I think that your story is the most significant thing, and the drinking and giving up drinking might be an offshoot of having your story embraced and understood by yourself and other people.

I can totally relate. I was spat on, pushed around, felt fairly inhuman in my silly little town. You know, small towns, silly self-important 'end all' ideas about the world. Because I'm half Jewish and my father has an edgy east coast thing, people would ask me if I was from Boston. The first time I felt really a person was when I left my own culture and traveled. Drinking sort of coincided with that in my early 20s. An ecstasy of escape. Even now, I view local morays and contextualize them as a local culture that locals cannot read.

I think the risk for me, the worst part of it, was that I'm a sociable person. I like people. And being not liked or just feeling fringy and pushed around took a real psychological toll. I started to take society's side against myself. I think this is part of my drinking, but it's sort of an independent phenomenon as well.

Right now, I'm trying to crawl out of it and recapture some good feelings about myself, but it's really hard AND not everyone can relate to this experience. Even really super intelligent people can not know how to listen, and recovery culture is not immune to that.

Venecia I agree, I think part of what you said is maybe bordering on self compassion which is a Buddhist idea I am trying to remind myself of doing.
davaidavai, well said. You really put it into words, I am the same! I actually prefer to be around people because I love to learn about them and their lives and stories, it's like I am still learning about the world this way. And yet I have every reason to never want to talk to another person again, it's really twisted up in my desire to be around others and intense anxiety over humiliation and criticism which I had heaps of for over half my life by peers as well as family.
And no matter the intelligence level, these are not things everyone can understand- I swear I said this very thing to my boyfriend today.
And it can really, really lonely because of that.

I think in my 20's, I had maybe three drinks total. Then I moved away from home around 31 and became an alcoholic around 33 during my divorce. No one put the bottle in my mouth and made me an alcoholic, I did that. I am a pretty shy person and I started to go out with friends around 33, 34 and I thought alcohol helped me become more social. I thought I was too boring without it and I needed it so people would like me when we went out. Also, I thought I needed alcohol to numb all the pain but it almost destroyed me. I turned 39 in May and I can deal with things with a clear mind. I'm also pretty funny without alcohol. :) I like the sober person that I am much better than the drinking one.

Hi Sleepie - I never really drank until I was 25 but I did smoke a lot of dope from around age 15.

I too was a responsible kid who got tired of trying to ignore his pain and the ever burgeoning weight of being responsible.

In the beginning at least, booze ticked all the boxes for me.

D

I appreciate all the shared experiences here.

Sorry to hear about your youth but the only thing you can do is leave it behind and be the best you, moving forward. High school had an effect on us all but it was a measly four years; a small fraction of our lives so take it for only that. Best of luck to you and stay positive.

I can relate I dont think iw as hated on as badly by my peers as you seem to describe in yout situation but all through highschool i had a few nerd friends then i moved ont o just having a couple friends to get high with etc..

I never had that normal growing up stuff. it was rare iw as allowed to have a friend over or go to a friends house. I was always in trouble date? forget it it wasnt allowed even if a female woulda been interested in me heck if i even had the social skill to interact with one properly I prolly still dont have that skill and i'm married go figure.

Even having the part time job for me stunk beuase everything I earned had to go to pay my high school tuition because my parents forced me to go to a private school and foot the bill myself ::scratches head::

I also missed out on an entire youth myself. lifes short and to basicly say that chunk of 15-20 years depending on how you wanna slice it was crap and like sadly time I"ll never get back stinks to say the least. Even having kids now I have to still ask myself what would a normal parent do? I dont have good examples.

My social skills are not very good I as never allowed to interact. And when i did i had just endured a beating or a&& chewing session so i was not in a realy happy mood like ever.

I think i had anxiety issues from day one but my upbringing just made it worse. I didnt start late on drugs and drinking tho. I got started as soon as possible! I was swipen from the liquor cabinet by 12 and drinking any time i could from then on. Got my first bag of dope at 13 or so and couldnt wait to give it a try. I was already smoken cigarettes etc...

I just wanted something to help me feel good and to cope with the hell that was going on at home and in life etc...

once hte hell at home was done I had big people problems i was an adult now what? how do i cope with real world problems I had no idea so i kept pouring down the booze and doing the drugs. I just assumed this is what everyone did those where the exampels I had and I hate to say it an AWFUL lot of people have some form of a chemical crutch in order to get through life. So it seemed pretty normal to me.

I just figure I've started phase 2 of my life I"m at the other end of the extreme now. the one everyone loved to make me feel bad about becase I was not on that end. Ya know "why dont you quit those smokes" or "why dont you slim down" or "why dont you stop that drinking" or whatever they all feel is wrong with you and it just makes you feel worse then you already do. Now these very same people tend to try and straighten up around me and get uneasy themselves around me. They see this lean healthy guy who got it together more then likly a lot better then they got it together and well it makes them even more uncomfortable it stinks when they dont have someone around to prop themselves up with anymore I'm no longer everyone elses foot stool etc.. I just shake my head about it really oh well.

the point is no matter how bad stuff is there is a total flip side we can get too.

I keep reading about how opposites define each other. You cant have good without bad or perfection without imperfection etc.. I think you can get to the flip side and be at a point where you find a way to appreciate both sides and be happy for them becuase you cant have one without the other.

Thanks for that long insightful post zjw.

Hmmm.... you just reminded me, as things seem to keep coming back at me these days. It was rare I could have any of the few friends I had growing up over, especially in the jr.high years. I had maybe one person I hung out with. And one who told me not to tell anyone we hung out a few times.
I didn't realize until later that it was because one of my parents might need to have a tantrum or beat someone in the house (pets included) at any moment.

Hey Sleepie. I am sorry to hear that. It does sound a bit mean what you described and young people especially can be very insensitive. Some great responses in your thread here I must say. I agree with what Scott said initially, he was quite on the money in that we all come from a different set of circumstances and have our own crosses to bear. No matter where we stand there will always be others both more and less fortunate than ourselves at any point in time, so the only thing that's important really is what lie's ahead of us (it took me a very long time to understand and begin to accept this for myself, but I am getting there now).

It remind's me of the Alan Watts dude with his what I believe are Buddhist idea's, such as 'explaining things by the past are really a refusal to explain them at all' and 'like the wake of a ship fades out in the distance, if you look to the past for an explanation you will never find it there'. I must say that as far as quips go, those are helpful ones IMO (and he was awesome at that as an aside). Of course he or anyone else never said that we shouldn't examine our past. With a view to understanding, accepting and resolving what has caused us pain I guess, and I know that's what you are doing here now so I am all for it. I've been doing a lot of the same myself and it has proven beneficial towards my progress. Just my little contribution for what it's worth. Hope you are well Sleepie, best regards.

Hi Sleepie, this is an interesting topic you have started.

It was a revelation to me, when I started reading on SR, the number of people who developed alcohol problems in their 30's.

I had my first drink at 14 years old and by the time I was 16 it was clear (not to me....) that me and alcohol made a very bad duo.

I did not have a great childhood, my father was an epic hoarder (not only did I not have friends over, I did every thing I could to hide where I lived from the other kids). Then in junior high school I was bullied. This was back before bullying was really identified as a problem so I was told by the school counselor and principal to "stand up to the bullys" when I simply had no tools to deal with this on my own.

I have always felt like I am on the outside looking in. Even today.

Back when I sobered up the first time, in my mid 20's, I came across a button that said "It is never too late to have a happy childhood". Until I came across this thread I had forgotten that little gem.

I am now 56 years old and I have been thinking a lot about my early history since I stopped drinking 6 months ago. I know I haven't faced those demons yet. This is my biggest challenge but likely my best chance at remaining sober and having a chance at a happy now.

I hope you can be softer on yourself ((((Sleepie))))

Thanks guys. 2ndhadrose we have some things in common, I looked at your profile. Also you look great if that little pic is you!
Were you a heavy drinker?

I am glad that bullying is a recognized issue these days because it really does destroy lives. I am so deeply saddened when I read of yet another child who has taken their own life due to being bullied. I wonder too, will the bullies be able to live with themselves after such an outcome?
I just praise goodness sometimes that there was no internet when I was growing up because I really don't think I would have done well with that.

I didn't drink until my 30's too, well late late 20's. But the drinking became out of control in my 30's. It started with me trying to cope with having a stressful job in child welfare. Big mistake, obviously.

I can say that one thing I have learned on my journey is that alcoholics often feel alone in the crowd. A lot of our stories are similar to yours.

Hi Sleepie! Thank you for the kind compliment :tyou

Yes, I did drink heavily. I realize now that I had been moderating the number of nights a week that I allowed myself to drink but on my drinking nights, I drank until I was pretty much obliterated.

Once I had my first drink there was no stopping until I was ready to pass out. And I was always able to keep up with the hardest drinker in the room, sad to say.

I dread every time I see another news story about bullying. And, like you, I am so thankful the internet didn't exist when I was going through it because I am not sure that I would have survived it.

I sure am happy that we both have made our way here to SR! :grouphug:

Newday 79 that sounds very difficult. That sounds like a really hard job, way back, I knew someone who's wife was in the same field.

2ndhandrose I am actually impressed you could moderate the days. It was every day and heavy for me. For so long.

Hi Sleepie, I see where you're coming from, but I've seen things a bit differently when it comes to the age of other alcoholics. I am one of those who got shoved into recovery at age 21 when I was in college. However, at the time, I felt like I was the only young alcoholic out there because most people in rehab were middle aged and the few young ones who were there were all there as junkies rather than alcoholics. And when I attended AA , everyone seemed much older than me when they started having issues. It was hard for me to relate early on.

I think alcoholism definitely sets in around the later adult years for most people and not all people have their crazy years in college. There's a perception of alcoholism being an old man's problem for a reason, although it's an inaccurate one. I think if you look closely, you'll see there's more like you who started late than you think.

I started at 16 and drank until I was 46. I knew I was an alcoholic when I was 18. I started drinking everyday when I turned 21. I wasted a lot of time. I'm still "unpacking" after 4 years of sobriety.

Didn't touch a drop til I was 19, wish I'd never started

Drank in my 20's, not everyday or every week or...well, I didn't really think about how often I drank. But when I drank, I did it to get drunk.

The real drinking didn't begin until I was 30 or so. Every night until I passed out. At some point in my mid-30's things shifted around some and I became a binge drinker. Probably because of work, I knew I couldn't keep drinking like that every night and expect to be able to hold down a job.

Anyway, once the shift to binge drinking was complete I was still drinking roughly the same amount of booze weekly as I was when I was drinking daily, but it was compressed into a two or three day time period. The hangovers/withdrawals after those multi-day drinking sessions were gawd-awful, and would last right through my work week until I was finally starting to feel a little better by my next days off, whereupon I would again get my drink on. Very dark days, those were.

Thanks for your input guys :)

Hey OP, I can totally relate to you. I was a straightedge guy all through high school and college, never drank a drop of alcohol. Even when I turned 21, at I believe 23/24 I had my first beer (this is after college) and some liquor.

It wasn't until I was 26 that I started drinking heavy. It went from a glass of liquor to occasionally to cut nighttime stress/help me sleep, to 4 or 5 glasses of wine EVERY night (sometimes more).

This came off the heels of a very bad breakup I had back in 2012 and has lead to where I am today.