good on ya!!
heck, i avoided "to wives' for a while. i was single,never been married and,welp, a male, so what did i need to read that for?? :)
until one day a man said at a meeting," the 3 most important words in the big book are the first 3 on pg 112."
HUH!!!
:)

Weev...just for giggles here is a live and current step 4 (or 10) I am willing to share online should others wish to contribute and share their wisdom...for purpose of illustration. I thoroughly recommend you continue and complete your own and make it thorough. The situation is about 4/5 weeks old and it's taking up a lot of room in my head.

I'm resentful towards:
Person a

The cause:
She slept with someone else
She slept with two people we both knew well
She lied to me

Affects my:
Self Esteem
Security (Emotional)
Personal Relationships
Sexual relationships

Pause...
"This is a sick person. How can I be helpful to her? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done"

My part:
Selfishness...
I was constantly jealous of this persons time. Instead of enjoying our time together I always demanded more.

Self-seeking...
I often chase relationships and neglect my responsibilities because I prefer the temptation of a shortcut to happiness, rather than dedicating time and effort to growing into the person I should be

Dishonesty
I suspected this person would act as they did. I didn't voice, act on or admit these feelings to myself because I wanted physical intimacy.
This person was with someone else shortly before us. By starting a relationship in secret I helped arouse suspicion and jealousy in the ex partner

Fear
I am afraid I will not find a suitable companion for myself. This fear drives me to pursue inappropriate relationships such as this one.
Because I fear that I will not be accepted for myself, I do not act as myself in relationships and don't confront unacceptable behaviour
I am afraid of what people will think of me if they hear of my behaviour in relationships, so I am jealous and suspicious of partners talking to mutual friends about me.
I fear that the more people get to know me, the less they will like me. This makes me hide the person I really am.
I am afraid my alcoholism and sobriety will prevent me from finding a genuinely compatible and fulfillig life partner.

Or I could take another popular route and consider the seven deadly sins :)
In particular in this instance I have noticed Jealousy. I'm finding it particularly hard to let go of this because it's created a sense of sexual jealousy...that someone else is "enjoying" something that "should have been mine". In truth this person is a human being over whom I had no control or stake.
I am also continuing contact with them...fuelling the resentment and jealousy. ..in part because I want to occupy their time or emotional investment to prevent them moving on or enjoying time with someone else.

This is only one approach...and a first effort. There is more to the situation no doubt. A thorough fifth step would allow me to explore it. However simple or daunting the process seems believe me it is hugely freeing...especially if we can be thorough in listing ALL our resentments, fears, sexual conduct and harms to others.

Take great care and keep doing what you're doing.

P

Dear tomsteve, that made me laugh.
Those women in there are quite intimidating if you're an alcoholic woman. I've never met anybody that reasonable in my life. I don't quite believe they exist.
Imagine a household like that, no shouting or blame or fistfights. Just calmly being loved back to health in a reasonable way. Wow.
I wonder if I'll come out like that after the steps. It'd be nice not to have the chaos.

Dear P, that is very helpful. Thank you for taking the time.

I think I’ve got the wrong idea about my step 4. It’s also going to take a lot longer than I planned.

I’m not smart enough to think or write like that. I know I’m angry at everyone but why??? Stuff just seems to happen to me. Better talk to HP more.

This is a serious question, do you really say that prayer? “This is a sick person….” not just a *** the world would be better off without?

I guess thats besides the point. I’m trying to find and stop doing things that will ultimately hurt me. Is fear normally behind these resentments?

p.s. your sex life sounds great - I’m a bit jealous :)

Right off to meeting now. Wishing you peace and calm in your heart.

Weev...the "life" isn't great, trust me...part of the cause of my Ill feeling :) This was a very specific situation with someone that I knew well that had the promise of something deeper. Ah well.

The example above is based on several years practice and more being revealed. Start where you are and do what you can. Again the above is quite a deep resentment so perhaps deserved more attention...not all will be so detailed.

In this case I have used that prayer several times! As with all prayers In the big book "The wording is optional", but I believe and am told it is important to voice the intent wholly amd sincerely. I'd suggest it's worth talking over with someone what the intent of each prayer is...the magic for me is not the ritual of prayer but learning to pray (or whatever alternative practice suits you) wholeheartedly along the right lines. In this case I understand the person has their own fears, defects, emotional hurts and ingrained unhelpful patterns of behaviour. People can ne sick in many ways. Drink was a factor in their behaviour also.

Enjoy your meeting :)

P

P.s. fear is often if not always behind these resentments. But it may be helpful to consider the specific mainfestations, or specific reactions...hence considering dishonesty, jealousy, procrastination, laziness, self-seeking. .whatever strikes you. This is your inventory and no one else's!

Neither was I Weev, and the feeling that the task is too difficult has been the undoing of many a potential recovery. It is not by accident that most fall at step four.

I couldn't have written anything like that when I needed to take this step. I lacked the experience, the intelligence, the knowledge, and I was unable to think or reason or concentrate. I had the emotional age of a thirteen year old, and no concentration span. I had huge difficulty connecting the dots of cause and effect.

So what did I do. I found someone with experience, knowledge and intelligence to help me, my sponsor. He sure earned his keep with my fourth. I still have it, and it contains headers and notes along the lines of what Paul has written, but the details were thrashed out verbally. I needed almost every word explained to me as I went a long. As we discussed an item or a series of items, I began to see patterns, and understand cause and effect. I began to see I was my own worst enemy.

This took about six hours on a Saturday. When I work with someone today using back to basics format, we can usually get through it in a Couple of hours, but then they are usually not as mad as I was. Lol.
I took the fifth step with my sponsor the next day.

In my experience, one key element of any of the steps is we are learning how to apply a principle in our lives. In this case it is the principle of personal inventory. Later in the program these principles are incorporated into our daily lives. Step four appears again in step 10.

It is not a disaster if we miss something. We will usually be brought back to it, and we have the tools to deal with it. We often confuse honesty with accuracy

the good news is we do not have to be smart to do a 4th.I`m uneducated,burnt out from dope, and dumb as a brick.
I just pray and operate that pencil.God gives me what I need to see if I just trust and rely on Him to guide me to see what He wants me to see,to have me do this work the way He wants me to do it,so He can reveal to me the Truth.Step 4 is a search for the Truth

Paul posted a example,so here is one of mine
I`m resentment at:
man A
cause:
hitting on a woman at a bar(we both was)
affects my :
self esteem,personal relations,ambitions,pride(fear)
I considered the incident carefully and then sincerely prayed the sick mans prayer for him,then I prayed and answered these questions
where was I selfish?
what did I want?
the woman and sex

Where was I dishonest
a-what was the lie I told myself?
I`m better then he is
b-what would I not get or receive?
the woman and sex
c-I thought
he was a scumbag
d-I told myself
I`m better than he is
e-I pretended
to care about her

self seeking
a-what did I do to get what I wanted?(my selfish actions based on my selfish motives)
we got into a fight
b-how did I manipulate?
by lying to myself and others

frightened
a-what was I afraid of?
losing "face" in front of others
b-what might I lose or not get?
their respect,and the woman
c-what was the fear?(name it by name and transfer it to your fear list later on.)
fear of not being good enough

so,with that example I see my defects of dishonesty,selfishness,inconsiderateness and fear

I cared more for what I wanted than the both of them and especially the woman,I was just gonna use her.
I had over 500 resentments on my list and I did this on each one
thats a lot of writing and praying,which I needed but it sure makes you feel good when it`s done

weev, i think a few of us have seen a few people that were too smart,complicated it, and ended up drunk or struggled through it.
but this isnt about being smart enough, which you ARE smart. just dont have the knowledge on this- yet. it WILL start making sense soon if you want it to.
the bugger is
in Gods time and in our time aint always the same time. :)
just did a search and the word "smart" is used only twice in the big book.
"simple" about 20. :)
yup, stuff just seems to happen to ya, like, admitting alcohol was a problem, believing there is a power greater than you that could restore you to sanity, and finding a group of drunks to guide ya along the journey!

"This is a serious question, do you really say that prayer? “This is a sick person….” not just a *** the world would be better off without?"

personally, no. sometimes i said,"dam, he/she really was an azz"
or
"that ***** deserved to get his legs broke." :)
HOWEVER
to be free, i HAD to remove the other person,place,or thing.
couple things i kept reading and saying to myself from the bb:

-It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while.
( got to a point i followed reading or saying that with,"blahblahblah. LOLOL because i knew this was true yet didnt understand the effects on me yet.)

-Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes.

and this one saved my ass a few times

-Perhaps there is a better way - we think so. For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity

Just reminds me I have never met anyone too stupid to get sober, but I have met quite a few who were too smart. In my own case, stupidity and gullibility were positive assets, not character defects. Imagine being so dumb I just went with the flow, too dumb to argue or question, just went along with whatever suggestions came my way. And it worked. Who'd a thunk?

I did the 12 and 12 method for the 4th Step.

Perhaps it was the easier, softer way, but I don't think it was because it created a mirror to my soul and psyche for me to look into.

I did it with a great deal of fear and trepidation, because I knew that I wouldn't like a good bit of what I saw.

But it gave me a starting point for me to work with in trying to improve the defects and shortcomings I saw staring back at me from what I wrote.

BTW, the 4th Step analyses from the BB (mentioned above) and Tommy's remind me of the rather irreverent T-shirt I see occasionally which says: "My wife left with my best friend. And I sure miss him."

I have seen many, many different ones with different higher powers in AA. (seem to all be accepted).

One (One) did make all that we see. That is the One that I recommend ones to seek.

There are many gods (small g) and there is one God (capital G). This has been known since the beginning of time but, not always recognized.

M-Bob

I love you guys so much for taking the time to help me, and for making me laugh.

You must be helping because I got a massive resentment at a lunchtime meeting and spent the afternoon praying and trying to see my part in it. I didn’t gob off, hit anyone or decide never to go back to AA.

I did find myself ordering God around when I tried to pray about it, and felt a genuine pain in my heart at being this arrogant. I thought I was more important. I don’t think I want to be this small. Although it is a relief not to have to control everything.

Went to another meeting this evening which helped and I have a clear day tomorrow and I’m going to work on step 4 using those examples. Full of hope for that.

I am resentful towards:
Gottalife
Tomsteve
Tommyh

The cause:
They're suggesting I'm one of these complicated 'too smart to get sober' guys...
:) :)

I am joking in case it needs clarifying. My point though was to confirm the inventory process is as simple as it needs to be...and also to stress the purpose is sometimes not to see how we 'caused' things or were to blame so much as to see the truth in these matters...

This alcoholic for one was very sensitive and still can be. Many of my resentments turned out to be errors in perception as much as anything else...in my book my 'part' is often Dishonesty....creating a story or blowing things out of proportion so that I accuse or blame others of feelings and actions that aren't real.

A lot of these resentments melt away when I see things didn't happen the way I thought they happened. ..people didn't do what I thought they did and they certainly didn't think what I thought they did.

P

I am resentful towards:
paulokes

the cause:
he didnt put his name on the list!:a043::dee

Because it was my list and my resentment!

I told ya I was sensitive ;)

Good morning gentlemen, if you'll stop your brawling for a moment, I'm about 9 weeks now and I think my head is beginning to clear enough to take a look around me.

I want to know if any of you had pretty much destroyed your life with alcohol and then put it right sober. I'm overwhelmed by the mess and don't see that a lifetime would be enough time to put this right.

It's so tempting to go **** it this morning. But I'm going to my body attack class and meeting at noon and just keep plodding on.

Love the lot of you

I'm overwhelmed by the mess and don't see that a lifetime would be enough time to put this right.

that`s what I used to think too,I could not see any way out of my ruined life,but I was going to live it sober,no matter what.
That I was determined to do.Now 28 years later,my life has been completely rebuilt and seems to get better.We can sometimes rebuild things faster than we may think if we stay sober.When a alcoholic sets their mind to accomplish something,they can usually find a way to get it done.Hang in there,don`t let those lies come into your head telling you it will never get done.It will if you want it bad enough

Our Devilish Alcoholic Personalities

I found this chapter from a book written by a AA member most helpful to help me not believe all the doubts and discouragement I faced as a new comer