Family Member Pushing Me Away After Years of Smothering
 

I'm wondering if my grandfather might be pushing me away because I've gotten sober? And because I got married. I know this sounds preposterous. I should fill in the backstory but it's so long and tedious. I come from a dysfunctional family. My grandfather was an alcoholic and finally got sober in his early 40's. My mother was an alcoholic and died at the age of 52 from complications of a drug overdose, self-induced. We can pretty much call it a suicide. My grandfather has lived most of his life in fear... he's fairly agoraphobic, and on a nice day I'd just call him eccentric. On a bad day, pushy, controlling, criticizing, emotionally and verbally abusive. He used to blow up in fits of rage. Anyway, he's mellowed out in his old age. He learned how to control himself a little better anyway. Not sure how much he actually changed. The family usually jokes that he's like a big kid. But it's not much of a joke. The entire family is consumed with hate for one another. Lovely, right?

I left home for college and never went back (I visited, just didn't move back to live there). Most of the family still lives in the same small town. I was the oldest grandchild, graduated college, hid my drinking until I couldn't hide it any longer... they always knew I was drinking, and it was always held over my head. It was the reason they'd give for any of my perceived flaws or failures in life.

I got married in 2011. I quit drinking that same year - the month I got married. I drank again approximately 6-8 months later. Then sobered up finally in April of 2013. I've been sober 1.5 years now.

My grandfather doesn't want us to visit anymore. He keeps telling us to wait until the weather "cools off" - we live in the south where it's hot and muggy, so that's a likely excuse. But he has never, ever told me this before. It is odd. This is what he'd have told non-family members or someone he didn't want to see. I know him well enough to know this is an excuse. And it hurts.

This is my grandfather, who always begged me to come visit, to come live with them during college, to move back, etc. He was constantly wanting me around them.

I am wondering if it's because I'm married, or because I'm finally sober? Does he not have anything to hold over my head in order to feel superior? I know this is sick. And it would mean that my whole life, I had family who only wanted to be near me in order to compare themselves with me. This is really sad for me.

I'm also wondering if it's because my grandmother and mother are dead... he feels no need for me to come visit?

Anyway... it's distressing me because I can't pinpoint why. My husband just doesn't understand the family, how sick they actually are, and so he tries to reason different things to figure this out... but my family isn't normal, they don't think the way he does.

I guess I need to know if this is possible. Could my grandfather actually be disowning me because he can no longer criticize me? Or does he just hate me now that I'm sober? He criticized me my whole life. I figured he'd truly be happy I got sober and stayed sober.

I dunno Jennie...it seems to be a natural process in my family...

your grandparents are there for you when you're a kid then as you get older you start to build your own life and they expect to see you less.

My favourite grandmother started telling me...it's a long way for you to come...wait til you have free time' so I did.

I probably saw my grandmothers maybe 5 times in 10 years before they died. I'm not sure there was any conscious thought on their part, their certainly wasn't on mine.

I think they just accepted I was young and building my own life.

It happened with me, and I see it happening again with my parents and my siblings kids.

In my parents case there's actually a sense of relief because they want to do more travelling and what not while they're healthy.

It maybe there's something specific behind it in your situation, or maybe not?

D

Is this Grandfather, the dad of your Mother?

I have relatives on my dad's side of the family, my dad having also died of alcoholism that now give me the cold shoulder, when I was drinking we were the best of friends, we would share many drinks together, life was great, lets all get hammered!!

But when I got Sober it started to raise questions and a sadness within them, I had gotten Sober, rebelled against the natural order of things, my dad so to speak drank himself to death, and every time they now see me they are reminded of the choice that my dad failed to make, he let alcohol take himself to the grave!!

Not saying this is the same, but your grandfather looks at you, you are the success, the Sober person his daughter couldn't be!!

Out of sight out of mind if you like, I'm only speculating, but hurt and resentment of alcohol can arise in many different forms, it was something I really needed to come to terms with when it came to my dad's side of the family!!

Yes, it's my mom's dad, PK.

The thing is, he's hammered me over the head to get sober all throughout my 20's and early 30's, you know? And so I finally did. And now when we call him to talk on the phone, he's evasive and has quit asking us to come visit. We ask when he'd like to get together (that means go there, because he's never come to my house and will never do it), and he keeps putting it off. For over a year now. So I know without a doubt, he does not want me there, and it happened suddenly.

I am wondering if he blames me for her death (indirectly)?

I had a chat with my dad's brother, my uncle one night, and he eventually got everything off his chest!! (not a great night to day the least)

He expressed the guilt that he hadn't been able to do more for his brother, he resented that alcohol had taken his life, the fact my dad in his opinion, didn't care enough about him and the rest of the family to stop drinking, he was talking from a normal drinker stance, we know different, but he was frustrated!!

. . . and here I was, his brother's flesh and blood, beating alcoholism and becoming Sober, showing it can be done, and everyday reminding him what my dad's alcohol addiction did, it took away his brother!!

Maybe your Grandfather is constantly reminded of his daughter through you in the same way!!

Sorry for your pains, Jennie.

I wouldn't as yet though draw any absolute conclusions. Not saying a discussion with your grandfather would be entirely helpful, but without asking directly of him to your concerns, perhaps you can chat a bit over the phone to gain a better perspective?

I know with my own family there are distinct distances, and although there is some bridging, its always gonna be a bit off it always has been concerning family closeness.

I hope things work out quickly enough to ease things for you and your grandfather.

It's so sad because it feels like no matter what I did, no matter what I do, it's not enough to make them love me normally. I mean, I know this. I know they don't have unconditional love for one another. It's always manipulation, jealousy, secrets, criticisms. Nothing was ever good enough.

It's like I'm yelling into this long tunnel and hearing nothing but my own echo. They're really gone. And I'm suddenly finding myself on the other end, and here's reality, real life, regular, sober people and I'm expected to be a normal, sober person and function normally. Lol. It's like a great big joke life played on me.

No, I'm not feeling sorry for myself one bit. It's just almost unbelievable to me.

I think I'm just frustrated, guys. Thanks for listening. :)

but Jennie, you don't KNOW why.

you're guessing, and getting frustrated because you seem to be thinking it's about you somehow.
but it may simply be about HIM entirely.
while you're spinning out possible reasons, how about this one: he's gone back to drinking and doesn't want you to see it?

no reason for me to suppose that's so; just saying maybe you best straightforwardly ask him why he doesn't want your visit....doesn't sound like you'd have much to lose at this point.

I guess I should clear this up. He quit drinking when he was 40. He is now 80+ :)

And another thing. I HAVE asked him why he doesn't want us there. He keeps telling me it's due to the weather conditions. Not kidding here. That is his excuse every time.

PK, thanks for your relating and suggestions. I appreciate it.

Fini, you are correct. I don't know why. Hence, the post. I was wondering if anyone could relate with their family dysfunction and offer suggestions.

I think fini's advice is good. I come from similar family dynamics as you describe and I still to this day have trouble asking straightforward questions. My default is to wonder, engage in lots of conjecture, and try to figure out what I believe to be cryptic messages or thinly veiled rejections from family members.
What if you did ask him if he blames you for your mothers death? Or if he resents you being married or being sober? I know it may not even be possible to have an open and productive dialogue when it's never been that way with you guys, but it's worth a try? I'm practicing this in my own life. It's hard because it's not a natural way of communicating for me in close interpersonal relationships where I feel vulnerable. My family was full of guessing, wondering, assigning meaning, being defensive, and telling each other how we felt.

Does your grandfather live alone still? Could he have started drinking again? Could he be depressed? Could he be hiding that he is not eating well or having difficulty taking care of himself? Is he the kind of guy that ignores health issues?

You are thinking this is about you - but it might be about him.

Sorry it's a bit upsetting for you. Why aren't families like the Brady Bunch...lol. (Although, where the hell were their Grandparents? Hmmm.)

I completely get the dysfunctional thing. I think my Father hates that my every interaction and when I tell him how I feel about something, it's a sober opinion, he can't just dismiss it and say I was drinking. He also can't get away with sarcasm or nastiness anymore with me, that I probably laughed off when drinking - so we have very limited interactions now.

With your grandfather, (which I've noticed with my Father) he could just be simply changing with age, also. Some people just don't like "entertaining" as they get older. I also noticed my grandmother (who was lovely and the sweetest woman ever) probably started to feel old in her 80s and used to tell me I had better things to do than visit her (I still did). I think she just didn't want me to see her aging and was sad she couldn't be my active grandma and do things, cook dinner etc. I know she felt like a young person trapped in an older, aging body.

Do what your heart tells you to do. It won't hurt to visit. It doesn't have to be a long one, but enough to put your mind at rest that you at least tried - because it seems from your posts that you want to.

SJ - sorry you are hurting:(

As my father aged into late 70's he behavior changed rapidly and manifested itself in what became ever increasing bizzare ways.

If I had not seen this on a weekly basis and I called after a period of time, he may have said things to me that were hurtful but really not towards me.


In other words, there were dementia issues that started as anger, resentful type behavior.

Have no idea of this might be happening with your GF??
Wonder if you just said you like to stop in by yourself one day and take him to lunch to see what's up??

Don't know distance, but even if it's a days drive might bring you answers and peace??

Again, your in our thoughts here...
Peace

Well, I asked him if he thought it was my fault for not answering her phone call that night. He says no way. He assured me it wasn't my fault.

I've asked him directly why he doesn't want us down, and it's either due to his "cold" or "the weather." He has had that same cold for years. Gimme a break. Lol. That cold was always his big whine for attention. I know him well, trust me.

The thing is, Soberlicious, I am actually the one in the family known for being direct. Again, lol. My grandfather calls it being harsh or abrasive. I've not been harsh or abrasive in any way to them. I just see through the ********. Always have. And that's why they don't want communication with me, because they don't trust me enough not to call it like I see it to their faces. It's also probably why I left the town and refused to move back. I'd had enough of the abusive treatment.

Dementia is a possibility. But he seems just as sharp as ever, so I have no reason to think it's dementia yet. He is aging and looks much older than just five or ten years ago. I'm sure the aging could have a lot to do with this. Maybe he has no tolerance at all anymore.

Honestly, I have no desire really to see him. I only feel obligation. With that family, it was always about a guilt trip. I was guilted into visiting. Always.

Maybe it's time to part ways.

It's just a tough pill to swallow... the same guy who berated me for things most of my life is now ignoring the hell out of me when I finally get my **** together. Figures.

He does live alone, yes. And has since my grandmother died in 2003. He is not drinking and as far as I know never drank another drop once he quit. He quit once and for all. And believe me, we'd have known if he was drinking!

And yeah, it's likely he's depressed. He's been anxiety ridden and somewhat depressed for as long as I can remember.

He is constantly letting us know his health issues, so he doesn't ignore them. He stays on top of them. He never let that stop me from visiting before. He loves talking about his health issues. I think it gets him attention. So that hasn't changed at all.

Jennie,

plenty of dysfunctional stuff between me and my parents, esp. me and my dad.
and oh ja, i have been direct, when i had the guts, all my life. didn't help one bit. not one!

your GF might need what you see as his BS, for reasons unknown to you.
but oh, you don't really want to see him, you say, and it's just obligation. well, how lucky you are that now he doesn't want a visit then :)

(i get the rejection thing. the feeling rejected even though you don't want to see him anyways. the perceived rejection by him even though you've rejected him for years (obligation visits, don't want to be there).
i have some of those dynamics in my family, too, and with any relief that comes when i don't "have to" see my parents, there's guilt feelings mixed in.)

Jennie, why not just accept his answers and get out of the business of mind-reading.

My "Just For Today" calendar's thought today is:

"Just for today I will not assume I know others' motivations."


I find it exhausting to worry about what other people are thinking. I have enough trouble figuring myself out.

Gee thanks, Bimini. The sentiment is appreciated.

Yeah, Fini, points taken.

Well that about wraps it up.

Pointless thread. I get it.

Like a few others, I also suspect that old age may have a big role in his attitude. Maybe fears of his health failing and/or the inevitable end that he is trying to conceal this way. My father is 83 years old and I have been noticing some remarkable changes in his thinking and behavior. He often wants to talk on the phone for long hours, but more recently finds strange excuses when I bring up the question when I should visit next (he lives far from me in a different country). That never happened before and I am pretty certain it's his changes now. He never knew about my drinking problem so it has nothing to do with my sobriety or whatnot. I actually ask him sometimes what bothers him but try not to be intrusive. He wants to speak about death and lots of existential questions and we do that over the phone.

It's not a pointless thread at all, Jennie. Of course these things bother us and make us question ourselves as well! Maybe try to talk with him via the phone or email if you can?

Thanks, Haennie. I appreciate your understanding of the reason I started this thread. It just bothers me, that's it exactly. I am trying to understand, based on the reasons he tells me and it just doesn't make sense.

We do still talk on the phone, so maybe he'll be more forthcoming at some point.

oh no, not a pointless thread at all. certainly didn't mean to imply that.

i find it fascinating how i/you can feel/be rejected when we don't even want to be with the one who's supposedly rejecting me/you.

equally fascinating/irritating/infuriating how i can hang on and on and on to that...maybe you do, too?

Definitely NOT a pointless thread. I had to cut some family members out of my life bc they were bad for me. I wasn't mean about it and I'm still respectful when we are in one of the "family" situations. I never understood why they became like they were, and after a while, I chose not to be "abused" by them or party to their manipulations. Life is so much better without all of that. I don't feel guilty about my decision one bit. My son said to me one day "just bc they are blood, mom, does not make them family." Yep, that sums it up for me.

Praying for you to find peace in this situation.

I feel myself slipping into a depression. Some of these thoughts about my family are hitting me heavy lately. So angry, yet so sad over it all. It's not so much grief anymore over my mom or grandmom. I'm surveying the damage done over the years, and just super angry at the way things turned out. Such devastation. It was quiet devastation. The family dissipated. My grandmother wanted me to be the person to hold this family together after she died of cancer. I wanted nothing to do with them. I saw every single flaw and hated them for what they did, didn't do, said, didn't say. I turned my back on them. It felt like I had to in order to save myself from becoming like them. I wanted to get far away.

I know others will be able to relate. Coming from alcoholic, dysfunctional homes. Anyway, I focused on my education, and got away and stayed away.

But now that I'm sober and the chaos is no more... there's this gaping hole. And I am trying to make sense of it all.

My mom's death was a tragedy. My grandmother died from cancer consumed with resentment and hate. My grandfather lives in fear. My mother's two siblings practically disowned her. I was the favored oldest grandchild and so I'm sure you can guess how the family feels about me, the "deserter" of the family.

I feel very sad over it all now.