LIE and Cheating
 

HI Everyone,

I know that I should probably be posting on the section for friends and family, which I have. However, I really need help from someone who has this addiction. I really need to know and understand because this has ruined my life for 3 yrs. Do all alcoholic's cheat? Mine said that he only cheated because of the alcoholism issue. But he had on going relationships with other women while with me and not just a one night stand and blamed it all on that he is sick……..

Tks for listening and I hope you can help... :(

Babyo, I'm sorry for your sadness. Let me say first I'm not a 12-stepper, and I'm newly recovering. But here's my feeling on this: No matter his reasons for acting the way he did (the alcohol "made" him do it, he's sick, whatever), that's his behavior. You can't control his behavior. You can only control your response to it, and value yourself enough to protect yourself from this person who is hurting you. It sounds like he's making excuses and is not likely to change... 3 years, you said?

I'm an alcoholic. I have never cheated.

No, not all alcoholics cheat. But when people are drunk they do things they would not do sober. For example:

It most cases I am a very trustworthy person. But when it came to alcohol I was a manipulative liar.

No, not all alcoholics cheat. In my early 20's, when I had boyfriends, I cheated and I was usually drunk or high. But I have been married for 9 years and together for almost 11(all this was during thew worst of my alcoholism) and I have never cheated. Being a drunk does not give you a free pass.

I've never cheated. Been married 14 years now. First went to rehab for alcoholism in 2001. In treatment 3 times. Sober since July 7, 2007.

Disease or not, we should be accepting responsibility for our actions.

I'm an alcoholic. I cheated like crazy. I have never been faithful to anyone I've ever been with. Yes, I'm divorced and that's why. Yes, I'm single and that's why.

To your question: While dealing with an alcohol soaked mind, I thought other women were actually interested in me. I slipped many times. They just liked the fun Tex and not the crying, drunk, mad as hell Tex. Something in your head tells you it's okay to cheat.

I can't blame infidelity on alcohol, but it was weakness that I could not control at the time. See, alcoholics are not in their right mind. That doesn't excuse anything they do, but it's why. Sobriety has given me clarity. The next time I'm lucky enough to have a woman love me, there will be no cheating. That is a while off though, because I'm not ready.

I am so hurt, no one could ever know my pain, how I cry almost everynight. I trusted him so much, he swore over and over how it was all because he was sick and that I need to forgive him and move past it. I ended it with him finally but he still contacts me, why? He called me last weekend dunk telling me that he loves me still, and how he sick of all my complaining on how he cheated. He said he is a good person and won't be around someone who thinks that he is so bad. But all his actions point in the direction of a decietful person. I am soooooo stupid to believe all his lies, now I have all these memories of women that he cheated on me with. I even found one in his bed... :(

It's the most painful thing in the world, but you have to cut off a drunk.

He will come back when he is sober, or he will waste away. You don't need to be a witness to either.

Thank you for all your help and advice....

I guess all these years I believed he would get sober and well. He went to rehab and AA meeting and still he drinks. He has been arrested so many times, just got his 5th DUI 2 months ago and he still drinks. I don't get it. I did so much for him, I endured so much pain which I now see that I have to stop being so co-dependent. You are right I need to cut him off for good. I do try so hard but when he calls I always hope that this time he is sober. I need to let this all go, I pray all the time but I can't find anything that helps me to let go. I read so much etc...... It has been less and less the pain but it still remains...

There is only one thing that "All" Alcoholics have in common. An inability to controll their Alcohol intake once started. Lack of values, morals, scruples and ethics do not play into the equation.

Why have any contact with a toxic person?

I'd change my phone ..e mail etc
and start looking for the special man
who will enhance and honor you.

Not all loves are forever.
:hug:

I would suggest that you find some Alanon meetings in your area and start attending. Please attend at least 6 different meetings, if possible, before making up your mind about Alanon. There you will find people that have been where you are now and can help and guide you through this current chaos. And yes alcoholics cause lots of drama and chaos!

Alanon will give you local new friends and face to face support. Folks you can call any time and get help.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

One of the hardest things about being sober is having nothing to blame things on.

I could do anything when I was drunk, wake up the next morning, blame it on being drunk.

Oh poor me, I was drunk, forgive me. Go do it again.

Now... I have to be accountable for everything I do.

Man, I cheated. Once while in a black out and the other time just bombed out of my mind. No sex but still a cheat is a cheat. I also lie, manipulate and steal (pills) when I'm drunk.

I'm very ashamed of these things and it's another good reason to stay sober. I'm sorry for your pain and yeah, he doesn't get a free pass on it but I know how it feels to think, I did what? Why would I do that? That's not who I am. Well, it can be.

Not all drunks cheat any more than all cheats drink. They are NOT mutually exclusive. As others have said, he is using his drinking to try to justify his actions.

I am a recovering alcoholic. I did not and do not cheat. Period. It is a non-negotiable in my relationships and one that I communicate upfront. I have ended relationships over this. I even told my current husband that it is non-negotiable. Fortunately, he has been the victim of a cheater too and it is non-negotiable for him too.

I'm sorry for your pain. My best advise is to run don't walk as far away as you can from this person if you have no ties such as marriage or children. If you do have ties, get yourself to Al-Anon, learn about boundaries and how to protect yourself and your sanity and how to lead a happy and productive life in spite of another's drinking.

Life is too short to live it in misery!

Hugs,
Kellye

No I am not married to this man and we do not have kids. Just dated for 3 yrs, 3 yrs of basically the biggest nightmare of my life.

Bostonluv: you made the comment about the lies, cheating etc all when you were drunk and these things happened. My ex blamed the bottle for all his actions. But he also did these things sober.....(cheat, lie) so I guess what I am trying to figure out is when they do not drink, like he would not drink everday, is his mind clear and if so then he must know that he is cheating. See for so long I wanted to believe that his alcoholism made him cheat, so by him getting sober all the cheating would stop and we could be happy. Even when I caught him, (sober for a few days) he would sware not to do it again but he did...... But that might not be the case, some people if drunk or sober just cheat. I guess I was just someone who believed his lies and he took advantage of that.

Get away from a cheater. I cheated so many times on my wife. Girlfriends and and all don't count. They count, but I can't count that high. I'm the worst ex-husband in history. There is no apology that will erase a history of cheating, just start over now.

Alcohol will drive you to some insane ****.

I had an ex bf who drank to excess often. He was also physically and emotionally abusive... and he always blamed his abuse on being drunk. Bull!! Alcohol is just a handy excuse for a cheating personality. Not all cheaters will always cheat - it's very possible to change. But blaming it on alcohol is pure bull! I too would advise that you run from this guy before any kids come along. You don't deserve such treatment, not to mention the fact of the diseases he could be bringing home. Do'nt give him any more chances. He's blown them all before and isn't likely to become sweet and loving and honest any time soon. Don't subject yourself to such treatment. Run fast and run now. Cut the ties. You deserve better than this.

Been there, done with that!

Babyo, i have not met yet one alcoholic that hasn't cheated in one form or another...

in relationships, and or in finances...

it doesn't have to be sexual, just the blameing alone is cheating, cheating another of their happiness!

in good recovery, that doesn't happen...

and dont get me go'n on the lies!

put on the PF Flyers, and you will find someone that will be right for you, and you him...

perhaps not tomorrow, or even this year...

try to go enjoy your life without the baggage...

good wishes

Thank you for that, Rusty. I read this thread and felt all, *patting self on back*, "I'm better than that!" But yes. I have lied, and been unreliable, and stolen (alcohol from roommates)... Dishonesty with myself and others, all of those things.

So yeah... maybe all alcoholics do cheat...

Thank you all for your advice and I know the best thing to do is leave this all behind me. My mind knows that, I have left him but I just wish my heart could understand. He has sooooooooooooo much potential, I wish he could see that also.....but you can not base a future on that...........

Let's get facts here....
He has sex with other women
He lies to you
He is drinking
For 3 years he made you miserable
so you say.

What sort of potential are you expecting?
And why?

Geez! I'd rather be alone
than have such a jerk in my life.
I refuse to be any losers partner.

Ok, it depends on what the OP is talking about. I took it to mean "cheating" as in infidelity and I based my answer on that and stand by it. I'm certainly not patting myself on the back or claiming to be perfect or saying I've never lied, been unreliable, etc. I've done those things and more and now have to set about making the amends for them.

But if the OP was referring to infidelity then I stand by my original statements that it is and has always been a non-negotiable for me, drunk or sober. And if infidelity is what was originally meant then I stand by what I said, there are people that cheat (as in being unfaithful) that do not drink just as there are people that cheat that do drink.

Kellye

Carol, you're absolutely right.

However, cheating is not easy, even when you're in the middle of it. I know how silly I sound, but as a serial cheater, I always think and want the relationship person. I cheated while crying over my "girlfriend." or "wife"

I don't know how to describe it, but having sex with another woman is not about the other woman. She is the current one, but once you do it, you're saying goodbye to any relationship you might have. Lord knows I've said goodbye to plenty of mine.

This is my biggest issue, why can't I stop cheating? I have never been faithful to anyone. Even a wife! Lately, I've felt so bad.

Texas...:hug:
When I did Steps 4 & 5 whatever I did in my drinking life
was reolved and I could then move into my new life.

:)....I strongly suggest you try that
or re do them if you have not found peace.

Forward we go..side by side
:yup:

Hi Kellye, just to be clear... "patting myself on the back" was absolutely meant only to reflect on me. I didn't mean to sound snarky at anyone else.

Yep, I need to go back. I'm serious about sobriety and sometimes I think I'm moving too fast. Step 10 - 12 is scaring me, as I'm not there, I need to go back.

I'm so not ready to serve others. Thank you.

EDIT: I'm on step 9. I can't seem to make my amends to my ex-wife and her family. I think it would cause too much pain. If I admitted my faults and apologized, I'm afraid she might think we're getting back together. That will never happen, but I have to admit that I left my ex-wife without any real reason. In the original spirit of the thread, yes I cheated on her. I was a drunk, the end. I do not want my ex back. My current hates me too, and I have to start over. What are you gonna do?

Texas, a couple of thoughts. Your sponsor should be the best one to advise you on when and how and IF to make amends to these women since we trust that he has heard the whole story during a thorough fifth step and has information that we do not and SHOULD NOT have on these boards.

Thought #2 - most people (I will not say ALL) will spend the rest of their life making amends so they do not hold off on steps 10 - 12 indefinitely waiting until all amends are made. Just food to throw out. Once again your sponsor knows you and where you are in your individual program and is the very person to advise in these matters.

My .02,
Kellye

My sponsor is a good guy, I love him and he does his best, I'm just a mess. I just can't seem to forgive myself. Maybe I'm just not ready. I'm ready to quit drinking and I have for 7 months. Maybe, the chickens are just coming home to roost. My life has sucked since I quit drinking. I don't want to start over, I want to fix the past. When I realize I can't...I lose it. I just need to deal.

I hope you can get through your amends.

I heard this from a big book study.

Start with the Easy ones

Then try the "Maybe I should" ones

Then try the "I don't want to" ones

Then try the "I will Never" ones