vent
Need to vent now because i am feeling the urge to go and have a drink and have not found a creative outlet for my anger or whatever yet.
I am pissed at myself for alot of things today. But mostly for pissing away alot of money the last long while because my priorities are so mixed up. I feel defeated, as i am sure a lot of people here do, that i, we, work so hard and dont have a lot to show for it. And yes, i know, it is material possesions that you cant take to the grave with you, but i would be happy with a sense of accomplishment.
I have consolidated my bills to the best of my financial ability and was not able to pay off one company, because i was misquoted on a by out price from another and the bank took care of the payments. so now, i have this crazy bill collector calling me, faxing me at work, whatever and i am about to go ballistic on her butt. She asked me to borrow the money to pay the debt. And i politely told her to get off her big leather chair and have a look at reality. You cant borrow yourself out of debt. But that is what i seem to have done time and time again. And thats what makes me mad. I just think about all the money i have spent on alcohol and bars and drunken shopping binges. And whatever else. And now i am trying to fix everything and I cant seem to do the necessary things.
My bf decided to start yelling on the phone today. Again. I thought we had made progress after a really big talk two weeks ago. But I see now that things will really never change. I honestly believe that two people can love each other but cant be together. And again, I question myself for the arguments. I know i am a sensitive person but i have already been through a divorce and now this. I think i am destined to be alone. Ok, maybe just for the time being, while i get it together. I cant handle one more day of bs.
the problem is, seeing as I can cry at the drop of a hat, its mostly because i get so mad and dont know how to show it properly. i cannot calmly speak my mind so i bottle it up. I always dealt with anger by having a drink.
which got me thinking: there has to be more to life than this. This is something i think at least once a day. i can no longer play the blame game. its my own doing. I am broke because of my actions. I have anger because i have never dealt with it. I have tried, but always feel better and stop going to see whomever i was talking with. And now, after already working almost 50 hours in four days, i have to be up in 5 to go back. I am angry that i have to work so hard, instead of being grateful that i have a job.
Just really mixed up.
Thanks for listening
mertyl