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Old 05-05-2010, 10:20 PM
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not good

i've taken a second job doing work-at-home type of stuff. i have a friend who works for that company and he says i do the best work. my immediate report at that job says likewise.

i was supposed to turn something in yesterday in the morning, and it didn't happen. my primary job sent me out of town so it was excused. i absolutely had to do the work last night though.

i was leaving my primary job to go home and finish up my secondary job, when i jokingly asked a coworker if he wanted to get a couple of drinks. it was a joke because this guy is the wussiest drinker i've ever met, and it was early in the day, and i didn't think he'd go for it.

"well, it'll get me out of here early." WOW! i suddenly lost all motivation to do the work i had to do.

"i'll have 3 or 4 beers and go home and do the work," i told myself, knowing deep down that wasn't going to happen. and of course neither happened

so i called out of my primary job this morning to finish up what i was supposed to do. i got about 1/2 done and i sent an email with the work i completed so far. the response was positive - i work hard, and so they tolerated a little bit of lateness, and the other 1/2 of work i was supposed to do can be done whenever i felt like.

so there was no serious impact.

but this is a huge first - my drinking seriously affected my performance at work. specifically, non-performance. sure, for years i've shown up hung over now and again, and rarely i'd go to the bathroom and puke at 9:00 AM after an enthusiastic night of drinking, but this is the first time i've missed a deadline. and i didn't even miss it, i bricked it - i had nothing done when i was supposed to have something done.

this is not good.

last night, i was terribly depressed. it's not that i missed the deadline, it's a good friend of mine stuck up for me, vouched for me, assuming i'd do fantastic work (which so far i have), and i totally let him down. i was almost balling in my bed at what i had done to him. i possible damaged his reputation at work - today, i find out that i didn't do that, but still, it's like *now* i've become a degenerate drinker

and tonight - same thing. after i got a "pass" with my boss, i immediately clocked out of my main job and went to the bar. and here i am... pressing my luck. with everyone. and i still feel ******.

i really thought i was under control but this is a huge red flag, even to me. i need to do something. honestly, quitting drinking altogether and forever doesn't seem realistic to me. i'm young and all of my friends go to bars. i need to control myself when i'm drunk. but when i'm drunk i dont' want to be controlled. what's the solution here?

sorry if this post doesn't make sense, i've had a few... sorry...
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Old 05-05-2010, 10:25 PM
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by the way, in late march i posted that i wasn't going to drink until memorial day. i've set goals like that several times previously, and never had a problem achieving a "don't drink until ____" goal.

but i didn't even come close. i've probably drank 1/3 days since then.

my main problem isn't the frequency i drink (i can only drink the weekends if i want), but it's the intensity. i have no control over how much i drink. i guess i don't even have control over the frequency, now that i think about it, since i couldn't keep my goal. this is getting depressing...
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Old 05-05-2010, 10:49 PM
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The only way I could ever 'control' myself was to not drink at all, qs4thinking.

D
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Old 05-06-2010, 08:34 AM
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Welcome back....
You are aware that you are doing risky things
by continueing to drink.
And you keep drinking?

I did too when I was an active alcoholic.

I sure hope you find your way into sobriety.
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Old 05-06-2010, 08:40 AM
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you're not only drinking weekends though....yesterday was Wed.

it is a sneaky disease that creeps up on you. I'm glad that you realized you no longer have control, the alcohol does.

NOT everyone who is *young* drinks...there is a lot more to life than sitting in a bar.
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Old 05-06-2010, 08:56 AM
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i've done my almost
 
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I had a great job. I got to travel, I had an assistant, and I loved my job.

A long time ago, this thread could have been from me. I was eventually fired from this job of over 11 years.

I hope you don't go as far as I did. I've never been fired before, always did well at wherever I was and would have sworn that if it started affecting my job, I'd quit. Problem was by that time, I couldn't quit drinking. It had me and looking back, I was powerless - just along for the ride.

Good luck to you.
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Old 05-06-2010, 09:05 AM
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I'd hate to see what your 'bottom' might be if you're still drinking after realizing how alcohol is impacting your employment.

Like Dee said, I am only able to control my drinking by not drinking. The freedom is amazing..
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Old 05-06-2010, 11:37 AM
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I should have known years ago that once a drinker starts talking about "control", it only mean it's out of control. Once I took a first drink, my intention was always to get as many more as I possibly could without severe consequences. Over the years, however, the definition of "consequences" changed - I kept lowering the bar a little bit at a time. I know it will only continue or (more likely) get worse if go back. Thanks for your post and I hope you'll stick around and get the support you need. This is a great place and has helped me out tremendously.

And I agree with smacked:
The freedom is amazing..
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