Getting used to sober life
 

I'm fairly new to posting here, been sober for 55 days now. I'm having some trouble adjusting to sober life. In particular, I'm just feeling depressed, it's hard for me to enjoy the new activities I've adopted to fill the time. I'm single with very little time, I haven't dated anyone seriously for years and I don't have any friends. I haven't shared the fact that I'm sober with my family or anyone I know cause there isn't anyone close enough to me to really notice. I've been avoiding people who drink. I think those who know me just wonder why I'm scarce and in a somber mood. The only time I was ever cheery and talkative and reach out to people was when I was drunk.

I'm not minding the sobriety that much because alcohol stopped being much of a positive experience towards the end. I just feel really isolated and depressed and at times really irritable.

I guess part of why I started drinking was the social aspect. That got lost over the years. I never really learned how to make friends or reach out to people. I'm beginning to think I'm going to be single for the rest of my life.

I don't even know what's supposed to be normal right now. If I've felt depressed for longer then normal, or if 30 somethings should really expect to have a social life. It just seems like on TV and all around everyone just gets together to drink to have fun. Smalltalk makes me really uncomfortable, so even if I felt I could refrain from drinking, I wouldn't know what to do if I went out or to a social gathering. It seems like everyone who dates goes out for drinks.

I've considered meetings but I'm not sure I want to adopt those beliefs.

I guess I just was interested in hearing any one else's experience and I've found a lot of threads on this forumn to be very informative.

Well I'm only 12 days in however when I discussed my issues with my friends and family I actually felt closer to them and less isolated than ever, however I know this doesn't work the same for everyone so thats completely your own decision.

Personally I didn't avoid alcohol related situations and ditch my friends, I was never one for sharing feelings but I was also never one to run away and hide from things, my opinion is that I need to be strong enough to carry through with my convictions in any situation, I've been on the usual nights out in the last 12 days and would say I may have even enjoyed them more sober than I used to drunk.

The single biggest thing for me was getting over the fear of talking to people sober, however I just went out there and gave it a go, my thinking was if they like me drunk then there is no reason for them not to like me sober so long as I go out with the same positive attitude. Turns out I've gotten to know a few of my friends more in the last 12 days than I have in the last year, but there you go. My biggest issue with being sober is I didn't share enough of myself to be of any interest to anyone, it's was scary for me to share, but turns out when I finally tried it, it was incredibly satisfying.

I also know the feeling of thinking that you'll be single forever, but honestly if you sit around and don't put yourself out there than the chances of that increase, I know how scary it is but if you go out there and have a chat to people and let them get to know you then someone will pop up in the most unexpected of places. The biggest thing I've learnt from my time is that you have to go out and grab what you want, and the first few times feels terrifying, but after the first few goes you realise its not so bad after all. I mean I'm only 12 days in and it feels so much easier already, I'm actually looking forward to how much better it will get still!

Getting sober felt like ending a relationship. Sure it was screwed up and needed to end, in fact it was inevitable. But I still mourned its loss

I've considered meetings but I'm not sure I want to adopt those beliefs.


what beliefs?

Hi mmare2010,
I am relatively new to sobriety myself and got treatment at 34 yrs old after drinking away the previous decade. Most of my friends have wives and kids now and I feel like I am ten years behind everyone and learning how to socialize sober is tough. It's lonely for me now but I know I am on the right path. Wishing you the best!

I think that 'beliefs' was the wrong choice of word. I may try a 12 step meeting at some point and I've read the literature multiple times. I find a lot of value in it. The idea of having to go to meetings for life is rather overwhelming. I guess in all honesty I have trouble with the higher power aspect. I respect other people's beliefs, but personally I don't have an active spiritual life and I'm not sure I'm ready to seek one.

Hello mmare-

I am so with you on this. Alcohol was a crutch for me for a number of years and when I am sober it is hard.... But I now realize that I must have a better support network if I am ever going to stay sober. For me, the AA meetings are a lifesaver! I don't have to be embarrassed about being an alcoholic, and the people genuinely care about how I am doing. You don't have to adopt anything you aren't ready for. Just listen. You may find that the "beliefs" are different from what you think!

Good luck. We are here for you.

May I ask a question? And I do not mean to sound sarcastic at all- Would you like to help others?

If you go to an AA meeting and accept help ( if you indeed feel you can benefit from it) you will be helping people give back what was given to them

If you recover from alcoholism ( if you have it) the hour long meeting will become a place where you can help the still suffering alcoholic get well

Welcome to SR!


What does "spiritual life" mean to you?

AA has enriched my life in so many ways...I'm now living with purpose and joy...:yup:

You are still young in sobreity...and that can be difficult
Please keep moving forward...there is a whole new life waiting..:yup:
.

You guys set a good example for AA and make the meetings look better, I hope the people in my town are this nice :c031:. @Jitterbugg, I turn 34 tomorrow haha @sugarbear, I'm not sure what a spiritual life means to me. I most certainly don't want to go to church but I know religion and a spiritual life don't have to be the same thing. I guess I would consider it having faith of some sort and possibly some sort of observance, church or prayer.

the only requirement to go to meetings is a desire to stop drinking. any chance you have had a copy of the the book titled Alcoholics Anonymous? it can help immensely with the whole HP thing. it was quite scarey until i learned exactly what it all meant. admitting there is something more powerful than me????? well, i learned and admitted alcohol was more powerful than me and was killing me, so why not try a power greater than me that would help me with my alcohol problem? it just had to be anything other than me!! thats all it took for a start.

i could see where goin to meetings for life could be overwhelming, but i personally didnt care. i was desperate. get help or kill myself were the 2 choices i gave myself.

check out this link. everything it says can happen will happen iffen ya want it.

http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt11.pdf

Happy birthday mmare!!!

Hang in there . . . the adjustment is hard, but in my experience things will turn around if you can get wrap your brain around open key fact about your sober life.

The thing is that there are no guarantees that the activities you adopt when you start living a sober life, or the new people you meet, will satisfy you now or in the long-term. You're going to have to get used to disappointment, change, and uncertainty. This is a tall order for folks who abuse alcohol . . . you've given up the crutch that helped you navigate these in the past.

Speaking for myself, I was amazed at how much sheer time there was in the day that had to be filled by non-alcoholic activity. And, nothing really held my interest at first. But, I kind of willed myself past these feelings, and I figured out how to live a non-alcoholic life.

There are no silver bullets or panaceas. But, for some AA helps, particularly with the socializations aspects of sober life. And, plenty of folks participate in AA without buying into the religious aspects.

Anyway, good luck and keep using this forum to discuss things . . . you're not alone.

Hi mmare,

First off, Happy Birthday!

Do you think you've been depressed since before you quit? If it's been 56 days and you're still feeling depression I wonder if you should look into getting treatment for that? I personally came to the conclusion that I've been depressed for over 10 years. Two years ago I hit bottom with my depression and went into therapy. After getting on medication I felt better and when I finally quit drinking and smoking pot I felt a lot better.

Having no friends doesn't help either. I too don't have any friends outside of work and it's the one thing that still gets me down. I have no support system to help me through it. My therapist is the the closest thing I have to a friend and she has been able to help me through it when it comes up. I pay for that feeling of friendship but it's worth every penny.

My moods were all over the place for six months. They had been highjacked by alcohol long ago. I still have somber periods that go a week or so. Overall things are much better.

I got into this mess over many years, having realistic expectations on the time frames of recovery helps.

Stick with it- you will not regret it- but we do need things to replace it

The daily practice of gratitude has helped me enormously (see thread area)

In the AA program, you don't have to adopt anyone else's idea of a higher power, or God, so to speak. All you have to do is find a power greater than yourself. And you can decide what that power is. I didn't have a concept of God prior to coming to AA. Many days, I'm still not sure who or what God is. But I'm now certain that I'm not him/her/it. To be honest, alcohol was a power greater than me for many years. I put much faith in those bottles. That led me to the idea that if alcohol could be a higher power, then just maybe something else... or anything else for that matter, could be a power greater than myself. Often, a room full of drunks trying to stay sober is an affective higher power for me. And whatever concept you think of might evolve and change over time into something entirely different. And that's okay. You don't have to "get it" today, or even tomorrow. You just have to be willing to believe. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. It'll come to you when you're ready.

Mare--there is a book called "Living Sober" that may help you a bit. I've read it a few times. The meetings are my 'current' social life, and that I have accepted for now (I am 15 months sober)....Things may change, who knows. I do what I have to do for now. I have made new friends at these meetings. And oddly enough, there are a few people I used to drink with in these meetings. It's at least worth dipping your toes in the water.

Happy Birthday Mmare! x

I'm with you on this one. I'm in my early 30's, single, I've been avoiding my drinking friends and all I'm doing is going to work really at the moment. I'm 3 months sober now, and because I felt like I was feeling a bit complacent I decided to start going to AA. I have a huge problem with the word 'spiritual' never mind all the God stuff! But I am keeping an open mind and really it just feels nice to be with other people in the same boat who aren't off out drinking on a Friday night. I haven't spoke much in a meeting yet but I figure that when I start doing that more it'll do wonders for my confidence.

But that said, it seems that me and everyone else is trying to get you to go to AA when that isn't what your thread was about! I was up and down a lot in the first few months and I'm only really starting to feel better now really. I still haven't figured out what sober people do for fun and it really does seem like everyone is off out drinking. I'm ignoring the 'single' thing, in true AA style, because I feel like I have enough to worry about for now. All I know is that alcohol really didn't help my social life, especially in the end, and that things can only get better without it :) x

religion and a spiritual life don't have to be the same thing.
they arent.
religion is man made
spirituality is God ( of your understanding) made

religion is for people afraid of goin to hell
spirituality is for us who have been there