Jesus Chris you gonna save my soul - Well could you do it tomorrow?
 

Felt a restlessness tonght unlike one I haven't felt in awhile. For some reason it's 12 a.m. and I was just not tired one bit. To quell my anxiousness I charged to the store for the golden bottle of liquor. TAAKA Vodka, the cheap ****. And here I am drinking, lonely and ashamed.

After 20 years I can assure you - nothing changes if nothing changes Tyler.
Well nothing good anyway - things can always get worse.

There's a lot of help and support here - but it's only good if you decide to use it, y'know?

D

I'd like to use it - only I am such a miserable person that it is very very hard.

If it was as simple as "get up and use it," I'd be cured

That voice inside your head; it tells us lies; honestly. Early in sobriety, I've thought, "I can't do this, it's too hard, I don't deserve to be happy anyway!", and you know what? It was all just lies; completely wrong; just thoughts, not facts.

If you want it enough, you'll do what it takes; maybe it'll take more suffering to get you to that point, or maybe you'll never get there and your alcoholism will kill you?

But that voice is telling you lies; trust me; I'm being serious here.

Simple maybe...but not easy - I do remember.

I believe you keep coming back here because you want to change.
I believe you don't want to stay miserable forever.

The bottom line is - if you want changes, you need to make changes.
No changes = no change.

D

Tyler, I'm in the same boat as you are. I slipped last night too. Why? I'm not entirely sure. I was staying with my family for support, had three nights, and then I decided to head back to my place which is a couple hours away and where I am totally alone. That seems to have been all it took for me to slip up. And it was a pretty nasty slip.

I think from what I've read here/observed, the earliest parts of sobriety are the hardest. You have a major chemical addiction that needs to be broken. It CAN be broken, but the first parts are the trickiest. I'm going to take what has happened to me here as a lesson, and work on developing a more determined plan to keep sober in these early days. For me, I think I really do need the support of those who love me right now. I can't do this alone. I don't think anyone can.

Perhaps the way to start to think about this today is to ask yourself what kind of plan you might develop to help you in the first weeks of sobriety. As another poster put it to me recently, by being an alcoholic we give over our power to alcohol, but by developing a plan of sobriety we reclaim that power.

Best of luck to you my friend.

It took me a long time to come here, so you are already past step one. I had to come here, then go to a group twice a week for months, then AA meetings, and I find myself back here again. YOU CAN DO IT. Put twice as much energy into staying sober as you do getting drunk.

Hey man get yourself up dust off and keep walking or crawling if you have to in the right direction.

I am there with you and F355, as in I am at day 2 again, it would be so easy to stop on the way home and pick up something and be three sheets to the wind in a few hours. I had a moment there just now before I read this where I was seriously considering it.

I am sorry that you feel the way that you do but, man, no one can drink as much of that deppressent as people like we do and feel all that good about ourselves. Isn't that one of the reasons that we decided to quit? Probably like me you never felt all that good about yourself in the first place but how much has alcohol really helped with that? I know that it hasn't me. Well bro all I can say is that I hope you sleep it off, wake up feeling like complete ****, and pour that bottle out, then step out of your front door with some fresh determination.

I'll be thinking of ya

INH

You don't have to drink. You simply chose to have one. Perhaps one day you'll really want to be sober....

Yes, I want to change.
No, I do not want to stay miserable forever.

I want to make changes but the only time I want to make changes is when I am drunk! The only time I admit I am drunk is when I am drunk, and thus that is the only time I realize I wanna make changes

I want to be sober. I want to be sober really really bad, but it's hard. I really really want to be sober so ******* bad but it is really really hard

Tyler, let me take a wild shot in the dark here. When you drink you get sort of a warm glow, you're totally at peace, your mind seems to expand, your brain can wander off into all kind of fantasies, your inhibitions vanish and all things seem possible. When you wake up the next day all of that seems to vanish, the warm glow is replaced with a sense of impending doom. Noises seem louder, you have a constant subliminal anxiety, you're restless, irritable, something is direly wrong with the world. You can't get comfortable, can't focus, you're now a depressed anxious mess. That's the merry-go-round that you get on with alcohol. You buy the ticket, you take the ride.

I wish you well on staying stopped, you're worth it!

I know this was directed at the OP but actually scary just how SPOT ON this is to where I was 6 months ago.

It is so strange how when we drink we all feel we are in a unique scenario but the truth is we all went/go through the exact same motions. We are not special when it comes to alcohol addiction which I think is a good thing. If other people are able to do this, to beat this problem, then we are too.

Take note Tyler, we have been where you are. The long termers are living proof that it can be done.

You should have bought something better than TAAKA to relapse on... just kidding. Thanks for posting about your relapse, it helps remind me of what I would have to look forward to if I start drinking again. Try to manage your misconceptions about alcohol in order to stay stopped. That's what I am trying to do.

I think I can stay sober as long as I continue to see alcohol for what it really is: a depressing boring drug that makes me feel lousy when it wears off, a substance that will leave me alone with nowhere to go, a drug that makes me say and do things that I will regret.

It's only when I stop caring about myself or fail to manage those misconceptions that the desire to relapse really takes hold. I have to admit though, if I am so miserable at any point in time that just a little relief from my misery is tempting.

Tyler,
I found myself in that loop too. I couldn't stop and had little self respect left but enough to say that I really not only needed to change but wanted to. I missed my self-respect, and my dignity.

Are you ready to do whatever it takes? I was. So I looked around and found a hospital 7 day inpatient detox I qualified for and could afford as it was free. It had a 28 day live in follow up rehab meals etc all free. That was VA. The Salvation Army and many other agencies have them, too.

Before I wasn't willing to do whatever it took to quit forever, I quit a million times and was just talking smack. I didn't want to quit. But the physical issues started to become impossible to ignore. So I decided I would have one shot, and it had to count. I am too old to get another a few years down the road. I knew that this could not be a try thing. So before i went I prepared myself and my family and friends, and with my docs behind me quit both smoking and alcohol in that detox. It took months for me to get over all the physical issues and start to heal noticeably at 6 months. But I was fighting for my life. I won. I have my self respect back and alcohol isn't really in my thoughts anymore. Except heren when i visit SR with my friends and newbys we try to be here for. You're one of them now, and you are in the right place. Now are you ready to do whatever it takes?

if it's worth having, it's worth busting your ass to get it - I PROMISE IT'S WORTH IT!

Blue
20yrs sober in AA

No offense but while your advice may sound enlightening to a sober person it really makes no sense to a drunk. "Put twice as much energy into staying sober as you do getting drunk"? Come on now

I believe I said the very same thing to you once Tyler - you seemed to grasp it then :)

It's not a hard concept - I spent an incredible amount of energy getting drunk and staying that way - getting the booze when I could barely walk, getting the money for booze when I had no money, re-arranging my responsibilities and commitments so I could drink 'in peace'...arguing with people about my right to drink, or my need to drink...

Imagine putting that energy, or even more energy, into staying sober - into not picking up the first drink?

D

I would love to do that. The idea sounds beyond appealing. How can I motivate myself to actually follow through with that instinct as opposed to my primal urge to drink? How do i motivate and entice myself to do something else - something productive - when the craving calls? I always have a quick answer for that craving, and the answer is unfortunately submission.

well, I found coming here and posting and reading helped me a great deal with the 'urge' - but you have to log on here before the submission.

D

Thank you for writing this SquareOne. I need to read things like this as a reminder to me. I can't believe how accurate this described what I went through, and it reminds me how unoriginal my experience was. When I quit drinking I created a document that had sayings and other things to remind me what I went through and why I quit. I haven't added to it for a long time, but your post is going in there.

Tyler - Good luck. I hope you can find what you need to turn things around.

Perhaps you could create a support network where you are. There are certain ideas and actions which require daily practical application if you wish to change.

You may need some guidance and direction at a local level. Perhaps if you really want to change your life...you could call tomorrow to your local AA hotline and connect with some sober males.

They could help you create a plan daily.

Knowing you want to change, but not knowing how is when you turn to others to lead you.

Get into action. Stop thinking it all through. DO something different. Call tomorrow. Identify people that you can meet up with, and attend an AA meeting, or just go on your own. Look up your local meeting schedule, and go?

One more thing. Pour the bottle down the drain now.

I don't think my case is any more unique than anyone else's.

When I was where you are 10 months ago, i just found myself suddenly saying "screw it". I was drunk, but I just staggered into an AA meeting, and was blown away by the kindness and lack of judgement. Do you think you could do that? It doesnt matter what state you are in. AA is the one place you can go to drunk. Just fall into a meeting and take it from there.

TylerDurden:

The cravings come and go. They don't last. Ride them out. I know. I have a week and a day sober now, after 6 1/2 years of sobriety which ended in a relapse that taught me many lessons about this dis-ease. I was a 'one chip wonder' and that kinda cushioned reality for me. The cravings this time around were huge but they never last for ever. Nothing does.

Every time you ride out a craving, you get stronger and better prepared for the next one, and believe me, few things taste as sweet as riding out a craving and coming out victorious on the other side.

Try it. Next time you feel the urge, just observe it, Feel it gaining strengh, making you very very restless, but don't act on it. Witness it decrease in intensity until it disappears. It will disapper because that's the nature of this material world. Nothing lasts for ever. Not a thing. That's one universal law not even you can escape.

BTW, Fight Club(your screen name) is the amazing story of a soap salesman who wants to be free from corporate schackles. His increasing restlessness paved the way for his ultimate freedom. The freedom from the self.

You can do this.

Natalie

Another thing that can help Tylor, is a home de-tox. That's when the doctor prescribes something like Librium, and sometimes visits you daily. It depends where you live. Librium stops the withdrawals and cravings, at least it did in my case; the love and approval from meetings and friends did the rest to begin with. Before I knew it a week had passed and the alcohol was out of my system.

Thank you for your kind response.

I'd like to know what the years were like 6 and 1/2 years ago. How powerful was your addiction? How much/often did you drink?

And yes, I chose this name (Tyler Durden) to represent my inherent problem based on the inner conflict of the character(s) in the movie. It should make a lot of sense if you think about it that way and cheers to you because you obviously have it figured out. :) Unfortunately, I use the alcohol at times for my own personal and selfish freedom.

Tyler, at my worst, I was having six drinks at happy hours and then a half pint to a pint in the car, mixed with coca cola. I would get home and pretend everything was fine, make a pathetic attempt at fixing dinner, and pass out over the soup. My two then teenage kids witnessed this most nights. I couldn’t deal with the guilt the morning after, and that’s what drove me to my knees, literally. I am not a praying person.

I would open my eyes and enjoy those few moments of blissful stillness we all wake up to, before our memories of the prior night’s events start playing on our mind’s screen. Three or four minutes into the horror movie was all it took for me to collapse from anguish and guilt. I’ll stop here since I am easily turned off by drunklogues and sense others may be as well.

My inability to cope with my emotions the morning after was what made me seek help. Fortunately, there were no DUI’s, job losses, divorce, etc.

I went to AA not knowing there were secular means to recover. Only ‘worked’ the steps once in the 5 years I was there (I stayed sober another year and a half after leaving AA). The abdication of responsibility to an outside ‘authority’ and the throwing up of hands were foreign concepts that felt wrong to me. I resisted the steps and the prayers the entire 5 years I was there, but the fellowship was very helpful, as are most groups of like-minded individuals who support each other to achieve a common goal. Just last night, I read a post on a different thread where someone compared AA's requirement of prayer to a supreme being to being asked to change one’s sexual orientation. It really felt that painful, but it kept me sober, although I truly felt like a foreigner in a strange land. I never felt home.

Two years before leaving AA, while reading Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now, something shifted. I can’t say what, but there was, for the first time in my life, a ‘knowing’, a certainty that there was more to my life than the roles of mother, wife, accountant, recovering alcoholic, daughter, etc; that these roles were not what made me ‘me’. That simple realization set me on a path that I can only describe as life transforming. I fell in love with meditation and yielded to a strong attraction for a certain eastern philosophy. Gone were the constant doubts, trusting my intuition felt very natural, my resistance to and fondness for certain life events vanished, and for a couple of years I lived in perfect union with what was. I still don’t believe in a supreme being and sense I never will. At this point in my ‘journey’ AA meetings became too painful to attend and the support of women who wanted to stay sober was eliminated from the equation.

But even this state of constant bliss started to feel ordinary. My mind started to label things again and I started slacking off at meditation, my eastern spirituality and philosophy books accumulated dust on virtually every table of my house. I became inactive at forums dedicated to the teachings of Eckhart Tolle and other similar spiritual teachers. My 'spiritual' activities came to a gradual halt.

Then, one day, after 6 ½ years without a desire to drink, at some airport, I decide to order an alcoholic beverage, and did. No prior planning, no physical craving for booze in 6 ½ years. I just ordered and had that one drink as it was the most normal thing in the world. A week later I had another, two more the next week, three drinks a few times after that, and four once or twice. I may have even had five one night. I am not sure. I continued this pattern for approximately five months, without a drop of guilt, as if I never had a problem before, until I noticed an increased preoccupation with booze, an all too familiar anticipation that felt very very wrong. That’s when I ‘knew’ I had to quit, and did, ten days ago. This ‘knowing’ came as an overwhelming certainty that was humanly impossible to ignore.

The first few days my mind, more than my body, craved those drinks. It was a psychological craving that proved too much to bear a couple of times. I remember buying a pint one night and having to touch it while still in the bag, as I walked to my car. The psychological comfort that touching that cold, golden glass bottle gave me was truly baffling.

Here I am now, ten days sober, no cravings of any kind Tyler. This too can be your story if you make it.

Try something new, something different, whether you believe it will work or not, the Mc2 method, a Smart Recovery meeting, an AA meeting, taking a different route home, one without liquor stores. I don’t know......your inaction will only perpetuate your misery.

Fight Club is such a sneaky film and book, many people get a totally opposite idea of what the movie means. I see you’ve looked past the fights for the message. That movie gets me to a stage where I totally disidentify with my life story and see the futility of searching for the perfect lifestyle.

Sorry if I rambled and for any grammatical errors. English is not my first language.

Take good care,

Natalie