Jesus Chris you gonna save my soul - Well could you do it tomorrow?
 

Felt a restlessness tonght unlike one I haven't felt in awhile. For some reason it's 12 a.m. and I was just not tired one bit. To quell my anxiousness I charged to the store for the golden bottle of liquor. TAAKA Vodka, the cheap ****. And here I am drinking, lonely and ashamed.

After 20 years I can assure you - nothing changes if nothing changes Tyler.
Well nothing good anyway - things can always get worse.

There's a lot of help and support here - but it's only good if you decide to use it, y'know?

D

I'd like to use it - only I am such a miserable person that it is very very hard.

If it was as simple as "get up and use it," I'd be cured

That voice inside your head; it tells us lies; honestly. Early in sobriety, I've thought, "I can't do this, it's too hard, I don't deserve to be happy anyway!", and you know what? It was all just lies; completely wrong; just thoughts, not facts.

If you want it enough, you'll do what it takes; maybe it'll take more suffering to get you to that point, or maybe you'll never get there and your alcoholism will kill you?

But that voice is telling you lies; trust me; I'm being serious here.

Simple maybe...but not easy - I do remember.

I believe you keep coming back here because you want to change.
I believe you don't want to stay miserable forever.

The bottom line is - if you want changes, you need to make changes.
No changes = no change.

D

Tyler, I'm in the same boat as you are. I slipped last night too. Why? I'm not entirely sure. I was staying with my family for support, had three nights, and then I decided to head back to my place which is a couple hours away and where I am totally alone. That seems to have been all it took for me to slip up. And it was a pretty nasty slip.

I think from what I've read here/observed, the earliest parts of sobriety are the hardest. You have a major chemical addiction that needs to be broken. It CAN be broken, but the first parts are the trickiest. I'm going to take what has happened to me here as a lesson, and work on developing a more determined plan to keep sober in these early days. For me, I think I really do need the support of those who love me right now. I can't do this alone. I don't think anyone can.

Perhaps the way to start to think about this today is to ask yourself what kind of plan you might develop to help you in the first weeks of sobriety. As another poster put it to me recently, by being an alcoholic we give over our power to alcohol, but by developing a plan of sobriety we reclaim that power.

Best of luck to you my friend.

It took me a long time to come here, so you are already past step one. I had to come here, then go to a group twice a week for months, then AA meetings, and I find myself back here again. YOU CAN DO IT. Put twice as much energy into staying sober as you do getting drunk.

Hey man get yourself up dust off and keep walking or crawling if you have to in the right direction.

I am there with you and F355, as in I am at day 2 again, it would be so easy to stop on the way home and pick up something and be three sheets to the wind in a few hours. I had a moment there just now before I read this where I was seriously considering it.

I am sorry that you feel the way that you do but, man, no one can drink as much of that deppressent as people like we do and feel all that good about ourselves. Isn't that one of the reasons that we decided to quit? Probably like me you never felt all that good about yourself in the first place but how much has alcohol really helped with that? I know that it hasn't me. Well bro all I can say is that I hope you sleep it off, wake up feeling like complete ****, and pour that bottle out, then step out of your front door with some fresh determination.

I'll be thinking of ya

INH

You don't have to drink. You simply chose to have one. Perhaps one day you'll really want to be sober....

Yes, I want to change.
No, I do not want to stay miserable forever.

I want to make changes but the only time I want to make changes is when I am drunk! The only time I admit I am drunk is when I am drunk, and thus that is the only time I realize I wanna make changes

I want to be sober. I want to be sober really really bad, but it's hard. I really really want to be sober so ******* bad but it is really really hard

Tyler, let me take a wild shot in the dark here. When you drink you get sort of a warm glow, you're totally at peace, your mind seems to expand, your brain can wander off into all kind of fantasies, your inhibitions vanish and all things seem possible. When you wake up the next day all of that seems to vanish, the warm glow is replaced with a sense of impending doom. Noises seem louder, you have a constant subliminal anxiety, you're restless, irritable, something is direly wrong with the world. You can't get comfortable, can't focus, you're now a depressed anxious mess. That's the merry-go-round that you get on with alcohol. You buy the ticket, you take the ride.

I wish you well on staying stopped, you're worth it!

I know this was directed at the OP but actually scary just how SPOT ON this is to where I was 6 months ago.

It is so strange how when we drink we all feel we are in a unique scenario but the truth is we all went/go through the exact same motions. We are not special when it comes to alcohol addiction which I think is a good thing. If other people are able to do this, to beat this problem, then we are too.

Take note Tyler, we have been where you are. The long termers are living proof that it can be done.

You should have bought something better than TAAKA to relapse on... just kidding. Thanks for posting about your relapse, it helps remind me of what I would have to look forward to if I start drinking again. Try to manage your misconceptions about alcohol in order to stay stopped. That's what I am trying to do.

I think I can stay sober as long as I continue to see alcohol for what it really is: a depressing boring drug that makes me feel lousy when it wears off, a substance that will leave me alone with nowhere to go, a drug that makes me say and do things that I will regret.

It's only when I stop caring about myself or fail to manage those misconceptions that the desire to relapse really takes hold. I have to admit though, if I am so miserable at any point in time that just a little relief from my misery is tempting.

Tyler,
I found myself in that loop too. I couldn't stop and had little self respect left but enough to say that I really not only needed to change but wanted to. I missed my self-respect, and my dignity.

Are you ready to do whatever it takes? I was. So I looked around and found a hospital 7 day inpatient detox I qualified for and could afford as it was free. It had a 28 day live in follow up rehab meals etc all free. That was VA. The Salvation Army and many other agencies have them, too.

Before I wasn't willing to do whatever it took to quit forever, I quit a million times and was just talking smack. I didn't want to quit. But the physical issues started to become impossible to ignore. So I decided I would have one shot, and it had to count. I am too old to get another a few years down the road. I knew that this could not be a try thing. So before i went I prepared myself and my family and friends, and with my docs behind me quit both smoking and alcohol in that detox. It took months for me to get over all the physical issues and start to heal noticeably at 6 months. But I was fighting for my life. I won. I have my self respect back and alcohol isn't really in my thoughts anymore. Except heren when i visit SR with my friends and newbys we try to be here for. You're one of them now, and you are in the right place. Now are you ready to do whatever it takes?

if it's worth having, it's worth busting your ass to get it - I PROMISE IT'S WORTH IT!

Blue
20yrs sober in AA

No offense but while your advice may sound enlightening to a sober person it really makes no sense to a drunk. "Put twice as much energy into staying sober as you do getting drunk"? Come on now

I believe I said the very same thing to you once Tyler - you seemed to grasp it then :)

It's not a hard concept - I spent an incredible amount of energy getting drunk and staying that way - getting the booze when I could barely walk, getting the money for booze when I had no money, re-arranging my responsibilities and commitments so I could drink 'in peace'...arguing with people about my right to drink, or my need to drink...

Imagine putting that energy, or even more energy, into staying sober - into not picking up the first drink?

D