y Michael is gone
 

What I post here tonight is the hardest thing I'll ever write...after several years of a very difficult struggle with alcoholism, my dearly beloved husband of 21 years died yesterday. He was only 56 years old. When I met him he was so full of life, love and happy to be alive. I was head over heels in love with him at first site. I had never met such a wonderful person. He made me laugh most of all. we bonded and his children came back to him after his divorce and he stuck very close to his aA meetings on a daily basis. I was also in recovery and we began a great life together. we bought an old house and fixed it up and we were perfectly content and in love and full of gratitude for what we had. He filled my life with a perfect balance. I felt safe,secure, loved, respected and he made me feel good about myself as I did him. we were a great couple and had some of the best times in my life. I do not know how to live in this world with out him now. I am in grief counseling and praying and sticking close to friends and family. I just want all you to know that I never dreamed he'd pick up a drink of alcohol and throw away everything we had but his disease wanted him badly...he fought it over the years but the help I gave him in trying to get him sober was never help he actually asked for. all the detoxs and jail and the VA, no one could help him. he came back to us many times but only for a short period of time. I let go many times and this last time when he really needed the help, I gave it over to God and didnt make him go to the hospital. he died homeless in an old sleezy motel. He overdosed on listerine, he drank it until he went into a coma and never came out of it who knows how long he lied there alone dying. I can't even beleive I'm writing this and sharing this. I just wanted you all to know that this disease wants your loved ones dead and being in love with someone like that is nothing but painful and you worry and have guilt and regrets but I don't today, I did everything I could and now I'm all alone in this world and am fortunate to have friends and I can get on with my life a day at a time. the grief is gripping at my soul right now and the pain is so overwhelming but I know it will pass..

if there is anyone else out there tonight that has lost a loved one from this awful disease, I sure would love to hear from you. I am reaching out desperately for support from this wonderful online community. I dont' know what I 'd do with out you right now. God bless every one of you and the alcoholics in your life. the ending to some of our stories is to the one we wanted. I didn't get what I wanted, I wanted him to be better again. we had 10 years of bliss together and 1o more of pure hell on earth. I have a lot of healing to do now. please pray for the soul of my dearly lost beloved Michael, the light has gone from my life.

I will be okay though. God has a plan for me...Mavis

So very sorry for your loss, Mavis.

My dear Mavis,

I am so sorry for the loss of your loved one. Words feel very inadequate at this time, but just know, while I've never (yet) lost a loved one to alcoholism, I am wishing you peace.

So sorry that you have to go through such a challenging time. I don't talk about it much but since you asked I'll try to share. Hope it may help somehow. I lost my brother to alcohol also ending in a coma even though he was in the hospital. Very sad. That is actually one of my motivators to stay sober so I won't put my Mom through that sort of thing again. Don't believe she could bear it twice. My Father was also a recovering alcoholic for most of his life. Lost him to cancer last year but he was sober. Even so, his alcoholism seemed to be a struggle at so many times in his life. It is just a dreadful disease.
I'm glad you had those 10 great years. That is a blessing that so many couples never know. I am very close to my wife and am thankful for each day. Your post reminds me to do that all the more.
I will pray for you as soon as I post this. Peace and Comfort to you.

Dearest Mavis,

My heart breaks for you tonight. I am so truly sorry for your loss, as well as your dear husbands loss. I am , however,happy for the fact that he and you knew real love, and that love remains forever, I believe with all of my heart.

We cannot make them quit, no matter how hard we try. No matter what we do. You gave him to God, and he is at peace now, in those loving arms.

I am sure that your love for him was something he kept in his heart, no matter how much his disease pulled at him, May your treasured memories comfort you. God bless and keep you.

Rest sweetly Michael. Your struggle is over, and you are free.

Thinking of you, prayerfully,
chicory

I knew you would all be here for me. thank you and please know it has added a ton of comfort to me in this terrible time. I don't know any of you but I identify with you. we are all in the same boat or we wouldn't be on this forum..when things were good, you never saw me on here that needs to change. I need to offer my loving support and give it back as it's been so freely given to me. Ive had a tremendous struggle, I dont have to worry about him anymore, I know have the daunting task of getting me well.

I'm the only person in the world that I have the power to change..

I think I will go for a hike on the local mountain in the morning and talk to Michael and try to let him go....it will be a long process. I know I'll be okay, I have a great job, beautiful house and wonderful friends. I am a survivor of a horrific chapter of my life. I still have gratitude. I'm so glad that he is not suffering anymore. God saw that he could not pull himself out of this and took him home. I love you sweetheart. tht will never go away. I will see him again someday in the next life and we will be soul mates again. I am so full of sorrow and pain today.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Every six months I see my Dad (he lives in Mexico-I live in the states) and I'm watching him slowly deteriorate and it's so difficult. My heart goes out to you Mavis.

Prayers for you going out...:hug:

I am so sorry to know of your loss.

i'm so sorry for your loss. i'll be praying for you

Very sad, but a true dose of reality, this disease in dangerous, it is deadly, it will take you out......

Thats so incredibly sad Mavis, I hope you can find some peace and comfort in the memories of your time together, my prayers are going out for you.

mavis,im so very sorry for your loss.and thankful you had those wonderful 10 years together.

So sorry for your loss :-(

Dear Mavis
Wishing you peace, strength and comfort in your loss. May you gather strength
in the knowledge of the great times you had. My prayers go to you in this very difficult time.

You must be in enormous pain ... I'm so very sorry for your loss. Please keep coming and hopefully we can help you heal.

Mavis - I can only imagine what you're going through. I've had 2 uncles die of alcoholism, and now another aunt and uncle are in danger of dying from this disease. If there's one thing I've learned from my own experience and the experiences of my extended family, it's that love isn't a cure - you can go over the past a million times trying to figure out whether there's something you could have said or done differently to save him, but the fact is that an alcoholic can only save themselves. And speaking from my own experience, there are times that we want to save ourselves and can't. There are times that we know we're killing ourselves, but we can't stop.
My thoughts are with you.

((Mavis))

I pray that you find comfort in your memories of the joy that the two of you shared, and I pray that Michael is finally resting in peace free form this horrid disease.

I too love an alcoholic, and even though an ocean separates us right now, it doesn't hurt any less to know when he is drinking and that there is not a damn thing I can do to help him.

I don't know what else to say. Thank you for sharing with us.

I'm sorry for your loss Mavis. Prayers for Michael and all who love him.

D

So sorry for your loss.
Sending you thoughts and prayers.
May you get peace.

Mavis, I'm so sorry for your pain. I will pray for Michael and all who loved him. Please know that your post will help others.

Mavis first I want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. You are helping me right now, believe me. My last drunk was on the day your husband died. I picked up another (I pray the last) white chip on the 11th. My family is riddled with alcoholic tragedy. My grandfather literally drank himself to death. Fortunately I have a forgiving and understanding partner at home who has been such a help so far. Again, I am so sorry for your loss and I thank you for sharing this here with us.

Love and peace to you Mavis.

Mavis this disease can be so cruel sometimes It seems the longer I am in meetings the more people I lose but two stand out for me.

My brother was 19 when he was killed by a drunk driver.

My ex who I was with for 8 years we met of all places detox that probably should of gave me a clue? I will tell you though some of those years with him were some of the best I have ever had.

We stayed sober together for short periods of time and then one of us always relapsed then the other would.

I finally left for good after he had cheated on me w/our drunk upstairs neighbor. See by then he was a drunk and I had switched addictions to drugs.

He moved in w/one of my so called best girlfriends and literally drank himself to death. The Dr's told him if he didn't stop he would die. He already had 1/2 of his insides taken out, and he still couldn't quit. He was only in his 40's when he died.

I moved away and haven't been out there abusing drugs or alcohol for a little over 7 years now.

My prayers are with you please stay close to your support group and you can PM me anytime if you need to vent.:grouphug:

I'm truly sorry to hear of your loss and hope you find peace.

I also know the pain of losing someone to alcoholism - my younger brother died at 36 from liver cancer as the result of cirrhosis. He went out with seven years of rock solid sobriety under his belt.

To this day I still struggle with how an 18 year old develops cirrhosis of the liver at such a young age, but that was the case.

That is this disease.

I'm always at a loss for words in these circumstances, and if I could, I'd reach out and give you a big hug. Sending prayers your way. :grouphug:

(((Mavis)))) - I'm so very sorry for your loss.

I am a recovering crack addict, and left the man I loved because we shared that addiction and he didn't want to quit. I only saw him once, after that, at his mom's funeral, but wrote letters to him when he was in jail, telling him how my life was going (in recovery) and though I would always love him, I would never be with him again as he was in love with crack.

It's been almost 2 years since he died. Though I often felt that would be his outcome, it still hurt.

There are days, now, when I'm driving through the countryside, or just having a really good day, and I "talk" to him. I tell him I'm going to tuck him inside my heart, take him along with me for the day, and let him see what a good day REALLY feels like, a day that drugs are the farthest thing from my mind.

I thank him for letting me be a part of his family when he was alive (he had an AWESOME family and his mom was extremely supportive of me getting my life together).

Though I didn't have nearly the time with him as you had with ((Michael)) and only saw few times when he wasn't on drugs, we had a special bond and I grieve that he never could find his way to recovery for any length of time. The best times we ever had was when we were at his mom's, no drugs, and were constantly cutting up with each other and laughed so hard, tears would fall.

I truly believe he is with his mom, and is free from all addiction brought into his world.

Grief takes time, and it's individual for everyone. Please allow yourself that time, and know that we are all here for you.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Thank you everyone
 

The love and support I have found here just now is overwhelming to me. I don't know any of you but you and only you truly understand what this awful disease can do to a person and their friends and family. I no longer have to worry if I don't get a text message or a phone call if he's okay.

I have to deal with this grief and move on. I had actually been doing very well for awhile now, he was gone physically from my life but there was that connection, that soulmate/best friend connection. I changed my life about 3 years ago, I started hiking and kayaking and birdwatching, camping and getting into my gardening again and taking care of my little house. I go to work and need my routine back. I'll go back to work on Thursday. Sunday a.m. the family is having a get together and scattering his ashes. I will take some of his ashes and go to Northern Maine and scatter the rest where he loved to go the most. it is part of the healing process. I am at peace with the fact he is gone, I truly have already accepted it but the lingering biting pain of the loss is truly overwhelming. counseling will help, being with his son Chris will help and my friends. God bless you all in your struggles with this diease and loved ones that have it. I am a success story 25 years sober in AA and I am very lucky. I'm one of the very truly grateful recovering alcoholics that have so far made it a day at a time. that is what I'll do now, pray, take a step forward a day at a time. Mavis..

You know Mavis1, the really sad thing is that he was searching for the same things we all are, peace and happiness. He just got lost on his journey and found some comfort in alcohol. There is no understanding it, acceptance is all we have.

Oh Mavis,

I'm so sorry for your loss and send prayers and good wishes to you and your family. Michael sounds like an amazing man who became lost on his journey. His story is such a grim reminder about the deadliness of this disease and has probably already prevented or at least postponed a relapse or two...and that is really all we can hope for, temporary relief from our addiction one day at a time. Thank you for sharing with us.

You sound like an amazing person yourself and I'm glad to hear you still have so much to live for...a life that will be enhanced by the wonderful memories of your beloved once the grief begins to subside.

:hug:

Prayers Mavis. Wishing you strength.