Wreckage of the past
 

I've been accused of a wrong that I often committed when I was an active alcoholic. Ironically, just this one time, the accusation isn't true. But there's no trust, and why should there be.

It's a terrible thing that I can only blame myself for having created.

And I can't even stomach trying to defend myself for this one time, knowing how often I've gotten away with the same wrong before. :(

That is a tough situation Courage. While I do not know the details of the situation, you should defend yourself. It doesn't matter that what you've been accused of is something you have done in the past and gotten away with. You're a changed person.

If you don't defend yourself, you're essentially agreeing that they are correct in their assertion when they are not. This may reinforce what they think even if it isn't true and/or lead to further and future allegations. :hug: :hug:

I'm sorry Courage - that must be rough.

Some might say wear it - it's obviously upsetting you though - I don't think you should wear it simply because you got away with whatever it is in the past.

Recovery's all about healthy relationship and self-welfare - you're not required to be a martyr or a doormat, or be dictated to by guilt or shame about things you did before you embraced recovery? :)

D

Dee's right, courage. You're not a doormat, and you're not doomed to a life of martyrdom for past mistakes. None of us are.
My heart sank when I read this because I've been in similar situations and I know the conflict going round your head but regardless of past mistakes you are not required to take the blame NOW for something you did not do. Don't get sucked into that mindset. It's deadly. Simply tell the truth to your accuser, remind them you do not drink, and leave it at that.
:hug:

I had just gotten sober and within a week was let go from a job.

There had been several complaints about my work and of smelling of alcohol.

I clean up my act and bam... get sacked. Not much I could say especially since the allegations were true.

I started my job a couple of months after getting clean. A few weeks in someone told my boss I was drinking on the job. My response was that's funny cause I don't drink. Turns out someone at my work was going to some of the same meetings as me and we all know how well that anonymity thing works.
Pissed me off all day until I realized the irony of it then I just laughed at myself. A few months earlier this might have been true so I guess I'm just getting some delayed punishment.
Anyhow people always have to have things to gossip about and if they don't they make things up. I've just learned to let it roll off my back and let my actions be the proof of my integrity.
Tell the truth and let the chips fall where they may.

The thing that's making me crazy is that my accuser is taking it as a matter of course that I should have done the deed. Expected of me.

I can defend myself but not resolve the other person's deep conviction that the behavior is not more than a person would expect of a woman like me. I will never be able to get completely beyond the consequences of the person I've been.

I thought I got off easily, but hidden price tags keep popping up.

Oh, that's really shite. I totally agree with the others about your right to defend yourself. Maybe the good that might come of this situation lies not so much in changing what this other person thinks, but in you letting go of the past - which is manifesting as shame - by exercising your right to defend yourself.

Another thing - you haven't done whatever it is this person is accusing you of, so obviously there is no evidence. Accusing anyone of something without evidence, regardless of their history, is a lousy thing to do.

(((hugs)))

Not everyone loves me and not everyone is going to give me a fair deal.

I hated that. I used to obsess over it. Something I couldn't fix? something unfair?
that really bugged me.

I used to think that was my fault, or due to my history but I see it happen to people who aren't alcoholics as well.

It took me quite a few years to get to a place where that stopped bothering me Courage, so I hope you don't think I'm being flippant.

I increasingly believe nowadays that what people think of me is none of my business.

I like the simplicity of that.

D

Ouch.

I find the words from 'Do It Anyway' a comfort in times like this...

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have…and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

— from Mother Teresa’s wall (adapted from Kent Keith)

I have often wondered, if situations like this come up for healing, you know ? It's almost as if, you carry this burden, and it's rooted deep into your bones, so much so, that (and I'm not talking anything "karmatic" here, ) the Universe conspires to have it resurface so that it can be brought to the light. And healed. Once and for all.

I can very much relate. And for me, I find its best served when I rip off the mask and face it bravely, square on.

It's also perfectly acceptable for you to say, "That may have been my response, behavior, etc. in the past, however, I have worked my ass off changing that. I didn't do it, and I would ask your respect in honoring this as a truth."

We are allowed to create ourselves anew everyday. Hold your head high C. You have put the work in. You have assessed all of your shortcomings more than anyone I know. You are a beautiful soul. No matter how much you'd like to convince everyone otherwise. :)

When the past calls, let it go to voicemail. It has nothing new to say.

You know one thing for sure, you got us. :hug:

Thank you everyone for the support.

I haven't really had any problem looking my defender in the eye and saying that whatever I may have done in the past, I did not do this thing.

But a flood of pent up jealousy, bitterness, anger, fear -- all rapidly changing into attempts to dismiss or control me -- have been set into a level of action in the other person that I haven't seen in many years, and it's frightening.

This situation has been the result of my choices. Drinking is not an option. I have to learn to accept this.

By defender I meant accuser in the above. I think I'm not thinking completely clearly.

courage, this really sounds more about their past with you than your current present. . .
you have earned your sobriety and the peace that comes with it the hard way--nobody has a right to compromise that for any reason.

If their own issues are bubbling up to the surface, what's that your business, dear friend?

Thanks Hawkeye. But when you've lived with someone most of your life, their business is your business. :-/

I can defend myself but not resolve the other person's deep conviction that the behavior is not more than a person would expect of a woman like me.

that might well be so, courage.
it's for the other person to grapple with their deep conviction that a 'woman like you' is set in stone. it speaks loudly not just to mistrust, no matter how "earned" that may be, but also to fear of opening the door just a tad.
that part cannot be solely about what you repeatedly did in the past.

as far as defending yourself...i'm trying to imagine the situation, the conversation, the pain.
i'd hope i wouldn't defend as such, but be able to just repeatedly, if necessary, give a calm "i didn't do it" response without going into how yeah i did it in the past but not now and i've changed and...blahblahblah. just a dignified "i didn't".

I can defend myself but not resolve the other person's deep conviction that the behavior is not more than a person would expect of a woman like me.


what matters ultimately (and i'm not trying to minimize) is that YOU are/get resolved in the conviction that more than past crappy pattern CAN be expected of a woman like you, a sober woman changed and changing.

That would require a level of trust in myself that I would say at best has only a toehold in me.

I won't drink, though.

Thanks, Cow, fini, AO, beccy, Dee, hawkeye, Tooshabs, strategery, brynn, ken33xx, & esinger-- thanks everyone. But nobody's laying down defenses. That ship never even left the dock. The rules didn't change just because I got sober, & I forgot the rules. This is all about acceptance of what I can never change and recognizing what I can salvage for myself.

I won't drink, though.

And this, is the most important part of all. :c011:

Courage :hug:

D

I agree with AO about viewing this as an opportunity. If you have lived with this person most of your life and the laying down of defenses boat has never left the dock, then I think Cow is spot on that this is what this is needed.

What have you to lose? A relationship that isn't built on trust? Your sense of indebtedness? His or her resentment and festering wounds? Our minds can easily persuade us that letting our defenses down is a bad idea; that they are there to protect us from harm. Sometimes that may be true, but if this is a significant relationship that you intend to remain in I can't see how these defenses will protect you from anything other than having a trusting and real relationship in which the two of you can grow and love without fear. It may sound facile, but you might like to consider doing a pros and cons list of the advantages and disadvantages of letting these defenses down. Don't underestimate you own Courage xxxxx

Tooshabs, you're sweet. But it's not *my* defenses at this point. Remember, I surrendered. I'm lying here with my soft underbelly pretty well exposed. I just made the false assumption that the display would be more welcome than it is. I should have known better, I did know better. It was stupid. I'm not drinking. I'll deal.

Oh, I see. I must have missed that. But I will say this, it was not stupid at all. You should be proud of yourself. I have let my defenses down a couple of times with family members and it's been taken as some kind of attack and responded to with venom - just the mode they are set in.

At least we get to represent our truth. I think it's worth it. For me, I am learning that I need to confront things as they arise, rather than 'eat punches' and hoping (in vain) I'll be able to just suck it up. It does sound like maybe you need to take a step back. I'm sorry about the hurt you're feeling.

The second use of the word accept holds realizations and hopefully truths in the serenity prayer for me- Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

Painful but unavoidable, perhaps. Consequences - yes.

Thoughts for you friend....

Courage, I just thread this thread. I don't have time to adequately respond.

Just want to send you love, dear courage, and to tell you that I think that you are fantastic.

*beeping reversing truck noise*

looks like I got the wrong end of the stick as to what this thread is about - my apologies Courage.

I will say tho - trust can be regained...reputations can be healed. Forgiveness is available for everyone - even self-forgiveness.

Everytime I think I'm as grown as I will be, I end up growing some more.

The journey continues :)

I have faith that whatever this speedbump is, you'll get through it :)

D

I don't have anything to add here, Courage, wish I did.

I do hope you find peace about things, though.

:hug:

I can't see how you got the wrong end of the stick, Dee, but that beeping reverse noise was cute :-)

Beccybean - I loved what you posted re Mother Theresa. Sent shivers up my spine.

"Acceptance of what we cannot change." Yep, this is something I find that I need to keep soaking in. Oddly, it seems to be the most liberating thing there is.

Yes! :)