My husband I are both alcoholics. We've both since quit drinking together and we've been doing great. Working the steps, reading the daily meditations and prayers, and going to AA meetings. But we were talking about the steps and we were both wondering, can't we be each other's sponsors? We are always there for each other and when one of us starts to crave a drink the other is there for support and guidance to overcome that urge. So I just wanted to get other people's opinions on if you do or do not think your significant other can be your sponsor. Thanks

which one of you has worked the steps with someone who understands how to work those steps and who can read the big book with you line by line, knowing the history of AA and how things are?

I'd suggest finding your own sponsors and be each part of eachother's support network

Quite frankly I think it's a bad idea. My concern centers on problems that have to do with the mixing of roles. There are a host of potential pitfalls.

You already have each other as a resource, why not have one more (who is also more objective).

I totally see both points of view. We have numerous resources at our disposal and a very close family friend who has done the steps, runs her own AA meeting and is there 24/7 if either of us need her. We were just debating it's pros and cons and wanted others opinions :)

Yeah I'd weigh in on the side of other sponsors, what happens if one of you relapses?

. . . a solid external foundation may be required to keep you both focused on Sobriety and the task at hand!!

I talk to my sponsor about wife issues on a regular basis so for me it would never work

no

Agree. Not a good idea at all.

I have to agree with the others. Its playing with fire ! Its best to have a sponsor that has no preconceptions or biases and as well, has a decent stint in sobriety

I would never want to share everything of the past with my wife. Although my life today is no big secret.
MM

Absolutely no way. You need someone who knows how to work the 12 steps in good weather and in bad. You need someone you can talk to when the $%^& hits the fan. And when your sig other drinks, say buh bye to your sobriety!

I agree with the above. Definitely NOT a good idea for many reasons.

A sponsor is more than someone to talk to - you can still be there and talk things through (including Steps stuff) when you want to. A sponsor needs to have worked the steps and know how to guide someone else through them.

My sponsor can get away with pushing me / saying things (that I need) in a way that would generally lead to disagreements if it was my other half as there's to much vested emotional interest there.

Plus you'd be missing out on the opportunity to get a new, unbiased perspective on things.

I really don't think being each others sponsors would be 'keeping it simple' by any stretch of the imagination.

People grow in AA at different rates especially in the early days. This makes for enough tension without the sponsorship aspect. One will be going too fast and think the other needs to do more, while the other will be feeling pressured.

Better to have seperate sponsors who have no emotional stake in your progress.

sounds like a BAD idea to me.

I don't think it is a good idea either for all of the above plus it could really be an open gate for some very unhealthy codependent behaviors.

a sponsor's roll is to guide one through those 12 steps

in this situation, have either one of you worked those steps or know how to guide one through them?

step one is the front of the big book through page 43....the second step is ____ and the third is _____ and so on......

On a particularly gorgeous evening a long time ago towards the end of a gathering of friends in my home, two young men sat on a balcony having a conversation that I will never forget. As I walked by I heard a physical description of a woman, alongside whom one had sat on a recent trans-atlantic flight, along with the qualifier "the kind of woman you would want to ravage."

I walked up to his chair, took his favorite pipe from his hands and lobbed it as far as I could into the night sky. Then turned around and went to bed.

That constitutes a lover's spat between myself at the time and the young man who would become my husband. All these many years later life has gotten no less complicated. There is not a chance in the world that I could honestly, dispassionately coach him through recovery/sobriety and vise versa.

I'm not an AA 12-stepper, but this reminds me of an area I have been very much into and which came up many times in my life, and I have been on both sides. The question could be: can a close friend or significant other be our effective psychotherapist or psychiatrist? I have been good friends with and also dated a good number of people in these fields because mental health is also one of my primary interests and my own profession now. The answer, for me, is no. I would say, if they can be unbiased enough to play the role well, then the intimate relationship is probably not intimate enough... and if it is, then trying to detach from a partner in order to be able to be such a guide may harm the relationship. What I do believe though, and like very much, is discussing issues, developments, ideas, dissecting how things go, and if there is a high level of mutual trust, it can work wonders... but it's very different from a hierarchical sponsor-sponsee or psych-patient relationship that, in my mind, is more like a teacher-student relationship even if there is a lot of what's called transference in it. I personally would not even want to share a sponsor or a therapist with my significant other, I think it would get in the way of the efficacy if for nothing else, on the level of mental processes in the head.

Hi,
My husband and I are both in recovery. He has 7 years prior to mine. His Sponsor told him to "sit on his hands" and let you wife's recovery be her own. Ken will tell me from time to time how challenging this advice was to follow. I believe it is sound advice.
There is not a single day that recovery, Steps, Meetings, etc is not a part of our conversations. It's a passion we both share....hell it brought us together again!! We have 2 weekend meetings we attend together. And I have my meetings in the day when he's at work. He has evening meetings he attends without me.
All the best to you and your wife,
:ring. Bobbi

Bad idea, because so much other stuff can get mixed up in sponsorship. Best to find an objective, impartial sponsor who is always on your side. I tried it briefly, having a friend sponsor me, and it just didn't work.