Hi!
I am really glad you are here and posting. Please take my words in the spirit they are intended, which is love.
Maybe for me it was just a test to see if 1) He would go without drinking for the night
Please be careful when doing this sort of a test. When I have done this in the past, the only one who was tested was me. Would I actually follow through with my action and my boundry. I found that "testing" the alcoholic was my way of catching him in the act. IMO, tests are for children. Not grown men. My ex didnt need a test. His actions were his answers to any test I could have given him.
What worked for me, was allowing daily life to be the test. When I began to see his choices as how he responded to the test, I realized I didnt need to quiz him, his answers were clear!
I told him I can't deal with his temper tantrums and destructive behavior, yelling and screaming at me.
OK, good start to a boundry! You have identified something that you will not tolerate and made him aware of it. Now, the second part of a boundry, is what you will do should that behavior arise in the future and make him aware of it.
Boundries are good for me, because they stop me from getting into situations that make me uncomfortable, angry, controlled, let down, or any other less than positive emotion.
For me, a boundry I had was, if the ex began yelling and screaming, threatening to ruin property, I would leave the house. Sometimes for an hour, sometimes for the night.
Now, he was also aware that if he actually ruined property, the police would be called, that was a boundry.
Both of these examples are clear. He does x,y & z and you will do a,b & c. Boundaries should be made unemotionally and calmly. The key is following through with them, so do not make a boundary you will not enforce.
Asouse says it very well in the above!
....IF he does not drink...AT ALL...we can do something together tonight....go out to eat...go for a walk...watch a movie or whatever he wants. Was this the wrong thing to do? I don't know, but I tried to set a boundary for me and give him what he says he wants, which is my attention.
I used to do this also at first. In my case, it was an attempt to control his behavior and drinking with bribes of my attention. Again, I got let down, and hurt, bc I would come home to him drunk. I then felt like he didnt care enough to spend time with me, he would rather drink, I wasnt good enough..on and on.
So, that didnt work for me.
What that really is...
If you behave the way I want you to (allow me to control you), I will reward you.
I had to take the control out of it.
Hope this helps a little!