Relapse - Questions from a spouse
 

Hi everyone,

I usually post in the Family and Friends section. So, I hope it's ok if I post a question here!? My AH was sober for almost a year and then relapsed yesterday. I know I'm probably never going to fully understand what it's like to have an addiction, but would love to get a little insight from you. I'm curious to know what people are thinking about right before they take that first step and buy their first drink after being sober for a year (or longer)? Maybe some of you could shed some light on this for me?

I know my AH can't be feeling to good about himself right now, and when I asked him he turned to blame rather than reflecting on the overall problem (he was also still under the influence when I talked to him).

Thanks so much!

P.S. I am taking the right measures for myself now, so this is not about making a decision based on your responses. I'm simply trying to get a better grasp on what addiction means to an A.

My thoughts before I relapsed? I was under a great deal of stress, and didn't see a better way to cope with it, and said, "F it" to myself. I didn't really have regrets until the next day, although I have never relapsed and gotten drunk- so the regrets I had were that I had relapsed, not what I had done while drinking.

Each time, I "got back on the horse" right away, and I guess maybe I'm just stubborn- but I had to learn the hard way how it felt to let myself and others down. I have now added that to my toolbox and whenever I feel like a drink is a good idea, it's one of the things I remind myself that help to stop that line of thinking.

best to you, s

It's really hard to say what causes a relapse. I relapsed twice after long periods of sobriety. I had worked really hard at recovery for a couple years, then gradually just got involved more in my life and figured I didn't have to work at it anymore. My life had changed, I felt no compulsion to drink. The first time I relapsed, was after going through a divorce. I got sober again for several years (again) but started getting social again as a single person. I fell in with some musicians who drank pretty heavily and figured maybe, since I wasn't living in a depressing marriage anymore, I could enjoy moderate drinking.

Of course, those were the "circumstances" (which are different for everyone), and sometimes they can trigger a relapse. But I think there's a deeper layer which is common to all of us, whether it's a matter of the wiring of our brains or a lack of coping skills, or a spiritual malady....... there's a part of us which is discontent. Oftentimes it's an underlying depression or anxiety disorder, or something simply like insomnia that starts a vicious cycle but once we become addicted, there will always be a part of us that desires "just one more drink." Even if we have no intentions to pick up again, at times it's hard to fight that impulse unless we're active in recovery.

So really, it could be anything, or nothing at all that caused your husband to relapse. I know this is a huge disappointment for you (and most likely for him). I hope it will show him that we can never take recovery for granted and I hope he chooses to stop right away and double his efforts. Maybe he'll be more willing to look at things honestly once he sobers up.

You have my thoughts and prayers........:grouphug:

I never quit long enough to consider a return to drinking a big 'relapse' but what I was thinking was

- see quitting is easy! I can just do it again on monday!
or
- I'll just have one last blow out and then quit
or
- being sober was nice. but moderation would be nicer! Let's try that again!

I would basically just hit a wall where I wasn't having fun/staying calm and felt like in that moment drinking would be a good choice. I don't think I ever saw beyond the next few minutes or something. I don't know. In sobriety I've learned how to accept crappy days as nothing more than.. well, a crappy day! I was so prone to :react as an active alcoholic. A better ability to see the big picture if one of the hallmarks of my sobriety.

Hope things turn around for you, soon.

Each time I returned to drinking....it was simply because ..regardless of anything else
I wanted to drink more than I wanted to be sober


I finally quit 22 years ago...after I read "Under The Influence" by milam & Ketcham
re connected to God and refreshed my AA committment by beginning Step work. ....:yup:
I required a 3fold approach to why I drank after I wanted to stop..

wishing all the best for the two of you: ..:hug:

A relapse starts way before a person picks up his drug of choice.
Usually there are warning signs.....change in attitude ....change in behavior....and so on.
Many things can trigger a relapse....thoughts....feelings.....an event. Usually it's something
that person couldn't process in a healthy way.

There is a quote from the AA Big Book I see posted a lot, usually to another alcholic who has posted the idea of drinking moderately. It reads in part:

The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker.

Your husband may have never shaken the idea that one day he can drink.

There are a lot of bumps in recovery. Some lead to relapses. I'm more worried about my own "stinking thinking" leading me back to the bottle. Alcohol is cunning and baffling. The lure to drink is unknowable to the non-drinker. But a recovery program should be helping him with this. Is he in one? Abstinence is not recovery. Abstinence is just a long wait for the next drink.

Good luck to you, and to your husband.

So basically once a druggie always a druggie, once a shoplifter always a shop lifter, once a burglar always a burglar, once a drink driver always a drink driver the list go on, trouble is with many alcoholics their thoughts are always negative and always read books and probably made up from someone who has been to university and studied alcoholism and probably never been alcoholic.

Life will change but only if you allow it, many alcoholics who say once an alcoholic always an alcoholic are generally these who have really struggled in their fight for sobriety and are going to make sure they tell the world as well.

One of the major things I have also learnt is that some recovered alcoholics are very negative in helping others, I don't know why this but I do find they give more negative feedback than positive.

If you are an ex-alcoholic fine well done, but its a great big world out there where their are many great ventures, you have already wasted part of your life in alcoholism don't spend the other half on the same subject...

One worth remembering, thanks!

I agree....a big part of recovery is "total" acceptance.

Which is a "positive" step towards a new life.

:c007:

Wow, thank you all so much for your insight!!!

He was in a 12 step outpatient treatment program and went to AA the first 4 or so months. Once the initial treatment was over he didn't sign up for the relapse prevention program and quit going to AA. The problem I see is that he continues to hang out with friends whose social events usually have booze on the sidelines. He keeps telling me he doesn't have a problem going out to a game or other event where all of his friends are drinking/ getting drunk. hmmm....

I do think discontent and complete acceptance are concepts he's struggling with! But we'll see what happens. He seemed sober when I saw him earlier today, so I'm hoping he'll go down the right path and this will just be another bump in the road, but I know that there's also a good chance that he will get stuck in another binge. Time will tell.

Again thanks so much for providing explanations! All the best to all of you!!!!

I think you hit the nail on the head. He simply did not do enough pro-active work to ensure his sobriety. It is real easy to underestimate just how cunning, baffling and powerful alcoholism is.

Recovery is about change. An alcoholic will not stay sober if he's still doing the same things when he was drinking. Two red flags I see are.....he stopped going to AA.....and he still hung out with his old buddies. It was only a matter of time before he started to drink again.

Ditto on that for me too!

The worst relapse is the silent one. No real admission of thought, more automatic.

Do you attend Al-Anon?

What has always triggered relapses for me is ....thinking that I've been so good at being sober that I now have the willpower to have just a drink or two and enjoy myself without going overboard. My trigger is actually the opposite of what many alcoholics experience. I find that during the "bad times", I have little desire to self-medicate....i'm at my most vulnerable when I'm feeling empowered and strong and happy with my life.

Yes this is it for me , sitting back and watching my friends enjoy themselves drinking when I cant is the hardest thing to get my head around .

Yeah watching people drink is hard. One thing I do is remind myself that at the amounts they are drinking, it would barely register in my brain. Watch how normies drink sometime! I could never be satisfied with such small amounts of alcohol. So don't be so jealous of them. They are not even drinking to get drunk. They are just participating in some bizarre social ritual.

Honestly, I think that we alcoholics have no idea of why we relapse. I can talk about stress, tiredness, loneliness, etc... but actually I cannot explain why I relapse. It seems to me so insane as it may seem to you. Sorry, my english is not very good.

I don't think it is a good idea to talk with someone who is still under the influence. He won't understand anything. It is better to wait one or two days.