I'm a stranger in a strained land
 

This has been a really fun journey.. getting out of the shackles of my addiction to alcohol, the relief of getting past the initial hard parts, and starting to get to know myself, starting to feel whole, capable, and responsible..

It's usually this time of night when fears, insecurities and regrets come back in.. The thing is, the more clarity I am able to see with, the more I examine and resolve things, and learn how to look at life for what it is, situations for what they are, other people for who they are.. Illusions and delusions are being shattered, and I suddenly feel lost in certain places... because I saw them one way, and they were really a different way...

Deep breath... good air in... bad air out... I've been doing a lot of that tonight.

I am letting go of what I can't control.. I am disentangling my emotions from certain situations, for the sake of my own well being... I am just having a hard time looking back at all the examples of how self-centered my view of my world and other people has been.. especially in the past year, and I don't know how I go forward with certain relationships knowing that everything I once thought about our relationships was wrong..

Alcohol screwed up my perception of my world SO badly... that now without that, seeing it clearly, I feel lost in it.. I'm surrounded by people I do not know at all.. I'm scared.

Fantastic post, BrendaC.

Sobriety rocks!!!!!

No, no... I am not good. I am scared. LoL

I'll adjust, I guess.
But I just want to know if anyone else knows what the hell I'm talking about.
Wasn't it scary to see situations clearly yet not know who the other players are, what their roles are, and how you fit in, because the only way you ever knew how to process other people was in terms of what they could do for you.. because the addictive in you does that?

I'm not feeling like I've made sense..

I guess try to figure out who you are, what your role is and how you fit with you and the universe or a higher power. Ask what you can do for others, how you can be of service. Simplifies all that thinking immensely.

Oh, you make sense, BC.

Scary? Yes. But full of possibility.
Possibility for being more 'right-sized' (love that word and concept).
My experience was one of very slowly understanding and seeing and believing and knowing I wasn't actually always victimized the way I had been sure I had been victimized and misunderstood all my life.
Which was a relief, actually.
My perceptions and perspective had been waaayyy off while drinking all those years.

Our sober eyes can be both reassuring and frightening, I think. It can feel great to see things as they really are (without the 'fog' of alcohol) but those sober eyes can (initially, anyway) make us feel as though we are in a foreign country or unchartered waters. While in active alcoholism, our perception of reality is very skewed.

Give it time, BC; things will normalize and you will become more comfortable in your own skin/in your true reality.

(Sorry that I misconstrued your post. I was 'seeing' your ability to grow in situational awareness, which I think is a really fantastic step. Recognizing that your family/friends seem 'unknown' is actually a good thing, too, as true relationships often need to be reestablished or mended after finding sobriety and recovery).

I truly believe that things are going to be okay; be patient with yourself and others; you are creating a 'new (and improved) normal'.

I used to feel like everyone I knew orbited around me, and at warp speed, and I had to figure out what they were doing and what they were thinking at all times and how it all affected me! ME, ME, ME, ME, ME!

They haven't changed, they just feel so unfamiliar put back in to their own orbits where they belong, where their lives only occasionally brush mine, and I don't have to worry about what they're doing unless they are currently, physically interacting with me.

The absence of that gravitational force has left my planet a little unsteady on its axis.. Where it stood in the universe was only ever defined by it's perceived closeness to other planets. Now I'm just floatin' around in space..

That's actually a very calming visualization... lol

Waking up after essentially being in an alcoholic coma for however many years is both exciting and frightening.

It's like "Wow I made it all this way!" and then "Now what?". You don't really have to learn to walk again but you are using muscles that have atrophied.

Just take as long as you need.

Lots of great responses here, and I would agree that waking up from 2 decades of daily sedation was eye opening and definitely scary for me. It still is scary at times, even several years into being sober.

Along the way I've learned to accept that life is supposed to be scary sometimes...we wouldn't learn to survive if it were easy all the time. Part of life is facing adversity and learning from it.

I've also learned that while we must never forget where we came from, dwelling on the past is counterproductive. And some of the things we would like to "fix" that we've broken simply aren't fixable. The solution is to make today and your sobriety the priority...things around you will take care of themselves for the major most part.

You mentioned in another post earlier that you weren't sure if you needed to get more help...maybe this uneasiness is giving you the answer?

I said I wasn't sure if I needed to pursue more alcoholism treatment, since I feel no pull from that, feel actually pretty detached from that, don't quite remember what it was like to NEED to drink... There is no consideration given to going backward on this journey. The option to drink is not.. It's not rejected, it's just not even on the table.. It's a part of my past. And I know that statement will be suspect, because if I wasn't still obsessed with my alcoholism, why would I be here? Habit. I like the comfort bubble of getting anonymous support. And I think people here can relate to some of what I'm going through.

I don't know... My fear has nothing to do with relapse, it has to do with finding out how I fit in to a world I only ever dipped a toe in to before..

That's been a big theme of my sobriety. Seeing things as they are, and not through the skewed and distorted window of alcohol. Incidentally, it's made relationships across the board better. Made life better.

Alcohol poisons our minds and thoughts- not just our bodies.

You made me laugh, Cow!

I guess that's what I was trying to say really....learning to be sober is a lot more than learning how to not drink. Much of the work in structured sobriety programs and rehab/counseling/etc is all about learning to live. Learning to accept. Learning humility and gratitude.

Those pesky steps helped me sort out where I fit in the world. I didn't have the intelligence to realise it at the time, but steps 3 to 9 pretty much dealt with all the issues you raised, and the last three keep everything in order.

I think I get what you're saying Brenda.

Here is the 'deal' with people who have been repetitively abused or "victimized" as in how you were abused by your father growing up. Repetitively.

To "survive" you went into "self-preservation-mode". Now: granted how you self-preserved for a long time was not healthy as in you turned to a substance that altered your perception and you turned to a relationship that somehow made you feel better about yourself (for a time period, that is).

You take away the 'things' that you turned to to preserve yourself, and what are you left with? As unhealthy as those 'things' were, they were still 'things' that got you through somehow.

Now: without those things, you are in a sense stripped bare. Like, not totally bare, but sort of bare. This is a crucial time for you. Because it would be rather easy to find something else to get you back to self-preservation-mode. And you might just grab on to whatever gives you a 'feel good'....and sometimes those things don't pan out for your health and wholeness.

This is where therapy would be really really helpful. Not only to address the deep-seated issues from your childhood, but how to go forward from here; developing new coping mechanisms. Building a better self esteem.

However unhealthy it was/is, you somehow needed it to be about you. Now, you have realized it's not all about you. And while that is a shift in your modus operandi it really can be an awakening too to realize it's NOT all about you and really, thank the good Lord it's not. Because you can fill your life with other things that really ARE healthy and will help make you truly whole. (smile)

Think of all those stories of epic adventures BC. Mostly, the hero, as they realise the true nature of their voyage or mission or task ahead, will experience fear. They don't become a hero by not feeling fear. They become a hero by feeling the fear, and leaning into that fear to do it anyway. No one can rescue us, but it's perfectly possible for us to lean into our fears do it anyway, and be our own hero or heroine.

Go BC xxx

I relate to pretty much everything you've typed, Brenda.
and this? when I got sober I saw my whole life was driven by fear.
then early on I had fear of the unknown- not knowing who I was or how I fit....YET.
so I just kept doing. kept asking questions and listening for answers.


you've come a long way, Brenda! its awesome to read the progress!:You_Rock_

Thanks, everyone!

Yes, it is a strange feeling. But, it's not a strange land. It's the stranger we are.

Learning who to be without drugs or drink is a blessing and a challenge. I'm pretty sure you will be a better you.