Any thoughts or ideas on learning how to put "you" first?
 

I was just wondering... Since most of my drinking the past few yearshas been triggered by others actions and the stress those actions had on me, I'm trying to find a way to not let anyone effect my feelings so much , especially right now at this delicate time, when I'm trying hard to not pick up a drink...does anyone have any suggestions or methods on how to just focus on myself, and not let certain people's actions effect me so much? I'm not saying that it was anyone's fault why I drank, I know that was my own decision...just saying that I had a very hard time dealing with certain things that have happened in the past few years which definitely provoked my drinking...Thanks for reading.

I Googled "detachment" and found this article, which expresses it much better than I can....... Detachment - Detachment From Alcoholism and Alcohol Problems

Something my sponsor suggested..... whatever anyone else says, thinks, or does is none of my business, unless I'm invited in.

You are not responsible for your yearnings or your 'disease'.

But you are VERY responsible (100%) for your actions and your recovery.

You don't EVER drink because of what someone else does, you drink because YOU make the choice to drink.

You're probably not going to like what I have to say, but until we accept the fact that we are the only people in the universe, heaven or hell included, that are responsible for our drinking, we're going to have a very difficult time remaining sober. Unless someone was holding us down and pouring the booze down our throat. We alcoholics can always find an excuse to drink, if we choose to do so. We obviously need to avoid unnecessary stress in our lives but have to make a choice that alcohol is not an option we want to exercise to deal with that stress.

Right, but I had also said it's not anyones fault...I know no one forced me to do anything...I'm just asking if anyone had any methods in dealing with the triggers instead of going to the bottle.

I like to get things in perspective soooo

"How Important Is It?"

keeps me in balance....smoothes my life......:yup:

If something is vitally important....I rely on
God and the AA Steps ....again
for balance and serenity.

I have a fantastic life of purpose and joy
Hope you will too....:)

I appreciate your thoughts...That is a good question to ask myself...Gives me somewhere to start..I should start prioritizing what's really important. I do have a tendency to make less important things dominate my mind...to me they seem important, but in the grand scheme of things I realize they really shouldn't affect me as much as they do. I need to work on that.

Thanks....:)
I also use the Serenity Prayer for direction

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I can not change
change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference."

:laughing::.....It never wears out...so
please consider using it too.

That's a great prayer and so true...I remember that from going to a few Alanon meetings.

I wish you would talk more about what triggers you are talking about? Are you having codependency issues?

KJ

No matter what, no matter what!! And I am so worth it, I deserve better and if someone, something, someplace, etc., is enough to upset me that badly then IT/THEY are not worth it!!!!! :)

Men are usually my triggers...Whether it be someone I just started talking too, or someone I get involved with..The people I pick seem to cause chaos. The last two men in my life were definitely bad characters..Just lots of confusion and mind games went on, where I was always confused, trying to figure things out...The last relationship I was in (if you could call it that) ended very badly...He did something horrible to me at the last minute and I was devastated. I found it too hard to deal with the emotions and started drinking more...I'd say that's my main trigger...there are other, smaller stressful things that don't have to do with men..but that wouldn't drive me to binge drink.

Just pointing something out, the 'buts'. I'm sorry but.
They're always out there, you can avoid putting yourself into situations that trigger stress, but at some point, like Carol and the others have mentioned, is it worth drinking over?

Thank you Judy and John...your words are much appreciated...As much as I hate being alone, I don't think it's a good idea for me to get involved with anyone right now either, until I work on myself...I guess that's easier said then done.."This too shall pass" I used to say that alot, I believe it too...Two of the closest people in my life died within a few years of eachother...then my dog passed...I think I've buried those feelings for so long aswell..my father is still an active alcoholic which has also caused me lots of stress...I'm not living with him anymore, but I am not happy with where I'm living now, but it's still better than all those years of living with him...and if I want to go see my mom and spend time with her it's usually before 4 pm, because that's when he starts drinking, and I made it my business not to be around him when he starts up... That is a big trigger for me also.. and I just kept drinking instead of trying to quit and make my living situation right now better by moving into another place...When you fall into despair, nothing seems like it will change, an the drinking will only keep you in that state longer...I needed that temporary fix, even if it was for a few hours just for my brain to relax, but I know that's not the answer..I guess the drinking does hold me back from doing the things I really need to do to have a happy life in the long run.

Thank you for that :) I will think about that everyday.

Yes...I usually feel the need to have someone in my life or it feels so empty...which I can say loneliness is another trigger for me...Just sitting thinking...about past things about why I feel alone now...sometimes it gets unbearable and that's when I would go start with a few shots, which would turn into much more at the end of the night..

Getting to know who I am is imperative at this point...I didn't realize how important it is, but now that I am realizing how much that matters, I will work on changing my outlook...

And, lastly, that is true...alot of times when I look back at certain things, it would have been wiser to not let my emotions run wild...I really appreciate that, it is great food for thought!

They actually have a book called "What You Think of Me is None of My Business." Haven't read it myself so I can't recommend it but the title got stuck in my head. I do use this attitude from time to time but never with important people in my life like my close friends.

OB

I actually found a lot more calm in my sobriety once I STOPPED putting me, and my need for instant gratification first. MY choice to deal with life's fumbles led ME to drink.. me me me. I had to find worth outside myself before I could find it within. I wasn't enough to get sober for at first...I had to see the bigger picture, but I'm sure as hell enough to stay sober for now.

just my own lil humble opinion :)

Flutter, I was just about to post that identical thing! Exactly.

I think you have to do something so you don't want to drink any more. If I had to go through life wanting to drink because of a stressful situation, an unhappy relationship, or whatever other trigger was floating around, I'd last till about noon. If nothing was handy I'd dig in my past till I came up with something. I most certainly am an alcoholic, but I don't drink, and haven't for quite a few years. Why? (Hint - it doesn't involve strength of character). It's cause I don't want to.

Best I can tell, I lost the desire through being wore out and scared enough after a few decades of extremely heavy drinking and chaotic, desperately unhappy living, to get back into AA and do the steps, and keep doing them. Somewhere in that first year or 2, i discovered I didn't want to drink any more. I keep doing what I need to and it hasn't come back.

What Step are you are on? It sounds like a trite answer, but it's the only one I ever found. And maybe you have no interest in AA. If that's the case, then I have no options to offer you. I don't mean to make it sound like early recovery is easy. The days are more characterized by hanging on for dear life to not pick up a drink, than this trigger free bliss some of us talk about.

Hanging on for dear life to not drink requires some hope that you will make it through OK. I don't see how people manage to get through the first few weeks without that hope. Many do, but I just don't get it. A friend of mine says that the period between quitting drinking and starting the steps is the absolute worst time for an alcoholic. That's why he urges getting into the steps right away. I started working the steps with a sponsor the first day I didn't drink. Showed up to meet that sponsor a couple of times, after I had been drinking most of the day. When he gave me that first direction, hell, when he answered the phone, I felt some hope. That, and immediate action, kept me from picking up.

So, that hope was essential for me. Where does that hope come from? Well, it comes from seeing the truth. The truth that I was absolutely hopeless, and life sucked, and it was never going to get any better, and I was just going to go on like this for a very long time with everything getting worse. That hope came with full knowledge of my condition. I simply couldn't go on another day as I had been living.

I think it’s a good start to recognize your main triggers and do what you can to avoid them.

When I first quit drinking I was a bit of a recluse. I spent many evenings at home on SR and keeping myself busy (my mind occupied). I also didn’t return calls from drinking buddies. Avoiding people, places, and things that would plant that seed – “hey, maybe this time will be different.”

The Serenity Prayer and the mantra “don’t take that first drink” helped as well.

At the time, I don’t think that I had any other options. I did not have the mental strength or the tools to deal with “in your face” triggers.

Obviously, I couldn’t go on like this indefinitely. Sooner or later, the alcoholic obsession would be triggered.

I went through the 12 steps and developed a support network at a somewhat frantic face. Fear-based; I felt vulnerable. Gradually, my strength & confidence increased. Today, I feel good about my continued sobriety providing I keep up with my recovery program.

For me, there are also some common-sense practices I still maintain. I don’t go to bars and I don’t hang out with people who are getting hammered. I can do pretty much anything else and my sobriety is not threatened.

Best wishes.

Yeah, stay out of relationships for a bit. For me, at a year clean, I'm nowhere near ready to have one. So I'm abstaining. Very freeing. Gives me time to focus on my steps/recovery.

The longer I go, the less I miss having a b/f. For me, who's spent the past 44 years being totally codependent, focusing on others, I need to bring the focus back to me and what my defects are. The ones that are causing me crippling pain. I can't do that when I'm focusing on the type of f'ed up men that I am attracting in early recovery.

Because as soon as I get a b/f, I begin trying to fix and help him. I fill the God-shaped hole in myself with men. So I'm not doing that until I finish my steps and learn how to live in close touch with my higher power. I'm sure the new me won't be perfect, but I know I'll at least be happy. Maybe then, maybe I'll find a wonderful man, who doesn't need fixing. If I don't find one, I'll still be ok. In fact, I'm getting better all the time (isn't that a song, or something?).

Love,
KJ

Work the 12 steps-

BB page 25
BB page 62

The most selfish thing I can do today is not practice these steps. They allow me to be someone who is capable of having an adult relationship. People do not have the power to make us drink. In fact, under most situations they only have power that we freely give to them.

Right on, Steve! I just love that part of the book, and I revisit it frequently. Hell, I live in those sections of the book.

It's so funny how those words all make sense only in hindsight. After a transformation that allowed me to see clearly. First time through, I not only didn't get it, I was incapable of getting it. Today it just fills me up.

Like flutter said above, drinking in response to the actions/words of others is not putting them first. It's putting me first. Instead of dealing with these situations like a responsible adult (How can I be helpful? If I can't be helpful, how can I detach?), I'll just drink and make their stuff all about me. I was the queen of, "Look what YOU made ME do."

Meetings, sponsor, steps = freedom.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

That's what's been going on with me for the past few years, and sometimes I didn't even make it till noon...How much I drank depended on exactly what was going on at the time and how bad I felt...and if it was the feeling of being lonely, I would start thinking about things in the past that had gone wrong..( like you said looking for a reason) and just drink anyway...I haven't had any physical symptoms of withdrawal, that's probably also because I didn't drink that much last week...usually if I drink ALOT and stop abruptly I might have a slight physical withdrawal... but I am having LOTS of irritation, depression, and hopelessness.

I haven't started any steps yet...I actually looked to see if there were any meetings for women in my area, and the site hasn't been updated since 10/08..I think there is a number to call for more info.

Actually that is very true...I was just wondering how people deal with certain triggers, but as of right now, I just want a freakin drink! The cravings are horrible!