby solution off the table, it can expand again. You mentioned feeling isolated at home -- a pet can sometimes help with that.

I have a career that does not allow use of recreational drugs whatsoever; consequence would be termination, garnishment of pay, no severance and or option to retire. So, that kept my choice of numbing to strictly alcohol.

I realized a few days in after a bad day that it was just me and however I felt about it...I didn't have anything to run to. I have relied on routines and rituals and hot showers so far. I have woke up every day since I have abstained and have decided to just not drink for that day and tried to find one reason to focus on in that day of why I was grateful to have made that choice.

And, yes...I have an old lady cat who has been by my side for 16 years of moves all over the country.

...Ironically, I have held caregiver positions throughout the course of my career and can offer sound advice to others on being resilient and working through crisis and trauma. I would never say to others the things I have told myself.

Then there's me...who knowingly and willingly have chosen to implement none of them in my own life. Sobriety right now is very difficult because of how I see myself and no way to escape.

My self-esteem was very low at first. I was so guilty about my behaviour, ashamed of myself. I told my late wife I was a loser. I meant it.

I do not feel like a loser anymore. The negative self-talk is gone. The beating myself up is over. I can not tell you how proud I am inside. All of this is due to not drinking. All of this self-love and new confidence gained by giving up so little in hindsite. Good luck

Your point is helpful to remember...in that giving up drinking, the possibility for things improving exists. Thank you.