Lilac....
You might find this approach interesting

SMART Recovery® | Self Help for Alcoholism & Addiction

All my best

Carol, I read that Smartrecovery paper on perfectionism. Essentially, it seems to be repeating the idea that expecting perfection at all times is logically unreasonable. I get the impression Lilac already understands this.

I get the vibe that it's not so much the potential for failing itself that bugs her, but more people's reactions when it eventually does happen (lilac, correct me if I'm wrong).

Some professions, like surgery and piloting airplanes, have a culture of literally zero failures. They act as if human perfection is feasible, first, because they want to make as few mistakes as possible, and second, they want to project an aura of infallibility to society. When mistakes DO happen in those professions, they tend to find a scapegoat, hang all responsibility on that one person or thing, make some trivial change in training or practices, then forget the whole thing and go on with the charade.

However, almost no other professions are like that. There is an almost universal understanding in well-run organizations that occasional mistakes will happen, and it's expected that teammates will pick up the slack when necessary. A person's standing in the organization is usually only questioned after REPEATED mistakes that should be easily avoided. Most people can come up with any number of examples of gaffes people have made that have been readily forgiven or not even noticed. I take some comfort in this when I get perfectionist feelings. Just some thoughts.

Stay strong Lilac, you seem very sincere in your desire for recovery.

Carol, thanks for the link! Good article!

ZZ, you seem to get it better than I do. Yes, I fear - wow, big admission, I FEAR - how people will react when I do fail. So often I will self-sabotage, intentionally fall short of doing my best, or just give up. Same may be true with my sobriety. What could happen if I do achieve more than a few months? THEN what if I screw up?

I don't like people being disappointed in me...OMG I am still a people pleaser even though on the outside I say that I could care less. Wow. WOW! I hate rejection so I just choose not to get too close to people. When people say they look up to me, I don't let them see my weaknesses. I guess this is a good topic for my prayer and meditation for the next week or two. Thanks!

Just as it had for me. Well put. I came out of my first rehab in 1984 and my second in 1987. Been going to AA meetings since 1984, with a brief hiatus in between those years from losing hope in 1985 before finally having no conditions on my sobriety in 1987. Been that way since. When I came out of rehab in 1984, I was using on day two, and many days afterwards, but would still go to meetings, and only be able to get clean and sober for short interludes. Heck, I don't know what those people expected of me. I was going to one meeting a week. One month I even went to 5 meetings.
And I would tell some people I 'relapsed' each time I used. And I would think those people were supposed to fix the problems I had and understand I had triggers they didn't or something, like my irrational wife, for instance who did not support me in my recovery. I had conditions on my recovery then. I would 'project' my supposed relapses, as you put it in a way.

It wasn't until 1987, I got serious and was able to get sober by making a commitment of going to daily meeings and getting a sponsor and getting involved IN AA and not AROUND AA.


What I didn't know then, was that 'relapses' weren't the drink or the drug. What I didn't know till I actually got sober was, that relapse was merely a regression of the way one 'thinks'. But to have one change his or her thinking, one had to go through the steps and be sober for some time. So, for those like me, who could only get days or weeks at a time, and then drink or use again, I don't really think I was a 'chronic' relapser. I was just a 'never got sober' person at that time. My thinking had never actually changed at the time, so I could not have actually 'relapsed' from any new way of 'thinking.' Now, when a person has some long time sobriety and drinks again, it has become a firm belief of mine, that what precedes them from refraining from attending AA meetings or calling others, is that they simply lose their willingness to listen. They revert to some old lies, and think there is nothing new to learn. They forget that 'more shall be revealed'. And sadly enough, they probably even get themselves to believe they never mattered to anyone to begin with and feel useless all over again, which is proably farthest from the truth. In other words, they become as unteachable as they were the day before they walked through those doors.

No, I do not believe in relapsing. I believe in choices we all make. One either wishes to stay sober more than they wish to drink or use. We all have to make that same choice, despite what tribulations we deal with. And we all get our share of those too in this life. None of us will get cheated of those either, that's a given. But drinking or drugging will not make anything better.

And despite what anyone else may think, relapse is NOT part of recovery...or at least it is not a necessity.

Yes, there is. And that is how I got here in the first place. Thanks again, for sharing what you did.

That is typical alcoholic behaviour...have you tried a program of recovery?

I went through the same thing and after the 100th time of trying to quit it would have become obvious to a same person that i couldn't just think this through and then be smart about not drinking...there were plenty of people to tell me that's all i needed to do though but that never worked for long...i needed help...

ZZ speaking from my experience as a former private piolet...
it was my favorite all time hobby
checking out the plane before you fly is a personal responsibilty .

Speaking as an AA recovered alcoholic....that too makes me
responsible for my choice to be safe...:)

Lilac...:)
I did not know if you were aware of SMART or not.
That's why I shared the link.
I was already sucessfully sober when it was founded...
tho I found SMART elped me in another area.

I got myself to a meeting last night. I fought back at all the excuses: it's not until 8pm, that's too late I need time to wind down before bed in order to be able to sleep (Answer to that was if I don't drink, I will have an easier time dealing with less sleep).

Another excuse: this town is so small, and I am a prosecutor who sees lots of people with alcohol and drug problems. Answer: so what? I need help. So do they. If we end up seeing each other at an AA meeting, then we are taking a step in the right direction.

Excuse: Everyone is older/has more sobriety than me. Answer: So what? we are all alcoholics trying to keep ourselves from drinking and learning to live a new way of life. (And as it turned out one of the people there had "only" a year, compared to the decade plus of a couple of others).

Excuse: maybe I should just have a drink tonight. Answer: NO. I am not drinking, no matter what.

There were only 5 people. I was welcomed warmly. It was informal and friendly. The 3 men were far more welcoming to me (but not in a 13th step way at all), than the one other woman in the room. I can choose my thoughts about and reactions to people, places and things. I choose to remain neutral or to lean on the side of a positive interpretation.

Looking forward to another meeting tonight!

Day 5. Saying no to alcohol gets easier each day.

Good job, lilac! I love how you talk about getting through all the excuses - sounds SO familiar!

This is a biggie for me, as positivity doesn't come "naturally." I had a little idea yesterday: to get a journal for 2011 and write something in it everything that I'm grateful for. I'm excited to see if that helps me think more positively. Hope so!

Thanks for the post - keep going strong!:c031:

Yeah, good for you. Sounds like you've got the right attitude.

Gratitude is huge. Having been in a pretty bad spot and coming out of it, my husband and I have a new appreciation for the roof over our heads, being able to pay the bills, our health...the list goes on. I totally love the idea of journaling about gratitude.

Positive thinking is definitely not my forte, unless I am giving someone else a pep-talk! Trying to give myself a bit of that now. That whole affirmation thing. It feels funny convincing myself that I am able and deserve to be happy, healthy, etc. Let's see if I can keep the positive attitude (or at least not get bogged down in a dark cloud) when something goes awry...

congratulations on your progress lilac :)

D

We can be sober regardless of anyone or anything. (including ourselves!)

Proud of you :c011:

Because you made the choice to drink and now you've made the choice to not drink.