Mini Bender
 

Back to day 1. Slammed a 12 pack after an argument w GF yesterday. Arrrrgh. Last time I did that I didn't log back on here for over a year. Told myself I was just going to have 2 to calm down, didn't quite work out like that. Did make it 51 days. The beer actually tasted bad (for the first few). Feeling edgy hungover and upset with myself.

I have heard it before on this website. PAWS. I am doing some surfing on it now. Makes sense.

I had to man up and admit that I could NOT drink in safety. For whatever dishonest reason as I made up all sorts of reasons like the sun rose and set every day. I call it getting honest with myself. BE WELL

The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.

What I've learned is; using alcohol to "calm down" is just another of the gazillion excuses we alcoholics can use as a reason to drink. THe fact is, we don't need a reason. We are sick, we have a disease. Through it's patience, cunning and baffling nature it is out to make us sick, and kill us sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. It is our vigilance in working a program of recovery and sobriety that we stay away from drinking.

Be Vigilant. Work your program

:c014:

Jump back on the horse, EW! New plan this time? Revised plan, maybe?

I am always, save about 10 minutes a day, right there too.

51 days is amazing.

Slip if you must, but don't fall.

The guilt and shame will not serve you in anyway but "serving" you.

Just feel it, let it go, and start again.

Just chalk it up to more "field research" that should demonstrate to you that you can't drink like someone who isn't alcoholic. Forget the "why" - knowing you are an alcoholic means that you are powerless against it - there will always be some "thing" that triggers the desire to drink - until that obsession is removed by a Power greater than you. Here's our deal, if you are one of us: The first drink gets us drunk, because we never stop at 1. Don't beat yourself up - you can stay sober today, but only by accepting defeat - by accepting that you are an alcoholic. Once you get desperate enough to try anything and go to any length to not drink, you can take action and go to an AA meeting. That's where the rubber meets the road, but you may need to do more "research" before giving up. I know I didn't stay in the first few times - always ended up drunk until I gave in an attended that meeting I didn't want to attend. The good people there showed me acceptance and my sponsor showed me how truly addicted and powerless I was. You are just doing what comes naturally to an alcoholic - but there is an answer when you decide you are ready - God bless.

This is your rotten, stinky a$$ AV LYING to you. You don't sound 'calm' at all now.

Next time, tell your AV to shut the hell up.

Ah...relationships. They are the cause of so many relapses. What is your plan next time GF ticks you off? Cause she will.

Proud of you for jumping right back on to SR! You don't need to disappear.

Hear 'ya... I tricked myself too and am "manning" up to it.
Actually thinking of doing AA again. I know I need to do something a little different. I want to build as strong a House as possible and I found a crack in the foundation I need to plug with something good. Any ideas?

A new GF.

"Doing AA" is not the same thing as following a program of recovery. Neither is going to a lot of meetings a program of recovery. You can't "do" this program without someone taking you through the Big Book 12 Steps.

Sobriety requires a commitment to recovery. If AA isn't for you, then try one of the many alternatives. No amount of suggestions, support or advice will get you sober. That's something that comes from within. The misery you describe on the day after is nature's way of telling you...something.

Good for you coming back. :)

I'm glad you're thinking of new things EW...do follow through :)

And...I rarely give relationship advice but as a long time reader of your threads, I can't help thinking Carl has a point too...your relationship (or problems in it) seem to have driven you to drink more than once.

You either need to fundamentally change the way you react to things, or change the situation, I think.

D

So glad you're back after being bucked off the stallion. You know I had a phone call from my older brother this morning which ended up ticking me right off. I was frustrated and angry and it struck me..that I was having a bit of temper tantrum over something really benign. I realized I have no emotional muscle because I have drank for every damn lame excuse I can..especially anger and frustration.
If I drank this morning, I would have been just spinning my wheels and continued my 5 year old temper tantrum everytime someone said or did something frustrating.
Knocking back a few drinks solves nothing but keep you handicapped in the sense you can't handle conflict.
I also realized that I personalized what he said...like it had something to do with me..like I was stupid or worthless. NO..he's just a controlling arse sometimes. Big deal..his problem..not mine.

Hi EW, I am sending strength vibes, Day 5 here , Rootin For ya

Glad you wanted to talk it out, EW. :)

For us, there's no such thing as 'two' - but you already know that. Onward you go....:)

I don't mean to hijack this thread but from my understanding of the disease, a slip or relapse happens usually well before someone picks up. Blaming a fight with his girlfriend is just an excuse. She didn't cause it, she can't control it and she can't cure it.

I am sorry but I am really triggered that she has become the scapegoat. I am the wife of an addict and has blamed before. Sadly, I believed it. There will always be an excuse, if someone doesn't really commit to being clean and sober.

I would appreciate you actually reading my post. I did not blame my GF. She was not scapegoated in any way either. I think it may be constructive for you to consider the possibility that you are projecting your own issues onto the general subject, while ignoring the actual sequence and context of events. I welcome all input, advice etc, yet feel your post on this thread added context based on you personal experiences and would give the wrong impression to someone just reading your post.