Why Do I do it?
 

I don't know what's wrong with me.....I drank tonight. I've noticed this trend...when I fail...I think about all the calories I'm inhaling because I like have the munchies and then I go vomit it back up. My b/f bought me Taco Bell tonight and I was like...I can't eat this...but I did, and then I just went and forced myself to vomit most of it back up. I don' tknow....I just can't stop myself. Even now I want to keep doing it, it's like a release for me. I never used to do this...I just told Dave and he told me to come write on here. Even now, I'm totally fighting to urge to go make myself puke, it's like....I don't quite know. I don't know what it does for me...it's just....nice, ya know? I feel like I'm vomiting up the alcohol I just drank and somehow it's not so bad? I don't now....I don't know what's wrong with me. I just keep getting worse and worse...I need to just go to bed tonight and start fresh tomarrow. Just give up tonight, stop thinking about the toilet as if it's something to be desired....?? I don't understand this new thought train. My mind is just going crazy when I drink now...I don't want it to happen so bad I'm willing to do almost anything to purge my body of it once I fail. I just don't want to...I don't want to fail...when I do I'm like...if I just vomit it back up, it's like I didn't drink. And when I eat when I"m drinking, it's even worse because I'm like...all those calories, you need to get rid of those....I just can't help it. God, I'm so messed up. I need help. I need serious help. Not the help I can help myself...I need something outside to help me. I'm crying for help but....I just can't do anything. I can't afford rehab...and ...I don't know. I"m going to make myself get up and hit the 10am meeting tomarrow and just confess all. That's my goal....confess all at every meeting and get help. Don't just sit there, I don't care how uncomfortable I am...just get help. I can't do this....I can't continue like this. i hit a hard patch.....I got my paycheck but....I"m just....I'm so stressed over the whole situation. She's still dragging me to court to "identify" the guy who rented the movies..I can't deal with it. I don't need this right now. I don't know what to do. I need help. Please help me.

Stacey,

You are feeling all of these feelings, and going through all of these experiences because you are an addict. I am an addict also, and I'm not crazy about being this, but if you can get a grip on this while you're young you'll save yourself a lot of grief. I have been struggling with this for years. I have made so many bad decisions in my life, I just don't know who I should have been.
I use to think that there was no way I could afford or be able to go into some kind of rehab center either. I was a single parent, had to keep on keeping on. Well, I've gone through two rehab centers in the last 14 months, and I'm still struggling, but it's getting better. I hope you find some peace and future in your life. We addicts make it so hard on ourselves.
P.S. You will fall apart eventually, nobody can carry this weight.
Finding a way into a recovery program now is the best gift you can give yourself. We need a jolt of recovery programing.

I'm going to disagree a bit with marilyn, Stacey. Both habitual drinking and regularly inducing vomiting are compulsive behaviors. You can call your drinking an addiction if you like, especially if that will help you quit, but your eating disorder is an unhealthy behavior and I don't see why your drinking shouldn't simply be considered unhealthy behavior as well. I'd be careful about labeling yourself, or you may persuade yourself that your behavior is unavoidable.

You can change behavior, but I suspect that you would benefit from some help with that. I say that because of the other things I'm reading in your posts: very poor self-esteem, lots of blaming yourself for your behavior, and the other emotional distress you're writing about. Dealing with those issues with a trained professional, in my opinion, would be much more productive than rehab. You go into rehab, you quit, you come out, you still have the same issues, you probably start drinking again.

You've talked about situations that lead to drinking. What do you think the alcohol is going to do for you in those situations? Do you believe that it will help you cope with distress? One of your earlier posts mentioned drinking because "everyone" around you was drinking. Do you believe you won't be fun to be around if you're not drinking when they are? Do you feel that you'll be socially isolated if you aren't behaving as they are, or that they'll look down on you somehow? Can you dispute these beliefs?

You don't have to fall apart eventually. You can recognize your own worth, make a decision for abstinence, and plan for what you're going to do when the urge to drink strikes you. Separate the distressing issues from your decision for sobriety, and make a rule that "no alcohol will be in my body." In my case, I added "or in my house." Period. End of discussion.

If you want support for that decision, there are lots of group recovery meetings you can go to. It sounds as though your BF will support you in your decision, and might help you clear the house of alcohol. But even if he has mixed feelings about it, you can make a resolution on your own.

Early in the process of quitting, I found it best if there was no alcohol around me. Avoiding friends who drink, or avoiding the settings in which drinking is likely, increases your likelihood of success in the first few weeks. Planning for other things to do during the "drinking hour," and actively preparing for drinking urges, will help you avoid lapses.

But you don't have to be a hermit. Once your friends get used to the idea that you don't drink they'll honor it. There may be some kidding at first, or they might be defensive (because they may view your decision as an implied criticism of their drinking habits...). But if you just act as though it's like vegetarianism--no, I just don't do that; no, it's ok, I'll just have a soda--your new habits will become familiar. And those who know that drinking has been a problem will support and admire you for the change you've made.

I'm not a professional, so I don't know what motivates an eating disorder. Self-esteem issues, or possibly an unrealistic view of your own body? Anxiety and depression? Those might be things to talk about, and they certainly could relate to your desire to drink when you are distressed.

You made a decision to quit a dead-end job because you saw that the drawbacks to that job outweighed the benefits, even at the cost of short-term financial stress. Maybe you can think of sobriety the same way. Quit a dead-end habit now, because I think you can see that the drawbacks of drinking certainly outweigh any benefits--even at the cost of some short-term discomfort.

Best wishes, Stacey, and thanks for posting!
Don S

(ps--no offense intended to marilyn. We are all speaking from our own experiences here, and I certainly honor yours. Just wanted to give Stacey another perspective; time will tell which works best for her.)

No offense taken Don, but if you could just take that selfrighteous
stick out of your butt for a moment you'd realize we're not talking about simple common sense here. We're talking about addictions that manifest themselves in many different ways. If it was so easy to rationalize these character flaws, then there wouldn't be so many upset people. A good rehab center will have well trained people who are well able to help addicts to help themselves. These are groups of peers from many different backgrounds that help the addict face their addictions, and accept these defects, learning to forgive themselves, and understand that this is not a black and white situation where you can simply decide and succeed to change.

True...
 

Yes, I agree with you Don. I have the typical...."I'm fat" hehe...I know it's girly but when I drink it gets multiplied ya know? I certainly wouldn't call it an eating disorder though. I've only done it a couple of times. I'm not sure if I can keep the same friends and not drink. My friend Jennie doesn't seem to care about my sobriety at all. I mean, she never offers to drink but yet, she certainly doesn't try to not drink around me either. My b/f has already made the house off limits to drinking months ago, which is a blessing. Like I tell him Sometimes it feels like the city is a giant game of freeze tag and home is the only safe. :) I am feeling better but Jennie gave me a caffine pill tonight which I stupidly took and then I came home and drank coffee so, somehow it's just really waking me up now. I am serious about getting sober I just tend to start out doing really well and then kinda downgrade over days ya know? Or if I have to miss a couple of meetings, my thoughts are quickly on drinking. I set my alarm clock (Yucky, which is going to go off in 5 hours!) to get me up for the morning meeting. I'm afraid that if I wait all day my thoughts will slide backwards before 8pm. I can't allow that to happen. I have a full day of applications ahead of me. I cannot continue this pattern though. Tonight I just broke down and cried on my b/f's shoulder and told him I was sorry and that I didn't mean to do it, I didn't even want to drink really, I just did. He said he understood but I know he's really sick of it and just wish I would get a grip on it. I want to do it, for me and for us. I have the big book but I haven't read it in days, I need to get into the habit of picking it up everynight. My big problem is boredism. Jennie calls and leaves me a message and I'm sitting here staring at the ceiling because I'm soo bored and I end up calling her. I need to just put my foot down and avoid her. She is trouble, and I know it. Tonight we stopped over Aaron's and he was at the meeting and he stayed sober all night. I was dismayed to see him staying sober and me being drunk. I was thinking maybe I"d go to the library and get a book on self confidence or something ya know? I know I'm suffering from low self esteem right now. I mean, everyone I know has a better job than me and I'm almost done with my bachelors. It's incredibly frusterating and a blow. 2 of the job's I've applied for in the past now belong to my friends g/f who has no college experience and is 3 years younger than me, I don't understand where I'm going wrong. All I want is a halfway decent job with some responsibility. I think it would help with my sobriety to have something meaningful in my life. Thank God for this board, I don't know what I would do if I didn't have it. You guys save my life, you really do. Well, I'm really glad to get the alcohol out of my system, I think that's why I vomit when I'm drunk. I just want to be sober as quickly as possible. I drink when my friends drink because...well, it's just kind of a habit. When they drink, I drink. Soda isn't the same. I can't be around other people getting drunk and not be getting drunk myself, it just doesn't work. I can't do it. Which, I imagine isn't uncommon. I think a big part of why I keep failing is self esteem. I feel like I fail at everything ya know? I feel like it's almost destined for me to fail because I always fail. I need to get my butt some self esteem and tell myself that I'm worth it. Even if I'm unemployed and my parents could give a rats butt less about my sobriety and my friends could care less if I quit, I need to care. Even if I'm the only one. I made a vow that when I go to the meeting, I'm gonna try to just get it all out. Just admit to everyone that I drank last night and admit that I need help. I think I can do it. Anyways, I'm gonna head back to bed if I can....I'm really awake though, even though it's 5am. I feel like staying up and reading the big book till I go to the meeting. I feel like even in sleep my thinking is going to be back on drinking, I'm really scared of myself. anyways, I've certainly rambled enough. 2 meetings today is what I'm going to hit, maybe even 3, who know's. Whatever I need to do to get sober is what I'm going to do. I pray to God that I can do it this time.
Thanks,

Ok fine. I give up. This is beyond my realm.

Lol...
 

Nono! Don't give up! :) I'm not saying I don't agree with you too! I'm listening to everything everyone has to say on here! I know that I have a baffeling, cunning disease. There isn't a doubt in my mind. I just was sitting here reading the big book, having a little problems though reading the stories because reading about the drinking times made me a little sick to my stomach. But anyways, I was just thinking everytime I quit and I"m just depressed because let's face it...when you've ditched every friend you've got and you're sitting at home bored out of your mind, drinking to eleviate the boredism seems pretty good. I never once thought, I"m gonna stick this out and see if it gets better. I just read a story about a guy admitting that it really sucks at first to be sober, which is my problem because, let's face it....it does. Losing your friends, losing your party lifestyle, it's hard. As a 24 year old college student, nothing is harder than going "Sorry, I don't drink." You get looks like you're an alien or something. And ya know, just telling my friends "Oh, I've changed, I don't drink anymore" They just don't belive me anymore. Hell, not even my b/f I think believes me anymore, I've tried to quit so many times and failed, I think he just waits till the next time I fail and isn't even phased by it anymore. Well, the birds are chirping now...it's 5:40am. I wish time would hurry up and go...I want to go to the meeting. I can't sleep...I"m wide awake and feeling very odd, I must admit. My heart is kinda racing and my hands are really shaky...I'm not quite sure what's going on....but I'm sure it's my body going...more liquor, more liquor! I tried to go back to bed...it didn't work, I just tossed and turned for 20 minutes. So...sigh, here I am, I have a feeling I"ll be here for the rest of the night too. I've only slept for 4 hours though, i'm going to regret this later. I feel kinda sick too....sigh. The price of drinking. God do I want to quit, more than anything in the world. I want to quit and just have things start going good. That's a big contributor to why I fail...it's just things don't get better, they just get worse. Stupid me and my pee brain can't think past that and go...things will be better eventually, I just need to stick in there. No, I just sit here and go...I'm bored now, I want entertainment now. Maybe there is an earlier meeting in a different city or something. Ugh....why do my hands have to be so shaky? I haven't been this shaky since over christmas and my 17 day drinking streak. New Years eve...that was it...I couldn't even eat my hands were shaking so bad. It was also the night of my first meeting. What was I thinking? I was having the party that night....we went to the meeting from 8-9 and then stopped for beer on the way home. I got drunk that night, despite my plan to stay relitively sober to "take care of the drunks". I puked all over myself and the bed that night, I had about 2 hours of blackout where my mom visited and I have no memory of it. I woke up early the next morning after taking a shower at 7am to wash of the puke and just cried myself back to sleep. Yes, I remember that day quite clearly, it was the first time I admitted to myself that I had a problem. After my very first meeting. I knew I identified with the people way too much to not. Sometimes I still waver on if I'm an alcoholic or just a heavy drinker but, I know I'm addicted. I don't drink alone, I don't drink everyday and I've never had the "morning drink" but, when I do drink, with people....I get wasted. I drink till I black out and vomit on myself, then I proceed to spend the night like that and wake up regretting the night before. Somehow in my mind, somewhere along the way I had programmed myself to think that the worse off I was the next day or that night, the better time I must've had. I'd think...wow, I don't remember any of that! (as someone tells me of another stupid thing I did drunk) and people respond to that, they act like they respect me because I can drink till blackout stage almost everytime I drink. I haven't blacked out now for months and I haven't vomited on myself since Feburary. I suppose you could call that improvement, but I still drink too much. I still drink more than I plan on. The only way I avoid vomiting on myself is because I haven't bought myself enough alcohol in a given sitting to do it, or I'm sure I would've. Well, I take that back, I did kinda blackout a couple of weeks ago and I did collapse on the kitchen floor and vomit, I suppose had I not been lying on my stomach, it would've been on me. I'm rambling, I know...I'm sorry. :) It feels really good to just get some of this stuff off my chest. I don't talk at the meetings so...I have to get it out somehow. I guess I"m just gonna have to suck it up and tell Jennie, "I"m sorry, I can't hang out with you because you always just want to drink." She'll try to say I don't have to drink but...just her drinking around me drives me nuts. Sun is starting to come out...and I'm starting to yawn, I'm hungrey but my stomach is upset too and I just yawned. Maybe this shakiness is passing. What is that caused from? I mean, it can't possibly be withdrawels...I haven't drank...well, in 4 days. That used to be my streak. 4-5 days. I'd go to school all week and drink Thursday night and then usually Saturday and then go again till Thursday. I couldn't for the life of me break that. anyways, I'm going to post this and keep writing. I'm sorry, I just....this feels really good and I just want to keep pouring it out rather than just sitting here going crazy alone.....hold on....there's more coming! :)

G'Morning!
 

Disease
Feels like you made a mistake...
You made somebodies heart break...
Now I have to let you go...
I have to let you go....
You left a stain, on every one of my good days...
But I am stronger than you know...
I have to let you go...
No one's ever turned you over, no one's tried...
to ever let you down...beautiful girl..
bless your heart...

I've got a disease
deep inside, that makes me
feel uneasy baby
I can't live without you so tell me,
what am I supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from me,
don't pay no attention to me...
I've got a disease...

Feel's like you're making a mess..
You're hell on wheels in a black dress..
You drove me to the fire..
and left me there to burn...
Every little thing you do is tragic..
all my life, oh was magic
beautiful girl...I can't breath...

Chorus

and well I think that I'm sick...
well leave me be while my world is coming down on me...
keep telling myself that it won't take long till,
I'm free of my disease, set me free of my disease...
free of my disease.....oohhh....
Chorus
you taste like honey, honey...
tell me can I be your honey...
keep telling myself that won't be long till,
I'm free of my disease...
free of my disease....
set me free of my disease....

There, that's my wake up song. No matter how many times I hear it, I can't help relating it to alcohol. Ok, I think I'm going to get a bowl of cereal....6am, that's late enough right? I haven't been up this early in like 2 years. I've stayed up this late a couple of times drinking though....ok...need cereal. Mmmm....how can anyone have a drinking problem yet still eat scooby doo cereal? hehe...yummy. You know, there are probrably a few people on this board who are really sick of me. Sick of listening to me, sick of me failing...but ya know what? I am one stubborn bastard and if I want to do something, I do it. I want to quit drinking so, no matter how long it takes to get it through my thick skull that I cannot drink under any circumstances, I will keep trying. I need this, I really do....so please bare with me. The day I reach 30 days...I'm going to throw a party, well...a sober one with kool-aid or something but, still...I will be soo proud of myself. I told one person at school in my research group that I had a drinking problem and he mocked me for it in front of people, isn't that rude? I tend to keep it to myself now. Because one day after research everyone was going to go to the bar and he was like...oh, that's right, Stacey can't go because she'll end up blacked out in her own vomit! (in a teasing voice). I know he was just joking but still, ya know? People don't belive me. No one but my b/f understands that I really honestly do have a problem. A lot of people I know just treat it like a diet I'm doing or something, like sobriety is a passing phase. Like..okok Stacey, you've made your point, now come drink with us! Oh, this cereal is stopping the shakes good....that's good, I hate the shakes. One thing I know I need to work on when I'm trying to be sober is disconnecting myself from the world. It's like when I'm trying to be sober I just kinda sit and think alot....I mean, alot. My b/f tries to get me to go do stuff and I'm just like..no, I need to keep focused or I'm going to drink. I guess that doesn't really mean I have to sit at home and stare at the wall but, I'm just so scared of losing focus that I'm scared to do anything but. My big dilema right now is finding a sponceror. I just can't find one! I mean, it seems unnatural to just walk up to a stranger and start talking to them...I don't quite know how to introduce myself without seeming odd. I almost wish I had the money to go to rehab because at least even if it's in a protected environment or whatever, I'd be sober ya know? I can't even do that out here. I think that even thought it's not helping any of my outside problems...if I could go sober, at whatever cost it would be worth it to see what it's like without failing. I gave up and put in my contacts, I guess I'll give up on any ideas of going back to bed...the meeting is in 3 1/2 hours and counting...sigh. I guartentee my b/f won't be up at least until I get back from the meeting too. Okok....I guess I'm gonna end this and go back to reading the big book. I'll be here checking to see if anyone has any tips now that I've poured out my soul into this thing..:)
Thanks for reading....this really helped.

Hi Stacey, i can relate with your situation, i have relapsed several times over the last few months and just don't seem to understand.My heart is sad and wants to get sober but my head keeps telling me don't do it, its to hard.I've been around the boards long enough to know that our mind isn't a good thing to listen to right now so i try not to.Last week i put together 5 days sober(the longest 5 days of my life)it was hard on the 6th day i listened to the voice in my head and drank but WHAT I AND YOU should be doing is calling a number from a meeting when we want to drink.And as for meetings you are right getting in there and picking up a chip trying to share is what we should be doing,especially when you do have something you need to say.I know alot of people say listening is best in the beginning but for me i have no support beyond the meetings and i think at time not talking hasn't helped me and maybe i would do better i i can share some of these feelings.Anyways the point being is that you need to get into the meeting and actually be there and what do they say work the program,which means sharing,calling when you need help,reading the big book and finding a sponsor.You have ben around awhile and haven't heard you talk much about wether you are doing any of these things so maybe it would help to try.I must admit writing this i hope to be able to help you and also myself , its all there in front of us but we need to work it.
Tracey

Tuesday...
 

Well, I didn't make it to the 10am meeting. I crawled back into bed at 7 and just woke up now at 11:30am. But that's ok, writing on here this morning was almost like a meeting. I got alot of things off my chest and I do feel alot better. I hope I can make it through the day to the meeting tonight, somehow it seems ages away, 8pm? Sigh....but that's ok too. I've got applications to fill out, resume's to send and some new anime to go drool over and wish I could afford in Suncoast. :) Life is good....just for today!

Stacey...
 

You can do this...I myself am just on day #3...AGAIN...but y'know what? That's what these boards are for. That's what meetings are for. That's what AA and the Big Book is for. We are in this thing together, and we just can't do it without each other. I need you, and everyone else here, because we can help each other to stay sober. I relate SO MUCH to your writings....thank you for helping me.

You CAN do this!!!

WE CAN DO THIS!!!

Love to you...

Kai

Hang in there Stacey. I admire the fact that at your young age you are starting the battle to conquer these addictions. When I was your age I didn't have a clue that I had a problem. AA works for me sometimes, but I just can't seem to develop the passion for the program that I see others have. I've made some good friends, but the closest most insightful relationships I've made have been in the recovery programs I was in. I hope you will be able to find yourself in some type of program, it's such a great learning experience, and you're with people who are in the same boat as you instead of trying to play 'catch up' to the majority of addicts with years of recovery behind them. I admire the strength and insight we addicts have. We have some strange kind of gift of compassion that the 'normal people' don't have. The problem is that to recognize these traits in ourselves is non exisistant most of the time because we're so busy beating ourselves up.
Take care, and eat more cereal (CoCo Krispies were always my favorite)

To all...
 

Kai and marilyn,
You guys are the people I depend on, people who are just starting like me. I hate going to meetings and feeling as if I have nothing in common with anyone there. Some days I just sit there and glare at everyone like..."you all suck!" hehe...I don't mean it though, I'm really just jealous that they could do it and I seemingly can't. I like knowing there are other's out there who understand what I'm going though. It is tough to be so "young" in the program. I feel sometimes like most of the other young people are like...really screwed up ya know? Like, those are the only one's that make it in young, the one's who were on a path of destruction consciously. Well, I wasn't...I was just out to have a good time....all the time. Life lessons are hard to learn and well, I'm focusing on making my relationship better with my b/f today and spending the rest of the day when he leaves focusing on a job and my recovery. Life is looking up, I really do still have some faith that I can kick this thing in the butt. :)
Ps. The cereal was good! :) But, coco puffs...sigh, never had them. I'm allergic to chocolate, sorry!

Girl, I can soooo relate!!!
 

Even tho' I was out not to have a good time, but to find oblivion--which I certainly found THAT many times. I know what you mean about being jealous sometimes of people that have a little sobriety under their belts...I see those people even so much as getting a 30 day chip, and think to myself, "Man, I'll NEVER get that far..." Kinda sad, huh, that I can hardly fathom being sober 30 days? But k'now what? I WILL get there....you WILL get there. We just have to keep on doing what we're doing, reaching out, and taking those baby steps...you guessed it...one day at a time!! And it sounds as tho' your b/f is a keeper! As long as he's encouraging you....:D

Have you got a sponsor yet? I do, and we're still getting to know each other...it's taking a little bit for me to reach out and ask for help...but I'm doing it...and so are you! Just by coming here. The sooner you get a sponsor, the sooner you can start working the steps, and that helps so much!!

Don't quit! It's sounding like you've got a good attitude!

Love to you...

Kai

Stacey,
I kind of feel like a mom to you because your age is right inbetween my two daughters (oldest will be 30 in August, younger one will be 18 this month on the 19th).
My feelings are, right now you should be proud of the fact that you are in college, and stay in college all through this ****. Ultimately you need to find fullfillment in what you do for the rest of your life. Having a meaningful and rewarding career is the best thing you can do for yourself. Lovers will come and go. Family, friends, recovery, this is all always changing. I believe that you will truly find your strength by building your education, keep on learning, and be a strong, successful, independent woman that I can see emerging even if you don't. That doesn't mean you shouldn't leave yourself vulnerable at some time. We don't want to be an island, but building your inner strength first will help you to make the right decisions. Learning to love ourselves is the hardest obstacle we face. I think the honesty you are able to show is incredibly mature for someone so young and facing these huge emotionally charged issues.

Not yet...
 

Kai,
I don't have a sponcer yet, although I should. I've been going to the meetings for 6 months and barly said a word at the meetings. I don't like public speaking at all. In fact, it's part of the reason I realize now that I started drinking, because I was shy! After I got kinda sober the first time and I went to speak even in a small group as soon as I felt all those eyes on me, my first instinct was to have a few beers to loosen up. I realize now that talking at a meeting is basically impossible for me. It's not so much that I can't do it, but I'm one of those people that everytime I speak in front of people my face turns bright red, that's enough to stop anyone from talking in a group! On top of that I was raised to never ever talk about your feelings so...trying to get over that and open up not only am I trying to talk in a group, but also combat the red face syndrom while trying to open up and share my feelings, it's something I've never done, let alone in a group! So...sigh, it's kinda impossible. I do better in small groups if anything which 2 Saturday's ago they have meetings at small tables and I like to go to that but even then there was like 10 people at the table. 1 of which is like this 60 yr old guy that looks like Willie Nelson (That's what I call him, I don't even know his real name.) who constantly hits on me and he's friendly and all but, it definitly makes me fall back into the shell even more. I'm one of those people that puts on faces to suit the mood. No matter how I'm feeling, that's how I was raised. Very old fashioned I know! I'm trying to break that and just act how I feel, no matter what it is. Like when Jennie comes over I lose all nerve to even suggest that we go to a meeting, even though she's an addict with drugs too. I never quite know how to feel around her because sometimes she's up for meetings and sometimes she's up for drinking and it's hard to know which way she's feeling and I don't want to be the one to suggest we go to a meeting and have her be like, well, I was thinking we'd drink, ya know? It's friends like that I need to stay away from. Yesterday when we were driving around town drinking (stupid I know, she was driving) we passed like 4 cops along the way, I was soo scared we were going to get caught. I'd never forgive myself if she got arrested drinking with me. Another problem I'd like to work on is saying no. I am almost void of saying no in my life. If someone asks me if I want to drink, it is next to impossible for me to say no. I will make whatever excuse or suggestion I can in the world that doesn't involve me saying no. It's kind of ridiculous. I think that contributes greatly to my drinking because even when I say no at this point people don't listen because they know they can talk me into it. I mean, they don't even try...all they have to do is go to get beer and 95% of the time I end up caving and buying some too. I can't predict when those situations are going to come up but I can predict who they will come up with and that's what I need to avoid. I try to make myself almost angry at them and say...They know you are trying to quit, they don't respect your decision. You should not hang out with them for that. And the other side of me says...Well, if they want to drink, they can drink. It's not like they even try to get me to drink, they just go drink. It's my problem I can't handle the situation. So...it's a two sided coin with no answers. I have to hang out sometimes though ya know? I can't just sit here and be by myself forever. I have made aquantencs in the program but, that's all. I mean, on top of alcoholism I live in a very snotty, stuck up town. So, even when alcoholism is being self serving, people are stuck on themselves on top of that! So, sometimes it's intimidating to talk to people. It's like they've all got this all figured out, they go to not drink but for the most part...they are ok. I want to just sit down with someone and spill my guts. I want to be able to have someone I can talk to that won't tell me what I don't want to hear. "let's go for a drink, your b/f wouldn't mind!" or " I don't think you have a problem" or "hey, you wanna get smashed after the meeting?" I've heard all of these more than once believe it or not. Going to meetings and being female is a difficult thing. Unfortunatly, the only women's meeting in my town is Saturday nights. That's it...and it's big book study, a meeting I've never been to. But, I'm sorry if I'm writing on here alot today, I know I am...but it's day 1 again. Day 1's are always really really hard on me. I'm so vunerable to just go out and say screw it that I know I need to be Very focused on sobriety to make it through it. Isn't that sad? I've been through so many Day 1's I can predict how I'm going to feel and what I need to get through it. I totally understand the 30 day thing. Once I actually made it to 27 days! Can you belive it? 27! But then, Aaron, the guy I met from rehab was going to drink. This is the first time I saw him drink and I figured it may be my only chance to drink with him so I did. Little did I know he was on a pathway back to drunkeness but....I wasted my 27 days for that. I haven't made it that far since...I've been back at like...4 days, 6 days...not even a week. Even that sounds appealing right now. I told my b/f I'm going to hit 30 meetings for 30 days. I know it's supposed to be 90 and 90 but, that's a little out of scope for me right now. It makes me wonder too, half the time I think that I'm not as bad of a drunk as alot of other people but then I think...well, they made it 30 days. They tell stories of going 6 months at a time before they slip, does that actually make me worse of a drunk? It can't be! My disease baffles me and never ceases to amaze me in the way it can distort my thinking. I think in a way it is baffeling to me being a psychology major because the part of psychology I love so much is the chemistry in the brain. I love the science portion and knowing that I have something chemically wrong in my brain drives me crazy. Knowing that something inside me is causing me to crave alcohol when it didn't before just baffles me, ya know? I like want to know where it is and what I can do to fix it. And if there isn't just a pill I can take or something, damnit, I want to invent one. I would spend my life trying to eleviate the suffering for these millions of people life myself. Most of the world doesn't even consider this a disease when there are people dying from it everyday, how is that? I've spent a long time trying to figure out what I want to do in graduate school, brain research in alcoholism is about the most motivating thing I can think of. I understand the cravings, I understand the helplessness, I understand the thought process that you have and don't even understand why you're having them. I commonly feel as if my brain is split into two halfs fueding in world war 3 right in my brain! How can modern science deny the exsistance of that? I know that they are slowly coming around but, not fast enough for me. okok...I'll get down off the soapbox now. :) There is a big storm heading my way...I'm just waiting for it to hit. I love storms. I wish there was like a mid-afternoon meeting ya know? Like now...3pm. Not just 10am and 8pm. I often wondered when I first came to the program about why there aren't any meetings later on the weekends, I mean...that's when people would be drinking right? I mean...9pm I'm out of the meeting on a Friday and at a loss of what to do with myself besides drink. I guess that's a part of the self-learning process of sobriety. Ug, my stomach is pretty upset at me today too...that is a big part of what is keeping me so rooted to this chair typing. But, I will go...I do need to find a job sometime....gotta have those paychecks!

Hi Stacey...
 

as you are interested in "science" check out

"Under The Influence" by Dr. James Milam

Amazon has it...about $8

The info there..coupled with AA finally worked for me.
:D

Congrats on day 1....:shades:

Thanks!
 

Hey! Thanks! I went to amazon and looked up the book, I read the 26 pages they had up there and I'd like to read more but unfortunatly right now I am jobless. But, once I get a job with my first paycheck I will certainly be buying that. I already checked my dinky little library here and we don't have it either. Sigh... Aww well. Thanks for the tip though! Last night Jennie and I went to a meeting and it was a really good one. Everyone all excited about their sobriety n' stuff. Made me feel really bad though. I was sitting there like, I just drank last night. There's a guy there that's always really excited and he comes up to me after the meeting and was like.."How are you doin' girl?" I kinda mumbled..."I'm ok.." and averted his gaze and walked out the door. I was so obvious. I'm sure he could tell. See, he said hi to Jennie and she's all looking him right in the eye like..I'm doing great! That's the thing, she can lie right to someone's face and be compleatly straight about it, I can't. Expecially when it comes to my sobriety. I just can't lie about it. If someone would've asked me "When's the last time you drank." I'm not going to lie to them. That's not going to help me. Get this though, we leave the meeting and are driving along and Jennie still has half her drink from when we drank the night before and she pulls it out like.."heyhey, look what I found!" and starts pretending like it smells oh, so good ya know? And she's making little jokes about putting it in front of the air conditioning to make it "nice and frothy cold" See, she knows that I can't say no. I don't say no normally, I just don't. I'm not good at it...and when it comes to alcohol, she know's I'm pretty well ...well, powerless against it. So, this is like her way of tough love trying to teach me to say no. She kept asking me over and over if I wanted it and I just kept ignoring her and changing the subject till she finally gave up. See, I can say no when it comes to someone actually kinda pissing me off like she was. I don't know....This weekend I'm supposed to be going to this fair with my mom, my cousin that just turned 21 and his mom to go see this band I always used to watch at the bar. Problem is, they are playing in the beer tent. Problem #2 is: I didn't go to my cousin's birthday because they were all going bar hopping down the street that I left and got arrested the last time I was there. I vowed to never go back. Well, I sent along money and note saying I"m sorry, i can't go there but I'll be at your actual birthday party this weekend. Well, stupid me in the middle of quitting my job and everything I forgot to go. So, now the plan is to go to this beer tent this weekend that I really really really wanna go to but I know I shouldn't. I'd offer to be the DD and go but, I know it's not fair to everyone else that they are going to rely on me for rides home but I can't even rely on myself to not get drunk so...that's out of the question. My mind tried to trick me and say...well, if people are actually relying on you to be sober then that'll help me stay sober. But in reality, nothing will help me beyond myself. So, now I don't know quite what to do. My family is being persistant. My mom tells me..."Well, just go have one so you can say you drank with him and he'll get off your back." No one understands that I can't have just one. I try to tell them and it's like they think I'm being irrational like...everyone can just have one! It's like when I got arrested and my family wouldn't admit it. They just overlook it like it never happened. If it comes up they gloss over it like..okok..it happened, let's move on now. They don't realize that if I didn't have a drinking problem, that may have very well never have happened. See, I used to go drinking with my mom. (yes, sad what length's your disease will drag you to! :) ). My mom used to get into a car with me when I was so trashed I could walk straight but as long as I said I was ok she would get in with me and let me drive. My mom is even worse at saying no than I am. So...I know this is on me. My cousin thinks I'm stuck up because of my dad. Okok...I'm getting in too deep here but to understand me is to understand my twisted family and what helped me to turn to drinking in the first place. My dad is narsassisitic. He thinks he can do no wrong and he is great. He brags himself up to everyone and anyone. It doesn't even matter if they are listening most of the time as long as they pretend to be. Well, along with that he brags me going to college up to my cousin's family that never went to college. So, in their mind they think...oh, she's stuck up, she thinks she's better than us. Which of corse isn't true at all! But, now that I didn't go to the bar with everyone and I forgot to go to my cousin's b-day the pressure is on for me to go somewhere with them. Otherwise they are going to condem me to being this stuck up college chick that deserted her family for "better things." I think that's crazy myself, but...I live in a gossipy family. I tend to keep my space from most of the extended family because I know how they are, I know how my dad talks about me in front of them and in turn, I can imagine their feelings towards me. I feel bad but I've told my dad to stop...it's pointless though. His attitude is like...well, I can brag you up, you've worked really hard to get where you are. (in my mind...no thanks to you, not like you gave me a penny to help!) and if they have a problem with it, they're just jealous of you." That's my dad, there is no point in trying to reason with him. I just like to stay away from the drama. I don't need it. It's true, I do work very hard in school...but that's for me. Not to feel like I'm better than anyone. If money was all i was after I certainly wouldn't have chosen Psychology and Criminal Justice! Sigh...anyways, I've gone on forever here..again. Tomarrow night I'm supposed to be going to the fair with my mom where the alleged beer tent from Saturday will be at. I don't know what I can do to try and make everyone happy. Maybe I can't stop my extended family from hating me, is it my fault I'm an alcoholic? Why don't they just understand, I don't want even one drink, that's NOT sobriety! If I have one Saturday, that'll turn into 2 Monday or something and I'll be passed out drunk again by the end of the week. Sigh....as I've wished since I was a kid: Why can't I just have a Normal Family??? I'm 24 years old, I would've hoped I could've figured out something that would help them to understand who I am by now. (alcoholic or not) Sigh....does anyone else get problems like this??

Hi Stacy, I have been reading your posts. It is difficult at the start but, I also am glad you are starting at a young age. The key thing for me was to keep trying. I started back in 82 at 34. I'm now going on 55 and still trying to get it. You don't have to do this I hope. I just can't give up. I have had trouble with family and friends due to the amount of time but, maybe this is the time.
Right now, even just talking about it is good for you. I can help you with support and suggestions but, it sounds to me that a rehab may help. Maybe one of your state agencys can help you. Hang in there and keep us posted on your progress. Don W

Hi Stacey,

You wonder why you don't have a 'normal family' like most people. I think 'normal' is a big misconception. What is normal? Most people have what could be considered abnormal or disfunctional families for one reason or another.
One great fact my therapist pointed out to me, that I didn't realize before, is that through all of the hell I've been through because of my addictions, I never have really clued my daughter in on my pain through all of this. I guess I kind of assumed she had some idea of what I've been going through the last 14 months, 2 rehabs and many life changes through this. Actually, she has no idea of the impact and pain all of this has had on my life. I always wanted to spare her of my pain, and glently steer her away from my this path of which she has huge heritery disposition to. What I need to do is sit her down, and really explain the truth about addictive behaviour. This is really hard for me to do because I am very codependent, something I never realized before. My daughter who I love so much has no idea I've entertained thoughts of suicide, and that my self esteem is nearly non existent. To tell her these things will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but it is also the best mothering I can ever do for her. Either she'll hear me or not. I think she will, but it will just be the beginning of recovery for her, and ultimately be a great step in my own.

G'Morning!
 

Marilyn,
Sounds like you've got your hands full! It's always good to let your kids know what's up in your life. I don't have any of my own but, I do remember when I was a kid always wondering what was going on in my parents head. My dad used to hit me on a regular basis so...I always wondered how my mom let it go on. I realize now she was just in a desperate situation because she didn't think she could give us a decent life without my dad in the picture. Yucky, bill collections calling me. Anyways, it's day 3. BTW: Don't think that I have forgiven my mom for not doing anything, I only understand why she did what she did, not that I agree with it. I've been going to meetings everyday since I drank, things have been slowly looking up. Last night though I went to an out of town meeting in this little hick town about 10 minutes from here. (yeah, my town is small enough that another town is only 10 minutes away..hehe) But, it was a steps and traditions meeting that they went around this table and everyone talks. Well, it came to me and I was so nervous at the prospect of talking that I always get all flustered and resort to my script. That's what I call it anyways....here it is. "I started drinking when I was 15. I got arrested last September, have been trying to quit ever since. Once I had 27 days going but now I've only got 2. Next!" That's it. And here I am thinking Sweet, I finally admitted that I only had 2 days. Okok...someone help me...here we go. And everyone's like..."Keep coming back" and that's it...No one talked to me after the meeting, no one even attempted. So, then I was thinking back and I was like...I didn't ask for help. They all probrably just think I'm one of those people who are just checking out the meeting but not ready to quit yet because I didn't ask for help. Sigh....So, that's it for that meeting. Problem is...my time is running out. I know that if too many days go by with nothing, not even a conversation with someone. I will end up drinking again. And, I can tell you that if something profound doesn't happen, that will end up being Saturday. I only have myself right now, and I think I've proven that that doesn't work. I have the board..you guys...but as much as this is great to get it out there, it's not someone here, now ya know? It says in the big book that part of the start of recovery is to talk to someone and get it all out. Well, I feel like I've been bursting at ths seams here ready and willing to talk to someone and ask for help but....there doesn't seem to be anyone willing to listen. I can't just go up to some stranger and be like...Can I talk at you for awhile? My dad has spent my life talking at me, I can't do it to someone else. I've been hoping that maybe someone would ask me a couple of questions just so I could spill. I want to spill. I want to let it all out but there's no one there to listen. So, I hold it inside and the demon's eventually catch up with me and go...see, eveyone you know wants you to drink. Everyone else is drinking, why don't you? No one at those meetings cares about your sobriety, everyone is there for themselves. I know I can't do it alone but, alone is all I seem to be able to get. I can talk to my b/f but, he's not an alcoholic. I know deep down that for all his words of guidance, he doesn't Really understand. Aww well, so...that's where I'm at. Still bursting at the seems, dying to talk to someone. Dying to find a sponcer. Sigh.....but there just isn't anyone there. I wish I could just go into a meeting and be like...I started drinking because I don't like talking in groups. And now that I'm sober, I really don't like talking in groups because I know I do it much better drunk so...that's all I have. hehe...Ya know? What do I do if that's my problem? Sit and suffer in silence. That's what I've been doing for 7 months now. Trying to stop on my own....I'm sorry, I'm getting angry here. I'll stop....sigh...I can't give up. I want it so bad but I know I can't do it alone. If there isn't someone soon though, i know I can't hold out on my own forever. I just never make it. My anger gets the best of me and when I'm surrounded by people that love and care about me, but their all drinking. It makes me feel like they are the only one's who care and no matter if I want to be sober or not...I'm obviously wrong, so I end up drinking with them and pull back into my shell my thoughts of sobriety. Sigh....life is hard.

You know exactly what you need to do Stacey. If you go to the fair with your mom/aaron/jennie/f*kin mickey mouse, you'll drink.

And then you can come back here and write a nice long whiney journal entry about it. Some folks here are actually trying to stay sober. Have you ever thought that the way you play this message board might actually be harmful to others?

You pay lip service to the program but don't want to do the hard work. Once you admit that, you may be able to stay sober.

Otherwise you have three options: jail, insanity, or death.

PS I got sober at 23.

Stacey...
 

I'm like you...I wish that there was some sort of magical CURE for this disease, but there isn't. We just have to keep plugging away at this thing, and if we're really lucky, one day, we'll "get it." A lady at a meeting Tuesday night was sharing about how greatful she was because she was 11 years sober...but she also said she was "in" the program for a whole year before she finally "got honest." Maybe that's it in a nutshell for me, at least...am I being honest --TOTALLY HONEST--with myself? Ya know? I really don't think so. Fact is, I love the effect I get when I drink. The Big Book even tells me that's why I keep doing it. But you know what else? Ever since last September when I went into treatment, that good, oblivion-bringing drunk has never been the same since. And I can see that all those hung-over days, parents finding empty bottles, slleping aways whole weekends...the consequences of my drinking are killing me AND the people that love me. Even tho' most people would say that my stint in rehab didn't do any good, well, I've got news for them--it DID me a WORLD of good, because it PLANTED THE SEED for me to finally get well. (Mine is just taking a little longer to grow.) I don't care if it takes forever, I REALLY WANT TO GET WELL. And they say that when you want something bad enough....I am still learning on a daily basis how to live, and I know I'm going to make SO MANY mistakes that have nothing to do with even getting drunk, but as long as I work these steps to the best of my ability, I will learn to cope---without taking that drink. What's the saying? "It's the FIRST drink that gets us drunk."

I don't know if I was able to help or not...but thanks for letting me share...

Love to you...

Kai

Thank you and Goodbye
 

All,
Thank you Kaibaby. I get angry when I've been trying so hard for so long. I've spent nights curled up on the floor crying because I can't stop...and that was sober. I think about how to go about getting rid of everyone around me for hours. I lay awake almost everynight waiting to get to a meeting the next day. I want sobriety as much as anyone else does. I was brought up in a very non-traditional household that Never shared feelings. I was hit when I expressed my opinion. My b/f says that all I need to do is really talk at the meetings. Really open up. But, that's sooo hard for me. I'd like to open up to 1 person, ya know? Not a room full of strangers! Sometimes I have problems even telling my b/f of almost 4 years what I'm really feeling! I'll admit that that is my problem and that I need to work on it but, it certainly doesn't help me in recovery. I sat and read the big book last night for about an hour, that really helped.
EvrWideninHeart,
I'm sorry for whatever I do that doesn't help you. I was thinking that this board wasn't for only those who already have it, but for those who are still trying to get it. I feel you have condemed me to drinking Saturday night. This is a part of the program that is going to test me. Everyone going someplace that I used to go. I've been there for the past 3 years. I was hoping to get a little support in trying to change old habits because I know it's what I need to do. I come to this board crying out in desperation for some help in talking to someone face to face at a meeting. All I got from you EvWideninheart was the same thing I could've gotten from anyone else. Drink stacey drink, you know you want to. You know, you're just going to fail. Your message made me cry inside and that is not the support I need. I feel I am at my most desperate attempt to stay sober. I am at the point finally that I am willing to do anything. However, I come on here and say that and I get called a failure because I haven't done it sooner. Well, Thank You EvrWideninheart, you have showed me that no matter what, people are always willing to give up on me, as I am so close to giving up on myself as well.
Your comment pushed me back in recovery quite a bit. I feel it uncomfortable to share my thoughts and concerns about staying sober on here anymore. If I wanted to be told all I was gong to do is fail, I could talk to any one of my friends or family for that. I don't need it here. It hurts me to leave because I feel I really like this board for the support it does offer me when I need it at 5am or whenever I'm not at a meeting. So...I do not want to harm others recovery. Athough it hurts me, I will not return to this board. I hope I can find confidence and trust that I would expect from an alcoholics board somewhere else.
Goodbye

Dear Stacey,

Don't let this pea head EvrWideninHeart (stange he chose this name, doesn't sound to me like his heart is all that big) comments get you down. I see a lot of people who are so threatened by the difficulties of others, the only way they can deal with it is to lash out. I can see that you're working on all of this to the best of your ability. You are making steps in the right direction. The whole AA mentality wears on me sometimes. Principle before personality I like. The keep coming back motto I like. The unjudgemental attitude of most of the people I like. All we can do is to continue to try to get well, however and whatever it takes. I agree with Kai. I also agree with you, life is so hard. For us the trick is learning how not to make it harder on ourselves. You do have people here who listen to what you have to say, and care about you. I agree that a flesh and blood person is better, but maybe you're able to be more truthful writing on the boards this way. Reading about your struggles help me, I think we can all help each other.

Thank You
 

Thank you....
I have spent the past hour or so laying in my bed thinking. Reading a little of the big book and talking to my old best friend in Tennessee who, when he lived here was my biggest and most understanding friend I've ever had. He moved because of a girl. He moved before I really started drinking but we've remained friends for the past 3 years on the phone. He's coming up here next month to stay with me for a few days. He says he's going to not allow me to drink and to "fix that problem of mine" hehe....I need people like him in my life. I would trust my life to him if he wanted me to. He gave me hope. You people give me hope, and you are right. I shouldn't give up just because of one indecent person. I am aware maybe I shouldn't go on about when I fail and I will not anymore. I understand that it could be making it difficult for others reading about how I failed, maybe making them want to fail. If I do fail again, which...let's pray I don't. I will not write alot about it and reserve that for my diary, ok? I am sorry if I hindered anyone else's recovery and I will try to stay on track with only writing when I have a real concern about something aa related. Otherwise, I will talk to my friend in Tennessee or hit a meeting or talk to my b/f about problems that don't directly deal with AA. Thank you again marilyn. I know there are people who like to read what I write and that helps too. I am 100X more honest and show everything I'm feeling on the boards. It's a 180 from in person, trust me. I'm very quiet but outgoing. If that makes sence. I have an outer shell that is very friendly and always smiling. But underneath it, my mood does not always match. I find it difficult to tell people how I really feel sometimes because it's so much easier to hide and agree. I've lived my entire life this way, it's a necessity to make it in my families household. Therefore, to break it is to almost become a different person. I think this is the part of aa I haven't really worked. I've been working so hard on just not drinking, I sometimes forget that it is more than that. It is a lifestyle change. I need to let the old me go and try to learn to open up more. Even if I never really change hiding my feelings, I hope I can open up enough at meetings to get what I feel out and get some help. That's what I need to do now before I fail again, always hiding my true feelings inside myself.

You better NOT.....
 

....go anywhere! We ALL need you here! That's such a HUGE part of what AA is ---a bunch of drunks sharing their experience, strength, and hope with each other; what you have to say certainly helps me, and I know it helps others as well. If nothing else, it just helps to know that we're not alone. KEEP COMING BACK! We need you, and you need us! You can do this!
It will come to you, and it DOES come..."sometimes quickly, sometimes SLLOOWWWLY."

Love you, girlie!

(((((HUGS)))))

Kai:kisshug:

Hi, Evr,
This post was helpful--how? To Stacey, somehow? To you?

You have an amazing ability to predict the future! You know exactly what's going to happen to Stacey!
Here's a fact: not everyone who drinks heavily ends up in jail or insane, and we all end up dead. My mother's smoking has directly had far graver consequences than her lifetime of drinking. So, to your three miserable options I'd add:
poor quality of life with increasingly negative health effects,
OR
sobriety. That's the best option for most of us.

Maybe some posts that would help folks choose and achieve sobriety would be more productive. Congratulations on achieving sobriety at 23! How did you do it? What worked for you?

Stacey's posts are helpful to her, I assume, and are helpful to others here who are in similar situations. Reading them, I sense that she is dealing with other stressful issues in her life, which she might feel drinking helps to relieve; that she has a lot of drinking situations that are hard to avoid; that her family has possibly been a source of some of her stresses, feelings, and behaviors. I'm guessing there are others here who can relate to that. So posting about it and talking about it helps her, helps us, and maybe even (gasp!) helps you.

Don S

Day 3
 

Don,
Yes, thank you. It does help me to get it out. I started out writing in my diary but, it's hard because you know you are the only one who is going to read it. In the program they say you can't do it alone, who why write to yourself? That was my theory at least. Everyone has stress in their life beyond drinking. When, like me, you use drinking as a stress relief, to try and stop but still have all the stress is a common trigger to make me go back out. It's easy to say F*** it and just call someone to drink. Ah, how easy it is to call someone to drink but so hard to call someone to Not drink. I have personally been getting increasingly anxious because I know I am known to fail in a situation such as this Saturday. I know I can just not go but, then I'll be miserable sitting at home while everyone else is out. I've tried and tried to convince myself that I don't need to be miserable, that I can do other stuff and have fun but...it remains that all of my friends drink. They will all be there and naturally, I want to have fun too. Sigh, so it becomes almost a nasty side effect that beer is always involved. I try to tell myself over and over, I can just go to a meeting Saturday night and then do something with my b/f. But either way, I know where my mind is going to be no matter how hard I try to not think about it. Eventually my b/f get's sick of me being quiet and just gets frusterated and tells me, "Why don't you just go and drink if it makes you so miserable not to?" ya know? And he has a point. Maybe I'm not ready to stop but, I know it's good for me and I know it's what I eventually need to do no matter what. So why not stop myself before it becomes too great a problem? It's really hard to convince myself that I don't want to be out with my friends having fun, watching a band I used to watch all the time ya know? Everything in me curses the beer that has to be present. I wish it wasn't. Aww well, it's all a part of the game of life I suppose. My mom is coming over...sigh, that's going to make it difficult to hit a meeting tonight. I'll have to see what i can do. Damn parents.

Re: Day 3
 

Hi, Stacey,
I'm just going to pick out a couple of things you said here.
"Everyone has stress in their life beyond drinking....I've been getting increasingly anxious because I know I am nown to fail in a situation such as this...."
"I'll be miserable sitting at home....I want to have fun too."
I think you can see that your drinking may be causing you some anxiety? I know my panic attacks melted away after I quit drinking.
Avoiding situations where I had drunk in the past was helpful to me in early sobriety, as I think it is to most people, but there are family and social situations that are hard to avoid. Planning for the urges you'll experience there (if you go) and practicing what you're going to say and do, can increase your chances of success.

But it really sounds to me as though you're giving yourself permission to drink already, if you choose to go. You've got a couple of days to think about this. Personally, I wouldn't go if I felt I was sure to drink, but if I'd built up my confidence and had my responses ready when drinks were offered to me--I might do it just to prove to myself (and others?) that my sobriety doesn't have to limit my social life. Give that some thought, and others here can suggest how they avoid drinking in similar situations.

It is possible to NOT drink around drinking friends and family (if I never visited my drinking family members, I'd never see most of my relatives!). It IS possible to have fun without drinking. I just got back from taking my kids and some friends to OzzFest (now THAT's an experience!). I can guarantee you I was having lots more fun than the folks who were drinking beer in 105F temperatures!

It is also possible to be home, sober, and not be miserable. It helps to have something else to occupy your time if you'd usually be drinking to alleviate boredom (writing here is a good start). Of course, going to a meeting might be a good way to occupy the time. But you haven't described those meetings as being very helpful to you; you've even mentioned drinking behavior immediately afterwards by you and your friends. And you've said that talking at the meetings makes you anxious. If I had waited to quit drinking until I could go to meetings regularly, I'd still be drinking....

So, here are my questions:
Can you go to this party and not drink? What would help you avoid drinking?
Can you stay home and not be miserable? What would help you not be miserable?
If you stayed home, and your friends and family were upset with you, is that really such a big deal?

And, what is the answer to your boyfriend's question? I'm not saying he's right; I think he was just expressing frustration. But it would be useful to have an answer, and we all face this question at one time or another: why DON'T you keep drinking if quitting makes you so miserable?
Because drinking makes you MORE miserable?
Because it isn't the quitting itself that makes you miserable, it's other things?
Because drinking doesn't really make anything better?

Talk to you soon, Stacey, and thanks for posting.
Don S