Sobriety ruined my marriage
 

I have been sober for 106 days. My husband doesn't drink at all and never has. We have been married for 20 years most of which I was a pretty heavy drinker. About 5 years ago it started getting really bad to the point that by the time I quit I was drinking up a fifth of Jim Beam daily!! I just quit one day cold turkey, didn't make any kind of big thing out of it just quit. Ok so here I am thinking my husband going to be so proud of me happy about the money not being wasted on booze, no more putting up with my drunken rants and so on you get the picture. Instead just the opposite. I think he loved me as a drunk or maybe I just didn't realize how this guy treats me like **** and talks down to me ALL of the time. I have been sober for three months and I am ready to end a twenty year marriage. Or I guess I could start drinking again and save our relationship ( jk ). Has anybody else experienced anything like this?? I thought my life was supposed to get better when I got sober!?!???

I think your moment of clarity is here. A divorce from reality but it's the REAL deal.

Well, I think there can be 'surprises' like that when we begin recovery.

The thing is, people often find change hard, and probably your husband liked the old relationship and being able to put you down. Also, as you are recovering, you see things in a different perspective. I know that I am looking at my relationships in a different light now.

Yup. It's common (sad to say.)

Your husband married a drinker - so he could take care of you, feel like the big man, etc.

You drastically changed the dynamic. Now he doesn't know what his role is. You changed the rules on him - you need to address this. You, not him.

I have absolutely no experience in any of this except that I'm a human being. So with that I would say don't rush into any decisions too quick. You are going through a lot of changes especially in the brain and the mind. I like to think that once I started sobering up the seeds of a revolution began to germinate in my mind. But there was a lot of turmoil before that.

I don't have similar experiences to share on this (since I am not married or attached!). But this sounds familiar to me, based on what I have been learning here. Sometimes the spouse has a problem with the alcoholic who has quit drinking because of change in the relationship. (Change is scary and shakes up the dynamics of a relationship, and some people manage to think the relationship is "working" when alcoholism exists.) The alcoholic can also wake up to things too of course and wonder if they are in the right place.

I'm not in there that often, but there is a section for Friends Of on this site. I have seen good posts in there before by people who share what they have gone through because of alcohol in their lives. There might be something in there that speaks to you on this subject. There is also a Women's section (which I haven't been in since I am a man), and that topic might have come up in there too.

Hi! Congrats on 106 days:)

You and your husband have gone through a big change...before you file papers maybe seeing a counselor might be in order?

Welcome to SR...:wave:

Well done on your sober time
:funjump:

This has nothing to do with marriage ..or maybe it does?

As a drinker...the men I had long time relationships with
no longer suited the sober me.
I out simply out grew them..:)

I certainly never would have stayed married to my ex as long as I did if I hadn't been drinking.

GG

Maybe your husband was just used to talking down to you when you were drunk and is still just in the habit of doing it now. If he sees changes in your behavior which I'm sure he will, he might get out of that old habit and treat you like an equal. If he does change it may take some time since habits take time to develop and quit as we know! :) I wish the very best for you!

106 days is awsome...good for you!

I have no real advice for you other than my own brief story.....

My wife gave me the ultimatum to either quit drinking or it was over between us.

My quitting didnt really help anyway and we are still on the verge of going our separate ways, drinking or not.

Congrats on 106 days! I've been married for nearly 10 years and I thought that once I sobered up things would be a whole lot better but I'm not so sure it works that way. Things are improving little by little and our marriage is in a better place than it was but I did alot of damage to the relationship over the years and I guess it will take quite a while to sort out. My wife still struggles alot with all the things I've done and said to hurt her.
I would try to give it time and see if the dynamic changes at all before leaving.

I went through that. I thought I was going this big welcome home. I was certain everyone was just as ecstatic about me not drinking as I was. Boy
I was wrong. Ill stick to my hubby than all of it….my therapist to me not to make any huge plans, commitments or give up anything until your 1 yr, simply bc I woul’nt be ready till then. So I waited…still things are complex and complicated, but we made It so far. Im not throwing in the towel yet…weve gotten through a lot of our messes…and Ill keep moving forward and continue w/ the hard work for sobriety .The answers and solution will come if u pray about it.

I was married 6+ years drinking, and 25yrs sober. Marriage is hard, but you owe it to your marriage to try over a few years to see what it can develop into.

You're going to be getting better/different for a long time, and you'll be bringing new things to the marriage, new ways of seeing and doing things.

The way it is now is NOT the way it will stay.

I know that for me right now, in my first year, that I have mood swings all the time, sometimes more than once a day. I know this shall pass; so regardless of how I feel, I try not to act upon it. Feelings are not facts. So I am having marriage troubles also and I do not plan on working extremely hard on that. I have been merely trying to turn my will over to GOd and attend meetings every day. Everything else that happens to me I either deserve or will be worked out in time. Hang in there and don't drink, and God will steer you in the right direction.

Have you sat down with your husband and told him how you feel and how you react to his behavior? give it the time for a good talk. maybe he is IS obtuse, but maybe he is waiting it out too.

I know when I was drinking, a lot of toxic relationships in my life were blurred, masked.. and I ignored them. The clarity I've found in sobriety is amazing, and difficult at times.. but definitely for the best.

When I met my ex I drank a lot he drank and smoked a lot of pot, we had a great time together and this went on for about 4 yrs then I decided to get healthy, I quit drinking, quit smoking and started exercising regularly, (quitting drinking at that time was not a big deal for me). He continued to drink socially but he quit smoking dope (at least around me). Within a year of my quitting drinking I realized that my marriage kind of sucked, when I was drinking I didn't see the problems- sober I saw them all too clearly but I wanted the marriage to work. We stayed married another 3 yrs then he left me for another woman and then I went back to drinking with a vengeance.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice. I have been thinking alot about this... I am the one who changed. I let him treat me like **** because I thought I deserved it, I thought very little of my self so I let him treAt me that way. Now I am beginning to gain some self respect, I I'm no longer willing to be talked to like I'm worthless. He is going to have to change with me or I will have to leave. I did not mention this before but he also keeps trying to find reasons for me to drink, valentines day, new years his b-day & now my 40th b-day is in a couple months and he's already talking about that. I just don't think my sobriety means a damn thing to him.

Is counseling an option, 5brats? With someone who is hip to the dynamics of alcoholism in a relationship, particularly.

It is a big, big adjustment for the sober partner. He's adjusted to dealing with you as a drinker and that was probably hard for him to do, now all of a sudden you have changed the rules by quitting. I don't think it's fair to expect him to change just that quick.

I was where you are...my marriage went down the tubes quickly when I quit drinking (not forever but that's a different story) in the mid 1990s. In retrospect I realised that I changed the dynamics, then got angry when my husband didn't love the shiny new sober me....but I was a drinker when we got together, he knew it and married me anyway. Then I changed my routine somewhat drastically and expected him to be 100% on board, and of course he wasn't....in my case, part of the deal was he liked being the caretaker and responsible one in the marriage. When I got sober, I took that away from him.

I recall reading that it's a fragile point in a relationship when one person becomes sober because the dynamics have changed...I'm only relating my own experience here, but maybe there's something you can use?

Congratulations on 107 days, in any case!

Heh Hi!

1st off, your user name tickles me :-)

2nd, sobriety hasn't ruind your marriage, but maybe something else, like alcohol abuse even!

Poss' how your marriage grew with the abuse as part of the equation, just doesn't fit with your (or his, or both) altogether new take on things.

I dunno, it just sruck me.

Concider that angle, if it makes sense to you. :-)

I to thought my marriage would automatically fix itself when I quit drinking. As a result of defogging my brain and working a recovery program, I was able to shed at least some of my delusional thinking.

Turns out that delusional thinking was what got me into my marriage in the first place and it was delusional thinking that held it together for as long as it did.

I have come to appreciate that there is a good reason why delusional thinking has evolved in us humans. Without it, very few of us would get married or have kids. Our very survival as a species depends on it LOL!

@ Boleo :rotfxko

It doesn't sound like sobriety "ruined" anything. Doesn't sound like a healthy relationship in any way.

Of course, I'm only hearing your version of it. Usually there is another side, and I simply don't have enough information to know which came first, your dysfunctional relationship or the alcoholism, and how, exactly, your husband's behavior might be a response to your drinking.

Unless there is physical abuse (in which case, you should plan to get out, safely, as soon as possible) or extreme mental, emotional, or verbal abuse, my suggestion is that you wait until you've been sober for a year to make any major decisions about the marriage.

Put your sobriety first--it will put you in the best position to make the healthiest choice for yourself.

Of course there are two sides to this or any story, I am venting alot I guess. The marriage wasn't perfect before I quit drinking and I guess I was stupid to think that my life would magically become better once I quit drinking. I guess I did expect him to be happy about it maybe even proud of me. I really did not expect him to prefer me drinking. He really seems resentful at times that I quit, when I bring it up he says well I never told you to quit drinking!! I don't know...I'm not trying to come across as a victim, I'm just venting. I really just never heard of a relationship suffering because of sobriety. I want him to be happy for me and respect me. Instead I feel like he was happier with the way things were.

I'm soo confused!!! Please excuse the whining... Ugh lol

Nah, whining and venting are allowed, just don't waste too much energy on it.

One of the things I have heard "in the rooms" that I like is that expectations are premeditated resentments.

Give it some time, maybe he will come around, or maybe you will discover you have outgrown him. It IS disappointing when people aren't happy with the fact that we are getting better. Hang in there, and DON'T let it discourage you from reclaiming your life!

Hi there
 

Hi there 5 Brats,
You know that song Toby Keith sings" you aint no fun since I quit drinking" lol
Give it some more time. It's only been three months and I'm sure both of you have some adjusting to each other and your actions toward each other. I know that when I drink on a frequent basis, one day runs into the next. Now you have a clear head and everything is suppose to be good. All those years you drank may left some damage behind my friend. So, just take it easy and take a back seat for a few more months. Give it some time . :)

Mike

your problem is a lot like mine. When I was drunk I let people roll all over me. I payed for my bf who was without a job and worked, cleaned etc. He did nothing but abuse me. Once I started to clean up I recognized things and we broke up. Sometimes splitting up is for the best. With time your confidence will grow, you will grow and handle situations different and you will recognice you deserve to be treated way better and that you deserve to be made happy. If he is not making you happy and treats you badly, believe me you deserve better and can do better easily. Men will stand in line to get to know you

5brats, what you said about him finding reasons to incorporate alcohol offerings into the picture kind of speaks to what I was saying earlier - how people try to maintain the "normal" that is there. For all I know - and I don't - having you in the position of drinker might fit into the groove he wants as the person who has something to pick on. I don't know all the answers, but there are dynamics to a relationship. The hand either fits the glove nicely or it's an ordeal, but there's a hand a glove one way or another. It sounds like you are looking into this situation, and about all I can say is to keep doing that and find the best solution. We put Not Drinking way up high on the list when we quit and feel like we are getting on the right path, so it's natural to have an aversion to influences around us that don't sing the same tune as we do.

5brats, I can definitely relate. When I first quit I thought that everything would just magically get better. I have struggled with my wife in that regard. It was like she didn't have her biggest weapon to use against me when things weren't going good. My drinking was an easy excuse for everything that went wrong in our household. Well, as we are both finding out, there are problems in life in sobriety too. Please give it some time. It took years of drinking to make things the way they are. It will probably take a little longer than 3 or 4 months for them to be the way we envision.