not good
 

i've taken a second job doing work-at-home type of stuff. i have a friend who works for that company and he says i do the best work. my immediate report at that job says likewise.

i was supposed to turn something in yesterday in the morning, and it didn't happen. my primary job sent me out of town so it was excused. i absolutely had to do the work last night though.

i was leaving my primary job to go home and finish up my secondary job, when i jokingly asked a coworker if he wanted to get a couple of drinks. it was a joke because this guy is the wussiest drinker i've ever met, and it was early in the day, and i didn't think he'd go for it.

"well, it'll get me out of here early." WOW! i suddenly lost all motivation to do the work i had to do.

"i'll have 3 or 4 beers and go home and do the work," i told myself, knowing deep down that wasn't going to happen. and of course neither happened

so i called out of my primary job this morning to finish up what i was supposed to do. i got about 1/2 done and i sent an email with the work i completed so far. the response was positive - i work hard, and so they tolerated a little bit of lateness, and the other 1/2 of work i was supposed to do can be done whenever i felt like.

so there was no serious impact.

but this is a huge first - my drinking seriously affected my performance at work. specifically, non-performance. sure, for years i've shown up hung over now and again, and rarely i'd go to the bathroom and puke at 9:00 AM after an enthusiastic night of drinking, but this is the first time i've missed a deadline. and i didn't even miss it, i bricked it - i had nothing done when i was supposed to have something done.

this is not good.

last night, i was terribly depressed. it's not that i missed the deadline, it's a good friend of mine stuck up for me, vouched for me, assuming i'd do fantastic work (which so far i have), and i totally let him down. i was almost balling in my bed at what i had done to him. i possible damaged his reputation at work - today, i find out that i didn't do that, but still, it's like *now* i've become a degenerate drinker

and tonight - same thing. after i got a "pass" with my boss, i immediately clocked out of my main job and went to the bar. and here i am... pressing my luck. with everyone. and i still feel ******.

i really thought i was under control but this is a huge red flag, even to me. i need to do something. honestly, quitting drinking altogether and forever doesn't seem realistic to me. i'm young and all of my friends go to bars. i need to control myself when i'm drunk. but when i'm drunk i dont' want to be controlled. what's the solution here?

sorry if this post doesn't make sense, i've had a few... sorry...

by the way, in late march i posted that i wasn't going to drink until memorial day. i've set goals like that several times previously, and never had a problem achieving a "don't drink until ____" goal.

but i didn't even come close. i've probably drank 1/3 days since then.

my main problem isn't the frequency i drink (i can only drink the weekends if i want), but it's the intensity. i have no control over how much i drink. i guess i don't even have control over the frequency, now that i think about it, since i couldn't keep my goal. this is getting depressing...

The only way I could ever 'control' myself was to not drink at all, qs4thinking.

D

Welcome back....:yup:
You are aware that you are doing risky things
by continueing to drink.
And you keep drinking?

I did too when I was an active alcoholic.

I sure hope you find your way into sobriety.

you're not only drinking weekends though....yesterday was Wed.

it is a sneaky disease that creeps up on you. I'm glad that you realized you no longer have control, the alcohol does.

NOT everyone who is *young* drinks...there is a lot more to life than sitting in a bar.

I had a great job. I got to travel, I had an assistant, and I loved my job.

A long time ago, this thread could have been from me. I was eventually fired from this job of over 11 years.

I hope you don't go as far as I did. I've never been fired before, always did well at wherever I was and would have sworn that if it started affecting my job, I'd quit. Problem was by that time, I couldn't quit drinking. It had me and looking back, I was powerless - just along for the ride.

Good luck to you.

I'd hate to see what your 'bottom' might be if you're still drinking after realizing how alcohol is impacting your employment.

Like Dee said, I am only able to control my drinking by not drinking. The freedom is amazing..

I should have known years ago that once a drinker starts talking about "control", it only mean it's out of control. Once I took a first drink, my intention was always to get as many more as I possibly could without severe consequences. Over the years, however, the definition of "consequences" changed - I kept lowering the bar a little bit at a time. I know it will only continue or (more likely) get worse if go back. Thanks for your post and I hope you'll stick around and get the support you need. This is a great place and has helped me out tremendously.

And I agree with smacked: