Asking a Really Stupid Question About Bars
 

Hi, I am new to this and I know this is probably a really stupid question to ask, but here goes ...

My friend is a recovering alcoholic. Doesn't drink anymore. Doesn't go to bars, either!

We are planning a trip together and I have just found that the local meeting place for a group we are interested in (sports fans) is ... a neighborhood bar!

I don't drink, so I very rarely go to bars, but on the rare occasions I do go, I have no problem ordering a soft drink or just ice water.

Not sure about my friend.

Should I suggest we try to meet some of our fellow fans in this new city at their bar? Or just forget the whole thing, not mention that I saw anything about their group, and just enjoy the other parts of our planned trip?

I would ask if she feels comfortable going there or not, and if she doesn't then make other arrangements.
Also, with you being there with her and both of you not drinking, it might not be so bad, but totally their discretion though

Everyone is different ,it does not bother me at all .

If I wanted to drink ,I would - don't want to .

Firesong, I'm about 2 months into sobriety, please don't ask me to go to a bar :)
It is difficult enough without the added pressure at this point. Don't even mention it because then I would feel like I am ruining your plans. Do you see where I am coming from?

Lemme tell you how I feel about sports bars. They SUCK.

I went for pizza- it was a last minute family reunion. It was supposed to be a family pizza place. beggars pizza in chicagoland. Every seat in the place was near an obnoxious tv set on. There was no big game on- but some game was on. We were the large party in the place- yet- when I asked if they could turn the volumn down they said they could not. This was no place to have a conversation.

Needless to say- we did not go back the next time I was in town.

Hi Ho, Trigger
 

In the understatement of the year, the environment called 'A Bar' has very differents meanings to you - a non-Drinker - and her [in Recovery]. You can't be triggered there. She could be. So, ask.

Folks here post Triggers that are non-issues for me. However, there's no 'one size fits all' answer possible. Some Folks won't go down the Booze Aisle in a Drug or Grocery Store where Booze is also sold. I have no issues with it. I go to a local Sports Bar, but only for their Chicken Wings. All this moderate immunity to Triggers doesn't mean squat to the next Person because their Movie is different than my Movie.

Four months on, when I get 'stuck' somewhere with Drinkers I don't want to be around, it is not a fun evening. It's work, and I get P.O.ed at myself that I let that happen.

She'll appreciate your consideration in asking, and the evening will go much better.

ask you friend in Recovery if they are comfortable in a bar setting

if the answer is yes -- make sure that is a firm yes -- then yes

otherwise make other plans


(most) not all who I know in AA and on this site
would have no problem with a short bar visit (for good reasons)
but
we would not wish to cause one to stumble who may be weak in that situation (a terrible sin)

MM

Hey Firesong. I would tell your friend and ask him if he is comfortable with going to the bar.

I couldn't go to a bar, even for a good reason, for several years.

I still regard them as dangerous places where a relapse can occur.

Thus, if I am feeling good from a recovery standpoint and have a good reason (usually to hear a band I like), I will go.

If I don't feel good from a recovery standpoint, I find another drunk to work with.

If I am at a bar and feel dicey or threatened, I leave.

I have been sober for a few 24 hours, and I still have a very healthy fear of bars and alcohol.

Why take a chance?

It's up to the individual person ,every store I go in .
I must walk through beer displays .

I don't go to bars , it's a waste of time .

Bars are normally filled with people I don't find interesting .

Little cafe here also has a bar , have lots of get togthers there
Waitress asks people " what will you have " I say enchilads
And sprite .

While everyone drinks-I eat .

Works for me , food is good .

I had some events at bars in early sobriety. It was too much and I had to leave. I found the thoughts I would have were not normal and if I wanted to maintain my sobreity I needed to leave.

It sounds like you have a choice so why risk it...does not seem like a legitimate need to be at a bar, so I would move it if it was me.

I don't think this is a question you should be asking us, as we all obviously feel differently. It's a question you should be asking your friend. You seem to be very accepting either way, so I can't imagine them feeling pressured.

We're not mind readers, and I myself don't like when others makes decisions for me. Especially without even asking how I feel about it.

The majority of my friends ,coworkers and yes family too don't know the troubles I have had .

But they have all seen many long time periods of me not drinking ,I suspect they think I don't drink when im training .

So its not abnormal for me to not drink ,The odd work schedule also is a factor .
When we have a get together for close friends and family at the café with a bar .

And people ask why im not having a beer ,Ill say "I have to be at work in 6 hours "
That normally ends the asking why I wont have a beer .

When non-drinking becomes the norm ,people wont ask .

But I would ask the individual person if it would bother them .
If it did ,I would not pressure them to go to a bar .

If I was bothered by going to a bar ,and someone insisted on going ,id normally respond with "Okay we will go to your environment tonight ,tomorrow we will go to my environment ,the boxing gym ", You agree to the workout and ill drink with you tonight "

I think like everyone else says, just ask. For me, bars don't bother me and at times I have to go for work (client conferences) even though it is not my preferred place to be. I just don't like hanging out with drunks but then it is a good reminder of where I was.

Talk to your friend. If it was me or a lot of the people i hang around with it would be no problem, you could drink or not it would make no difference at all.

But there are a tonne of recovering alcoholics out there who would **** themselves at the thought of a night like you describe so find out which one your friend is before they commit.

Good question to ask, as we discussed in another thread, is does he/she ever think about drinking anymore and does he/she have to avoid places that server alcohol? If you get a yes to this or anything other than a firm no then dont put them in the bar scenerio.

Actually now i have written the last paragraph none of this should be your problem at all, i know you are being kind but it's not like you are childminding and looking after a child with a peanut allergy and frightened if they go somewhere with you they might end up eating a peanut. I assume we are talking about an adult so throw it out there and then see if they want to come, you shouldnt really need to change your plans to accommodate this unless you are doing so because it is just you and your friend going?

Anyways make sure you have fun:-)

I second this!

I used to go to them all the time for the "environment." When I got sober, I quickly the environment I thought I liked was in reality just as AnyKey described above. You may think you are going there for a discussion type of "meeting" but in reality it will just be loud and hard to understand eachother and most who are there will probably be drinking and/or drunk - which makes voices even louder!

I notice that as well ,Places that have a lot of loud sounds are not very peaceful to me .

I as well normally see a few drunk people there ,making fools of themselves .

Bars are a pretty good environment to get into a fight as well .
Not what I need with a job that requires a spotless criminal record .

Hi, I don't think it's a silly question at all, I much like Karate simply do not want to drink so it also does not bother me at all, if I did want to drink I would, but everyone is different and there approach to these situations may well vary dramatically. I think your friend has to know its a bar for meeting in and let your friend decide if he or she is at that point yet where a bar is just another place.

We seem to be very lucky in that aspect .

Some people really have a hard time with that .