When I first got sober and attended many meetings, a nice woman my age reached out to me after I shared at a meeting, I was not in a place where I was considering relationships, but she asked me to coffee with a group of people and after a couple weeks of this she asked me if I had a sponsor, and I told her I hadn't found anyone. She offered to work the steps with me until I could find someone permanent and I didn't see the harm. There was an obvious attraction between the two of us at that point, we were both 24, but she had 3 and a half years sober at that point, and looking back, that's where a problem began.

I had always thought she was gorgeous, but I can say, truthfully, that I did not want a relationship when we first met. It wasn't until a month after we had been meeting one-on-one that we began to hook up. I won't bore you with the details, but this went on for another two months, and we were basically in a relationship. We were both way too insecure (myself especially, because I was raw coming out of rehab) for something like that, we "broke up" and I found out through a mutual acquaintance that she had a relapse two weeks after that. She called me afterwards and was basically using alcohol as a weapon against me, if that makes sense. It reminded me of a friend I went to rehab with who would use alcohol as a weapon against his wife, threatening to drink if there was ever a fight. They were both alcoholics.

My vote? Poor idea.

I don't think either of ya's would like it at 5th step time.And how would either of ya be able to assist on how to do the 4th step not knowing anything about it?

Sure you can be each others sponsors!!!!
But I don't think there would be a good outcome.
How would either of ya's be able to guide each other through the steps not knowing what they are about? How would either of you be able to explain to they other how the principles of the program are applied to your lives when ya haven't applied them?
Ok, so a lil harshness:
Doing that's a cop out. Letting fear make the decision to not find someone else to sponsor either one of ya's.

I'm serious about the 5th step thing. I've heard of marriages and relationships broken because someone thought what a greAt Idea to do the 5th with their spouse.

Sponsor should be of the same sex. Period

MM

MM - I dont believe that for a second.

Yeah I'm also one who does not think that "same sex" is always the best in these scenarios. I agree that there may be general trends and situations that are more likely to work well for most people, but there are exceptions and this may be best judged on an individual basis. I'm saying this because I believe I'm one of these... having members of the opposite sex is what has always worked best in every situation that requires a high level of trust, confidentiality, and truly transparent sharing one-on-one. Teachers, doctors, therapists, best friends... all of these. I personally never had trouble due to this, sometimes the other party had... but I could always discuss and settle it with them in an open and civil way. Also, I often actually find that I can be much more open and vulnerable with someone I'm attracted to in a personal way, and it won't and does not have to turn into a conventional intimate relationship. Yes the background drive beyond this certainly has components of a sexual instinct probably in all these situations... but I have been able to use this in a very constructive way in many situations; it can be a great source of energy and motivation to improve myself. It also relates to my childhood history, who I accepted as a caretaker and who I had confided in early in my life. I also typically get a lot of information out of these interpersonal feelings and motivations, in a good way usually (as least in my adult life). What I think (what I said earlier here) is just that someone who is already an intimate partner and our history is primarily that sort of relationship, is probably not a good partner in this type of hierarchical situation.

What I am saying is simply that while there are more universally workable solutions, we are different and it's best to judge these things being aware of both the general trends and "rules" and our individual features and experiences.

Interesting
question
can one be 100% honest with the opposite sex while discussing their past sexual sins. Not to forget that many new to recovery still carry with them unhealthy ideas that may not be fully understood by one of the opposite sex. For it is a proven fact that men and women do not think or react the same in many situations.
Bob

Again, perhaps true for majority or for a large group of people, but I'm 100% confident it's not true for everyone.

Yes!! Very much so in my case and much easier / more natural than I could do with another woman. And this is no judgment of the sexes at all, simply just my life experience. Again, this may be a specific case, but... I usually relate with men better in nearly all affairs. I find their thinking and approaching things more familiar so it's easier to discuss things because I feel I'm speaking with someone who gets it. May well be projection, but whatever it is, it works for me, and I heard similar things from a few other people as well so it's not that unique... It's all about personal history really.

This original question has nothing to do with opposite sex sponsors. Not sure how that really even fits in here. Don't get me wrong, opposite sex sponsors is not a bad suggestion, but it's just silly to think that's the only way it would work for all people. I know plenty of folks with good, long-term sobriety that have been sponsored by opposite sex. Let's just share our own experience here.




To the OP -- I sure wouldn't want my husband and I to sponsor each other. For lots of reasons.

I suggest you each find someone who has worked the steps and has what you want. As already mentioned, there's no reason you can't be there for each other but a sponsor is there to share with you, their experience in working the steps and help guide you.

For what it's worth, I don't know anyone who was sponsored by their spouse in any of my AA groups.

I've heard it's just so romance doesn't interfere with the focus on sobriety.

I vote no for the husband as sponsor.

Sharing (all) on a deep level would never be the same with my wife as it is with my male Sponsor.

Even though same sex sponsorship is not recommended in AA it still happens from time to time.

One reason for Sponsorship in AA is that the Sponsor has been though the steps and hopefully has been living a good moral life for a good period of time.

Mountainman

it didn't take long for this to get off on a tangent...

What I am curious about is the person you know (OP) who runs her own AA meetings.

Never heard of that one before...

I am in agreement with those who say it is a bad idea for a spouse to be your sponsor. Regardless of how much time they have.

True
To be a (sanctioned AA meeting)
the meeting is listed with AA Central
and listed in the AA meetings schedule
MM

I would not have my spouse as my sponsor.