New here, first day
 

I am taking a big step today. Today is the day that I am choosing to stop drinking.

It all started innocently enough, as a way to go to a happy place, to take a break from the stress and struggle of raising two young children, to deal with the boredom of being home all the time. It's turned into passing out, blacking out, and fighting with my husband over the way I behave when I'm drunk. I've had a DUI arrest which publicly embarrassed me, but convinced me to slow down for a while, but the fact is - and always has been, my whole life - that after I take the first drink, I can't stop.

Waking up this morning was my bottom. I had a pretty uncomfortable hang over. My 8 year old told me that he was sorry for getting me in trouble with Daddy. He pieced together last night's events for me: I passed out in my 6 year old's bed last night and my 8 year old got mad that I didn't go to HIS room, and got my husband involved. I don't know what happened next - I'm guessing that my husband and I got into an argument because when he woke up for work this morning he wasn't talking to me. It's a cycle that keeps repeating itself. I want to be a better role model for my children. I want to be a kinder, gentler wife.

I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I know that's a cliche, but it's true. I'm tired of having hangovers. What ends up happening is I have a hangover, then in a day or two when I feel better, I drink again, and end up with another hang over, and so on. I've told myself that I'm going to stop drinking, but never ever followed through. (I'm the same way with diets!)

I know better than to have been drinking the way that I do. I come from a long line of alcoholics. I've watched aunts, uncles and cousins battle addiction and go through recovery. I've read magazine articles, seen TV specials, and participated in awareness programs about drugs and alcohol addiction.

I have a very good life. My career is one that I enjoy and find meaningful. My children are active and healthy. I have a couple of true deep friends, as well as lots of social acquaintences. My husband is hard working and we communicate very well with each other.

I don't need to escape anything, I just like the buzz. It dawned on me this morning, during my rock bottom, that the buzz is more powerful than I am. Is this what people mean when they say they are powerless over alcohol?

I'm afraid to share my admission of alcoholism with even my couple of best friends and parents. The word scares me. I am going to use that word to describe myself when I talk to my husband later on when he gets home from work, though, and I tell him about my plans to stop drinking.

I feel like I can do this, I want a better life.

Thanks for letting me share my story.

A better life awaits....

All the best.

Thanks for sharing your story. I can certainly relate to much of what you said, and while it might be hard to share what you're going through, it's certainly helpful in putting it out there and not keeping it to yourself. We alcoholics (welcome :) ) are great at bottling things up, aren't we? Your first and biggest clue to this whole thing is the one I had - once I pick up, I can't stop. Period. Never has there been a time where I put the drink down and say "Nah, no more. I'm good right now." It's the disease of more for me. And there is no way that I could moderate - I had turned that corner and there was no turning back.

Good way of putting it, the powerlessness. I know that for me, I couldn't not drink. I didn't see any other way to spend my waking moments that having something in me, to just get through the day.

But to your point of not needing to escape anything. Are you sure of that? I used alcohol to escape and feel. I was dead inside, and alcohol let me feel like a normal person for just a little time. I could feel what it was like to have a moment of joy. A moment, though. I could cry, I could feel something. Anything. It was like I stepped out of the coffin and walked around the block into the light. But it didn't last long before I felt dead inside again. The search for something that took me outside of me was all I wanted and I found it in alcohol. So it wasn't necessarily all about escaping from the real world, but escape from myself.

Are you looking towards any program of recovery? this feeling you have right now might fade, like that DUI. Getting into something now might serve you better than waiting a while.

Thanks again for sharing.

Hi and welcoem gleefan :)

I'm sorry - getting your kids involved like that must be rough for you today.

We can change tho - we do recover - the good news is you really can make that the last embarrassing night ever...and it all starts with day one.... :)

there's a lot of support here - glad you found us :)

Congratulations on your decision to stop and welcome to the forum! You'll find lots of helpful people here.

Grab that crappy feeling and the knowledge that you must quit drinking and RUN WITH IT.

I suggest you go right to an AA meeting--no time like the present. If you wait, you risk feeling a LITTLE BIT better, and before you know it you will have decided you can control it. Seen it happen a lot.

Welcome gleefan. Of course you can do it. Joining SR gave me the courage and hope I needed to stop. I hope you'll feel the same way.

Congratulations on reaching out for a better life for you and your family. When unpredictable and unexpected things happen each time you drink, it's time to take control of your destiny. Be proud of yourself for realizing that.

Welcome to SR.

I can relate to the parts you shared about not being able to stop once you started. Also, declaring you'll never drink again after a hangover, then after a few days of feeling better, the cycle begins again.

I had to make a decision to stay stopped and put something in place to fill that void.

I am glad you are here. It really IS a big first step. :)

Welcome!
Stick around! This place is wonderful. I hope to hear more things about you in the future...good or bad, tis all a process ;) It will turn out good eventually. Many success stories here.

This is powerlessness.

No power to resist the drink even after we have sworn off.

No power to resist the drink even when we have children to care for.

No power to control it once we start.

Someone taught me something years back.

What was the intention...to have a couple of drinks.

What actually happened...I overdrank...again...etc.

Who did it harm? Fill in the blank

and

the cycle of spree and remorse...we keep repeating it over and over again.

This is powerlessness.

I would suggest that you read the book Alcoholics Anonymous.

In a day or 2? For me it was generally by noon the next day i was getting thirsty again heck lotta times at 8am i new if i had a few to take the edge off i'd be ok. My point is if you keep drinking you run the risk of it not being a day or 2 for much longer.

I'm over a year sober and still havent told most people dont feel bad about it. Its your problem to solve no one elses best to work through it as best ya can without spreading the word persay unless your going to get some real support.


Its a horrible cycle that you have to break. And sadly if you slip up you runt he risk of the cycle starting up all over again! And its really not much of a risk but more of a garantee remember your powerless over alcohol.

It was so hard for me to break the cycle that i'm terrified to pick up again I do not wanna go through that again!.

Another thing about telling others I got a tattoo about it and was told by many oh thats stupid blah blah. I figure hey thats there opinion but the tattoo was never for them it was for me. I cant expect htem to ever understand.

Hi! I am new too. You seem to be very intelligent and a high functioning alcoholic. I've lived a double-life for so long that people think I am joking if I tell them I don't want to drink. My wife still seems to be in denial that I am an alcoholic with a capital A. Definitely stick around. I have been reading a lot of threads here and it is amazing how similar the stories are to my own. It helps to find people who really understand.

welcome

welcome. when you need us we are here.
just start typing whenever you want to drink.

Will power while important is seldom enough. Honesty with your husband is an excellent first step but I had to put a plan in place for success.

AA worked for me but you may wish to look at this post.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...does-take.html

It was a huge leap for me to post on this board; the only other time I ever did it was on an parents of children with ADHD board, and my post was ignored. I think my courage was born from the desperation that I felt when I woke up yesterday. I felt like it was at the very least an opportunity to share what's really happening in my life. I have to say I am humbled by everyone's responses. Your support, advice and encouragement are amazing. I had to go to one AA meeting as part of my DUI punishment. It was an open big book meeting. I was the youngest person there by far, and the folks who spoke had a lot of blame and self pity.

Anyway, today is a day that I would usually pop open a bottle of wine. I checked the message board this morning at work, read the responses, and decided that I would NOT drink today. I haven't. I imagine tomorrow will be harder. I can't tell you the last time I've gone 3 days without a drink. I read the link above (which is amazing, by the way!) and I'm making a plan to do something: I've decided that on my way home from work I'm going to check a book out of the library and make a cup of black cherry tea during the time I'd normally settle in for a drink.

My husband's drinking frequency is similar to mine - except unexpected and inappropriate things DON'T happen when he drinks. I am prepared to hang out in a different part of the house if he decides to drink tomorrow. Like everyone's story, mine has lots of layers.

That's my day two. Thank you.

This is how I feel too. Life should be awesome, but I drink because it's like a habit at this point. Good luck and welcome!

You must have stumbled into a not-so-great AA meeting. They happen, and even great groups can have an "off" night. The meetings I go to are full of hope, we laugh a lot (at ourselves and some of the silly places our own thinking has led us), and blame and self-pity are rarely seen.

I'd suggest you try some different meetings. Each group has its own personality, so to speak, and finding the right group can make all the difference in the world when you have those rough days that you (rightly) suspect may come along before too long.

In addition, YOU are different now. YOU have decided you should quit drinking, whereas when you went before, my bet is that you were looking for a way that you didn't belong with "those people." :)

I'm new too. Not sure "why" I drank either, but I'm not letting that prevent me from quitting. I'm sure I will learn a lot along the way.