Chronic relapser
 

I am a chronic relapser. I am on Day 2 again. I stopped counting. I have been in a pattern of renewing my desire to get sober, going strong for a few days or a week or even more and then caving to the desire to drink, even though part of me knows that I don't really want it and won't really enjoy it.

I know that I am not the only person who has gone through this. What have other people done? Should I even bother trying to stay sober? Why do I get angry when I hear my husband say he'd like a beer and know that he'll be able to have a few then not pick up a drink again for a few weeks? Why do I fear giving up the bottle once and for all? Why, when I know how good I can feel with a month or two of sobriety, would I even consider picking up?

:headbange

lilac - here comes a big hug. You will get your months together. It's not always easy, but saying no to the cravings does get much easier.

vee

Lilac, I went back and read through some of your other posts. You've gotten some great advice and you claim to understand it. There is never any clear indication of why you thought you relapsed each time. The obvious answer is that you're an alcoholic, but there are usually SOME kind of warning signs. In this case, did you expose yourself to a risky situation with alcohol around? Was there some stressful event? A resentment against a person or situation? Had you been dry long enough to get over the withdrawal symptoms? Give us some more info.

I am the same way. Maybe we haven't hit rock bottom yet? Since the disease is progressive I am sure that is what awaits us.

Guys, I support and empathize with you, but there seems to be an idea here the the reasons you relapse are completely incomprehensible and that you don't have any insight into your own behavior. I think you're smarter than that. We drink to make ourselves feel different. What specific feeling were you trying to change the last time?

I agree with the PP.

I was also a chronic relapser and can can tell you when it turned around for me.

I didn't really think that sober living could be enjoyable. I really thought it was second best. For me,

Good = normal living.
Better = normal living + alcohol.

I really had not understood that I CAN NOT have a normal life when I drink. For me that second scenario (normal living + alcohol) is unattainable. It's the elusive moderation. I was not a particularly low bottom alcoholic (I am still married and still have custody of my children) but still I can't live normally and drink. I ALWAYS want 8 drinks. And I ALWAYS want to drink, every day. I can sometimes stop at 2. But it's a herculean effort. A pyrrhhic victory. I don't feel satisfied after it.

So I didn't believe then that I could subtract alcohol from my life and (mostly) not miss it and REALLY enjoy most days. I grew up with drinking/alcoholic parents and saw alcohol as the cherry on every sundae. I saw no joy in ending the day with a cup of hot chocolate and good book. That was for lame people.

And I didn't want to be a recovering alcoholic either because I didn't want to spend my nights in church basements talking about Jesus. I know now that's not true but it was another lie I told myself to enable my drinking. I know now that there are sober people everywhere living normal lives.

So anyway I didn't get and stay happily sober for any period of time (and I only have 4 months!!) until I realized that there is a way to live. Actually LIVE a happy, normal engaged life.

For me to quit...regardless of external circumsances
.I had to want to more than I wanted to drink.

I was surprized to discover I needed more than not drinking.
I needed to learn how to live sober..and enjoy it.

Then it was imperative for me to make drastic changes
in my lifestyle and find support of others with the same goals.

We can and do recover...:yup:
Hope you will win over alcohol too.

I had to stop defining myself as a 'chronic relapser-- it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Instead, I asked myself what might have caused the relapse, and what I can do this time around so this won't be an issue-- it's like diving to the bottom of a pool with holes in the bottom and trying to plug them all up before you come up for air. You start running out of breath, and come to the surface to breathe before all your holes are plugged, and soon, your pool drains dry. What I had to do, was put on a wet suit and stay down there as long as it takes. Sometimes I notice that once I think I have all the holes plugged, the ones I plugged at first will come loose, and I will have to go back and re-plug them. It's a constant process, but in my experience, the only thing that keeps this former 'chronic relapser' clean and sober.

Just wanted to share my own experience, as someone who relapsed over a dozen times before putting two months together. There is hope!

I had to fill the void in my soul that I was filling with alcohol. I substituted gratitude for drinking.:) Instead of counting my miseries, which made me want to drink, I counted my blessings... and there were many.:) The more I was grateful, the more there was to be grateful for.... and the less I wanted to drink.:) Try it. What do you have to lose but your misery?:)

Gratitude was a big one for me-- learning to stay grateful for the things I had, and reminding how quickly my drinking/using could take them away...

I've gone through the chronic relapsing phase. I did however keep working on my recovery program knowing that I would get better. It was the hope of a better life that became a driving force.

One thing that helps me in recovery is changing my reaction to life. That in turn is changing me in a deep and meaningful way.

ZZ - Yes, there are warning signs with each time I pick up. And they always involve me going to a liquor store first (meaning I should take some deep breaths instead and think about the things I am grateful for).

Here are some of my triggers: fear of not being good enough/failure (which recently has been brought about by compliments from superiors on my work) and stress/exhaustion from being emotionally and physically drained from my work and feeling completely out of balance to the point of just wanting to shut down.

Earlier today my husband mentioned that he'd like a beer, which made me think of a cocktail, but instead I took some deep breaths and thought about how great it is to wake up sober and be clear-headed all day. Neither of us drank. I am glad.

This was one of my many triggers too lilac. Get a compliment from my superiors at work, ruminate on that awhile, stir in some perfectionism and voila! I want to check out.

NOw you didnt drink today.
Be grateful for that.
I am

Beth

Well, lilac, it sounds like you processed that trigger from your husband well, congratulations.

A master with many years of sobriety in one of my groups described developing the skill of "staying ahead of his own thoughts". Understanding how certain situations would make him feel and then intentionally doing something to re-direct his thoughts if they are going in an unproductive direction.

Plus, the longer you are sober, the easier it is to just take comments and situations in stride. Things that would have made me pretty upset after 6 months or a year of sobriety seem trivial to me now at 18 months.

Plus trusting that your higher power really will work things out for the best can be a BIG help (obvious, I know). Just some things to think about.

Regarding your work: Is this a situation where you really are being held responsible for things you can't control? Or do your superiors understand that there are certain things that you reasonably can or can't do?

My counselor in rehab last year said something to me that I didn't 'hear'...he said YET when I said I hadn't experienced what most people who were there with me had. Their stories were really out there compared to mine.

YET=you are eligible too.

I wish I had listened. Now a yr later...I am divorced, my husband has custody of my 5 yr old and my best friend of 25 yrs died in car accident (shown in my siggy) in Oct. If I only had taken action before this tragedy. Now, I can't turn back the clock and have to live with this the rest of my life.

For lilac....my favorite new saying is Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes. Have you tried meetings? Chat here at sr.com and going to meetings has really made a difference this time.

Yes, I am painfully aware that I only been sober for 4 months.

Just don't want you to get comfy...I did, and you see what happened to me. I don't want that to happen to any of you. :ghug3

Great job on 4 months, that is fanflippintastic!!!! :You_Rock_

Not drinking is hard sometimes, but having to start over from the beginning and go through that same crap each time is even harder. I try to remember how hard it is to start over and realize, it just isn't worth it to have to go through that.

Oh and you get angry at your husband, because you have resentments about his being able to drink and you can't. I would advise you to do everything you can to get rid of those, because I held on to my resentments which kept me drinking, which in the end caused me more misery and pain.

Go in a quiet room by yourself. Ask God for help. Ask God to keep you sober and safe. Call information on your phone and ask for the AA number in your area if you don't have an AA directory or don't know where an AA meeting is.

Then get to an AA meeting in your area as soon as possible. That means going to a meeting Sunday, December 26, 2010. Protect your sobriety as you would a crying baby. It's got to come before EVERYTHING, including your husband.

Oh, goodness, no. My current boss is awesome and I've discussed my anxiety and perfectionism with him. I am in the legal profession...I have had judges tell me that they think I do a great job in the courtroom. I am deeply humbled, because having a judge compliment a lawyer is...I don't know it leaves me speechless and deeply grateful that I have a job in which I can be successful. But then I start worrying about screwing up. If people think I do a good job, what will happen when I mess up? Note that I said "when," not "if," because mistakes are inevitable no matter what you do for work. I do know that, but I still get freaked out.