Alcoholism, childhood abuse and adult bullies.
 

Well people, here I am working on month 9 of sobriety.

I was doing some reading recently on the affects of childhood abuse and how they put a person at risk for alcohol abuse, anxiety, depression, self harm, and can even impair physical health- in the form of heart disease, or even diabetes.

Well, I am one who unfortunately became an alcoholic and also addicted to anxiety drugs because of many, many years of abuse in my life growing up and even beyond until I had to make the difficult decision to stop all contact with my biological parents. It was heartbreaking, as I had never had parents- only abusers- and yet felt I was mourning not only the loss of what could never be, but also having a huge, scary 20 year chasm between myself and others with unvoiced experiences that had crippled me at my very foundation. It was, as anyone who has been through it knows- alienating, unnerving and depressing.

As if that wasn't enough, I had endured many, many years of bullying at the hands of my peers, classmates and even my teachers. There was literally no safe place for me. Much of it was based on my ethnicity, as I was raised in a notoriously racist town. I basically shut down by the time I was 9.

Well, to my credit, I didn't really become an alcoholic until I was almost 30 years old. And of course anxiety drugs appealed as I had a lifelong anxiety disorder- my 1st "therapist" threw a prescription at me and had a habit of taking things personally, and was frankly more interested in herself. My 2nd one lost her practice and even became involved with clients in inappropriate ways. Yeah... I wasn't going to keep trying the same thing over and over and expect different results.

So as usual I had to rely on myself, and take to reading books and teaching myself. I have read books on surviving abuse and on other relevant topics as well as 12 Steps on Buddha's Path. I would recommend "Surviving a Borderline Parent" and "12 Steps on Buddha's Path" for fellow survivors.

Troubling as it is though, bullies don't really grow up or out of their behavior. I learned this as a small child who was teased and bullied by their own parents as well as teachers. There were no safe adults. I knew also as a small child that it would often be those in a position of authority, such as my then teachers- who would do such things. And so it was as an adult, where I saw people- maybe a boss or department chair- use bullying tactics to silence people and keep them "in their place". As a female I saw much of this and it was no secret these tactics were accepted with silence- because anything else would result in drastic measures.

As disheartening as it is, this is not uncommon. My former self would simply shrug off such behavior and simply have a visit to the liquor store after work, or take a xanax and power through another day.

But, I have a right to live well, and it shouldn't be at the expense of my mental or physical health. And it shouldn't be while having to play the life or work "games" that enable some to live well and others not.

As an individual in sobriety interested in living authentically, I am no longer wiling to allowed myself to be silenced, bullied or on the receiving end of passive aggressive tactics. As I ponder what next to do as far as gainful employment, these issues are relevant. In my personal life, I don't make room for bullies, narcissists or passive aggressive individuals. But sometimes, as social circles go- they can pop up.

I ain't getting any younger, and I have a Zero Tolerance policy towards such things. Boundaries are not a thing I was taught to have growing up and it's good that this is part of my sobriety and growth. Speaking up for myself was a thing met with being beaten literally black and blue as well. I am not willing to be complicit in my own abuse by painting any of it in a rosy light or pretend it's something no longer relevant.

It's progress.

Some useful reading for other recovered survivors.


http://www.blueknot.org.au/WHAT-WE-D...of-child-abuse

yeah i self medicated my nonsense. and as for bullies and others nonsense I dunno i was very passive i wasnt a fighter about stuff I just drank the frustration away. but after i got sober i couldnt just do that anymore so i started to get ticked off instead. At times i realized this was my own problem at other times I realized that lashing out at others or putting them in there place or being firm about getting them to back off was something I just had to do and a skill i had to develope so that i could protect myself and keep charging forward and not be a foot stool for others to prop themselves up with etc..

I guess you could say i started figureing out how to set some boundaries. this ticked of a lot of people i guess but they started to respect them in time i was happier too. I guess I had to get a bit selfish about my well being it took many by surpise they didnt know that person in me heck neither did I.

I guess i was getting more confidence etc..

I think it's a good thing zjw. I was never one to just lay down and take it at my former jobs either, I had to stick up for myself.. one good example was when a bullying boss wanted to write me up because I had "yelled" at someone. Well, he decided against it after I made it clear that the person I had "yelled" at was doing something on the clock, publicly- that could turn customers away and also might have been a huge embarrassment and maybe even ended jobs had anyone "upstairs" gotten word of it.

So typical.

with work i always had lines i'd never allow a boss to cross. I walked off the job once cause when i queationed the boss about promises they had made (very politelly I might add) he replied if i didnt like it i could hit the F***ng road. I thought geeze thats the first and last time you'll never talk to me that way so I left. I'd never tolerate a boss calling me stupid or something like that. I had a screaming match with a superior once over that sorta thing when he went to my immediate boss to complain that i yelled back my boss sided with me and understood.

I'm just not a fighter by nature or nothing tho. I tolerate a lot generally speaking especially in the work place lots of passive aggressive stuff happens and I just try to keep charging forward. But disrespect me or something and forget it mainly becuase I dont want a boss or co worker to think i'm a door matt i have some self dignity is all.

with others tho family and friends i dunno it was like i guess everyone thought i was just always mr nice guy when inside my blood was boiling tho i'd smile and nod tell them "thats ok I dont mind" then go home and drink. ALl i really changed was i'd say "hey i didnt like that dont do that again" and well that everyones panties in a bunch how dare i speak that way. But i was polite and matter of fact but no one had ever seen that side of me heck I never did either.

I politely told my father i did not want to eat dinner with his wifes kids one night. He kept probing I then politely and as nicely as possible told him why. Oh no it was on next ya know the roof was about to blow off with the yelling *sigh* i never wanted that outcome but I no longer could just smile and nod all the time tolerate all sorts of stuff and just cope with booze later.

For me it was easier to set the boundary now on this side of sobriety so that there wasnt much to cope with later.

It's a life's work to learn about these things. I really only rather recently figured out that I have real trouble drawing boundaries and this can encourage others to feel justified in hurting me or treating me poorly. Doesn't exactly restore any faith in humanity.
I suppose it makes sense since growing up my boundaries were violated many ways before I even had a chance to fathom what a boundary was- I was violated emotionally and physically every day for many, many years.

I'm glad you posted this cuz I've been struggling with it. I'm at 80 plus days and I am struggling with moments of rage. We have a workplace bully who really makes it a challenge to be cool and level headed. I'm trying! It's all about those boundaries. I'm trying to learn how to set 'em without being too passive or aggressive. It is hard for me to find the balance between the two.

Hi sleepie,

I really liked your OP. Learning about personal challenges in an autonomous way from a variety of sources and taking responsibility for what we do and do not allow is also a sort of code by which I live my life. Also, not everyone benefits from the same type of help and it is very important to find what works and not invest too much energy and time (and get drained) on what obviously does not have an effect is is perhaps destructive. Also, I think that there are certain areas where external help can be useful and other areas where it won't be effective and we pretty much are better to find ways to help and soothe ourselves in healthy ways.

I relate to the boundary issues you have brought up. Not exactly the way you are describing, my pattern is more a dual kind of thing: a tendency for having either too massive boundaries (well, probably more precise to call those walls) or, usually in very selective and specific ways, wanting to drop all guards intentionally... I agree that it is challenging to learn to do in a balanced way as adults for those of us who did not have good examples early in life. But it is an interesting challenge, for me at least... definitely a process that won't happen overnight.

Congrats on approaching 9 months of sobriety! :)

Sleepie, I know you'll do well despite your rocky start in life. You are smart and talented. Believe in yourself. :hug:

Thanks guys.

HopeandFaith, one thing I learned to do way back when was to try and "play dead" around these types. Just let 'em roar at you, try and ruffle your feathers and keep any communications to a minimum. They will eventually move on. When they are storming around in a lather every now and then they can get a rude awakening. It is really not living to have to be someone else at work, or anywhere really. I'm not interested in it. So I am not settling for anything people/things/jobs etc. that make me feel as if I need to have a facade.

Ah! At the same time...

I realized recently- I have a lot of good qualities! This is huge. Because, I cannot just give away the best parts of myself. That can no longer happen. I feel sad at having to feel stingy about my personal gifts like a sense of humor or generosity, or even my small amount of creativity. I learned the hard way many times over that it will be taken for granted if not treated properly. Again, boundaries. My way was to simply be friendly towards everyone and be my "best" self all the time.

Sadly this just isn't wise.

Yeah don't sow your pearls to the swine comes to mind i.e. don't give the best of yourself and drain yourself to those that take advantage or just don't care etc.. Invest your best with better folks then that.

I had never even heard of that zjw but go figure I was at a loss for good influences.

I hope to hear more.

I didnt make that one up tho thats from the bible lol

mathew 7:6
Do Not Judge
…5You hypocrite! First take the beam out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. 6Do not give dogs what is holy; do not throw your pearls before swine. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces. 7Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.…

for what its worth that verse came to mind a lot to me in early sobriety. especiallyt he pearls to the swine thing.

I have a bad habit of just giving whomever the benefit of the doubt giving them the best of me and then having them promptly turning around and crapping on me then i sit there baffled how this coudl happen i was so nice etc... *sigh*

now I hold back some so i dont get crapped on.

The benefit of the doubt is not a thing I am doing anymore.

yeah i'm not always so good at when to do it and when not too. gets me into trouble. Its a good thing too i guess at times too. But I dunno I guess i went go through phases where i'm simply cold.

sleepie I wish you could try to focus more on this way of thinking . Don't let the b******* from the past win .
Sorry to see your avatar is black again.

Hi guys. Thanks Aussie. It's a task, because there are what can only be called adult bullies that will try and keep others down, I find this especially true as a female. There are intimidation tactics, projection, passive aggressive behaviors or at the end of the day, just make fun of a woman's looks if nothing else works. I saw this in more than one work place and also in life. Just look at our politicians or athletes for instance and you'll be sure to hear comments reducing females to their appearance instead of their accomplishments. It's sad and discouraging. It's hard to steel yourself against it all every single day. It's hard to have no choice but to have to mentally bolster yourself each and every day.

I always liked this story

“Your beliefs become your thoughts,
Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions, Your actions become your habits, Your habits become your values, Your values become your destiny.” ~Mahatma Gandhi


Another good one

Lately I have been really... brave or something. I wore a dress several times this week and walked around in public. I made myself go it alone. You all know I have huge social anxiety from being tormented and ridiculed about my looks all growing up by literally everyone. Thing is, a lot of people will be all "Oh you should just wear whatever you want as long as you feel good you look good"... yeah right, then they turn around and say something awful or judge another person. This is only encouraged by social media.

Anyway I walked out for coffee and tried my best not to care but I did feel like running home and hiding. I don't know if this is a victory of any kind. I put my hair up and even put on some make up. I had argyle socks with a brightly colored dress, it's just my personal thing... I even wore make up. I got some sideways looks but ignored it and I can't say I wasn't scared and uncomfortable. I also got a lot of approval from a few acquaintances later in the week when I dressed up again... which made me really uncomfortable because I feel no different inside than I did when I had pants, biker boots and a shaved head. I don't like the approval for shallow attributes. They kept saying how different I looked. It was very strange to me.

Maybe it's the artist in me, I feel I see a lot of things others just don't, and I sometimes sadly let the mainstream ideals and ugly opinions color my world and my personal vision is so much more fun for everyone, I swear...

I dress for comfort , I live is a small town so no one really dresses up here. Never have bothered with make up either, my husband hates it, lucky for me I don't have to make the effort and the money I have saved over the years not buying any. LOL.

Good on you for getting out there sleepie! :scoregood

I've always known you have a lot of good qualities, Sleeps. Glad you realized it too. :-)

I think the more you get out there and do things that are normally outside your usual, the more you'll be comfortable with it all.

D.

P.s. I live in dresses and heels. I'm such a girly girl. :)

Thanks Delf! As for the other stuff... how on earth can you??? LOL I have to have a shoe suitable for walking or I don't feel right.... even in a dress I have only laced up boots but never a heel

being a women probably doesnt help matters.women are harder on each other for appearance type stuff then men top that woemn a womens built in desire to look good and its a double whammy.

how does your BF feel about your appearance? Sometimes we can be our own wort critc then others dont help matters but our partners might think we look just fine. My wife complains about her appearance fine with how she looks however but i guess that wont change how she feels tho.

getting out there is important for me its like if i'm going out to be around the living i'm ok so long as i do that sorta consistently. But as soon as i'm mr shutun for a while forget it i dont wanna leave the house and I have a hard time doing so. a simple run around the neighborhood becomes a chore.

as far as dressing nicer goes I dunno. since i slimmed down I thought ya know I could probably dress in some killer clothing and pull it off now but man i'd feel funny dressed like that its jut not me so jeans and a tshirt it is as usual stains holes? pff who cares.

Hi zjw. He doesn't really seem to care one way or the other. It's really just all costume to me, I never got any particular thrill out of dressing up unless it was interesting or fun, I never dressed to get attention or project anything, just to feel good and basically be myself. I'm really uncomfortable with any kind of attention over my appearance. BF is tees and jeans every day but I hate it when he wears stains its gross. He's a goober sometimes and will wear like black socks and shorts but I find it funny and that's his personality so I like it ok. But yes feeling weird is a thing that happens if you're not used to it. I'm already weird so I don't need to feel it lol. When I was young I had a punk style and other women I came across who did as well but they were still very conformist. I'd be kind of "But we're punk chicks, fight the norm. Why are you trying so hard to be skinny/sexy, why are you obsessing over boys... Isn't being punk all about bot caring about any of that and being weird and not sorry about it?". Then I realized most people are phony and boring. So I went on my weird way.

yeah dress for me is more or less is this comfortable? yes ok i wear it. how it looks and such is meaningless. I will however not like walk out of the house in pajamas or someting id o have slight standards lol.

if i'm going somewhere signficant i'll try and wear a nicer shirt by nicer i mean no holes or stains that sorta thing lol. and I'll dress up if i have too and hate it every step of the way lol.

I hope to be buried in jeans or something one day. preferably no box just wrapped in a sheet under a tree in a field lol but they'd never allow that these days lol. Or just let the buzzards get me I dont care lol.

you sound like you just march to the beat of your own drum with dress and such.

some stuff i'm neurotic about after much trial and error i wear this weird shoe or soemthing yes sorry just how i am rarara.

zjw there are funerals just like what you described and I know someone who's relative had one- a "green" burial and they were buried by a tree or something not a graveyard and headstone or such. As for buzzards I think I read awhile back that some buddhists will set their deceased on a mountainside somewhere for that was well, look up "sky burial".

I have always marched to my own beat, I guess in this way I have always lived "authentically". True to the nature of doing so, some are highly offended by this and would try and stop it. The few who actually get it are thank goodness quite good company.

I have a friend who is like this as well. he tends to roll his own way and people get sooo angry with him. I've watched it play out over the years. various jobs and so on and here is why i think others get so angry with him the ones that do anyhow.

IN his case they are trying to influence his course. they are trying to knock him off kilter or get him to try and march to the beat of there drum. Its almost always someone elses self serving agenda. Then they get so angry with him pick anything to tare him apart with and he did nothing he was just rolling along living his life. But there egos got crushed becasue they where unable to get him to bend etc... Life has been a struggle for him as well in this regard. People dont understand him people dont always get it etc.. He is also the creative artist type.

Its like people got very angry with him like they where not getting through to him why is he so stubborn why is he being so impossible when all he was ever doing was being himself. He was not being any of those things.