PLEASE help me. I'm really at my lowest/bottom and have no support.
 

Hi there. I really don't know where to begin...I just know that I can't drink anymore. I've done things to totally betray who I really am and am holding so many secrets inside, so much pain, and more than anything - self-hatred, that I can't keep living like this.

I don't want to sound dramatic but it's my life. And I HATE the person I am when I use - the last time I drank, I have NO idea what the &$%# happened. And it's so scary. My boyfriend does not and will not understand. He acts supportive at times and then tears me down with verbal abuse...I know it's a bad situation to be in and is jeopardizing my chances of getting and staying sober but there are a lot of issues involved that compel me to stay.

Please don't judge me. But I really need someone to be there for me right now - I'm afraid of what I may do. And I'm not being a drama queen. On top of the alcoholism, I had a serious injury in December and have been struggling with dependency on painkillers. Some are prescribed, some are not. That's the truth. So, I've got withdrawal to look forward to as well. I've successfully cut down over the last two days and am making a concerted effort to get off them no matter what.

I've also got a court date next week. My lawyer assures me everything will be alright (knock on wood) but the anxiety of the date approaching is pretty bad in terms of making things more overwhelming.

I just really need some help and would appreciate some support...it just seems like no one around me really understands. They love me when I'm sober (or secretly on opiates) but the drunk me has made them understandably apprehensive and resentful. I hate her too but I wish they loved me even with my problems. It's tough.

Anyway, I've rambled enough. Thank you for any input you may have. And yes, my life is unmanageable. :(

Welcome to SR! You will find a lot of support here. Please take some time and read the stickie posts at the top of this forum. There is a lot of helpful information there.

Congratulations on making the decision to live a sober life. :grouphug:

Hi and welcome!

I was in a very similar situation. I was addicted to painkillers and had even switched to heroin because it was cheaper. I drank to party, to combat withdrawal symptoms, for no reason at all. As you go through withdrawal from PK's it will be tempting to take a drink to ease the pain, but that only puts you in a much worse spot.

If I was in your place, I would get my court date sorted out and then try to get some help as you detox. There are many hospitals which will do it and even some rehab centers can help you detox comfortably. If you are in this zone and trying to do it alone it's very easy to 1-fail or 2-come out even more messed up and dependent on alcohol. I didn't know about the availability of hospital detox programs when I detoxed and I would have done it, in retrospect. In my situation I estimate it would have taken about 1 week, chances are you are in a similar spot. Once that is done and your body can relax a bit from craving substances all the time, then you can focus on your recovery. It can be a nightmare time if you do it alone, but it can be done--just stay strong and read lots of our stories on here, remember we pull for you even though we've never met in real life! AA is very accepting to people who have issues with other substances as well as alcohol, and as they are the most prominent and wide-spread group I would suggest you try out a couple meetings first! It's never what you think it is...and remember it is only up from here!

Stregnth,

FF

Welcome to SR.

If you are not already involved in a program of recovery I would recommend you find one that you are willing to try and throw yourself into it. I know my experience was that without a program of recovery I was not able to stop drinking and stay stopped for any real length of time. The program that works for me is AA but there are many others out there. There is a list at the top of this forum.

Thank you
 

Hi there, I did read through the stickies and am going to a women's meeting tonight. I won't have d/ts from alcohol since I don't drink every day - I'm a binge drinker and the blackouts have caused me such incredible shame and depression. I've gone through all the denial tricks with myself and have debated for years whether it's genetic or a matter of will. Who really cares why if it's ruining my life and my mind/spirit? I don't know - I just know that I'm at a point where I'm so scared about what tomorrow brings. This has brought me to my knees.

I have a chronic pain issue (three compressed vertebrae and spinal stenosis) so prescription drug abuse is part of my story too. Is there another forum I should join for that or can I get help here? Thank you again.

You'll find support here on another forum:
Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Don't let despair keep you mired in your problems.

Thank you.
 

Hi FF, I've been to Mannheim many moons ago and know how prevalent drinking is in Germany - I applaud you for your sobriety. :) I am not adverse to joining AA - I know I absolutely need it and am going to put my hand up at the meeting tonight and ask for help. As for the prescriptions, it's so hard for me to sort out since I DO have pain but I'm abusing the drugs for it, which is totally unacceptable. It's been about a month of hardcore use but I cut down drastically yesterday and today - which may account for the extreme depression I'm feeling. After my court date next Tuesday, I'm going to stop EVERYTHING. Period. I will live with the pain since I'd rather be in pain than participating in activities that go against my conscience and most importantly, are terrible for my health in the long run. I wish there was someone here in person who could help me but maybe I will find someone tonight at the meeting? Would it be ok to mention the pills when I raise my hand or is that a no-no? Thanks for all your help, guys. :ghug3

Hi :) So glad you joined us. I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time. Glad you made the decision to go to a meeting! I hope it goes well for you. I am an alcoholic and a drug addict, most recently are prescription pain killers - also happen to be a pain patient for many things wrong physically. I, too, have found myself abusing them. Anyways, welcome and our substance abuse forum will have support for you as well.

-Jess

It sounds like you won't be able to recover on your own, many of us have tried and failed. I would suggest medical help for any detox issues and a program of recovery, for me that is AA.

:welcome to SR

Hi Jess!
 

Strangely enough, I just read one of your threads! It must be meant to be. :) I hope you're doing better today - how are you feeling? Thank you for the the shout-out. Means a lot to me. :c009:PF

I'm going to AA tonight...
 

Thanks for the advice. I'm going to a meeting tonight.

Jess, do you think I should mention my pill abuse at the women's AA meeting or is that a no-no? Thanks for any advise you could give me...

At any AA meeting I go to it would be fine to mention your cross-addictions. In fact, it is the local custom to introduce yourself as "I'm X and I'm an alcoholic" or "I'm X and I'm an alcoholic and drug addict." Welcome to SR. I hope going to the meeting helps you understand that ALL of us have felt the way you do now, you are not alone at all, and you can get your life back on track.

GG

Welcome Phoenixfly!! You have found support here = ) I can relate to you on binge drinking/blacking out and the shame/remorse/terror it causes. Best of luck to you and if you ever need more support or want to vent feel free to private message me.

Thank you!
 

Thanks, GG. I need to hear SO BADLY that I can get my life back. I've just about given up and was contemplating suicide this morning. I love my stepdaughter and my Mom way too much to do that to them but that should tell you were my head is at. Thanks again. PF

Thank you.
 

I would like to PM you - can you tell me how to do that? I love you Harry Potter and Tool references too... :) :c029:

Hi :) I've been to many AA/NA meetings and it is absolutely the place to mention cross addictions, if you'd like. I will say though that sometimes it takes "trying out" more than one AA meeting to find the one that works for you. It happened to me. Either way, come back and let us know how your meeting went :)

Oh and thank you for asking! I'm def. doing better with the exception of the to be expected lack of sleep. Feels good being supermom again lol.

-Jess

To send a PM, left click on the user name. There may be a minimum number of posts you need to get to before they allaw a PM.

So glad you figured out how to PM me PF! Awesome that you appreciate HP and Tool! I love Dubby. My wife and I just went to the Wizarding World in May, it was awesome!! Tool is one of my favorite bands = ) Not sure if you are a NIN fan, but name is partially inspired by the song becoming off the downward spiral. Hope all goes well tonight!