My 'Mother' Rang
 

She rang me in response to a message I sent to her.

She doesn't reply to my messages as it leaves a record.

I just dropped the phone down. I have heard it all before.

It may as well have been the devil himself on the other line. :whoop

Uh oh. Was your message " I hope you take a long walk off a short pier?"

Sorry, Strat. Don't let it throw you. Just shrug it off. I remember how my mom's calls used to cause my stomach to just fall through the floor. If you've asserted yourself in that message and told her how you feel about things, then be proud of yourself and just carry on.

Um, no it wasn't. It's a long story which I had typed up before.

But I lost it, I'l try to get it out over the weekend it explains a lot.

Anyway she was ringing to manipulate me with lies, it's her only MO. :headbange

Well, whatever it was. Hope you don't let it get to you.

It already kinda has. It's made me angry suffice to say.

I was just lying in my bed, less than peacefully depressed until that.

I'm somewhere between the two now. Should I hear her out or what guys? :dunno

Nope. If you stated your feelings there is no need for a response. It will just be self serving lies and manipulations on her part.

I certainly wouldn't, no.

Um, anyway I did. Angry of course. Oh I'm the abuser, lol. This is crap.

I heard my sister in the background. The call was for her benefit basically. :cloud

I am sorry this happened. Unfortunately I don't think it is possible to get validation from our parents. They would have to be willing to admit to the truth. Acknowledge their failures. I know it will never happen with either of my parents.

And not from some siblings either. I know this hurts. Sorry

I should have listened to you guys.

I'm still getting used to the NPD abuser stuff :(

You tried, there is nothing wrong with that. It is what you learn from the experience that really matters here.

It hurts, it is not fair, it should not be that way and it is not that way for others. Your parents are who they are. You can't change them, we can't change anyone.

The only person we can change is ourselves and to protect ourselves from the emotional abuse that is placed on us. The tides will turn and not in hate and anger but when you get the point that you understand and accept that you deserve to be treated with love, honesty and respect. A parent does not have the right to stomp on those things or in those areas just because they are your parent. The "because I said so" does not apply here.

As an adult, you get to decide how you are treated. You can decide if that phone call or that conversation was worth you feeling hurt and angry. There is no way to win the game but you can simply refuse to play.

I am sorry it did not go well :hug:

It is hard and it takes time to grasp and comprehend it all. You could try a no contact for a time frame instead of "forever". Try thirty days. In that time read about NPD and post about your feelings. See if you feel differently as time goes on.

I looked at NC as I do sobriety, One day at a time.

We've actually been no contact for a number of years now GracieLou.

Since I became broke and homeless, she hasn't really bothered contacting me since.

For the first year or so I pleaded with her to let me know when my son was there so I could visit.

Well, she said she would but she never did, she basically gas lighted on me the whole time around that.

Because she owes me money and doesnt want to repay it. It's been a stream of lies, manipulation and gas lighting.

The message I sent to her yesterday was 'why have you not kept to the agreement you made with me in family mediation'

Which is about the sum of money she owes me, a big mystery. Which was in fact, money I had been putting away years for my kid.

It's the only tangible thing left I can communicate to her if that makes any sense??? She has tortured me psychologically over that alone.

It's not about the money of course. I could care less. That money is basically a symbol of our relationship and her dishonest actions all my life.

I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone else but to me it does. Basically it's proof positive that she has been lying, stealing, committing fraud, manipulating, gas lighting and then victim blaming on top, for her entire life, and involving me in all of it.

Because, she has managed to brainwash everyone (including me) that she is somehow the victim in every other case. She absolutely enrages me thats for sure. Years later I am still hoping she will come good on this but the damage has already been done to me.

It's been rough. Also, nobody round here seems to understand my logic. All I've got from people is 'your poor mother' , and 'forget about that money man, sure she is your mother and she raised you' - from complete strangers. It's not true, she didn't really raise me.

She has been on a mission to paint this picture of a loving mother now the last few years and her kids are in their 20's and 30's. I wouldn't mind but it's just another ruse to try and take the house we were living in from the person who actually owns it. Just another ruse.

I think I hate her. I've always been reluctant to admit that. I know it's not a good look in this society, maybe even forbidden but whatever. I've had to live with her my whole life, and I've had to throw myself under the bus to come to that conclusion (+ she gave me a good push)

There is no room for hatred in my heart though, thats the problem. But I have actually suffered my whole life under her. Nobody realizes that because I used to always make the best of it. Dress up, show up etc but I can't even do that anymore. I dunno guys, I really just don't now.

It makes sense to me. I was were you are now not to long ago.

The truth is the truth and no matter what we say or how we say it, once we see it there is really no pretending it is not the case.

I understand this too. I am the only person that sees her for what she really is. My daughter does in bits and pieces but I don't think she has accepted the idea that she is NPD. She just thinks she is difficult. She must decide for herself. It is like the alcoholic that must admit and accept it, it does no good for me to try to convince others. They won't see what they can't see.

Her false identity, the victim mentality, the blaming it is all part of their false image to the outside world. As I said before, there is usually only one or two people that see the real person, They are called a scapegoat for reason. They are the person the NPD rests all the blame on when the scapegoat finally sees the truth and talks about it. NPD people do not live by the truth, ever.

This will never change. They are always going to behave this way. They will always play victim and they will turn as many people as they can against you as they can. They must win and they will stop at no costs to do it. They do not care if it harms you or the other people.

They cannot feel empathy. Most of us have a conscience and empathy towards others that keeps if from intentionally doing harm, they do not have this capability. They cannot feel empathy. She cannot put herself in your place. She can't think that way. It is all about self and projecting negative away from them. It is how they live and they do not and cannot see they are the problem. Again, not denial, they are not capable.

This will not change either. She must protect her false image at all costs. She hides behind false care and concern. She will make and create any story to show herself in a good light and you in a bad one in the eyes of others.

I understand. Hating or having negative feelings for our parents is considered taboo. Respect is what society says we should have no matter how difficult it is for us but you have to remember the people and families that have this view point were not raised with an NPD parent. They don't know, they don't understand and they are not going to.

There should be mutual respect and there is none. It is always, do what I want, say what I want, listen to what I want and never ever ask questions or want answers. That is not a healthy relationship with a parent, it is not a healthy one for anybody.

I realize it. I do not hate my mother, I used to though. I hated to look at her, to speak with her and my anger would raise ten fold if she walked into the room. Today, I don't feel that way.

I have validation knowing she is NPD. I have grieved the mother I never had. I know now I am not crazy. She can no longer make me feel guilt, shame, anger or hate. She does not have that power over me anymore.

Removing her from my life helped me move on. It did not give me closure, I did not expose her, I lost some family, I didn't get to send the letter I wrote to her, I burned it instead. It was for me, not for her. I did not go NC to punish her. I did so, so that I could be free to live my life the way I want to with people that love and care about me. I deserve that and so do you.

Thanks a lot GracieLou :) I agree wholeheartedly


That describes her perfectly. It sounds a lot like psychopathy in ways? It's not right at all.

Stratman, personality disorders have quite a bit of overlap so it is common to see different traits pop up across the board. In the end completely severing ties is usually the safest thing to do.

You might be right Happy. She has been on a mission to destroy me the past few years. I don't know what to think.


I hear that. Where did you learn about all this GracieLou? Nobody has ever said anything like that to me and I have been trying to figure this out my whole life :confused:

I found a website called "Out of the FOG" and that is where I found and read a lot about NPD but there is a lot of information available on the internet. I just searched for NPD mother or narcissist mother and read as much as I could. If I got to stressed I left it alone for a day or two and came back with a clearer head.

I also bought the book "Will I ever be good enough?" and that helped a great deal. I just sat with it and my highlighter and could really relate to a lot that I read. I learned their are different types of NPD mothers but the feelings we go through are pretty much the same no matter what category they fit into.

I would advise you to do the same. Read up and soak it all in. The more information I got the more it made sense and reading others peoples stories and struggles helped me get validation.

There are also NPD groups on Facebook but some of them can display a lot of hate and anger which I totally get and understand but as a recovering alcoholic, resentment and anger has no place in my life today so I avoid those groups.

It really comes down to what you want to learn and what you want to do with what you learn. Like recovery, it is your personal journey and you get to decide what suits you the best for your life.

I was the scapegoat most of the time, until my dad was 80. I saw the real person others didn't and got the blame for everything little thing. I didn't own that though, I lived my life without needing any validation or proof from him. And even that can infuriate them. But I needed to do what I did to be emotionally safe.

Yes, it's fair to say that as the eldest I was the scapegoat for a lot of things also. I tried not to own that too, rebelling against it and trying to make my own way in life but for many years afterwards I wasn't quite sure of myself in many ways.

I thought, as suggested often then that maybe I was to blame for a lot of problems between my parents as I got into trouble a few times as a teenager. My father had no problem blaming me then, and my mother has no problem now. (victim blaming?)

The usual trouble- drinking, fighting, shmoking. I say the usual because I never partook in anything that I didn't see others the same age as me or older (my peers) doing. Not then, and not since then also. Monkey see monkey do as they say, and nothing sinister either.

Once I moved out, even though I did carry all those feelings of guilt, self doubt, blame etc. I learned years later that my father started on my next brother down then. Abusing him verbally, mentally, emotionally, and physically and he was never in trouble at school or whatnot.

I wasn't the catalyst for the abuse after all, it took me a long time to realize that. My mother got him to take out a student loan at the time also, managed to convince him to put it in her account then gas-lighted him on it and never paid it back. So, business as usual for her then (ugh)

My next brother down didn't suffer any of the abuse directly, yet he's the one who likes to talk about it all the time. He is turning into an NPD abuser like my mother. In fact it suits both their narrative these days to say that I made the situation worse by defending my mother on most days.

The link to "Out of the fog" is here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nks-acoas.html

It is in the second post on that thread. There is a link to a reddit site as well.

Mike :)
Moderator, SR

I looked at a couple of those groups. One person was saying that an NPD person is basically evil.

I'l be honest, before this I had to come to the same conclusion myself. That's all I see in my mother.

It's hard for me to understand, let alone explain. Good for her I guess? She gets away with everything.

I agree with you Gracie it's pretty stressful all in all. She has never tried to change or seek help for that.

I have heard that as well and I am not sure if I agree. Seeing something as evil stirs up hate and anger in me. I am so done feeling that way.

I simply look at my mother as someone that has a personality disorder that effects my life if she is in it. I simply removed the possibility for that to happen anymore. She no longer affects my life.

I know now that how she treated me was emotional abuse. I understand now that she is not going to change. The serenity prayer says "Accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can".

I accept the knowledge I have about NPD and that my mother is a narcissist. I cannot change her but I can change my exposure to her. So I changed what I could and went NC.

It was not easy. It was hard the first couple months, she is my mother after all. I did not miss her or mourn her. I mourned knowing I would never have the relationship with her that I always wanted.

For years I dreamed and hoped for it but of course all those years I thought it was my fault. That was her doing. If I had known years ago, I would have went NC years ago but it was brought to me in sobriety and I am grateful for that.

I can't go back, I can only move forward.

I felt this way for a while too but can you imagine the stress she is under day after day hiding her real self, manipulating, lying, setting things up, conning, stealing etc. All to live a life that is secret and fake with the constant pressure of being discovered?

All to get away with it?

I personally would rather be happy with what I have but they don't have that choice nor that capability. In a way, it gives me comfort knowing that I have found a life free from all that type of chaos but she remains in it. That is how she has to live and it will never change.

I can wake up every morning knowing I live a good honest life. She will never have peace or serenity.

And she never will. She does not think what she is doing is wrong. They know the things they do are wrong, they just can't not do them as this would lead to a total break down of the mask, they can't have that.

Yeah you're right it's been a lifetime of emotional abuse with her.

She tries to spin it on my father but it's been mostly all her doing.

Don't get me wrong he is abusive too. My life is a F'n nightmare.

I used to take that into consideration when I was in a better place.

But. I don't do any of that stuff, and I'm the one who ends up stressed.

My stress rash. Years of self medicating. My self destruction. Meltdowns.

It's almost like me trying to become a decent and normal person is in vain.

It's not. It is a journey. Help yourself first and don't worry about others right now. Don't be hard on yourself. There is a lot of learning to do while you journey.

Stratman- I suspect you are a decent person. Have you ever considered that you actually might be? I know I had a hard time thinking of myself that way but when I first quit drinking I knew I had to try. So, I said to myself " self you are going to start treating yourself at least as kindly as you treat a stranger" It was a small start but it was something.

Have you quit your self medicating?

I suspect that too happy :) Yeah I have actually, and that is what I am.

I got in some fights when I was a kid and have been judged on since then.

I've been sober for 4 months today after years of trying and a couple false starts.

As for medical weed, I had to give that up too as it's all criminal underworld BS here.

I found this on my computer. I had forgotten about it but when I first read it I cried. Some of it was because I was angry but it also gave me validation and it made me feel just a little stronger and I wanted to share it.

I'M TAKING IT BACK...

You raised me to keep silent, to cover the truth with lies. To mask my tears with a smile for the world to see. To go along with all you say and do, never to protest. You stole my integrity. I'm taking it back.

You raised me to believe I am something I'm not. Small, weak, insignificant, invisible. To hide in the shadows while you steal the spotlight. You stole my worth. I'm taking it back.

You raised me to be fearful, to cower in a corner while being struck with fists and slammed by rage. You stole my ability to grow courageous in spirit as my physical being grew taller and stronger. I'm taking it back.

You raised me to hate the people you hate and worship only you. To bow down to your every need despite my moral obligation to protest. You stole the right to make choices for myself. I'm taking it back.

You raised me to feel guilty for every harsh word you spoke, and embarrassed by every misdeed you took part in. To carry your shame as if it were my own. You stole my pride. I'm taking it back.

You raised me to doubt my own choices, and calculate my words before they were ever spoken. To expect a backlash even when I only meant to please. You stole my voice. I'm taking it back.

You raised me to keep people at a distance, to hide behind a veil of shyness and loneliness. To always keep people at an arm's length away and depend only on you. You stole my individuality. I'm taking it back.

You had no right to steal from me, to steal the most precious gifts that are my birthright. You made me a stepping stool to lift yourself higher on a pedestal created in your own mind. In your eyes I am nothing, and you raised me to believe that your version of me is factual. To hate myself. To mistrust myself. And even as I break away from your toxic web, you will go out of your way to steal my good reputation from the eyes of the world, but that is okay. I was never enough of a somebody to actually create a reputation for myself. But everything else you stole, I'M TAKING IT BACK, and you will never lay another finger on it again.

We are ALL taking it back!