Working out if I have a problem/newbie
 

Hi all,

This is my first post here.

I'm in the process of working out if I have a drinking problem. Well, I know I do, of some sort, but I'm not entirely sure what it is, and if what I'm dealing with could be a precursor to alcoholism.

I know you guys can't advise me medically speaking, but perhaps you can offer me some thoughts based on your own personal experiences.

I'm a 29 year old woman with a good job and people in my life that I care very deeply for and who care for me.

I'm not addicted to booze, that is, I don't have a physical dependency and I don't need to drink everyday. I'm also able to drink in moderation.

The concerns are these: I have found myself using alcohol more frequently to self-medicate social anxiety, general anxiety and issues in my now ex-relationship. I have been drinking more alone, as way to relax and decompress at the end of a stressful day.

The most concerning aspect of my drinking is the blackouts. There have been a handful of times over the last couple of years where this happened. Generally, it occurs under certain circumstances, i.e: I have drunk before I go out (to deal with nervous energy) not eaten enough that day, and usually been dealing with extremely stressful/tense situations (namely, an unhappy relationship). I seem to *forget* that I have this issue and get intoxicated to a disgusting level. This has resulted in me becoming sloppy, tearful and at times extremely distressed and full of rage. It's as if my brain switches off and I am operating from this fearful at the same time angry primal place.

It is absolutely terrifying and has left with so so much shame. I am someone who prides myself on being a good friend/employee/partner etc and here I am behaving in ways that are totally out of character for me and go against all my values.

It has affected my relationship and I am left with enormous amounts of guilt and self-hate.

I know something is wrong and I know something has to change but I am confused about it because it does not always happen and because it is not something I can really *connect with*, if that makes sense?

I don't know if it is the underlying issue that needs resolving or if I am someone who just can''t drink - i.e.: I have whatever the makings are for a bad drunk/alcoholic.

Can anyone relate?

Welcome to SR, gracegrows! I understand how you are feeling and how frightening it can be. Many of us just didn't know if we were really "alcoholics." But, we found that it really doesn't matter. If alcohol is causing problems in your life, it's worth recognizing.

Glad you found us! You'll find a lot of support here. I hope you'll hang around and read the posts of others and realize that you are not alone. (((HUGS)))

I guess I'd also really like to hear from people about the differences between substance abuse and alcoholism and anyone who experiences the former without necessarily being addicted.

Sorry, I know nothing about substance abuse other than alcohol. I'm sure someone will be along who can better answer your questions.

Yep ,the title is not important .

What is -if - its causing you problems .

It sounds like its causing problems and use is growing all the time ,That's how it starts .

Welcome! I had a good job and no major relationship or health problems. I was not physically addicted to alcohol (did not experience withdrawal symptoms). But I was still an alcoholic (still am, just a sober one). I don't know if you are an alcoholic; I would imagine you'll find out pretty quickly if you quit drinking. If you're not an alcoholic, it probably won't be difficult. It sounds like you have problems when drinking, so it might benefit you to quit whether you're an alcoholic or not. If you have "underlying issue[s]", quitting drinking will reveal those to you. Perhaps you are hung up on identifying as an alcoholic or a drunk. Being an "alcoholic" or a "drunk" are not requirements for realizing that alcohol is not contributing to your life - that it is in fact causing problems. Lots of people don't drink. If you need help stopping, SR is a great place to find support and learn about resources to help you stop.

Good luck! I hope you find what you're looking for.

Hi Grace. That's a curious statement, and so I'm wondering what's behind it.

Labels aside, what you're describing in your comments is often referred to as "psychological dependence" -- believing that we need alcohol or other drugs in order to function normally. Given your internal struggles over your relationship with alcohol, SR is a good place to begin your research.

Of course, if you want to stop drinking but find you can't do it on your own, there are plenty of ways to get help, as many here will attest to.

Sorry, I meant substance abuse to mean alcohol abuse. I don't use other drugs except the occasional joint.

hey, gracegrows!

i feel like we are in a slightly similar boat. i did not drink every day. nor would i get sick if i did not drink.

i drank approximately once/week and i almost always blacked out. i also noticed that i never drank to enjoy the beverage at hand, but as a means to get closer to an escape. i am diagnosed ocd and the alcohol left my mind quiet where it was usually very loud.

not sure if addiction runs in your family but my family tree is decorated with all sorts of it and i wanted to stop before i found myself drinking more. i knew it had a problem and i didn't want to wait to watch it grow into something worse.

i miss drinking. i am sad when people around me do it. i struggle with my decision often but i knew what i had to do for me. if you are worried something might be up, it is best to listen to that voice. just because your case may not be as severe as another's situation does not mean a thing. most everyone here is for support and to support. good luck and feel free to pm should you need to talk.

Hi Grace; if you do have times when you have drunk to the point of blackout, and you are deeply ashamed, why don't you just drink in moderation, and only at social gatherings? If the answer is 'I've tried but at some point it became too hard' then yes you do have a problem. Most alcoholics/problem drinkers or whatever you want to call them, have tried many times to moderate and haven't succeeded. I was one of them. I wasted many years trying to moderate my drinking, but the only thing that succeeded for me was total abstinence. If the thought of never drinking again terrifies you, that alone is an indication that you've crossed a line. Non-alcoholics rarely give a thought to how much they drink because they can take it or leave it.
For me, sobriety has been much more restful than constant anxiety about how much I drink, whether it's too much, why don't they fill up the glasses more, is anybody watching if I have another glass, and so on.

Hi Grace, welcome to SR, I can relate to you in some ways.

I started drinking in my late twenties, and it got progressively worse, bingeing, blackouts, behaving not in my usual manner or never would do, sober.

I was a professional person, I was respected. I had to hide the fact I liked drinking too much!

I am now in my fifties, and though I have stopped for periods of my life my drinking got steadily but, I thought controlled to a point, I could still work, function. I came to realise drinking was causing me problems and I didn't seem to be able to control it. For goodness sake, I wanted to be like friends and a responsible drinker. No chance for me!

The only way was abstain, but it was easier said than done and I dearly wish I had found sr years ago .

Okay, so it sounds like you're asking about the difference between abusing alcohol and alcoholism.

Many people abuse alcohol for a period of time. Maybe they didn't drink much at all, but something tragic happened in their life or whatever, and they turned to the bottle for a time. Those people usually realize after a while what they are doing and find other ways to deal with whatever issue they are dealing with. Quitting the alcohol isn't much of a problem for them.

Then, there's the "hard drinker" who likes to get drunk and fight in the bar or whatever, but they aren't physically addicted to the alcohol; at least not yet.

Alcoholism is progressive. If you drink to blackout stage, then that is a big red flag. The more you drink, the easier it will be to get to that blackout stage. That's where we can get into serious trouble with DUIs and stuff like that.

From what you have posted already, it sounds like alcohol has caused some fairly serious problems for you. You might want to lay off for a while. See if you can go for 3 month without drinking. If you can easily do that, then maybe your problem isn't all that serious. If you have trouble going 3 months without a drink, then you'll know it's something you should take a hard look at.

Hey, thanks to everyone who has posted so far.

Suki, yes, I guess that is what I'm wondering about.

As I said, I know it's a red flag and I know something needs to change. What is tricky for me is that the times I have really blacked out and consequently lost my ****, to put it bluntly, have been situational in nature. That doesn't make it okay. It doesn't mean I don't have a problem, it's just that I'm trying to understand what that problem is.

One thing I do know is that I have sincere and deep regret for my behaviour during those times. No-one should have to clean up the mess of a drunk adult essentially behaving like a toddler. This is me taking responsibility. I also want to be honest here because otherwise, what is the point?

It's hard... I mean, I like to see myself as someone who is otherwise a healthy person, physically and emotionally. It's difficult in that sense to admit I have a problem and to come to terms with behaving in ways that go against my better judgement and my values, particularly as I can't really remember any of it.

Ugh.

The shame that it induces doesn't help. That makes me want to drink more and in that way I can see how it can become a dangerous cycle.

The other thing is that I don't know that I necessarily buy into the disease model of addiction. That doesn't seem very empowering to me. I believe we do have choices, agency and will power. I can choose not to drink, as difficult as I might find it. What I've learnt and am beginning to learn more, is that people with a drinking problem don't often care much for themselves, at least at the point where the drinking becomes problematic. Having anxiety/being sad in a relationship/experiencing shame as a result of poor choices while drinking are good reasons to continue, if you know what I mean? If those issues weren't there to begin with, perhaps the urge to continue to drink or self-abuse wouldn't be, either.

Of course, this happens to differing degrees depending on the person and their situation, and I appreciate that once it has become a full blown addiction, the addiction begins to run the person and their life program.

What I'm getting at is; what is the difference, where is the line drawn, what sort of treatment would best, what sort of support etc. --- just thinking aloud here, now. :)

I went a month without alcohol about 4 months back. Socially it was difficult. Where I'm from, there is quite a big drinking culture and a lot of my social activities, even if it is just dinner, revolve around booze. That was hard. But my alone time -- the time when I tend to get stuck into it most -- wasn't so hard. I managed fine. Sadly, I didn't notice any particular health improvements of any kind. I had zero hangovers and no next-day anxiety, but it was also less fun in certain social situations, if I'm honest. I'm a writer, and it was harder to write, too. But still, it was manageable.

I started drinking again because I thought I had it under control, and I did, until a recent event which culminated in the end of my relationship. The blackout was not the cause of our separation -- either one of us could have ended it any day, but it was the trigger. I definitely drank to cope in that instance but I honest to god did not intend to. Again, little food, a party environment, social anxiety + relationship unhappiness = as bad night. Not proud of it. At all. Just trying to trace the pattern and relay it to you.

No one can tell you where the "line" is. All you have to know is whether you want to continue drinking or not. You don't have to know why or buy into a disease model of alcoholism. All you have to do is stop drinking. If you need help or support, there is lots available, but you're going to have to figure out what you yourself need. Everyone here can tell you how they stay sober, but that's all we can do. We can't tell you what you will need.

Sometimes, I think we think too much. Does it really matter what your mind was thinking at the time? Does it really matter why you embarrassed yourself this time and not some other time? All of these things you bring up have one common component. Alcohol. Whether you are physically addicted or not, alcohol has caused you to wonder about these things. Something made you come to a sober recovery board looking for answers.

That, in itself, should tell you something.

I'll go out on a limb and answer the question in your subject line. Yes, you have a problem with alcohol. Are you alcoholic? Who knows? But why wait until you are at Stage 4 before doing something about the problem?

I completely agree and I thank you for your honesty.

I am here and I am questioning if I have a problem. This is not lost on me.

Again, I'm just pondering root/situational causes etc. It doesn't seem so straight forward to me and I'm the sort of person who likes to understand things.

Many of us never know the root of our problem. In the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't matter. What matters is that we recognize we have an alcohol problem and do something about that. Then, after a while, if we care to dig around, we can try to figure out how it came to be.

Can I ask if you believe it's a disease?

Sure, and fair enough. I'm not actually asking to be told what to do or what help I need. I'm just hoping to process it with people who have some personal experience with it.

I honestly don't know. What's more, I don't care. Disease doesn't mean death. Diseases have treatments. We can get treatment and arrest the disease. This past July I celebrated 5 years sober. Do I think I'm cured? I don't know. I look at it as being in remission. Every day I don't drink, I'm in remission. If I decide to pick up again, all bets are off.