Well, I just got out of bed and came down here...couldn't sleep. I had just tried to make my husband understand that I was angry - he just couldn't stay out all night - it's not okay...and all that stuff.
I thought to myself, "What are all those soberrecovery.com people even talking about anyway?! How am I not supposed to FEEL this anger?" When I try to tell him that stuff, he plugs his ears and sings real loud...
lemme tell ya - not helpin' me in the anger dept. when he does that.
So - then I read that detachment is not for him but for me. It doesn't mean that he "gets to" go on being happy and I have to hold my feelings in. And that is how I was feeling. I was really struggling and just SO angry that he could come home the next day...not say anything about staying out, and expect me to be fine with that. My attitude was getting worse by the minute.
I did take the kids to the fair today and I also climbed to the top of this huge rock climbing wall! It was so cool because I'm scared of heights and I did it. We were having such a good day. There were a few incidents with my second child being rebellious but that ended up okay also. Just makes me sad because I think it's a result of our family life.
So then my husband calls me to pick him up. Gotta load the kids at 9:30pm to do that and he looks stoned when I get there and I'm just fuming.
All I can think to myself is that I can't just get away from him. There's no easy solution.
And the other thing I realized is that I do take his drinking personally. Like if he really loved me, he would not do these things! So those are the two things I need to work on but, man, it is going to be so hard.
Thanks again because I have stopped crying now and I think I'll be able to go upstairs and actually fall asleep.
And I won't beat myself up for telling him how mad I am 'cause "so what!" So I screwed up...gotta start somewhere and it's not about doing everything right so I can get some sort of result out of him. It's about healing and really seeing things for what they are.
By the way...if all goes as planned, my first Al-Anon meeting is Monday at noon.