I Hit A New Bottom
 

I think I am going to start listening to folks at meetings now. I relapsed after 4 months of sobriety. Some of you may know that I have a love/hate relationship with AA. When I was sitting in a tiny jail cell with 2 other guys all I kept thinking was, "why didn't I go to a meeting?" I was charged with 3 different misdeamenors from being wasted at a casino. I was high on xanax and about 16 beers. I will never forget this bottom. When I was in jail I was not given my anti-depressant medication either. I haven't had a sponser in about 2 years. I need a sponser. I am very grateful for being sober today.


Tiburon
"In And Out Of Sobriety Since 2002"

Take the "think" out of that sentence and you will find some answers.
Listen and then do will get you far.

I am going to start listening to folks at meetings now

Tib,

welcome back!

I hope you are finally at a place where you are ready to get off the elevator as it only gets worse the farther down we go.

I realize that AA is a very difficult choice to make. I know I had to be pretty desperate to get to the place where I was willing to follow the path laid out in the Big Book.

I would suggest that you consider starting to read our Big Book study, it has a lot of information in it and also really explains passages in the Big Book quite well. I am someone who when I read the Big Book I had some trouble applying it to myself and really understanding it and the program. Utilizing a study like the one here has really helped me a lot that is why I decided to put in the time to type it in and post it. Here is a link to the first part of the study. It starts with the Forward to the book.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...anonymous.html

I have not had time to post it all yet but it is there through the Chapter 5 "How it Works", although that is currently a work in progress for me.

Take care. I do hope you find a way to work the program and find a solution. You can do this. Life does not have to get worse.

Nothing happens in Gods world by mistake. This could perhaps by a sign. But that's by Gods will, not ours.


Tom

These bottoms are sometimes a blessing. I wsa again reminded this week that by not doing what is basically the 5 things that help us to clean house, trust God and help others my life too becomes unmanageable - and I don't even need to pick up a drink!

For me those 5 things are :

- Meetings (Fellowship)
- Sponsor - share at the meeting that you go to today (:)) that you need a sponsor even a temporary one which often works well;
- Stepwork - DOING the steps!
- Service
- Higher Power

AA works if you work it - working it means all 5 things - take what you like and leave the rest was invented somewhere, but isn't actually part of AA IMHO it's a program of action and it WORKS!

Build on your 4 months, do what is suggested - you will be amazed before you are halfway through! It's an awesome way to live!

Cathy31
x

The thing I need to remember is that everyones recovery is different. Some get it the first time, some do not. I find it interesting that each time I relapsed since 2002 I rarely stayed out more than a few days. Unfortunately, the few days of using have had serious consequences. I often hated people who "got sobriety" the first time around.
I hated because I was probably jealous. The sad part is that "jails and institutions" had become a way of life. I got use to living a life of misery. The good thing though is that I finally admit my ways are just not working.

Tiburon
"In And Out Of Recovery Since 2002"

THERE ARE BOTTOMS OUT THERE I CAN'T EVEN FATHOM

AA has worked for me.

It's taken me out of myself and wanting to help others

I gotta wonder why you obviously quit taking Antabuse?
It did seem to be helping you stay sober.

Good to know you are planning to recover.
It's been a long hard battle for you.
:hug:

Tib, this can be a real good starting place for you. As you may recall, I had 7 years of sobriety "my way" before relapse. I did not realize I was miserable. It was very confusing. After all, just being sober I was able to acquire things I had not been able to acquire before. Things like good job, house, good relationship. It just didn't make any sense. Why was I not happy. The simple answer I know now is because I wasn't changing. I was operating on old ideas and old thinking. And eventually, it got me drunk. Relapse is not a part of recovery. It does happen. And for those of us that survive it, it can be a powerful lesson. It can, if you want it to, lead to a willingness to submit to a way of life other than your own. I hope you do consider sponsorship. And then let him do your thinking for you for awhile. I am a chronic relapser and it worked for me. My sponsor got me into the steps quickly. I have done what he has told me to do without hesitation, and he has never lied to me. I have been taken to a place where I belong in this world, I belong to God, and I belong to you. That happened at 4,5,6,&7 and from that day to this day that has not changed. At 8 & 9 I began to get free, but there is a long period of reconstruction ahead. These are the gifts I have received from following directions. I can't help but think, who can't get excited over this??? I mean think about it, these are gifts beyond belief. And it can and will happen for you if you are willing. 11 months from starting over and I have now been instructed to raise my hand for sponsorship. I did not know what this was all going to look like when I started over last year. Any preconceived notions I had were all wrong, every one of them. It started with willingness.

What has to happen, has to happen. No time for remorse, time for action! You know the drill...

The amount of Antabuse I was taking was too low of a dose. An addiction psych doctor has informed me that for some they need 500mg a day to be effective. Well at least I have learned what it means to be grateful.

I hope you are done and know in your heart of hearts that for you there may not be a next time.

I remember when I walked into a noon AA meeting the day after my last drink. When the chairperson asked for newcomers, I said I was back. There was a man there I had never liked and hated to listen to even more. He looked at me across a table in a room full of people and said "I've been watching you and if you don't get your head out your ass you are going to die." I HEARD him. The first person I ever really listened to in AA.

Tib, if you'll allow me license, I'll echo that to you. I've been watching you post opinions about subjects of which you have no experience of for some time now. I did that for years, so I can say that. I sincerely hope you are done and can hear a message of depth, weight, and hope.
Jim

Tib,
How are you doing? Anything I can do to help? Feel free to pm me if you wish.
Jim

Tib I really care about you, you are so much like I was before I got into AA, I fought everything, I was frustrated, angry, and plain fed up with life and people suggesting I try different ways of living it!!!

Not sure how or why you got into AA and it really does not matter, when I got into AA it was because alcohol had totally kicked my arse and I knew for a surety that I had no idea how to stay stopped. I was more then willing to do what ever it took to get and stay sober. I am sure if I had found AA 10 years before I would have been fighting it tooth and nail and relapsing over and over again, heck I might have still been fighting it.

Please do not take this the wrong way, but I hope you have found your bottom, it was so much easier for me I guess because when I came into the rooms I was totally lost, I just had no idea how to stay stopped, but I knew death was going to be the next stop on the train if I did not stop.

Tib I found the final surrender to be the easiest way, the softer way...... once I quit fighting it and accepted the guidance/suggestions of others life got better. I was no longer thinking "What the hell does that jerk know, I can do this my way." I followed suggestions even when I did not like them, slowly as I followed those suggestions I began to realize that "Hey, I guess that jerk knew what he was talking about."

I know I have been kind of hard on you about the honesty thing, but it was all in love brother.... all in love.

(BTW I can tell by your new sig you are heading in the right direction.)

Tib-

Welcome.

*hug*

Hey Tib!!! You still here?

Good luck my friend. You are moving forward.

Yeah thanx everyone. I feel like a AA failure. In & out of the program for years. I just am trying to get by day to day. The depression is horrible. I found a good sponser. A guy I have watched in the AA rooms for years.

Tiburon

tiburon -

I offer this to you.

All any of us get ... is the one day.
Some of us ... make a deal out of how much 'time' we have .. because it's ALL we have.
and ...*shrug* who's business is it anyhow?
Some of them; I ignore. Others of them, I look up to.

Ten years of doing the wrong thing doesn't match one day of doing the right thing. And that's a simple truth.

Well ... seeing this from where I USUALLY see things ... just a little ... off... from where everyone else apparently is seeing it -

I see you being gifted an OPPORTUNITY to make this time ...
an honest time. So maybe don't be so down. This is the chance you've been needing.

The days you have right now - are YOURS. They're REAL. Don't compare them to anyone else's. They're not BETTER than anyone's. They're not LESS than anyone's. Theyre YOURS.

Hang on to that, hon.

I think you'e being gifted something here. Im trying to encourage you to grab onto it amd do something you've not been able to until now. Make this time - the last time.

*hug*

I've said before - the accomplishing of the working of the steps, the DOING the program, as written, in order ... meant something that I had never done before - meant I'd not fidged ... I'd not cheated ... I'd not 'slunk' in ... I'd earned it the accomplishment. DOING that ... changed something in me. Fundamentally.

I'd love that for you, tib. I think you hunger for that.

*prayers*

Sorry Tib, you still in trouble with the law or are you okay? 16 beers... jeez.

Beautiful post Barb, thank you so much. Great advice, very humbling, thank you!

Thanks barb. Inspiring.

Tib the only people I know of that have "Failed" AA were those that quit AA.

Tib each one of us has our own story, each of us has to drink enough before we really "Get it". Anyone alcoholic can go to AA, but until they are willing to do what ever it takes to stay stopped, they will continue to relapse/slip over and over again.

I am sure you have plenty of old timers in your area that relapsed over and over again before they finally "Got it". We have a guy that spent 13 years in and out of the rooms, he shared that even when he was going to meetings, doing service work, and had a sponsor he was still drunk most of the time. He kept going back because he wanted to "Get it"! Well today he has over 3 years sober, he finally "Got it".

Tib I am sure the depression is horrible, you say you got a good sponsor, do you want to help him stay sober? Use him!!!! He needs you just as much as you need him! Be open and honest with him, tell him that you feel like crap, he may suggest something that sounds useless at the time, just do it, he is not going to suggest a darn thing that he himself has not done.

Service work seemed silly to me, how in the world could making coffee, setting up a meeting, tearing down a meeting, or giving someone a ride to a meeting or home from one help someone stay sober?

Part of the reason it keeps folks sober is accountability, but there is more to it, what I don't know, I don't need to know! I have 2 service psoitions, my sponsee does service work, we are both sober! I have seen a few folks in my area who relapsed over and over again, like you they got a sponsor who put them in some service positions and they are staying sober! How or why I am not totally sure, I just accept that it does and I do it.

Tib feel free to PM me if you wish, it will stay between you and I.

HI Tib,

Can't say much more than what's already been said..

You CAN do this.

Karen

Honestly a part of me doesn't care anymore. I have always been a "binge drinker". Before and during my stint in AA/NA. I have an incredible tolerance for alcohol even after quiting for months at a time. It is horrible when a person feels like they have 2 choices: pick up a loaded gun or pick up a bottle. No I'm not suicidal right now, however, in the past I have been. I have attempted suicide twice in the past. The first being a "attention seeking" one and the second being a very serious one. I have done the "jails and institutions" too many times, I'm approaching 30. I'm too old for all that.

how'd it go for ya today tib?

I know - it's like that joke ... "well, other n' that, Miz Lincoln, how was the play?"

Tib you know I care about you, I have walked in your shoes, there are an awful lot of people who care about you, we are all more then willing to continue to care about you until you come once again to the point you care about you.

If you have not let any one know the way you feel right now I really encourage you to do so. Let your sponsor and friends in and out of the rooms know, let your family know, I am sure you will be amazed at how many people do care about you.

Tib I was 52 when I got sober, 30 is still very young, there are so many people who can benefit from your experiences.

Reach out for help, there are a lot of folks that can and will help.

Thanks Taz. I know that if I continue to drink/drug that I will die. A part of me doesn't even think that I deserve to be sober. Look at my previous posts and you can tell that I was and am a very angry person. I once heard that depression is anger turned inward.

Tiburon

Of course you desrve to be sober. Not only sober, but life. I was angry when I got sober as well, so I understand. Outrage is the only way that we can express the kind of loneliness we experience.

Let me know if I can help, tib.
Jim