Lotus.....

There were a million "reason" for me......see, I'd just make them up out of thin air - anything to rationalize that next first drink. It's takes a special kind of sick (or brilliant) to be able to lie to one's self AND believe the lie.

Anyway, there were 3 main things I thought before breaking my promises to stay dry:

1. "F"-IT...I want a drink
2. It'll be different this time.....I just know it will
3. (and this is the spookiest) - NO thought.... nothing...... more than a couple times I'd just find myself on drink #2 or 3 before I even realized I had the first one. It's kinda like, what was your last thought before you fell asleep? sometimes.....I just drift off before I even realize it.

3's spooky cuz......obviously......there's just no defense against that one, not any human defense anyway...... that's exactly why AA works for this sort of alcoholic - the one who can't for the the life of them, seem to stop and stay stopped.

In my case I really did not think I had a "real" problem. I knew that alcohol was creating havoc in my my life so I worked very hard to abstain from drinking. I just always thought I would be able to drink again and control it.

In one occasion I had over 7 months sobriety and I looked at myself in the mirror as I was about to break that, and made sure that I was fully aware of what I was about to do. It was with the belief that this was just temporary release and that in one or two days I would be back on the wagon again. It never happened that way. Maybe for a few days or a week, but a 4 or 5 week all out bender would follow.

Just basic denial. The cycle of 6 to 8 months sober followed by the benders just kept repeating itself for the last three years. I was so sick after the last one that I knew then than I was done for good.

Good luck to you, Lotus.

This is one of those questions that has no real answers. It's the nature of the addiction and the disease. In the end it doesn't matter what you were thinking when you took that drink. The point is you took it. A more important question is: What are you going to do now that you have taken that drink??

Very true. Why an addict relapses is a philosophical question. We just weren't meant to find out.

That match's my experience as well. It was like somnambulism.

The relapse happens way before someone takes a drink and you can only relapse if you have made significant changes in recovery otherwise it is a simple case of the person drinking again after a break...