Need to reach out
 

I really need some help/advice on a situation that I have. I will try to keep it short. I am sober almost a year, 11/21 will be one year. Previously I had made it over a year, about the same time and slipped up.

The night before I decided to try sobriety again, my boyfriend and I went out. Of course, I drank too much and so did he. He decided that we should walk home from the bar (not too long of a walk but when you are really drunk and in very high heels its not too easy). Well, being my usually stupid drunkin self, I decided I could not walk anymore. He got angry, desperate to get us home and was drunk himself and I guess just lost it because of how I was acting. He started pushing me and pulling me, pretty much dragging me across the grass and sidewalk, really not giving me much of a chance to get up. I tried to go to someones house and get help, but of course they would not answer (who would really cant blame them). I had bruises on my arms and was all dirty and muddy. I did manage to flag down a car, who turned out to be an off duty cop. Told him what happened, he called locals, brought me home and I went to stay with my parents for the night. I personally view this as abuse regardless of how drunk I was. This man has never ever done this before and has not since. While I do know that acohol can make us do things we never would, coming up the anniversary of this time, I am harboring resentment and cannot let go of it. Its hard because this is also a time I should be happy to have a year of sobriety.

At the same time, I feel as though maybe my drinking contributed to it? Is there anyone else who thinks that maybe their drinking contributed to someone elses behavior? I am also angry at myself for staying because I always said I would never let anyone do that to me.

Thank you all for reading if you do and just being here. Even feels good just to post.

No one has the right to violently put their hands on another person for any reason other than self defense. Yes, what he did is considered abuse. Are you still with him?

Yes suki I am and that I why I am having such a hard time right now. I feel like maybe I am wrong to be with him but that I should have left then.

So, it's coming up on a year since this incident happened? It's possible that his condition caused him to be rougher than he thought he was being IF he hasn't ever done anything like that before or since. However, if I were in any way frightened of him, I don't think I could stay with him.

I also wanted to ad that at this point I really feel like I need to work on myself and my sobriety. I am very isolated and have been going alone with it for a long time. Maybe AA would be an answer. And if I work on me some, I can make the decisions I need to make easier.

I'm a hard core alcoholic but I have NEVER EVER pushed, pulled, dragged or raised a hand to my wife or my kids.
Yes I feel he has abusive tendencies and you should be very leary of staying with this man.

Suki I am not scared of him at all, but I have so much resentment towards him. Which is not good. Maybe I need to talk to a therapist and work on this.

And I feel like I let myself down, because I went against a belief that I had that if anyone ever did that to me I would leave. I am disappointed in myself.

Hon, you have the right to do whatever you feel is best for YOU. If you feel you need time apart to work on your issues, then you have every right to do that. If he truly loves you, he will understand and give you the time you need. If he doesn't want to do that, then you have your answer and will know that he isn't interested in what is truly best for you.

Change, the simplest part of this to answer for me is that resentment is something to work on, and it sounds like you know how they are related to alcoholism. I don't think alcoholics are automatically the most resentful people on earth, but there is something about the emotion that we have a hard time with, and alcohol created an ease and a simulation of dealing with it or getting past it.

But when it comes to the specifics of the night, have you and he talked about it, and does he agree with your recollections? Is it the manhandling and injury that irritates (not sure of the right word) you the most or the fact that he was not listening and forcing you along? Part of me sees his forcing you along as a way of doing what he had to in order to get you home (but it was abrasive in the process, obviously). Would he have been scared the longer it took him to get home? Does he regret this?

Is there anything else wrong with the way he treats you now or is it purely this incident that bothers you? Sometimes people realize they can't stay with a person after they get better, not just because the other person is actively abusive in some way but because the connection is no longer there. And in order for the recovering addict to keep a good thing going, they need to move on. I have no idea where you fit in, in light of those statements, but I hope it works out.

thank you toronto, so much of what you say makes sense. Yes, he agrees with my recollections and at the same time he does say he was extremely desperate to just get us home. And he does regret it. And maybe at the same time, there is a lack of connection since I have stopped drinking. It is so hard to say since both of these things happened at the same time (both the stopping drinking and the incident). But I did stop drinking for over a year prior to this without feeling as though I have lost any connections, so I do wonder if its just the incident that has harbored all this????

Maybe you just feel like there isn't a connection anymore, because you're not drinking or maybe you actually do harbor resentments now that you're sober and can think more clearly. Who knows, nobody can answer that question.

If you're saying that this person has never behaved like this before and hasn't since, then I would just add it to one of those things that happened in my life. Peope make mistakes, nobody is perfect, and people have gone through worse things and have stayed together.

I also might be thinking differently if this just happened, but it was year ago, time to forget and move on IMO.

In AA we look at our actions. While I do not condone what he may or may not have done, inventory would help A LOT. The short answer is, why would you stay in the relationship if the event was so unforgiveable? Also, spiritual principles solve ALL of our problems. Integrity would be one that I would suggest here. The key would be to maintain your integrity in the face of extreme difficulty, that would require courage. Anyway, you can maintain your integrit without getting angry or pointing the finger. In the alternative, a GRAIN of understanding (spiritual principle) can grant pardon to a SEEMINGLY unforgiveable circumstance or situation. If you want FREEDOM, and to "let go." Forgive. JUST FORGIVE HIM! It's that simple to let go. Is this guy still drinking? You didn't say. Hope that helps!

Good luck to you hun,

Resentment is our number one offender! Here's a prayer when angry: GOD, SAVE ME FROM BEING ANGRY, THIS IS A SICK PERSON, HOW CAN I BE HELPFUL TO HIM!

We wouldn't be mad at a sick friend, now would we? Hope you can see that his behavior was sick. It's all about perspective.

ChangeIsGood,

Based on your situation what I can offer is that in the past, as I lost my good friends and developed a circle of individuals like-minded in the singular purpose of daily heavy drinking, I discovered a certain vicious character regarding these so called amicable relationships.

It appeared to me that when I was subdued in a cycle of heavy intoxication, those whom I would befriend or who would befriend me represented a dangerous energy that negatively influenced my drinking cascade.

Drinking, fights, all sorts of problems were the consequence of this nefarious character in these flawed inebriated relationships. I found a resolute peace in the absence of such company, after I had realized that the disease had progressed to an untenuous level.

My advice would therefore be to avoid this negative influence until both of you have achieve sobriety to a significant degree. It is difficult to predict the explosive situations that can arise from these interactions a priori. But given the past record of trangression, you are placing yourself at risk.

Thank you all so much for the responses. So much useful information and help. This is great. I feel better as I read it all. I am starting to realize that I really need to work on myself right now, either through AA or therapy or both. Therapy would be difficult because I have no insurance, but maybe I can try AA. And Spirit, to answer your question, yes he does still drink, but he is and always has been an on occasion social type drinker. That just happened to be one of those nights that we both really went overboard.

Hi Change, congrats on 1 year! Working on your spiritual/mental self is the most important part (IMO) of recovery, without that many people return to the DOC. Whether you stay with this man or not you need to forgive so that you can move forward, the forgiveness will set you free it is for you not necessarily for him.
I was sexually and emotionally abused as a child and carried around the anger/wounds/resentment for over 30 yrs, in recovery I learned to forgive my abuser and he became by best friend and biggest support in recovery and life. The anger etc that I harbored all those years never truly affected the person they were directed at; they harmed me, the forgiveness was the best gift I ever gave myself.

We can always refund your misery at the door (in other words, you have nothing to loose and everything to gain) ;)

Blessings to you!

Hi change! Congrats on your sober time!

One thing that pops out at me is you say a number of times that you never wanted to be someone who stayed with a person who got physical with you. This, to me, implies a lack of self love (I could be wrong)...for me the most important tool in my sobriety is learning to love myself again...if I love myself I will not self harm and drink. Maybe that is part of the resentment towards him...he has made You feel bad about yourself. It might be a good time to take a little break from that relationship in order to work on yourself. Counseling has been helpful to me...many places offer sliding scales so that they can be affordable for us who are uninsured:-)

Hugs!

Good post LaFemme; it's important to UNDERSTAND why we do what we do in all areas and aspects of our life. Good news is I finally gained hat understanding and now I can more forward! Spiritual Awkening today! Sudden and electricfying! AAmazing. Understanding is a spiritual principle, as you may or may not know. I finally understand what give time time means! Why they say keep coming back and everything else you hear in AA is said! Took me 2 years, hey, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly...THEY DID MATERIALIZE,

SO HANG IN THERE and in the meantime, TAKE IT EASY. Simple to take the first step and walk through the doors of AA. I also understand why they say LISTEN!

Wow, who knew? haha

Hope if that helped even one person, it made my share worthwhile.